thetruegarbagecentral

[thetruegarbagecentral]

Well here we fucking go Its 1 1/2 hours till midnight n i almost threw up on my laptop twice. i Don’t dare to leave my seat tho bc i dont think i can handle the sounds of fireworks outside. My chest feels like its getting cavd in. I feel so fucking lonely rn holy fucking shit. Like my friends celebrate today with each other or their partners or familys when I asked if something is planned they said no. I mean i dont blame them they often hang out just the two of them bc theyre super close and I love that for them and it doesnt bother me  But im sitting here all alone at home and it usually doesnt bother me?? like christmas i was also alone but i was fine And then i met my sister when getting groceries and we talked a bit how shes gonna have people over n all and suddenly out of the blue she was like “are you tommorrow all alone??” And i said yes like where would i be otherwise?? my friends are busy themselves or spending time with family But then she gave me such a pitying look. and suddenly me spending new years by myself feels like a failure on my part. Like i deserve to be lonely or smth not that she invited me to come over for a bit or anything. my brother asked ages ago but then i thought me and my friends would do smth and i only now remembered that. So now its too late to get over to him I avent showered and im not dressed and all my clothes r wet bc i did laundry and i feel like ive been forgotten or smth

noone owes me to look after me like im a kid or smth. but christmas and new years noone asked me to come over to their place... I spend the 24th with my brother and his family bc they asked weeks in advance bc they wanted to spend time with me. but they left for his wifes family that night they even asked me if i wanted to come along. My brother and his wife are the only people who activly give a shit about me in my family but my brother is... not the easiest to talk to and spend time with My sisters cried when they found out last year that i selfharmed but they never again checked on me not once

they have kids they are busy i know but i feel forgotten as soon as im not a problem in their face anymore im invisible and when i actually try to spend time with them i get waved off I have to invite myself sometimes even tho i hate it like i message them if i can come over for a bit to talk Bc my apartment is so small i cant host any people i dont even have a table so i have to invited to peoples homes to spend time with them and it ALWAYS feels forced and clumsy and i wanne leave again  I’m just the annoying broken one of this family Happy fucking new years to me i guess

another year of being the sibling people gossip about bc shes broken and cant function another year of barely skipping a shopping addiction bc buying stuff makes me happy another year of learning and being the 3rd best in class and still feeling like u failed bc you havent been the best Hope your night is better then mine

[thetruegarbagecentral]

Oh man its just doesnt stop huh Lifes fucking hard rn I managed to reconcile with my friend I’m so so glad about that But fuck if this whole social distancing doesnt fuck me up I’m so so lonely 2 people called me by my name or a nickname today and I almost cried Such a rush of endorphines just from my moniker being written or said shouldnt be normal I want to hug someone so bad Feeling like the left out 5th wheel where ever i am is killing me I’m a decade younger that all my coworker and I have to work my shifts alone because nobody really comes in anymore So no social interacting there  My siblings are also all older then me and live such different lifes i can’t relate to them at all And my nephews and nieces are all too young I wanne scream and hide away but it sucks!!

Everything sucks!! As soon as I manage to bring my mood up in some way smth comes and kicks it over again folding together like a house made of cards Made a friend mad because i joked at them Suddenly getting told i should leave them alone That hurt Someone asked me how im doing but when i answered didnt answer again I wanne talk to someone how i feel but all my friends are holding onto thin threads of sanity themselves

I cant bother them with my shit too time is slipping away from me and running too fast But also the days are crawling along Endless hours of never stopping agony I dont know how long I can do this

[thetruegarbagecentral]

Here we go again

I fucked up so bad So so bad

I can’t join my old discord ever again I outed myself n now i have to pay the price

I won’t expect people to care for me when I’m one of the people they think are disgusting n without a moral bone in their body

And they’re right to act like that I would never hurt anybody Never in my life But I enjoy this questionable content Without care or remorse Not out of coping or in a critical manner No I just like to read n write it sometimes

But u can’t say to someone who has such strong emotions an convictions stuff like that

So I do the thing I should have done before I shut up about what I read n keep it the fuck to myself

I didn’t want to out myself like this But I also kicked loose the age old debate of ‘what is okay to write about and whats not’ I know I’m an outler in that regard And I know I’m not a bad person inherently

But hearing how disgusting I am? How people like me are irredeemable? That hurt That hurt so much

I just had to leave in the middle of that speech Just removing myself from the situation I should have just let it go Swallow the hurt n move on

But with leaving like i did it’s obvious why I left And now my friends are trying to talk to me what’s wrong and what happend

They’re apologizing for whatever hurt me to leave like that and I wanna cry

I seriously got drunk last night to just stop feeling like shit

I still feel like shit I overreacted n now I’m paying the price

Tbh I’m just waiting for them to realize why I left n drop me like a hot potatoe Guess I have to find new friends

I just hope my real life friends still want to hang

I’m sure I’m still overreacting But the things they wrote just hit in a way into my guilt Were back to hating myself like mad

And I won’t fault them for their convictions I’m just sorry they had me in their friendcircle

[thetruegarbagecentral]

YAAAY Another post in my Secret Tumblr blog diary that is more catharsis then a normal diary because it feels like someone MAYBE could read this so i connect more with people then when i would use a normal one And also my handwriting sucks OKAY SO quarantine is fucking me up so hard I have to go back to work tomorrow n i try to keep a semblance of order and u know rhythm in my life but im losing my mind here Every interaction i have online feels so much harder I need to be funny and charming so bad it feels like pulling teeth talking to people I’m making new friends but im already having a crisis that im annoying or smothering because is supported two of those already on kofi Is that buying friends? Am I that kinda bitch? How far can I doing smth nice for someone without me feeling like i wanne force them to like me?? I want a hug so badly But the only people i have around are my older sister n my neighbours And idk why but hugging my sister only happens once a month mostly when im crying so I’m fucking outta luck there I try to check up on my friends and family to make sure theyre okay and to keep in touch but those conversations fizzle out so fast its like i didnt talk with them at all Me: Hey how are u doing? Everything alright? Them: Oh hey yeah im doing okay/good/sniffly but okay! How are u doing Me: I’M doing okay too! Them:Thats great THE FUCKING END the thought of work tomorrow makes me panic too I haven worked for over 2 weeks They probs changed so much in the workflow there are so many more restrictions in place to keep people healthy And I’ll work alone my whole shift Because there are not enough customers Ill try to get into work at least half an hour early to get as much explained as possible but im so messed up about it But i dont know who i should talk to about this anymore ANother friend has been working the whole time  And im so sorry for her Everything is so scary Im not scared for my health if i get sick i get sick no biggie But i dont wanne be more isolated then i am rn

[thetruegarbagecentral]

Nice no one read the first post so I’m just gonna use this to scream my frustrations into the void some more I hate art there i said it the feeling of creating something is nice and brings me joy But drawing doesnt not anymore  it only brings me frustration and stress and I hate it I want to draw better! but i have to practice! But I need to keep drawing even tho I’m frustrated! Every few months i pick up my drawing stuff but I never in my life finish anything I cant draw poses I cant draw expressions I cant color traditional I cant color digital I can draw the same pose again and again and again But I dont get better through that!! My friends are so good at art theyre so so good at it One draws the best expressions, the funniest shit they can make any character hot n lovable a the same time! the other draws the most beautiful watercolor colos seriously the colors are so pretty n they can do backgrounds and fgzhjkml,ö Another draws perspective so well and they have such a cute coloring style They all inspire me so much one spend 20 minutes explaining their complete coloring of a pic to me because i just didnt get it I couldnt comprehend how the colors work together And I’m so glad they did that for me But how am I supposed to train coloring if i never finish lining a picture? i need to have smth to color to actually learn that

Its just all so demotivating I wanne throw my tablet and my sketchbook against a wall I dont even know why I draw anymore Its not fun I’m not having fun Sometimes i draw well But I think most of the time its a fluke or drawing the same pose often enough I’m not a great artist But I can’t take the steps to grow I see everyone around me do so much and I can see how much their abilities grow and i want that too But i never finish anything I just stop doing it for months at a time I’m jealous Not of their ‘talent’ I’m jealous of the work they can put in to get better

[thetruegarbagecentral]

Okay i whined enough to my friends and to the groupchat Time to write about it on my blog that no one follows because this is my second side blog and I made sure of that. Helloooooo online diary thats also screaming ur words into the void It is currently 3am and I have to be at work in less then 10hours I should go to sleep but I hate myself and I wanne cry I feel like a waste of space and not worth the love and attention I get from my firends Friends that I love dearly and wouldnt miss for the world But i still feel lonely Is it the lack of sleep?? Probably. Do I change my sleeping habits?? probably not. Why? Because I hate myself and this is kind of a punishment? Huh. Now that I’m thinking about it it kinda feels like im keeping myself from sleeping Im not even doing anything interesting scrolling tumblrfor hours refreshing refreshing refreshing But it keeps for a few minutes at most Then its staring at nothing the glow of my laptop screen the only thing lighting up my room Was I this lonely when i lived with my ex? When i slept in the same bed of the woman that wanted to marry me and then fell in love with someone else? The woman I stayed with for years after because maybe she comes back to me? Was this the same loneliness? What does it feel like to be the one most needed? Do I have to be needed`? Maybe being enjoyed is more important I try not to be there just to be useful No matter how much my broken brain tells me being useful is the best thing i can be It is dark And the sun will come up soon It is 3:13am

[thetruegarbagecentral]

for the two characters who are completely polar opposites in dynamic, personality, and purpose (especially since there are quiet literally the “rules card” and the “joker card”)

i don’t think the way that they’d interact with each other is touched upon as much as i feel it should be  🤔

either way, i think they’d very much hate each others guts :)

[thetruegarbagecentral]

what the fuck

[thetruegarbagecentral]

it went like that

[thetruegarbagecentral]

All I’m saying is:

Fat and chubby characters should be more popular and accepted

[thetruegarbagecentral]

[thetruegarbagecentral]

sometimes you gotta take a deep breath and listen to wade wilson

[thetruegarbagecentral]

do you ever stop and realize that people probably discuss you from time to time when you arent around to witness it

not , even in a specifically positive or negative way just like

people mention you, or think of you, you occur to people sometimes

thats the most unnerving thing that i can think of, thats so weird, that i exist to people when im not even interacting with them

[thetruegarbagecentral]

I’ve been laughing for the past two hours

[thetruegarbagecentral]

Been thinking about this a lot.

If Venom is so much of a loser back home, how did they end up on this highly important mission? What possible purpose would they serve? Riot is the leader, of course, and I’m assuming Carrion (yellow) and Blight (blue) would probably be like combat and study, so why is this dumb gay there?

And then it hit me.

The only constructs Venom ever produced during fights were defensive. When the Foundation goons bust up Eddie’s apartment, they make a shield to protect the people whose window they just crashed through from getting shot. The fight with Riot, they produce a big one to keep him from tearing their face off. After the rocket, they created a parachute so Eddie didn’t get hurt—at what could easily have been the cost of their own life. They told Anne not to get involved because it would be dangerous.

Venom was just a tank. The only reason they were there was to take damage and keep the others safe.

Fuck, man.

[thetruegarbagecentral]

[thetruegarbagecentral]

holy shit they did it