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Aspergers

Aspergers / Autism spectrum

Please note

Aspie = a person with Aspergers

Allistic = a person without Aspergers

My partner's preferred gender pronoun = they/them

I love learning as much as I can about Aspies and I find myself often endeared towards people on the spectrum. I realised this after even knowing what it was… I highly suspect it runs in my family and particularly to those that I am closest to and admire the most. I am not Autistic, but perhaps I share some traits.

I have learnt the most from my current partner and I am so grateful of everything they have taught me. You have to learn through close first-hand experience really and remember that each person is different and affected by Aspergers differently. Through any difficulties I may have had in my relationships I have to say that each Aspie I have known has, underneath, had a heart of gold.

Learning about Aspergers has taught me to be very patient and very forgiving. You have to be if you’re in order to keep going. I sometimes view my partner in a sheltering maternal manner because I know there is a sweetness or innocence to them and this is a cruel Allistic-dominated world we live in.

There is a common misconception that people with Aspergers cannot empathise… Which is total rubbish. If anything the opposite is true. I know that empathy is processed differently between me and my Aspie partner and certainly over time they have shown more deep empathy. I wonder if that is because of my own encouragement and displaying it myself but I will never know the answer. Certainly there is an enormous natural capacity to deeply care and empathise. I have struggled with an invisible physical illness for a lot of my life and my Aspie partner has shown me more empathy than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. They have also shown me more loyalty and love than anyone I’ve ever known - given my compromised circumstances. I do feel a very strong deep-rooted connection between our emotions. I’ve never had a relationship this close as with my Aspie partner. It’s a very different kind of relationship to ones I have/had with other allistic people.

I think it’s important to note that Aspergers is a neurological difference and definitely not an illness or something that needs to be cured. I personally view any help or advice I give my partner as helping them adjust to a neurotypically dominant world, understanding neuro-typical people more and gaining more self-awareness to how they are. This also means me being open to making mistakes, being corrected and accepting I don’t always get it right however hard I try . The key is to listen and to try and empathise; even though empathising is an impossible goal, forever trying to reach it enables me to keep learning more and show compassion. It is important to never talk over or talk for someone unless they want you to, you could be getting it oh so wrong and causing harm.

Something I have learnt in life is that love is an action and a feeling, it is not about possession (which is why I do not really believe in marriage). Practising this mentality is very important in my relationship because it harbours selflessness. A person with Aspergers may well be more self-absorbed or ‘closed off’ to other people but this is through no ‘fault’ of their own; it is part and parcel of Aspergers. In fact seeing it as a ‘fault’ is a very allistic way of thinking which I try to get out of. And so, I take this to mean that a person with Aspergers deserves more love, patience, time and care and believe me my partner can give it in return tenfold!

I have learnt never to assume my partner knows something, especially if it seems like it would be obvious to an allistic person, and especially if there was a case of assumed mind-reading going on. I find myself often saying and pointing out things now which I don’t think my partner was picking up on. It’s funny that I have mentioned mind-reading because this is actually what I find myself doing sometimes! For example, if a difficult (what is subjectively difficult) question is proposed to my partner and they give a drawn out frustrated/anxious and blank response I know this usually means “"I have no opinion on this” and they are finding it difficult to express that. And having no opinion on something could be interpreted as being apathetic or rude by an allistic person - however I now know this is not the case. It is not very easy for an Aspie to invest interest in something that they don’t naturally want to themselves. Something allistic people can do easier and take for granted? The phrase means exactly what it says, and one of the wonderful things about people with Aspergers is the blunt honesty (which I’m sure some would say could also be a curse) but I’ve learnt to love it and find it very endearing, occasionally amusing! Words can sound much nastier than they were ever intended and I know for sure that my partner never goes out to deliberately hurt anyone.

Another case of ‘mind-reading’ I finding myself doing is picking up on signs of anxiety or stress or when my partner is struggling but may not be able to express it easily (particularly overstimulation of senses). Some situations or environments are very unfriendly to Aspies, and maybe each person is different to what they find overstimulating. Too much stimulation or sensory overload can lead to shutdowns/meltdowns and this is very difficult and unpleasant for my partner to experience. It is also very difficult to deal with for me (without sounding too insensitive) but I have learnt that stimming behaviour is a type of self-comfort and that’s it’s generally better to learn what events are likely to be overstimulating, pick up on early warning signs and prevent meltdowns from occurring in the first place (where possible). Prevention is better than cure, however if my partner is having a meltdown I have found the two best cures are Valium or a dog. Our dog shows so much concern and empathy and it is heartwarming to see how she instinctively knows to step in and comfort my partner, I am sure she is picking up on early warning signs too such as change of tone of voice or bodily behaviour, perhaps even changes in hormones. She is better at comfortingly my partner than I and and she is 100% loyal and reliable.

Meltdowns

A quick google search and I have to useful quote about Asperges meltdowns:

~"Frustration, anxiety, stress, upset, and depression: Together they can lead to an emotional eruption, or what some people call a “meltdown.” Sometimes you feel so emotionally overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings that you can no longer control them or hide them from others."

~"Many people think the words “tantrum” and “meltdown” mean the same thing. And they can look very similar when you see a child in the middle of having one. But for kids who have sensory processing issues or who lack self-control, a meltdown is very different from a tantrum."

A need for being correct

I think sometimes Aspies can get into social trouble by viciously arguing a point that they feel is extremely important to convey and have a need for things to be accurate and correct. It's really just a matter of facts, or opinions! This has definitely been the case for my partner and sometimes I have been caught in these conflicts. It is important to remember that Autistic Spectrum people do not pick up on subtle nuances of 'body language' or tone of voice or other people's emotions in the way that allistic people do (and I'm quite sure we take this for granted) - this simply does not come naturally like it does for us. I do think that some of these things can be learnt, however, if desired. Something I've learnt is there is usually room for learning these skills to a certain degree! I think that allistic people have better control over their emotions and steering clear of conflicts or gearing towards them if that's what they want. People with Aspergers do not have this same level of awareness or control going but I think it's common that they like to get things 'correct' and 'right'. But as I've already stated Aspies can sometimes appear to be blunt and to the point and it may seem like aggression in some cases but I am quite sure this is not intentional and the wellbeing and emotions of the person/people who are on the other end of the conflict might not even be visible, let alone accounted for!