thetoughissues-blog

[thetoughissues-blog]

TOUGH ISSUES HAS MOVED!

Hi Friends! Looking for your favorite mind numbing site? Well we have moved! You can now find us at:

THETOUGHISSUES.COM

Same trick ass bitch, same bad ass attitude, same love for the Kardashian clan. Just a stronger, better, faster site! 

[thetoughissues-blog]

The Genesis Of Kardashian Tweet!

What upsets me the most? The GOD card? the Kris Jenner plug? The private plane? NO THE FACT THAT THIS BITCH CAN GET A 1 AM SPRAY TAN AND I HAVE TO ELBOW BU JUNIORS TO GET A 4:15 PM  AIRBRUSH TAN! 

[thetoughissues-blog]

Stab your favorite Roman Statesman, it's the IDES OF MARCH!!!!

                     Well it's that time of year again, the time where I remind you that in the midst of live blogging anything with the name Kardashian attached to it, stalking my ex-boyfriends step-dad's rental properties in Miami (NOTHING HE'S DOING IS LEGAL), and reminding you all about the highs and inevitable lows of DISNEY CHANNEL ORIGINAL MOVIES circa 99...FYI they can no longer show Johnny Tsunami after the tsunami in South East Asia...an entire generation is missing out...

Well there is something else I kind of LOVE....in a word CAESAR. Grab your knives, head to the forum, and watch out for BRUTUS because I'm going REAL TALK. Did you read Shakespeare's Julius Caesar in high school? It's one of the few things that I kindaaa enjoyed shhhh don't tell anyone. If you didn't you kinda missed out! I will sum it up TOUGH ISSUES STYLE:

Caesar was a statesman in Rome and his other statesman were getting really annoyed with how self involved and power hungry (read: old school KANYE). So they start to set up to take him down at one of their meetings, a blind soothsayer tries to warn Caesar to BEWARE OF THE IDES OF MARCH...butttt his boys gang up and kill him, and worst of all his bff BRUTUS delivers the final stab. POOR CAESAR...couldn't they have all just met for drinks after forum and talked shit like normal people??? Ps some other shit happens after that like a war?? And then Mark Antony takes over...not that Marc Anthony.

If I had to live in a world run by Latino stars of the early 2000's I would proll go Ricky Martin. He seems a little nicer. Plus I always enjoyed SHE BANGS vs I NEED TO KNOW.

Anywaaay, in honor of this auspicious occasion I have put together a FAN FAVORITE! It's my favorite images from the 1953 film version of Caesar put to TOPICAL CAPTIONS. 

So there you have it friends! A very TOUGH ISSUES Ides of March. Have a fantastic day, avoid getting the crap stabbed out of you by your friends and co-workers, and best of luck if you get a phone call before 3 pm ET....yes, even Tough Issues knows it's the NBA trade deadline...

Cocky...confident...in a position of power...BEWARE OF THE IDES OF MARCH RONDO!!!!

[thetoughissues-blog]

I think the entire NCAA community is going to breath a collective sigh of relief because my bracket is DONE and PUBLISHED for the masses! Last year I got EVERY single pick right in the first round, I wish I was kidding. Upon doing this my friend's boyfriend very seriously asked me to show him how I made my picks, and I very seriously showed him. It was all based on mascots, past hook ups, and just whatever came first alphabetically. He wasn't amused, BUT I WAS. Policy of full disclosure, I then proceeded to get like 4 right in the second round....but whatever! We do it for the fans and we have fun! So for the first time ever in the history of Tough Issues Brackets I'm releasing my bracket with my well informed picks. Enjoy the explanations. 

PS this would make my father cry college basketball tears.

PSS I'm proll going to get the entire first round right again. 

PSS Proll not.  

[thetoughissues-blog]

Top 5 Reasons I Can't WAIT For Some Olympic FUN!

IT'S FRIDAY FRIENDS! Are you as excited as me!? I actually have a hot little cold and it sorta feels like there is a knife in my throat, and my ears can barely hear the kiddies today. If I die WHO GETS MY LAGUNA BEACH DVD COLLECTION?

It will be a fight to the death between Tough Issues fans Alanna Lynn and Mike B...to the victor go the spoils! I love a good competition, a little rivalry, fight music, trash talking, BRING IT. You will know this if you have ever seen how aggressive I get regarding an OLYMPIC game session. The summer Olympics are my freakin JAM kiddies, and I'm excited for LONDON TOWN 2k12! Just touch down in LONDON TOWN-Kanye West. So to aid you as we prep for the Summer Olympics I give you my top 5 reasons I'm excited for the Summer games in jolly old England. 

5. THE OPENING CEREMONIES

You take every over the top event in the world and you get THE OPENING CEREMONIES. They are they are loud, they feature 45804958045 British children waving flags...let's be honest there is no WAY the British kids will be as cute as the Chinese kids at the Beijing opening ceremonies, but they'll try. 

It's like IT'S A SMALL WORLD on ecstasy! Nothing is politically correct, it has the same damn song playing again and again, and at the end you kinda feel like a racist. 

Happiest cruise that ever sailed around the world? This row boat looks like a race war waiting to happen....there will probably be a mutiny before they are even a mile out to sea. But back the lecture at hand, I can't wait to see some SICK fireworks and chant USA.

If there is one thing we love at Tough Issues it's a SICK fire work display, when done by a trained professional in a SAFE enviroment. This is being said by an individual whose father used to light sparklers off and dance around 3 Heinekens deep while yelling "THE DANCE OF 1000 SPARKLES"...it was always most effective if done in the dog days of summer, in the back yard when it hadn't rained in 2 months. 

4. In a word, PHELPS.

It's time to BRING THE PHELPS TRAIN DOWN. I don't want to see your drunk driving, butter face (can a dude have a butter face?), Eminem loving mug all over that freakin pool. Have you seen his Subway ad, he makes JARED look like he could be Tom Freakin Hanks. And I don't want to see his mom sitting with Obama wearing her Chicos wardrobe again. HASN'T SHE EVER HEARD OF ANN TAYLOR, THAT'S WEAR RICH MOM'S SHOP. 

       I did some research and there are some other HOT male swimmers that are working their ABS off to make it to London. Meet JOE PASCALE,

he's a part time MMA fighter and a full time HOTTIE. Sure he quit the swim team in college so he could party (get it outta your sysetm so you don't go cruising for a DUI on the back roads of Maryland at 24), but he looks FANTASTIC with facial hair and he's in it to win it...WATCH THE PODIUM PHELPS. 

3. GYM FREAKIN NASTICS. 

There is NOTHING I love more than OLYMPIC GYMNASTICS. You would think I was raised in a Russian training camp with the amount of opinions I have on these bitches floor routines! SHE STEPPED OUT BOUNDS, SLOPPY LANDING, SHE WOBBLED SIGNIFICANTLY DURING BEAM. Yes these are all things I shout from the comfort of my Bela Karolyi free living room! 

It's weird enough that he is obsessed with turning 11 year old girls into gymnastic SUPERSTARS does he have to have the pedophile mustache too?? Anyway last Olympic games team USA did OK, my GIRL was Shawn Johnson...

She was spunky and not a career bitch like NASTIA. 

My friend Susannah (TOUGH ISSUES FAN SHOUT OUT) is actually a FOR REAL gymnast and hit me with the knowledge that like none of these bitches will be involved in this years team because they are all injured, or 40 plus now. How I yearn for the easy days of the MAGNIFICENT 7. 

Now we get beat by a bunch of 8 year old Chinese gymnasts. Someone better be regulating these children better this time around.

Although I'm pretty sure if they lose they drown these girls in the East China Sea...and if you lose here you just have to go on Dancing With The Stars 3 seasons in a row. Having to spend that much time with Drew Lachey actually seems worse than being killed by your government...

2. Soccer Players. No need to elaborate. 

I'm pretty sure David Beckham isn't even good...and after a quick peruse of some FUTBOL sites they aren't even sure if he will definitely play this year or some crap because he's basically moments away from having to be put into assisted living. Whatever, he's hot and he's married to my favorite Spice Girl 

And the NUMBER ONE REASON I'M EXCITED FOR THE OLYMPIC GAMES????

1. LONDON=MIDDLETON MANIA

YES! We will have so much MIDDLETON fun our heads will explode from Zara purchases and fun sessions with out barrel-less curling iron!!! Kate and William and their posse will be at all the good stuff I'm sure, and they will only aid to the joy I will get from watching the Men's 50 free!

And even more exciting...where there is KATE and WILL there is PIPPA and HARRY....

Who wouldn't love an Olympic Village throwdown with these two? It's basically my dream party...just tell Michael Phelps he can't come in, unless he brings EVERYONE their sub of choice.

So enjoy your weekend friends! And let's look forward to all the fun we will have in July with our neighbors across the pond! 

[thetoughissues-blog]

True Life: 90's Pop Culture Turned Me Into An Orphan Wannabe

As previously stated I was a really WEIRD child. I was basically born a bitchy 15 year old and somehow my parents put up with this for YEARS, despite my uncle's many suggestions of dropping me off at the New England Home For Little Wanderers.

The problem was that I had watched ANNIE so many times I thought an orphanage would be a pretty fun hang session! Coordinated dances, a bunch of built in friends, and eventually getting adopted by the richest man in the world. I could swing that. In reality orphanages were places where disease ran rampant and you were educated till you were about 8...but they some how skipped those chapters in all that FUN ORPHAN material. 

At about age 5 I learned what it meant to be ADOPTED and I was obsessed I was constantly asking if there was any chance that I was adopted and my mom was actually like Madonna or some crap...my parent's would just laugh at this. I was also notorious for I'M LEAVING AND NEVER COMING BACK.

I would pack my Barbie suitcase on a weekly basis...and stand on the stairs and announce, THIS IT IT...I'M LEAVING...and I would walk to the end of my street, get scared of the teenagers playing basketball and promptly head back home.  It was WEIRD. You know what wasn't helping this whole fantasy though was propaganda I was picking up at Barnes and Noble and Video Horizons.

SHOUT OUT IF YOU KNOW VIDEO HORIZONS, do you think the still let you wear your rollarblades in there? Nothing is better than BLADING around trying to find a good VHS! 

Here is a movie I loved: TRADING MOM

THE PREMISE: These kids get mad at their mom after she catches them smoking cigarettes so the find out how to cast a spell to make her disappear! With mom gone they are able to go to the MOMMY MARKET where they pick a NEW MOM...this is disastrous and they end up somehow getting there mom back. And hopefully some Nicorette gum because these kids are like 10 and they were already chain smoking...that's kinda their mom's fault to be honest. 

Or how about THIS gem of a book that I discovered at a book fair: 

This one was about some high school girl who sees her photo on a milk carton as missing! Turns out she was KIDNAPPED...yea totally normal reading material for a 3rd grader who already has a complex with being kidnapped. And because the 90's were the GLORY days of the after school special it was obviously made into a shitty tv movie...

I was giving the parentals all SORTS of side eye after I saw this...yes, they seem nice enough but perhaps years ago they had another daughter who kindapped children for a cult and I was one of them...and then she brought me to her parents...and now they are my parents...WHAT A PLOT. 

Or the totally believable plot of IT TAKES TWO. 

Identical STRANGERS that meet up at camp. One is rich, the other one is in foster care, with a serious jam session to EVERYBODY DANCE NOW they break up the rich ones dad's wedding to a bitch and convince him to marry the poor ones social worker. Oh yes Kirstie Alley and Guttenburg all on this shit like white on rice. Also THIS guy is involved....

This poor man has been type cast more than Carl Winslow in a movie about Chicago, New York City, or the LA Riots

But Mary-Kate and Ashley only added fuel to my fire that there might be a rich kid somewhere who looked just like me that I could trade places with. 

Or how about THE PARENT TRAP....both new and old would do because the plot line was amazing two twins with divorced parents meet a summer camp and switch places. I went to summer camp...I didn't meet any bitches who were actually my twin, although I basically did intake on the first day in my bunk ANYONE HERE BORN NOVEMBER 28 and has NEVER seen their birth certificate???? SEE ME ASAP...you might be my sister. 

     Don't freak out but I kinda liked the Haley Mills version more...mostly because who wouldn't want to live in a Graceland style house?

Disclaimer:  I had WONDERFUL parents and an amazing childhood. I also got everything I ever wanted, aside from the time I asked for a REAL phone when I was 4. I mean I don't want to brag but I was a kid that owned one of the THESE....

I used to make my dad bring it out of the playroom so I could ride my stationary horse in my yard...and I would yell in a British accent things like EASY BLACK BEAUTY....too many viewings of Secret Garden and secretly hoping I would be orphaned in an earthquake and have to go live at Misselthwaite Manor. 

And a happy birthday to my wonderful MOM who would have been 55 years young today! She would be proud that I'm writing, but reminding me that I should sit up straighter at work and be taking a daily multivitamin...LOVE YA MOM!

[thetoughissues-blog]

Results Are In!! Real Housewives Bracket: Semi Finals

Well it's day two of the Real Housewives Bracket and the results are IN! The response from the fans has been unbelievable. It's heartwarming to hear how many of you have opinions on Housewives but can't decide which Republican is the lesser evil...spoiler alert: it's Romney. 

       AMERICA (aka the female demographic of 18-45 year olds) YOU VOTED AND THE RESULTS ARE IN! Since my life is just one big rap battle we are doing this EAST COAST vs WEST COAST style!

For the East Coast

Teresa vs Nene!

          And for the west coast the queen of Coto De Cazo vs the I'm not the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I am the luckiest!

         So take your picks friends!

 Nene vs Teresa 

Vicki vs Kyle

Biggie vs Tupac (ok just kidding...but that's an idea!)

Tomorrow we will have the FINALS! Also tomorrow I will be hitting you with introspective look at how I'm prepping for the SUMMER Olympic Games, look out London town. I'm finally learning those uneven parallel bars and working on my Dominique Moceanu scrapbook. 

[thetoughissues-blog]

REAL TALK For Everyone Who Is Still Giving Jersey Shore The Time Of Day

Do you find yourself missing the easier days of a pre-Jersey Shore world? Or are you some how still listening to HOUSE MUSIC, thinking pickles are funny, or trying to trade shifts at the SHORE STORE. Well I'm sick of music that has no words, I think everyone knows pickles are good, and it pains me emotionally that Danny from the Shore Store still has to put someone named the SITUATION on his weekly schedule...I miss when the word Situation meant this....

noun

1. manner of being situated;  location or position withreference to environment: 

The situation of the house allowed fora beautiful view.

2.  a place or locality.

3. condition; case; plight: He is in a desperate situation.

4. the state of affairs; combination of circumstances: Thepresent international situation is dangerous.

5. a position or post of employment; job.

But then Jersey Shore happened, and I will admit I enjoyed it at first as well! I thought POUNDING MY FIST was a fun and entertaining bar game, until someone accidentally smashed a bottle doing it, a piece of glass went into my finger, and 3 days later got infected. But even still it gave my repertoire such classic lines as, I'm so serious about tanning I have a tanning bed in my place!

Or who could forget the INSTANT classic, you don't even LOOK Italian. I know I don't my family is a bunch extras from Angela's Ashes. It was fun to know that my drunken escapades were kinda similar to that of Pauly D, Mike, and Vinny. I give people nicknames, I fight with people on the phone and hang up on them (ok I haven't done that in awhile, note to self start doing that again),

I enjoy a cranberry juice mixed vodka and a splash of lime (read: RON RON JUICE), and I have got a bachelors degree in hair straightening!

But friends the J SHORE kids got kind of annoying, like really quickly. I realized GYM, TAN, LAUNDRY was turning into ROIDS, AIR BRUSH, WE CAN NOW AFFORD DRY CLEANING.

Gahhh dry cleaning, I remember I had this friend in high school and her aunt and uncle were so rich they had dry clean only TOWELS. I'm only financially allowed to have 3 pieces per season that are dry clean only, 15 bucks a dress, CHAP MY ASS. I wish her aunt and uncle adopted me and gave me towels! Also you're telling me MTV couldn't spring for a washer dryer in any of these houses they have put them up in? 

But soon enough a bunch of bitches who weren't qualified to do a full shift at the SHORE STORE were making more money than all of us combined and doing shit that should make America cringe more than a 4 hour Kardashian special 

Yes here they are ringing the bell at the NYSE. Pretty sure that the market crashed on July 28th. 

But somehow these people still make headlines, in fact a lot of you bitches can't shut up about the fact that Snooki might be pregnant...or engaged....or whatever.

It's hard to believe that someone as responsible and intelligent as Snooks could some how forget to take her birth control. Snooks just made this huge deal about how she lost 30 lbs or some shit and now she's knocked up, WHAT A WASTE. And if a Snooks get preggers it stays preggers? I'm as shocked as you! 

Must be those Catholic values. I will alert Santorum, POSSIBLE NEW RUNNING MATE!!

Doesn't anyone get that these rumors are placed pretty accurately around the timing of the end of Jersey Shore, and the beginning of the pointless Jwow and Snooks take Jersey City. Was Hoboken too classy for this? That's a big Y-E-S.

 The funny thing is I kinda like Jwoww so if Snooks is preggers my suggestion is to give legal custody to Jenny and Roger...or if they are too busy designing their Ed Hardy unisex line give a call to the KING of conservatorship...Mr Jamie Spears. 

WHERE IS YOUR NEW BROTHER??? IS HE DRUNK AT KARMA AGAIN??? Like mother like son. PS love the matching suits on the brothers Spears....they might be ok after all. 

[thetoughissues-blog]

March Madness: Housewives Style!

Are you DYING to get your hands on your college basketball bracket this year. Did you know last year TOUGH ISSUES got the entire first round right? It's a gift that comes with picking your schools based on guys you have hooked up with and mascots you think are cute. I will be releasing my REAL bracket soon but in the MEANTIME I give you the FIRST EVER REAL HOUSEWIVES TOURNAMENT!!

We are switching the style up here and going INTERACTIVE for the fans, I need you to VOTE for one person PER CITY in the COMMENT section! So that means you need a total of 4 PICKS for today! And if you aren't a housewives fan, well first off why are you here....but whatevs just pick 4 so it's not just myself and Tough Issues Fan Boy Mike B. participating in this! SUBMIT your picks to me via the BUTTON ABOVE aka the TOP of the page! Or just message me them!

THE OC

Vicki vs Alexis 

     VS   

America's favorite type A insurance saleswoman vs JESUS BARBIE! Yes Alexis might be the hotter housewife but she chose to marry THIS guy and spoiler alert, he's fake rich. 

The only person who should be allowed to wear their hair like that is Madox Jolie-Pitt. I'm on a hunger strike until that's put into the Constitution, or Bill of Rights...blah I can never remember which is which...going to have to familiarize myself with my School House Rock RIGHT after I complete this post. 

Am I the only one that sees that this bill could double as a joint? Perhaps this bill was to legalize class D substances? 

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA

Kim vs Nene

  VS

Ah has there ever been such an amazing frenemies pairing as Kim vs Nene...yes actually there has, between my middle school best friend and I. She's actually a lovely person but we could go from best friends to sworn enemies in one afternoon at the boat club...just like these two. Kim likes wigs and her HIT single "Don't Be Tardy For The Party" and Nene likes Anderson Cooper. Everyone knows I LOVE me some Anderson, but I also have Tardy For The Party on a DOPE playlist...don't judge. 

This looks like the most fun I could have in my adult life, booze, Nene, COOPZ.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 

Kyle VS LISA

     God we could judge these bitches on hair alone. AMAZING. However one lives in VAN DER PUMP MANOR (Lisa) and the other lives with the hottest Mexican Jew ever...I can't decide...Jew or Gentile folks?

  REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ

Teresa vs Melissa

 VS

Blood is thicker than water? The only thing better than housewives who fight? Housewife sister-inlaws that fight! The baptism fight heard round the world is perhaps on my list of favorite things EVER. I just wanted to say congratulations...

So that means you need to pick:

Vicki or Alexis

Kim or Nene

Kyle or Lisa

Teresa vs Melissa

We will then ADVANCE into the semi finals. BTW this will all be refereed by Kelsey Grammer. You're welcome. 

SUBMIT your picks to me via the BUTTON ABOVE aka the TOP of the page! Or just message me them!

[thetoughissues-blog]

Don't Call It A Come Back...Don't Worry I Won't Because It's Not

You know here at Tough Issues there is nothing we love more than a good freakin come back kid. Examples of my favorite come backs, BRITNEY, Robert Downey Jr (or as I like to say THE RDJ), MA$E.

  Ok so MA$E didn't really happen, but as long as he lives and breathes and I still pump FEEL SO GOOD once a day there is always the hope for the return of Mason Betha. This is where I compare Puff Daddy and the Family to the Kingdom of Heaven, and piss off all my readers who are moonlighting as Santorum supporters. 

But did you know our very own Lindsay Lohan is attempting to be the COME BACK KID? And to kick it all off she hosted the CUTTING EDGE and HILARIOUS "LIVE" comedy sketch show SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. I'm sorry I can't cosign. Who is watching SNL? I'm funnier doing impressions of Ramona Singer from Real Housewives when I'm 3 glasses of wine deep, for people who have never even seen Real Housewives....I FEEL SO LUCKY TO BE MARRIED TO MARIO.

Lindsey had to beg Lorne Michaels to get on the show, in the words of Jay-Z don't chase em, replace em. Sure we have all begged for things, but don't tell people Linds! She basically had to do sexual favors for Lorne Michaels, Jimmy Fallon, and Tim Meadows to book this thing but whatever, it's was GO TIME 

Lohan couldn't  handle an opening monologue so they stuck every recognizable cast member in there, and hell threw in a side of Jon Hamm...no disrespect to Jon EVERYBODY KNOWS he is my boy. You know that the entire week the writers were like this skit SUCKS, has Hamm texted you guys back? Let's see if he can swing by for like an hour on Saturday. Anytime she bombs we'll just cut to him...yea, tell him he doesn't have to talk and we'll make sure he's seated next to a decent looking hoe. 

The only thing I will give props to was Kenan Thompson:

“I'll save you the trouble, I've been high since Good Burger.” — Kenan Thompson

I love a well placed GOOD BURGER reference. Upon seeing this I took quickly to my personal bible, WIKI and looked for Kel, as in Kel Mitchell. 

Mitchell currently owns and operates a number of Wendy's restaurant franchises outside of Biloxi, Mississippi. He is a devout Christian.

Wiki forgot to mention that he probably cries himself to sleep every Saturday with a glass of store brand orange soda when he hears the battle cry of LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!! In my sick TOUGH ISSUES mind I like to imagine that Kel opened a Wendy's to increase his proximity to unlimited orange soda....

I hulu-ed every single Lohan skit and they all sucked...how did I have the time for that this morning? My boss was on a conference call and I remembered my headphones! There is nothing funny about an old MTV Scared Straight parody, even when you named drop Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, no amount of Alamo references could save you Little Lohan.

You know who could do a good SCARED STRAIGHT parody The Andy Dick Show, one episode of that is funnier than the entire 37th season of SNL combined. I know I'm reaching here, but it's Monday lay off me. 

And I know what the naysayers will say, but TOUGH ISSUES she parodied your own personal Jerusalem, The REAL HOUSEWIVES. I'm sorry Real Housewives of DISNEY...I thought ABC owned the rights to all things Castle related, I didn't even think I could say castle without a trademark...they should have done some DECENT Real Housewives of shizzz Compton? Death Row? Osama Bin Laden? Oh wait Kimmel beat me to that,

I freaking love Kimmel.

Also, how long has Seth Mayers been doing The Weekend Update like 12 years now? And does he have to have a fake Snooki on every week or just every other week? 

He throws darts at pictures of Norm MacDonald backstage. 

THERE IS A SUPPORT GROUP FOR THIS SETH...It's called CFBBTCWCQ Association, 

That's COMEDIANS FOR BRINGING BACK TOUGH CROWD WITH COLIN QUINN

You know what F OFF LOHAN, THIS show is what could really use a resurgence. Unfortunately I think it's only fans were myself and my father. 

I'm fine with Lindsay wanting to clean up her life, but you wanna do a comeback Lohan, throw on my favorite white dress EVER and get LL to lend you vocals to a track, then I will call it a comeback....

[thetoughissues-blog]

You're Ruining It For Everyone Pandora Bracelets!

It's out THRID installment of you're ruining it for everyone, if you are new here at TOUGH ISSUES, first off WELCOME NEW COMERS, and just the Cliffs Notes...once a week I pick something that I feel is ruining EVERYONE'S lives, and by everyone I mean me. This week it's the store at the mall with people literally spilling out for reasons I can't understand, PANDORA BRACELETS, you are ruining it for everyone.

Maybe you are a guy (in which case thank you for reading this must be a slow news day on Barstool) or maybe you have been living in a world where you haven't had to attend a function with anyone who is 40 plus in the last 3 years but here is what a Pandora Bracelet is....FYI straight from my GO TO source WIKI,

It has really become the ENCARTA of my adult life. 

Pandora bracelets, introduced in 2000, Necklaces and bracelets with keepers, that allow charms to be placed, added and rearranged. Pandora has created more than 800 handcrafted charms, available in sterling silver, 14k gold and murano glass, sometimes with semi-precious stones or precious gems. 

I have so many problems with the PANDORA bracelet I don't even know where to start but let's try this. 

You have to first buy the blank bracelet,

which is where you begin your adventure of charms and keepers whatever the fuck a keeper is. Last time I checked THIS is what a keeper is.

The blank bracelet is $50 AMERICAN DOLLARS....whaaaat it's $50 for a rubberband with a piece of metal on the end. Here are some other things you could do with $50.00

1. Buy 5 cranberry Grey Gooses at a moderately priced bar

2. Buy the bombshell bra at Victoria Secret. Yea, it's an additional 2 cup sizes, buy that and you will never have to worry about buying 1 cranberry and vodka again...let alone 5...or paying for cab fare home. Trust me. 

3. Donate $50 to the charity of your choice, I like Bloggers Without Boundaries. 

But great you just bought a crappy bracelet...time to put some equally crappy charms on it! Charms range from $35-400 dollars and the mostly look like....

THIS, uh ok. If you are paying upwards of $80 for that I will make you that for $8 plus the cost of eye rolling I do while creating it. People "gift" these charms and I guess help them build a bracelet so it turns into a little collection...here are some collections I have had over the years....

    Neither of these cost me more than 5.99, so take that Pandora Bracelet, although I guess these purchases were going down during the Clinton administration, ah a stronger economy meant SO many Beanie Babies....THIS IS NOT A REPUBLICAN STATEMENT. I'm voting for Obama, again, you have 8 months to get used to that. 

 So I picked my Pogs based on what Simpson character I liked that day, and my Beanie Babies based on which ones my sister and I believed were most likely to be retired soon...which SPOILER ALERT: NEVER MATTERED. But how do people pick out Pandora Charms? Easy they take meaningless parts of your life and set them to charms...confused? Here are some charms YOU might get!

Were you born? NICE! You might get a charm with your birthstone on it...this would be mine...

Or maybe your child's birthstone, or your grandkids, or god kids, or the kid that lives down the street that you waved to last week...why do people make such a big deal out of birthstones? DUMB! Plus mine is ugly blahhhh. Damn you November. 

Or maybe you really like ice skating? Or cruise ships? Or dancing?

Not to worry, there is a charm for that! Why go out and skate at your local rink when you can where a $50 charm that let's everybody know that you like ice skating. I like a lot of shit...clothing, giving people the side eye, hitting on dudes, you don't see me wearing those around my arm...maybe I should start doing that, would probably save me some time and annoying introductions. Do people with Pandora bracelets meet others in social situations and just say, Hi I'm (INSERT NAME) I could TELL you my turn ons but hey let's save some time and let you peruse my bracelet of charms, oh and ignore the badminton birdie...my aunt gave that to me because like ONE summer I played badmiton when we were on vacation and she thought I liked it...

YES that is a legitimate charm. Don't get me wrong I LOVE me some badminton, but I don't need a silver charm to tell people that. 

And dare I ask what does a Pandora look like upon completion? 

Like a bunch of random crap threw up on a bracelet. What does this match with? The Daisy Fuentes collection at Kohls? 

Since when did Daisy Fuentes start looking like Alexis from the Real Housewives of OC aka Jesus Barbie? 

So a bracelet is worth a casual $700 minimum...whaaaaat????? People spend 2 weeks pay to wear a bunch of little silver charms. I'm not going to get into how many drinks you could afford with this...America this is the problem, instead of spending money on decent shit like a gym membership, or the paid version of Spotify, you spend 60 dollars on a charm that showcases your love for the peace sign. 

You're ruining it for everyone PANDORA...I'm going to go off and try and find my OJ POGS....

This needs an update from the civil suit or the Vegas memorabilia incident....

[thetoughissues-blog]

Underrated Housewives Characters...UNITE!

There is one thing we love here at Tough Issues more than reading our saved texts from our phone from 2007 and that is a good old fashioned epi of The Real Housewives. With the exception of MIAMI I will drop ANYTHING to watch Housewives. The other night I skipped out on meeting a friend for drinks because, "I just have so many things I need to do around the apartment tonight"....translation I wanted to lay in my bed with a glass of lemon water and watch Pandora's wedding.

I really hope this friend doesn't see this..I can't help it, I love these bitches. And of course I have my favorites, and favorite casts...Beverly Hills, 15 episodes was NOT enough. Andy Cohen has created a world where bitches can be bitches, and everyone can have their own song. Because let's be honest in the pack of every 5-6 women there is someone who thinks they can sing. REALLY? None of my friends and I think we can sing....at least not until we get our HIT reality show and a home that looks like this. 

And as we are steered through the mean streets of Coto de Cazo, Jersey townships, and NYC high rises by our hot (but not interested in you ladies) chauffer Mr. Andrew Cohen. Andy has single handedly giving me a reason to test the limits of my bed time 3-4 times per week. I will be thinking that's it Mere time to turn the tv off and read your Fredrick Douglas autobiography, which SPOILER ALERT makes me feel like a piece of shit for watching so much Housewives and almost buying 90 dollar shorts yesterday...I didn't get them CALM DOWN! But then Andy will do a check in...TONIGHT AT 11 I'M LIVE IN THE CLUB HOUSE WITH ANDERSON COOPER AND CAMILLE GRAMMER 

That's all it takes for me to be up till 11:30 pm singing Andyyyy Cohen's got the 411, playing his code word drinking game, and contemplating what questions I would plead the 5th to...it's real a shame this man isn't straight, Housewives, boozing, controversial and trivial topics of discussion....that's all I kinda care about. 

But you know what I love the MOST about Housewives, all the fun characters we get to meet through these ladies. Let's be honest 90% of these times these women are just social climbers who married...or got pregnant by the right dude at the right time. So without further delay I give you my favorite Housewife EXTRAS!

1. Real Housewives of Orange County!

The original ladies of botox and booze have given us great moments but you know who I LOVE, or love to hate. None other than rape eyes himself Tamra's son RYAN. 

I cover my drink just looking at this kid and his white embroidered button down. You know in Tamra's intro POST divorce he's the only one standing there...interesting because we are like 3 episodes in and I haven't seen his punk ass once. I bet Tamra hasn't seen him like 3-4 months either. He's creepy, he owns hair gel, and SPOILER ALERT he's been to jail. Ladies cross your fingers we get to see him this season!

2. Real Housewives of New Jersey

Well obviously it's the spawn of Teresa and Joe Guidice. They have 4 girls and each one gets more entertaining, but my two favorites are undoubtedly GIA and MILANIA or should I say MILANIAAAA.

Teresa has Gia in the Housewives training program so she too can eventually be Andy's meal ticket. Gia is an actress, stylist, and DUH SONG WRITER...

complete the lyric....Milania, your legs look so muscular when you do gymnastics....sometimes you need to rest your toes...

Favorite song ever. 

And of course there is MILANIA, a picture is worth 1,000 screams in a northern Jersey supermarket so HERE YA GO!

Don't get too comfortable as favorite child Gia because Milania is fierce, sure she can't control her actions, or sit still, or not crawl in supermarket freezers but she is exactly what Andy will need some day when the nice one who is married to Lebanese Jeff Goldblum don't cut it anymore...

Real Housewives of Atlanta

Ah, my love for this show has grown over this season, I mean finding out Phadera Parks was at one point the lawyer for Bobby Brown was basically a national holiday here. But let's be honest Lawrence always steals the show. Lawrence is my favorite kind of Housewife character, he isn't related, or married to anyone, he does their hair, and wears women's clothing more often than not. 

And like any good housewife knows if you want to keep it real you need to release at HIT (read: only listened to by myself and Andy Cohen) single so Lawrence gave us "CLOSET FREAK"...uh there isn't much closeted friend. But I also stumbled upon this picture...

This is basically me. give me the side eye all you want bitches, I have a grapefruit and vodka and my hand on my hip, I can't be stopped!!!!

And obviously I saved the BEST for LAST. There is no season I love more than RHOBH, or as my friends and I often call them BEV HILLS. These ladies are the best, friend drama, family drama, money drama....I love em! But you know who my favorite is? 

PORTIA! I love little Portia...she melts even my icy, judgmental, I'M NOT SPEAKING TO YOU BUT I'M GOING TO TEXT YOU TO TELL YOU THAT heart....Portia has a twitter and it's funnier than anything I have ever posted on any social networking site. 

PORTIA ‏ @PortiaUmansky

Mama can u buy me a bra for Christmas? 'cause I'm going to ask Santa for a tricycle and I don't think he knows about bras

PORTIA ‏ @PortiaUmansky

"come closer to me beautiful butterfly, so I can see your face and never forget you"

PORTIA ‏ @PortiaUmansky

Dear God, thank u 4 my Mommy, my daddy, my sisters, my cousins ...but can u buy me a real baby with diapers?

  VS Kennedy's chore chart...

  Have a great Friday! Wake up with a hang over and catch up on all your DVR-ed Housewives on Saturday morning...and I say THANK GOD FOR MR. ANDY COHEN. 

[thetoughissues-blog]

Thank god you're here!!!

Smile and say TOUGH ISSUES! 

Did you know readership is at an ALL TIME high here at the TOUGH ISSUES? Yes we have gone up from just my aunt and uncle to my aunt and uncle plus my friend's mom, I have pretty big following in the 50 plus demographic! I will be honest, that means we are getting like 45 unique readers a day as opposed to like 12...but hey it's progress! Most of my readers grace me with their prescense via the FBOOK or gchat convos that go something like this:

Me: HEY DID YOU READ MY POST YET?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Friend: No, trying to finish up some work, I will though!

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO READ THAT SHIT NOWWWW!!!!

I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. So anyway most of you mofos come from the world of, I pay you to read about me talking about the Kardashian family. There is only one thing worse than listening to me talk about Scott Disick's quest to discover Judaism and that's reading about Scott's quest to discover Judaism with pictures....

I'm the worst Jew in the world-DIRECT QUOTE

However did you know that there are some people that reach Tough Issues not by the way of me threatening their lives if they don't read it by 12 pm eastern standard time..and thanks to our friends at GOOGLE ANALYTICS I know what f-ed up shit gets you a first class ticket on the TRUTH TRAIN. So with that I give you my current favorite google searches that have brought the world to this b/s site. 

1. Burger King Chicken Tenders

I guess I'm not the only one that noticed that BK changed their chicken tenders sometime in the last 12 months. My sister and I were at BK kinda not too long ago...DON'T JUDGE...and I was like YES I'm so getting chicken tenders with sweet and sour sauce, and despite her multiple warnings that they had in fact CHANGED the chicken tender recipe (can we call it a recipe) I still got them and it was tragic. Clearly I'm not the only one who has been affected by this....FELLOW BK FANS UNITE. To be honest I prefer the 2 cheeseburger meal at McDonalds...

2. Britney Spears and Colin Farrell 

This is a night that lives in infamy as it should!! Brit and Collin somehow ended up hooking up and it was....weird. I probably mention this night entirely too often but in a world where Britney is now boring and engaged to some guy that looks like Sam from True Blood I think we all miss the simpiler days when this was the norm...

The other day my ex boyfriend told me he occasionally google image searches Brit and Collin...and that if he could he would get one of these photos blown up and framed... there is a 90% chance all of these hits came from him and Collin Farrell, all probably image searched for to the sweet sounds of Springsteen's Glory Days. 

3. Colonial Girl Clothing

Uhhhh...either someone else is a big fan of the Felicty American Girl Doll or I'm FINALLY hitting the untapped demographic of people planning trips to Colonial Williamsburg. Let me be yo TRAVEL AGENT...that's said in the Twista "Overnight Celebrity" voice of LET ME BE YO MANAGER. Bonus pts if you remember that 2004 jam. 

4. Being Bobby Brown Dirty Bathroom Photos...

WHAAAAAAAT. Now EVERYBODY knows I love me some Being Bobby Brown, it's my new found favorite show, to which I say thank you youtube and the untimely passing of Whitney for allowing me to discover this dusty gem. However, WHAAAAT? Was there a filthy bathroom I some how missed in my viewings of this show? Plus any TRUE fan of Being Bobby Brown knows that the MAJORITY of the show was filmed in an Atlanta Hyatt because the Houston-Brown compound floods and the whole gang is holed up at the hotel for weeks..

It actually works out well because Whitney spends the majority of her days harassing people to play the hotel lobby piano while she sings...and Bobby spends the majority of his time buying chachkis in the hotel gift shop...when he is not trying to get the hotel bartender to play his new single...YO YOU GUYS GOT A CD PLAYER IN HERE?-direct quote...well drinking a Bud heavy...from a can. But I guess I missed the dirty bathroom, I might need to re-watch. I definitely need to re-watch. 

Actually maybe THIS is what they meant...SCORE!

5. East Berlin PA Gun Dealers. 

Oh great, I'm attracting Pennsylvania republicans, not the first time. I can't help you snitches get a gun without a permit. Sarrrry. But I can help you find MANY baby pictures of Mason Disick! 

So that's my round up! I hope you guys enjoy the creepy things that I write about, but more importantly the creepy things that people look for that lead them to the creepy things I write about. I can't decide where the root of the problem is America, I'm just the pusher man I guess...you are asking for it, I'm just delivering it. 

[thetoughissues-blog]

You're ruining it for EVERYONE Pintrest

It's my second edition of YOU ARE RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE...and I'm heated. You're ruining it for everyone is inspired by the kid in my 2nd grade class who used to get recess taken away for the whole class, to which our teacher would yell YOU ARE RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE. He also ruined the majority of my silent reading time by singing this song under his breath....

Would I lie to you babyyyy....would I lie to youuuuu....no, but did make us all LOSE recess. So here it goes....

Lately I have been wondering what's the deal with PINTREST? Do you have a Pintrest, or like me a Pintrest account that you use for stalking purposes only? Or perhaps you have just taken the hint and hit the HIDE ALL BY PINTREST in your facebook page...a wise choice readers. Don't even think about doing that to TOUGH ISSUES, we're just getting warmed up here! 

I will read to you directly from the PINTRESTS wiki page, hopefully edited by a 7th grader...

Pinterest is a pinboard-styled social photo sharing website. The service allows users to create and manage theme-based image collections. The site's mission statement is to "connect everyone in the world through the 'things' they find interesting." Pinterest is managed by Cold Brew Labs, a team based in Palo Alto, California. Pinterest is especially popular among women.

Now I shouldn't be one to judge too harshly because I love me some fbook, twitter, youtubing the entire series of Being Bobby Brown...as my father says, going on the email with all the kids, giving shout outs...DIRECT QUOTE. My father thinks all people do on FBOOK is give shout outs like it's some song by Petey Pablo.

Anyway I love anything that gets the fans going. But I'm sorry after a quick run down of some PINTREST accounts I have determined that tacking up pictures to your virtual bulletin board might be the worst thing I have ever seen, lemme walk you through it.

First of all Pintrest is invite only. Make shit exclusive, that way people will want in. Pintrest this is where I compare you to the Manson Family...Nazis...Scientologists...I'm not sure how I can't work the tie in but I'm not down with this invite only shit! Well except for the THE PLASTICS....YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US! I'm not sure why a virtual bulletin board is invite only but ok...good news buying a bulletin board at Target is still open to the public! Provided you have $14.99 plus tax. 

So now you might be asking what do people do with their pintrest....well they PIN meaning POST pictures of things they like...or they want....or they hope to aspire to like or want, no one likes running THAT much.

Seriously it's everything that girls get a bad name for liking, weddings, babies, hearts in sand, babies in sand, weddings on sand. AHH STOP IT!!!!! Here are some fun things that people like to share....FYI I pulled these all off the MOST PINNED or whatever it is page.

     I kinda want a wedding...or a Jodi Picoult book...or a creepy 1 inch baby!

Are people really planning their non existant weddings that often?  I have one game plan and one game plan ONLY for my wedding. And yes it can be summed up in ONE picture....

From L to R: Justice of the Peace, Husband, Musical entertainment.

Pin that to your 40 pictures of table settings and invitations...how ya LIKE ME NOWWWW....I probably have a restraining order against me at Winsor Castle for the number of times I have googled image searched "Prince Harry Drunk". 

My other issues with Pintrest it's basically Anthropolgie with unlimited money. Yes I too would like cool cupcake display serving dish....

But I recently just started having to buy the NATURES PROMISE brands at Stop N Shop instead of playing in the real organic section with the rich bitches and the stay at home moms...both of which probably have PINTREST accounts...and this cupcake chandelier holder. Also, I don't have time to make cupcakes, the kitchen is a gateway drug to carbs. I get in I make my lean protein and 30 pounds of veggies and I GET OUT. But somehow these bitches think a casual beach run (SEE ABOVE) will not only make this never happen but also allow them to wear THIS.

GOOD GOD the most recent comment on it was, THIS WOULD BE A CUTE BABY SHOWER DRESS. Meanwhile I was thinking with the right bra this could totes get me free drinks when I go on vacation next month....maybe that's why pintrest and I aren't connecting, it's for the Kates and I'm with the Pippas

    In this age where we are all ballin on a budget, trying to prevent STDS, and waiting out that California 10 year divorce itch ( I SEE YOU VANESSA BRYANT!!!!) it's not easy to live in the delusional world of PINTREST. Yes, if life was always dope and filled with fun AM jogs that I didn't spend the entire time worrying if I might get kidnapped while running. If you jog too often on the same path you WILL get kidnapped, it's a phase I went through last summer. I also say this because once I was at a bar nowhere near my house and this random guy was like HEY I have seen you jogging near my apartment building...uhhhh....

Let's be honest, no one is going to kidnap me. 

Also why is Pintrest specifically geared toward women? Because guys wouldn't waste time putting up pictures of outfits they might wear in mid April...

Whatever is clean that day....or doesn't smell.

But Pintrest is too busy re-affirming that the stuff we like is liked by others....ya I'm pretty sure I knew I wasn't the only one who thought THIS dog was cute....

But now I know, because 46 people also PINNED it. Or how about THIS ONE, it's been repinned like 500 times with the caption I WANT THIS BODY!

Congrats you look like a Amy Winehouse....if she was a dude. But judging by the number of times these bitches also PIN anything with frosting they don't have to worry about portraying ZENA: Warrior Princess Version 2.0 annnnytime soon. 

But Pintrest just makes us all look like co dependent betches who love cupcakes...well some of us are commitment phobe betches who love celery. I'm going to start my own virtual pinboard with all of MY interests....

The orginal SLORE dress

Anddddd

I got this on Pintrest, I will admit it. I would have a field day with that kind of laundry organization. 

DISCLAIMER ALERT: If you have a Pintrest and I love you and this hurt your feelings I'm sorry, I do a lot of weird shit too, this morning before work I watched Celebrity Apprentice ONDEMAND at 6 am...and got irrationally bummed when Adam Corrolla wasn't on the episode. Your Pintrest is the the least of my problems. 

[thetoughissues-blog]

The 84th Academy Awards: I lost 5 hours of my life...and the opportunity to get the remains of a dead Dictator. Thanks for Nothing Crystal.

HIIII FRIENDS! Did you watch THE OSCARS last night? I don't watch every award show I'm on an OSCARS and GRAMMY belief system. Sorry TV but you don't get to win awards until Mad Men is back in contention...Don Draper...Roger Sterling, I miss you. 

Left or right ladies and gentleman? I'm gonna go right but hey if the silver fox is interested I'm not going to say no....he makes smoking look cool...makes you wanna buy a pack of Lucky Strike. 

But anyway it's tough to cover an entire 45 hours of red carpet and awards so I think I will give you my favorite moments, least favorite moments, and since it's Tough Issues, our favorite smoke bro moments! DUHHHH!!!

Red Carpet:

   BORAT FOR THE WIN! I love anytime Seacrest gets put in his 5'3 place. I firmly believe Seacrest and carbs are everything that is wrong with America. That's the platform I'm running on, LESS SEACREST, MORE JULIANA RANIC!!!!!!!! Take that Santorum! Did you see Borat dump the remains of dictators past on Ry guy? Bitches get stitches, well assholes get ASHES!!! It's not like he was wearing a sweet ass suit like Christopher Plummer, MOVE ON RYAN!

As Tina Fey said you are a victim of comedy, everyone I write about on here is a victim of MY comedy, not always good comedy, but a victim just the same. It's only a matter of time before Seacrest, Taylor Swift, and Eddie Murphy excersice their victim's rights for all the terrible shit I say about them. YOU CAN'T STOP ME TSWIFT! Ryan acted like such a little bitch about it, my life goal is to get lightly assaulted by an A list superstar (not in a Chris Brown way), Ryan, you should think of all the little people that will never be messed with by Sasha Baron Cohen....you too Ron Paul. 

What about my red carpet favorite/least favorite look.....let's LINE IT UP....

   Milla Jovovich YES!

Least favorite? Now HEAR ME OUT because I know all you bitches loved this...

NO...you know what this reminds me of? I will tell you...it reminds me of the this drawing in that book "From The Mixed Up Files Of Mrs Basil E. Frankweiler" yea...that book you read in 5th grade about the kids that run away from home and stay in the museum. 

Ok they sleep in like some bed from the 1600's and I envision the bed spread was SOMETHING like that. EVERYBODY knows that there is nothing Tough Issues loves more than clean sheets, and I'm pretty sure that this bitch went to the Met stole this dirty ass bed spread and wore it to the Oscars. It's some tapestry bullshit and I'm not ok with it. SARRRY.

And then there was the actual show...blah blah blah Billy Crystal you are the POOR MAN'S TOM HANKS! Is it just me or is Billy Crystal starting to look a little like the wax figure of Billy Crystal. 

Billy got us through the night and all the BS catagories best sound editing in a motion picture that was exactly 96 minutes long...you know Clive Davis has the right idea at the Grammys, do all the bull shit awards before, do fun performances and tributes to Whitney Houston at the real show. How did I feel about the winners? Should have been more CLOONEY less french Hugh Jackman. George I love you. Also, it was about time someone recognized Midnight In Paris, it reminded me how much I will babysit this month plus regular work to afford that white linen James Perse dress, to which I say THANK YOU WOODY ALLEN!

I had also forgot how hot Hemingway was in that movie...I mean seriously deranged but HOT...as previously stated though hot and irrational is one of our types. 

After I saw this movie my friend and I were driving home and we google imaged searched this actor. Let's just say he should stick to Hemingway.

Also it was nice to see Angelina Jolie win best anorexic!

What did she do take the left over material for Christopher Plummer's suit and make a dress....and also not eat for the last 3 months? You look like shit...and ladies show us how the REAL hand on the hip is done. 

THANK YOU!!!!! And also Brad Pitt's hair hasn't been washed or cut since Angie stopped eating. Maybe he has an audition for Legends of the Fall part 2 that I didn't know about?

   I really thought the entire thing was a SNOOZE fest even when they try and spice it up with Will Farrell or Zach Galifwhatever it still comes off as awkward and I'm sorry we still think Will Farrell is funny? Also Zach Galiwhocares made a reference to "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp", UH clearly he is stealing material from here because less than 24 hours before I dropped that reference on Tough Issues! BACK OFF JOKE STEALER!!!

Did anyone else notice PHARELL playing drums in the balcony??? 

Pharell if you want to come to the show you are going to need to earn your keep,  you need to learn how to play the drums OR some puppeteering skills because these are your seats and this is your other option. 

If you ask me the whole night might have been better if someone had put Gwyenth Paltrow in her place...

I envision they would have yelled something to the affect of, Contagion SUCKED, YOUR COOK BOOK SUCKS, AND IF YOU HAVE TIME TELL YOUR HUSBAND HIS NEW ALBUM SUCKS. Heckeling would make this way more fun...and I hate to be a traitor to my generation...and sex...but I'm really over this oh my god women are funny Bridesmaids bull shit. 

I'm telling you there must have been so many passive aggressive fights, side eyes, and your eating THAT comments during the filming of Bridesmaids, that everyone probably wrapped that movie with an eating disorder, a restraining order, and a threat to steal the other person's hair and make up artist. It wasn't that funny. You wanna see a good movie with bitches being funny...rent The Sweetest Thing with Cameron Diaz. 

Here comes the question you have all been waiting for did I cry? WELL OBVIOUSLY! I watched the Oscars with friends for awhile then I peaced for the comfort of my COMMAND CENTER...my bed, my computer, my lemon water. And when they gave out the Governors awards and that cute little make up artist and James Earl Jones spoke well the flood gates just opened.

Oh and obviously because she is in fact the ruler of the universe Oprah can make me cry on command! Congrats, you are the human version of the ad for dogs in shelters....

Like my whole entire day is fine than this comes on much like 90% of Oprah episodes...I cry...yea because I even cried during her "Favorite Things Episode" 

So that was The Oscars...I was sad to see The Descendents lose so much because I loved Clooney in that..but whatever I guess the Oscars are kinda like a bad party you have to go, you just hope that goes by fast, you have a laugh or two, and maybe if you are really luck Bradley Cooper shows up and sneaks you out early to the Vanity Fair party....

[thetoughissues-blog]

It's an honor just to be nominated.....

Oscar or Academy Awards...whatever way you splice it, it's tonight motha fuckaaaaas!!! The Oscars are kind of the boring older sibling of the Grammys and we had so much fun there, despite the death in our Tough Issues Family. WE MISS YOU WHITNEY! But we had LL Cool J, we had serious amounts of Tony Bennett, and fuck it I will just say it, you might not always date the right guys Rihanna but you sure can dress....

Thank you for that. 

But enter THE ACADEMY AWARDS with it's shitty hosts, I'm sorry it's Billy Crystal, it's lame musical guest, and it's non slutty fashion choices. Billy Crystal, bad music, conservative clothing...nothing I'm down with. I'm basing my entire life off of LL Cool J, a fun Katy Perry performance, and a strong v-neck.

Billy Crystal has hosted 8 times. WHAT? Does he get benefits now? 8 times at the Oscars? I haven't even been on time for work 8 times in the last 3 months. I am impressed. And yes, I find it harder to wake up at 0600 in the winter months. So whatever. What qualifies Billy Crystal to be the demigod of hosting what is suppose to be the biggest night in the entertainment industry? Maybe it's his contribution to film?

Or his endorsment for PEPSI over COKE. Much like our friend Britney... But I did find this as I perused the ghost of Academy Awards past...Billy wasn't suppose to host! It was suppose to be Eddie Murphy...WHATTTT???? Let's file this under things I wish I didn't know. I firmly believe that 90's David Spade (LOVE) put it best when he said re: Mr Murphy, look children, a falling star. Eddie Murphy has a new movie coming out where like if he talks or some shit he dies

....this movie plot was probably based off what my junior year computer science teacher wished would actually happen to me...yea sometimes people have wanted to shut down the TRUTH TRAIN...not happening, at least not when I can chat and do EXCEL at the same time and still pass this class.

Can I use the pass to get a drink of water...where conveniently one of my friends would be meeting me at said water break...if only I could have harnessed my power for something less lazy and self involved....oh well. 

Back to Eddie...so he quit because Brett Ratner aka the guy who directed Rush Hour 43 and pretended to date Olivia Munn had dropped out of producing the show. WHAAAAtTT you can' get your shit together for 4 dress rehersals and 16 minutes of material because a guy with coke bloat and a penchant for lying can't be there?

James Franco dealt with Anne Hathaway for a better part of a week for this gig, granted he was usually high...but STILL a pay check is a pay check!

I baby sat for 18 hours and pulled 45 hours at my real job 2 weeks ago, was I happy NO! But was I throwing 20's in the fireplace by Friday night? YESSSS....well no...but that's only because my landlord won't let us use the fireplace anymore...can you blame him? And I need those 20 dollar bills...it's hard out here for a hoe!

When I piece together my twenties when I'm probably 28 I will probably entitle my memoirs "It's Hard Out Here For A Hoe" or "Never Date A Jew At Christmas Time And Other Lessons I Learned The Hard Way".

Maybe Eddie Murphy was worried that pay off for hosting the Oscars which I believe is 75 AMERICAN dollars, a liter of Pepsi, and 9 minutes of hang time with Steve Martin, would catapult him into owing more child support (read: SPOUSAL SUPPORT) for Scary Spice. Oh yes, did you forget that they had a child together....WE DIDN'T!

I know ALLLLLL about the cruel world of CHILD SUPPORT thanks to my many viewings of this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Sheree is seeking increased child support and Big Bob is looking to get his patio furniture back...it's HEATED. 

But never fear PHADERA PARKS is on the case! You may know Phadera from her pro bono work with a new favorite at Tough Issues, Bobby Brown. 

Ok can we add THIS photo onto the list of photos I would like to get framed and not be judged for...hi crying Kimberly. 

But Eddie quit and you know that Crystal was sitting there with the bat phone...PLEASE RING PLEASE RING PLEASE RING....Oh you want me to host the Oscars? I will check,  I might have to do DVD commentary for the re-release of When Harry Met Sally that night...

So whatever, I will have to sync up the DVR for SURE because Sunday is HUGE for Khloe and Lamar, whatever remenants of Housewives of Beverly Hills Andy has hiding from me...do yo thang Crystal! Couple more of these and you will qualify for a free drink of choice at the after party!

[thetoughissues-blog]

Mariah wins, but only by default.