theviolenceking - Tumblr blog

[theviolenceking]

Refer to England as “a mysterious and warlike nation off the coast of western Asia”

[theviolenceking]

Happy to be noticed, but even more so proud of you for your win. You deserve it fam. Cheers.

one time when I was really hecking tired i tried to phrase “i like steak and stuff on the rarer side when a restaurant or friend cooking for me permits that to happen” and it came out as “if left unattended I may eat raw beef” and i have no idea what PONG style antics my brain got up to to lead the train of thought down that disused rail line 

[theviolenceking]

Did you pass?

one time when I was really hecking tired i tried to phrase “i like steak and stuff on the rarer side when a restaurant or friend cooking for me permits that to happen” and it came out as “if left unattended I may eat raw beef” and i have no idea what PONG style antics my brain got up to to lead the train of thought down that disused rail line 

[theviolenceking]

Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. “I killed your friend, here hold him.”

[theviolenceking]

Mammals both produce milk and have hair. Ergo, a coconut is a mammal.

[theviolenceking]

“Respect Existence or Expect Resistance”

[theviolenceking]

The Secret Ingredient

[theviolenceking]

It works too! tried it myself

[theviolenceking]

the universe: okay, you’re a human. I gave you free will and a conscious mind, so you’re free to do whatever you want. So what do you wanna do?

human: GO FAST

the universe: well, you’re a perfect pursuit predator but if that’s the way you want to evolve, go ahead.

human, climbing on a horse: GO FAST

the universe: wait what

human, inventing the carriage, the car and the bullet train: GO FASTER

the universe: I IMPLORE YOU TO STOP

human, trying to figure out lightspeed travel: FAS T ER

[theviolenceking]

CAT by  By 九米 / Zhaobangni (1631123)

[theviolenceking]

[theviolenceking]

alright I’ve got a One Free Kinkshame pass that expires this week so I’m gonna go ahead and use it in response to some fairly surreal undertale porn i just saw: who the FUCK is whippin their dripper to skeletons with butt plugs crammed into their tail bones. i mean i know this is The Internet and all but i am at a loss. they’re bones, my dudes. you wanna stick your dick in some bones? you gonna stick your dick in some gotdamn bones? bones can’t feel, pal buddy. I’m sorry. they Can’t. butt plugs don’t work on bones. thats like plugging your HDMI cable into your electric toothbrush. its feasible but nothing is gonna happen, i promise. all i can imagine is what that would sound like. you shove some vibrating bullshit up into some bones and its just gonna be CLAKCLAKCLAKCLAKCLAKCLAKCLAKCLAK. gonna sound like all your grandma’s hanging lawn ornaments in a hurricane. you wanna fuck your grandma’s lawn ornaments? you wanna shove a butt plug in your grandma’s butterfly windsock and play your fiddle to it you piece of shit? Unbelievable

[theviolenceking]

[theviolenceking]

I think this one was funnier in my head

[theviolenceking]

[theviolenceking]

I’m not sorry

[theviolenceking]

peter and wade are fighting side by side and when peter runs out of web fluid, he grabs a gun off wade’s belt and wade has this transcendent moment of i’m going to watch spiderman shoot my gun at a real live bad guy

but peter just fucking throws it at a bad guy’s face and knocks him out cold