thetornup-skinonmyfingers

[thetornup-skinonmyfingers]

feeling like an insane leftist compared to people irl and like a right wing crackpot compared to everyone on here

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"hows the job search going"

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Gay people in the American South

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twitter is trying to cancel chappell roan for saying she refuses to perform at the white house while she is willingly performing in red states and i wish i could hit these people with a book on the head looney toons style so maybe they’d actually understand what she not only said but can start fathoming the concept of queer people existing in red states and being targeted by these bills.

like you’re not woke for refusing to actually acknowledge the people who are forced to live in state that those bills actually affect while you’re safe living in NYC or california. chappell is from missouri and is a midwestern princess for a reason. she’s giving queer people a safe place to be open and themselves for one night and let them have a community where they need it most. i’d love for chappell to come back to san diego and perform but me going to a chappell concert means something different than it does someone who lives in a red state.

just fuck off and actually start to understand politics or stfu! chappell calling out the white house directly was one of the bravest things a celebrity has done in awhile and we’re so lucky to have her.

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guilty because i put up a boundary. guilty because i enforced it. i want to eat my own fist. hate the whole of it.

i tell my therapist that i don't really feel like i need boundaries. i say i am comfortable with most things; i'll figure it out as i go along. she says: that's a fawn response. i laugh about it, because it's either laugh about it or do something about it.

the thing is that once i like someone, i'll forgive them for anything. they don't even have to apologize for it. they could step over each of my desires and take all my teeth. it might take me a little while, but i'd get over it. i'd say: oh, she was having a hard day, and didn't realize i was serious about my safety. i'd say: he's always had anger issues, i feel bad that he hasn't been responding well to therapy. i'd say: you know, it kind of isn't fair of me to expect them to know i don't want to get hurt, i should have been more clear and repeated what i wanted.

i tell other people i'm easy-going. sometimes i get called good natured or happy-go-lucky. i am not able to list traits that i like about myself without mentioning how i help other people. i let people desiccate me and then i say - well, as long as they're happy.

i have been a bad person, is the thing. when i was really sick. and honestly sometimes even when i was doing better. i've hurt other people, and i don't want other people to hurt the way i did. i only have friends because others have forgiven me for the wrong i have done. i only have gotten this far because someone else gave me patience, and kindness, and help.

so it's not fair of me to set a boundary, ever. plus, if i set one and it is broken - that just hurts. and when someone crosses that line i drew, i have to take an action in response. i have to kick someone out of my life (as if i have so many other options) or i have to confront them about it (as if that doesn't make me cry) or. if i take the easy route: i have to simply accept that it happened and internalize it and move on; let it go without a fight.

i can't control, after all, how other people react to my boundaries. they probably are unfair boundaries anyway. it's easier if i just control how i react to the pain - if i just ignore it, and hope it goes away. no need to blow this out of proportion. no need to make a fuss. this way all the hurt stays inside of me, and doesn't slip out and get into anyone. this way is better, right.

who cares what it does to me.

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i. frail bird. i got surgery on tuesday. not for the sake of this poem; for the sake of something they didn't actually find. there's a joke in there, about my past, but you and i shouldn't talk about what we've already learned to swallow. i have 3 incisions. it took me 3 times to spell "incision" right.

ii. regardless of how big the wound is, you shouldn't make a fuss over it. when you are the wound, the whole world is sharper. that doesn't mean you need to whine about it. all you should get is over it.

iii. there are big puffy birds that love the feeder outside my childhood house. my father meticulously cares for them, pride of his life. something my friend said recently has been sticking inside of me, sweetly tender: the hardest thing is remembering even the bad people have good moments.

iv. reconciliation - another hard word to spell. from latin. to bring back together. i have forced this body through a lot. i have made her reconcile skin over and over again. the first time i showered after the operation, i knew just how to stand to avoid the sting of water - i did it without thinking. on instinct. there are people who know where i learned this from. you and i shouldn't talk about it, it's not proper.

v. my father feeds the birds. there are open secrets in this house, bleeding into our centers. we pick the scabs only when there's truly nothing else for it; otherwise we let it rot and fester. better the devil you know. better to let uncomfortable be the standard. i don't know where i learned this. above all else, we value silence.

vi. there isn't a good way out of this poem; it doesn't end.

vii. you and i know what happened, but let's not talk about it.

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well the horrors of the deep find me irresistible so whatever

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"Hope was my greatest sin."

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the cruelty of men is inescapable and the love of women is unattainable, send fruit snacks

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war of the foxes, richard siken / the good place (2016) / twin size mattress, the front bottoms / fleabag (2016) / jamie anderson / wandavision (2021) / in the realm of grief, noor unnahar / twin peaks (1990) / on earth we're briefly gorgeous, ocean vuong

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You can’t deserve a person’s love. You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking like that. They either love you, or they don’t. That doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough for them to love you, because love isn’t something you earn by being good enough. It isn’t something that can be quantified or doled out. Don’t blame yourself for not being loved how you need to, just teach yourself how to look for love where love lives.

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STOP! are you operating on an arbitrary set of terms and rules known only to you? have you created an ultimatum or specific if/then scenario for someone else without communicating it to them? have you considered making a decision and calculated all the consequences and potential reactions to those consequences and consequences for those reactions before you actually made the decision? it may be time to say some words out loud to another person!

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what is there left to say at this point. I’ve stopped caring because god it would all hurt so bad if I cared.

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I just want you to feel safe and loved and comfortable around me

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[thetornup-skinonmyfingers]

Margaret Atwood, from “Owl Song”, Selected Poems: 1965-1975