theyearshavelegs

[theyearshavelegs]

Forever grateful for this amazing human being I call my girlfriend.

[theyearshavelegs]

This may be out-of-brand, random, and quite a long read, but please spare some time to read. I just want to share with all of you who stayed in this blog despite my frequent long absences, that I am from the Philippines. Yesterday, May 9, we had our national elections that will decide the 17th president of this country. And it was rigged. The son of the dictator who ruled this country in terror for 20 years was said to have won. Blatant misinformation drives through all these years that repainted the martial law as the golden years of this country, and the commission of elections fucked us up, and now I'm terrified. The elections were sold long before it even began.

You know how fucked up it felt when Trump got elected? That's how we feel rn except that this is much, much worse because Marcos Jr. is an actual useless elitist git with prior multiple tax evasion cases, a liar, and was actually jobless for the last 6 years since he lost when he ran for the vice-presidential seat. He presented no platform during his campaign and refused to join debates that will clear up his aims for the country against the other aspirants. There are hundred thousands of unaccounted deaths and still missing and tortured during Marcos' martial law. His family has 7 counts of graft and corruption cases against them and an outstanding 203B pesos debt on estate taxes. In addition to this, the stolen wealth from all the years they reigned is yet to be completely recovered. The debt created by their regime is still being paid by this generation and the next. That famous ridiculous woman who owns thousands of shoes named Imelda Marcos? That's his mom. He is backed by oligarchs, troll farms and fanatics who nearly treat him as king.

The vice presidential seat that is separately elected here, was given (I refuse to believe that they are actually elected) to the daughter of the current president whose most prominent legacy is the deaths caused by his war against drugs. She was equally brutal in her leadership as the mayor of her hometown.

The other front-runner in the presidential race Marcos was up against was a woman who sowed hope to all of us. Leni Robredo made me believe in radical love. As the then vice-president, she spearheaded countless efforts against COVID-19 and other natural disasters. She became the beacon of hope and shone a light on the goodness we can offer to our nation. It may sound fanatical, but it's so far from that. It's even the other way around. Her campaign birthed a monumental movement of volunteerism. She made us feel that there is still a possibility of a government that genuinely cares for us and is willing to listen. For the first time in my life, I actually care about my country. Not just in passing, but I really felt it from within me.

But now we are going to be under another Marcos again. And I'm terrified and heartbroken for my country.

People are vigilant. The youth is reeling in anger. Some are even out in the streets, protesting against this incoming administration. But I fear that it is to a lost cause. The proclamation is tomorrow, May 11 and despite the countless cries of anomalies and irregularities in this election that gives all the reason to announce a failure of election, the commission on elections is continually turning a blind eye against all of it.

The regime under Marcos Sr. from 36 years ago could get me killed just by this post alone. And we are afraid that history may repeat itself. Some of my countrymen have forgotten the atrociousness of the Marcos' dictatorship through historical revisionism and we are going to work hard against it from within.

Just like I said, they fucked us up and we will never forget that.

Please reblog this and spread it. Also, if any of you could spare me some more time (this became too long. I'm sorry.), watch this documentary streamed for free on youtube to get a clearer picture of what we are against.

6 years is a long time, but we will not be backing down.

[theyearshavelegs]

am I lonely?

[theyearshavelegs]

little things my girlfriend did today that made go 🥺🥰

1. she has short hair, but she wears a hair tie on her wrist in case I need one

2. writing down “partner” on the ~relationship to patient~ part when she filled out the form for me

3. being with me, in sickness and in health

[theyearshavelegs]

✨ mantra for this week ✨

it's okay to feel your feelings, but remember to never dwell on them for too long because just like everything else, heavy feelings take up space.

[theyearshavelegs]

these past few months have put me in a deep seated couch of all things heavy, death being the most unescapable

i've learned one too many

1. death is weird and scary. death is something that never changes, it always and always happens. death doesn't last, it's a one time thing. but grief, grief is a lifetime sorrow of love unfulfilled, grief is the space on the bed without your weight on it, grief is everlasting. grief is something i can't take. the idea of death doesn't feel so dark, but when you think of all the pieces you'll miss, the love you'll never get, the cups of coffee you won't ever get to share, that is deep and haunting and sad.

2. relationships are important. while i was at my grandfather's wake, hearing all the stories about his life and the relationships that were built and destroyed, i thought long and hard about mine. relationships, especially with family are hard. sacrifices have to be made, and there will always be the part when one thing isn't enough for another. but relationships --- familial, romantic, or friendships, if they're important, one must do their very best to preserve it and cherish it. it's hard to come by something that's not perfect but something that is true.

3. gratefulness. i've always been one that's grateful for almost everything yet at the same time, i have a lot to complain about which makes me very human. one thing that makes my father my dad was one afternoon, in the striking heat of the sun, with a caroller outside our gate. my dad didn't just give him money, he asked if the person has eaten and offered him shade from the sun, food, and water. i didn't understand why. wasn't money enough? he could have just given him money and off he can go. but my dad offered more, and i think that was the greatest lesson my dad taught me without teaching me. he showed me with his actions. sometimes my dad can be too generous but i think i understand now. if not for the sacrifices my grandfather did (will not specify here lol), my dad and his siblings wouldn't be half the people they were. that taught me a lot about generosity, gratefulness, even sacrifice.

4. family is a bond. it's not blood, it's not the years, it's the connection and understanding of people. it takes constant effort to keep a family, but it's worth it because coming home to people you love is a joy that keeps life worth living.

5. health is very important. i no longer want to hustle hard and be a girl boss. i want to live my life slowly, love gently, and enjoy the present without sacrificing my future.

[theyearshavelegs]

Communicating constantly is a hard thing for me. I want to talk, but the energy it takes to put into words the whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, and ideas that I have is draining to me. This doesn't happen all the time though, it occurs when I have too much on my plate that I seem to just shut myself out to the world.

When the stories are long and the timing isn't right to talk about it, I tell myself I'll tuck it in the crevices of my memory and get back to it when the time is right to talk about it, but the timing doesn't really find its way. I then tell myself that it's no big deal and it wasn't that important anyway.

But I find myself getting frustrated --- irate even, when my point doesn't get through, when the words I'm trying to say just doesn't add up because of the missing pieces I've forgotten to share.

Communicating is a hard thing for me, especially when I've been so misunderstood for a long time. But being understood requires the constant effort of communication.

I don't know how I got here. I am unlearning this whilst being gentle to myself. I'm trying, and that's all it takes for a lot of things to work.

[theyearshavelegs]

That time I craved for ginabot. I was absent from my Monday volunteering at the rehab because I needed a break. Your girl can’t keep up with working 6 days a week, and my home health physical therapy sessions after work hours. I needed time to myself to just be. I had intense ginabot cravings and as usual, the girlfriend is always up to no good with me. Our parking lot dates are always the best.

Back when I was still an intern and we weren’t ~official~ yet, we’d just sit at the school’s parking lot just to hang out and talk. Mosquitoes would swarm on Cham and we’d still continue to sit there because we simply love each other’s company. Goodbyes were the hardest thing to do. It’s still the hardest now.

Home is wherever you are. I miss you.

[theyearshavelegs]

This may sound too cheesy for the world to hear and I’m not one to say this on social media, but what the fuck, I love my girlfriend so much. She is everything I prayed for and more. She is love, personified. She is the gift that keeps on giving, the blessing I count twice. I love her and all her little quirks.

I can’t wait to marry her and build a life with her. She is my best friend, my soul mate, the light and love of my life.

Mao na gyud ni.

[theyearshavelegs]

i don't wanna love myself like "buy this feel good". i wanna love myself like i made a sandwich for later because i knew i'd be too busy. i wanna love myself like hang on take a breath do you actually like this. i wanna love myself like okay we're gonna set a reminder to get up and brush our teeth. i wanna love myself like - it's okay to say no, it's okay to take that nap, it's okay to go home.

i don't wanna feel sexy like tv. i don't wanna feel sexy like little black dress. i wanna feel sexy like high note during karaoke. like just got done writing 14 pages of poetry. like let me show you this scarf i've been knitting. i wanna feel sexy like hand on the back of the headrest while you parallel park. like did i tell you about that time i saved a baby bird. like don't tell her but i've been sneaking money into her purse.

i don't wanna feel pretty like expensive. like high fashion. like paid to be here. i wanna feel pretty like a bird in a puddle. i wanna feel pretty like streak of dyed hair. i wanna feel pretty like calligraphy, like new leaves, like a skinned knee bleed, like a dog running at full speed. i wanna feel pretty like lying next to you. i wanna feel pretty like the new album just dropped, i wanna feel pretty like a shower, i wanna feel pretty like a stone wall all covered in moss.

i keep saying body neutrality. that feels negative - no bad things, no good things, just body. but i mean - my body is neutral like a flower is neutral like an oil slick is neutral like a day is neutral, too. my body is neutral so a kiss can feel like lightning so a dance can feel like a hula hoop so a walk to get coffee can feel like - god, i'm so happy to just be around you.

my body is a site. not the source of the joy, just where i can find it. i don't wanna love like - finally got my body tight/forced myself through a diet/whatever trend is the current hype. i wanna love myself like - i go to this river and i find gold every time i shift around inside it. i wanna love myself like - i feel sexy because it's sexy to be alive, and laughing. i wanna love myself like - bitch, i could have died, and i didn't, and if that isn't the prettiest almost in the whole world, than i don't know what is.

[theyearshavelegs]

The world is pulling me in different directions

[theyearshavelegs]

I need some time to myself, for myself. I feel like I’ve been giving a lot of myself to so many things, people, and situations lately. I feel like I don’t have the time and headspace for the most important person in my life — me.

I feel like I haven’t been giving myself the kindness I give so freely, the time to rest and reflect on who I am and how I am doing.

Today, I want softness. Tomorrow I want understanding.

[theyearshavelegs]

“there is a place in the heart that

will never be filled

a space

and even during the

best moments

and

the greatest times

times

we will know it

we will know it

more than

ever

there is a place in the heart that

will never be filled

and

we will wait

and

wait

in that space.”

- Charles Bukowski

[theyearshavelegs]

[theyearshavelegs]

[theyearshavelegs]

[theyearshavelegs]

Where was I when I said I’d be more present? I was missing but I’m here now and that’s what’s important.

Life update: I don’t think I’m any better at anything. I just work my way through whatever that is. Live each day at a time and although I worry a lot of times, it wasn’t as bad as early pandemic.

There always isn’t much to say, that what’s I think when I’m here. But when I’m not, there are so many things I want to say.

—

Cham and I went on a trip. It was not totally planned, I mean it was but it was not the long wait we were usually used to. This was a breath of fresh air, a break from the routine. No errands, no time chasing, no goodbyes (for a little while). Just pure quality time. I’m so happy to have our piece of quiet.