thesunlightout

[thesunlightout]

pizza 🍕

“babe,” she says, shaking her head as she goes into her wallet, fiddling through it in search of cash, and frowning when she can’t find it. “babe, babe, babe, you’re not listening. i want to shove an entire pizza into my face. i might die if i don’t.”

it’s dramatic, but she’s losing her final marble the further she gets into this pregnancy. it had been the complete opposite when she’d been pregnant with zoë. outside of feeling overemotional (given the circumstances) she’d felt pretty much like herself for most of it.

“four babes and you might die? it’s serious then,” eli says, amusement coloring his tone.

this time, however... not so much.

“don’t mock me.”

he reaches for his own wallet on the end table and pulls out a twenty dollar bill. “i’m not mocking you,” he says, handing her the bill in exchange for the zipped bag in her hands. “it’s just... a little funny. and also 1:30 in the morning.”

fiona pouts as she reached for her phone. “none of this is my fault.” she searches her contacts for the 24-hour pizzeria.

“hm, well—”

“—finish that sentence, i dare you.” she glares at him as she brings the phone to her ear, and waits for an answer on the other line.

eli chuckles to himself and shakes his head, pushing the sheets off his lap and standing to go into the bathroom. fiona has changed so much in the last few months. she’s become a little more impatient, more stubborn than she’d care to admit, and slightly grumpy, though he’d never actually make her feel bad about that. especially not when he’s trying to enjoy every last bit of her pregnancy as best he can.

he’d missed everything the first time around, and he’d be damned if he didn’t do everything in his power to not do so again.

after he washes his hands and dries them off, he makes his way back into their bedroom where fiona’s pulling on a pair of sweatpants, which, upon further observation, are definitely his.

“fi.” eli walks over to her catching her just before she slightly loses her balance when lifting her other leg.

“i know it’s silly,” she pouts, pressing her back into his chest as she manages to get the pants up and over her hips. “i’m just hungry.”

“it’s not silly. you’re just like, 10 kinds of cute right now.”

she shifts her weight back onto her two feet and turns to face him. “i don’t even feel like myself anymore,” she says. “it’s weird.”

“good weird or bad?”

“i don’t know yet,” she admits. “kinda scared to dwell.”

he nods quietly, watching her for a moment, before raising a hand to cup her cheek and chin, as the other comes to rest at the side of her ribs. “you don’t have to right now.” he bows his head and presses his lips to hers.

it lingers for a second, as he tries to provide even an inkling of the reassurance she seems to be looking for. and she rests her own hands at his biceps, he knows she’s searching for him, too.

“we can just focus on your pizza for now.”

she nods, her nose wrinkling adorably, and he just has to press a kiss there, too. and she’s said it a million times, but she’s so grateful he’s here this time around. that they get to share this.

taking his hand, fiona leads eli out of their bedroom, making a pit stop by zoë’s room to check on her. fiona’s heart nearly bursts at the sight of her sleeping face, lit up by the soft neon starlights in her room. a gift from her aunt waverly, and installed by her godfather and favorite person in the world, jude. never sleeps a night without them.

—

she tips manny the delivery guy a nice hefty tip for making it to their place at two in the morning with a piping hot plain pizza, and she almost cries when she takes her first bite.

“you’re actually tearing up,” eli laughs, leaning forward to press a hard kiss to her forehead, completely endeared by her.

“stop!” she shoves him playfully, mouthful of bread, cheese, and tomato sauce.

he grins and wonders how he got so lucky, how after making such a god awful mess of things, he could be so lucky to have this with her. a home, a family, a life this big and this full.

“this is the best pizza i’ve ever had in my life.”

she says this every time she gets to have pizza, cherishes every single bite like it’s her last.

“are you happy?”

he’s not talking about the pizza.

“oh, the happiest.”

she is.

but it’s okay, because he knows she loves their life just as much.

[thesunlightout]

catalyst;

he has a panic attack on christmas eve.

a flat out, clutching his chest, gasping for air panic attack on the soft rug of his newborn daughter’s bedroom. and it’s wildly world shattering, and at the same time grounding.

zoë seems to sense his distress because she’s screaming awake, angry cries coming from the inside of her crib.

he wants to reach for her. desperately wants to pull it together long enough to grab her and help calm her down. but he can barely move. he can only look through the bars of the white crib she rests in, horror coloring his face.

he doesn’t know how long she cries, but he knows the sound, and his inability to gather air would haunt him for the next year of his life.

—

georgina’s told him he’s going to get zoë used to being carried around everywhere and that the bad habit would be impossible to break and screw them both over.

she’s barely held her in a month.

how had he not noticed she’d barely held her in all twenty-seven days she’s been here with them.

he’s barely been able to let her go.

(but that’s more to do with the god-awful panic attack he’d had last night. and the fact that she was the only link to the person he’s wanted to pick up the phone and call for the last twenty-seven days)

zoë sleeps against his chest, blissfully unaware of the torment going on just beneath her little head.

“georgie...” he says, eyes glued to his daughter’s perfect little nose. she’s bigger than the day she was born, but somehow still so tiny.

“what?” she’s fiddling with some paperwork at the breakfast counter, seemingly unphased at the tone of his voice. it’s christmas and she’s still working. frankie was supposed to come by later for dinner, but he’s about to cancel on her.

eli presses a kiss to zoë’s forehead, whispering the most quiet of apologies before looking to the woman meant to be her mother. “we need to talk.”

“i’m listening,” she says, not looking up from her files.

“georgina.” that gets her attention.

she looks up, brow furrowed. “what’s wrong?”

he scoffs, eyes welling. “god, what isn’t wrong?”

“what? is it the baby?”

he scoots up from his place on the couch and stands, setting zoë down in the tiny swing. her little brow furrows and she curls her arms into her chest, finding her comfort before settling again as he wraps her up in her baby blanket.

“eli?” she sets her pen down.

he presses his lips together and gives zoë one last glance before making his way over to the counter. “i have to tell you the truth about her.”

“what truth? are you okay? you’re not making sense.”

his fingers brush furiously over his forehead as he tries to gather his thoughts, trying to figure out how to lay all of this on her, today of all days, and like this.

“zoë... she...”

“eli.” thin patience. “the point, please.”

“she’s fiona’s,” he says, and for a second, he’s having a bit of an out of body experience, watching himself be a complete idiot. but then he gathers he’s been an idiot for the last three and a half years. “i... knew her, we have history, and...”

—

he gets a mess of papers shoved at his face a second later, and for all the ways this could’ve gone, this was probably the closest to the scenarios in his head.

“what fucking movie am i in right now?!”

he can’t blame her; if he weren’t the one it was happening to, he probably wouldn’t have believed it either. but it is happening to him. he’s happening because of him.

she’s fiona’s.

“i screwed up...”

she’s not yours.

“yeah, no shit! how long did you think it’d take me to figure it out?!”

he had no idea, but he certainly didn’t think he’d have waited this long. if he were a better person, he wouldn’t have waited at all. saved so many people a whole world of heartache.

“i don’t know, i just...”

“what do you know?! huh? what do you know? because right now you have nothing to show for it.” she chucks her rings at him a second later. “i gave up everything because you wanted a kid. i went above and beyond and for what?”

—

he can barely say anything, and he knows it’s pissing her off more, but for months he’s barely been able to figure out the words within himself. his own inaction has been consuming him from the inside out. trying to protect the people around him all while hurting this with his own mistakes.

but georgina’s proud, always has been, and she has never been one to be defeated. she’d always been meant to be a lawyer.

“i want a divorce.” so final. so cold.

“georgie...”

“don’t!” she shoves him back. “don’t you dare!”

before he knows it, she’s shoving her feet into the boots at the door and grabbing her coat. “oh, and evan? yeah, not just business.”

she’s out the door before he can say another word, her admission of guilt an obvious painful twisting of the knife to mask her own pain.

he’s left in a mess of papers as zoë starts to cry at the slam of the door.

[thesunlightout]

“i wish i’d known when i met you that my life would begin and end with you.”

it sounds harsher than he means it, and the look on her face tells him he’d better explain quick before this all goes even more to shit.

but god, what else can he say if that’s exactly what it is. his life began and ended the minute she entered it. he was done for the minute that elevator stopped.

“sorry i ruined your life that much,” she says, eyes glassy, despite the clear anger on her face.

“you didn’t—,” he tries, but she’s already on her feet making her way toward the door.

“eli, if you don’t have anything better to say to me than that, after everything then please, please just leave.”

“fiona.”

“you don’t think all of this, ALL of this, has been just as hard on me? i put my life on pause for you for years, waiting for you to make a decision and you got married! and you came back into my life and asked beyond the world of me, and i ended up with nothing!”

“you let me...” he says selfishly, weakly. god he knows better, but he’s falling apart, bursting at the seams. he’s grasping at straws.

“my god,” she scoffs. “to protect you! to keep helping your world keep spinning on its axis because you wanted me to be the one to ask you to give up your life for me even though you knew i wouldn’t. you knew i’d never ask you. i let you take my baby to keep your world spinning, and you—”

she can barely keep the sobs at bay now, and the way she presses her hand to her mouth yells him she’s conscious of the baby sleeping in the other room. but her words are all true, things she’s held onto for years, things he should’ve been aware of before getting her into this mess. “you aren’t the only one this has all been hard on,” she says, sniffling and wiping at her eyes. “because i fucked up and should’ve known better, but you should’ve, too.”

his heart tugs at that, a sour ache he’s been feeling for the last two years of his life.

“just... get out. i’m not doing this with you anymore.”

“fiona, please...” she opens the door and motions for him to leave.

“get out, eli. sort your life out. for her sake.” zoë. “she deserves better than this mess around her.”

he stands from his place at the couch, feeling beyond the weight of the world on his shoulders. and he’d be thankful if the ground could swallow him whole.

he’d known if he’d pulled on this particular thread that everything would just fall a part even further, that it’d be the spark that lit the match and set everything ablaze. because he wasn’t lying, his world began and ended when she came into his life. because she’s be the one who, no matter how hard he tried, he’d never be able to let go of.

[thesunlightout]

eli watches her work from his place in the corner of the kitchen. it’s late, another late night she’s chosen to stay after hours. she’s told him about this, about liking the quiet, dimmed atmosphere of the bakery she’s poured all of her love into these last few years. he’s started to love it, too.

he gets it. somewhat. there’s peace in this place. he’s had very little of that in his life, mostly because of his own messes he’s made. it’s likely why he’d leaned on her so much, leaned into her world so much.

fiona hansen is peace personified, even when she isn’t.

her abdomen’s expanded since he saw her last, the last six weeks a torture. but she’d told him the time apart wouldn’t kill him, and that they’d both be better for it.

he really can’t keep doing this.

“i can feel you staring,” fiona says, not looking up from where she’s just finished making a batch of cookie dough. “and if you’re just going to creepily stare, then at least sit where i can see you.”

he snorts, light and almost too quiet to make a sound, and stands, making his way over to her and around to the front of the metal counter she works at. he pulls up a stool and takes a seat in front of her.

“thank you.” she presses both hands flat against the surface in front of her, and stretches her back, inhaling sharply before exhaling more slowly.

“you good?” he asks softly, watching her curiously.

“yeah,” she nods, rubbing her lower back some. “standing’s just not what it used to be,” she chuckles, then wiping her brow with the side of her wrist, brushing her bangs (or what’s left of them, she’d say) out of her face.

“take a break...” he says, concern coloring his tone.

“not broken just—“

“—pregnant, i know. but humor me, will you?”

she purses her lips and glares at him, before reaching for her discarded stool beside her and taking a seat. the instant relief in her features tells him he’s right, but he won’t tell her that. she’s got a powerful glare he rarely chooses to mess with.

“you’re getting harder to lug around, little one,” she mutters, hand resting over the apron curling along the swell of her belly.

his lip quirks, heart tugging at the scene before him. he loves observing her in an element he’d never fully understand, one he’d never need to.

the slow smile on her face lets her know his baby’s just kicked in response. “you know what i meant.”

“you get each other,” he comments.

“usually. she can be as stubborn as you are.” that earns him a glare, but more playful than the ones he’s afraid of.

he stands again, this time walking back around the counter to the place just behind her. she shivers at how close he stands, as his hands find the tie her neck, loosening her apron and letting it fall forward into her lap.

“eli.”

“let me,” he says, hands finding even placements where her neck meets each of her shoulders, thumbs beginning to make slow work of the taut muscle underneath.

“see? stubborn.” but it’s less a complaint, and more her leaning forward and resting her elbows on the on the metal in front of her.

“assess me again after this, yeah?” he leans down and presses a kiss atop her head, and another just to the back of her neck.

“okay, no, don’t do that, that’s how you got me into this mess again.” she’s removed her glasses and sets them down in front of her.

“our kids are a mess?” he chuckles, continuing to rub her shoulders. “zoë’s perfect.”

“yes, but she’s all me,” he can hear her smile and know she’s only kidding. “even at six, she’s all me. this one’s going to be a hellion, and i have only you to blame. i can sense it.”

his smile widens, but he doesn’t say anything, instead continuing his mission to help her settle any aches she might be carrying. he can’t convince her to let him take her home, but he can at least help ease her discomfort.

“i missed you,” he says simply, hand moving down her spine.

“i missed you, too,” she says lazily. “no more business trips, yeah?”

“okay. yeah.”

“thank you.”

[thesunlightout]

untitled;

things had changed so much since zoë had been born. the last year had a whirlwind of figuring out new uneven territory that was parenthood and fully existing in one another’s lives. that had been new for them, for all their history had been confined to short spurts. short bursts of time together, and then continuing their lives separate.

they had conformed to it, existed in it so perfectly, until life had thrown this wrench that had forced them together.

and it was awkward and painful, like stretching through a sprained muscle bent in a direction it’d never been meant to go. it was two people who’d managed to know each other like the back of their hands having to navigate their lives as strangers again.

and a baby. their baby.

but for some reason, for all that heavy weight on their shoulders and chests, she’d made it bearable. possible. she’d helped them find their way to the place they already knew.

“she missed you,” she’d murmured at the door, a fussy eight-month old in her arms. “i think she hates them, too...”

he hated thunderstorms; he’d always had a ball of anxiety living in the pit of his stomach until the rain would subside. she’d figured that out at a tiny cottage on a beach in rhode island, on a weekend meant for the beach that had turned into rain.

-

“i just... can’t breathe when it happens sometimes.” he’d chuckled, a bit of shame coloring his features.

“hey,” she’d murmured, and eased herself over, nudging him some and sliding into the space between him and the headboard. “i’m here.” she’d drawn him to her chest, arms wrapping around the broad expanse of his back and chest. her lips found his shoulder, leaving a slow and careful trail along his skin, until they landed at the crook of his neck. “i’ve got you.”

she held him, rubbed her hands over his skin until she settled. even when he finally fell asleep, she never let go.

he should’ve known she’d always be home. she’d been home since a dark elevator found them forever ago. he’d been too stupid to see it then.

-

his daughter, too, apparently. she cried in her mother’s arms, upset, angry, disgruntled, and just plain sad at the noise and showers outside.

eli’s eyes went soft, lip quirking some despite everything. “how’d you know i’d be awake?” he asked, quickly stepping aside so she could walk in.

“she gets it from somewhere,” she said, stepping into his large loft. she’d been here dozens of times before, bringing their daughter over to see her father. this was no different.

he shut the door behind her, and walked over, watching as fiona tried to soothe the little baby in her arms. he gave her a once over, noticing her pajamas and messy hair. dry still, and he’d suddenly been grateful for the parking garage underneath his building, saving her from having to be outside at all in this weather.

she clearly hadn’t bothered with much when leaving the house, save for the sweatshirt she was wearing. his coincidentally, likely accidental laundry among zoë’s things.

their lives were so intwined already, and they didn’t even mean for them to be. of course, a child, and the history that made them so seamless, made distance impossible for people such as themselves.

reaching out, eli’s hand comes to rest at zoë’s back, “hey, zo zo,” he said softly, a nickname given to her by his younger sister, obsessed with her niece from the moment she met her. fiona wordlessly helped draw her out of the crook of her neck, and led her into his arms where he quickly took her.

she seemed to cry louder at a sudden a crack of thunder that nearly made him jump out of his skin. fiona’s hand pressed into his shoulder blade almost instantly, as if she knew (and he guessed she did)

“come on, kiddo,” he whispered, drawing her into his chest and pressing a kiss atop her head.

“da,” she’d cried pitifully, and fiona frowned as she looked up at him.

he wrapped her up tight in his arms and nodded fiona over as he made his way toward his bedroom.

their boundaries had been obliterated long before then. it was especially obvious as fiona toed off her shoes and jacket and followed him in the direction of his room.

in the last year, they’d done nothing but coparent the little girl in his arms, but it was hard to deny the magnetism between them, and it was easy to fall into it. for her to come and go from his place as she pleased, for her to be in his room and him in hers, for their lives to be laced and open.

so much grey area between two people. no wonder his marriage went to shit the way it did. (of course, so many factors besides this)

“she was asleep,” fiona explained. “and then just started freaking out after the first crack of thunder,” she told him. “i tried to calm her down, but it’s been about two hours, and i really didn’t want to bother everyone in my building.”

he nodded in response, rubbing zoë’s back.

“we’re gonna need a new system,” she joked, but had yet to smile. eli knew how much fiona hated when zoë cried like this. it was one thing for the baby to cry when she needed something, but to be this inconsolable... she struggled with it still. anyone would, really.

“you should move in,” he said simply.

zoë angry sobs turned to quiet sniffles, soothed at the presence of her fater (”and favorite person in the world.” fiona would say. “second favorite,” jude would shout.)

"don’t do that now,” she sighed, tapping at his back as she followed him to his room.

“it’s two in the morning; if you lived here, you wouldn’t have to drive across town for this,” he told her. “especially not in the rain.”

he paused at his open bedroom door, and she leaned up and pressed a kiss to his shoulder blade despite herself. “eli, we can’t blur the lines for her. we-”

“i’m her dad; i’m not some random guy.” he turned to face her. “and i love you. and you me. whether you wanna be with me or not isn’t going to change that.”

fiona swallowed hard. it wasn’t that she didn’t, it was more that she couldn’t risk their messiness getting to the little girl in his arms. if they fucked it up and hurt zoë in the process, she’d never forgive herself. hence her reluctance.

“eli.”

“i know, i know.” he turned back to walk into the room and didn’t hesitate to climb into his bed, the other side already turned down for her for the zoë sandwich they were about to make.

she didn’t like making it a habit for the baby to sleep out of the crib, but he’d felt it was warranted. especially tonight. especially when he’d been awake waiting for the storm to pass, too.

he went to put the baby down, and she wailed almost instantly, which led him to ease back against the headboard, and pulling her back into his chest.

“eli, i just...”

“da,” zoë pressed her nose into the crook of her neck, pitiful sobs turning into light sniffles.

“fi, let’s not, okay?” he pressed a kiss to zoë’s temple. “we know how this ends.”

fiona frowned from her place at the doorway, before stepping into the room, and taking a seat on the other side of the bed. as she looked at two massive pieces of her life and her future, she wondered why she couldn’t give in, and came up empty.

even after the rain subsided.

[thesunlightout]

close the door, hold the phones, show me how no one’s ever gonna stop us now...

when she looks back on this moment, she’ll try to deny it to herself that she was the one who kissed him first. she’ll tell herself that it was him, and the way he looked at her, and the way she could feel his breath on her face.

but in reality, she will know that she was the one who got closer to him, who pressed her hand against his ribs and slid her arm around to pull him closer. she was the one who stood on her toes and pressed her lips to his, selfishly, carelessly. she took what she wanted.

but he didn’t stop her. then again, she’d known he wouldn’t.

-

“we have to tell her about us, eli,” she murmurs, tightening her grip around the drink in her hands. she shouldn’t be having alcohol. if they’re really doing this, the doctor had warned her she needed to clean up her diet. but she needed something to get her through this conversation.

eli sighed. “i know...”

“it’s just.... there’s too much history here,” fiona says, and as she says it, she realizes it’s not enough to describe it. they had an entire world, an entire bubble between them and only them.

he shifts in his seat, as if he is reckoning with the weight of her words. they shared almost too much in the time they spent together. and when it ended, that was it; all they had left were their memories. he’d moved on with his life, and she’d moved on with hers.

except now, here they were. here he was: with his wife and his potential future child between them.

fucking insane, she knows.

“i know, fiona,” he says, and she’d be lying if she said her knees didn’t go weak as her name left his lips. she’d made her peace when they parted ways, but he was still eli, and he still did things to her. the whiskey clearly wasn’t helping.

“but i can’t even begin to tell you how long she and i have been at this with no luck. looking for matches and donors and ivf and trying... and it hasn’t worked. and now here you are. perfect match, perfect fit... and it’s you.”

there’s a weight to the way he says that. as though she were something more or greater. maybe it’s selfish because he seems to be the only one winning, but dammit if she isn’t nodding along.

“eli.”

“i know how it sounds.”

the whiskey tastes bitter when she takes another swig. she’s never really enjoyed whiskey (because how does one enjoy whiskey) but it always settled her nerves in a way other kinds of alcohol couldn’t. 

“you can’t come here and ask me to do this like this,” she says. “it blows up in our faces and then what? this is a baby, not a business transaction. there’s so much at stake here.”

“i know, i never said it was going to be simple, i just... this is it for me,” he says, somewhat pathetically. “she doesn’t want to do this again, she doesn’t want to try again. you’re kinda my last shot here.”

-

she’s tipsy when she’s making her way into the bathroom, when she grips the wall beside the closed door and tries to catch her breath. because she’s just said yes to something insane, and going about it in a way her gut is just screaming for her not to.

but that could be the whiskey. her slight anger is probably the whiskey, too.

and so is the way she’s pushing him backward when he opens the bathroom door.

“fiona.”

“shut up,” she mutters as she shuts the door behind them.

“wha--”

“you cant ask me to do this,” she tells him, shutting her eyes. you can’t come here, talking about last shots, and ask me to have a baby for you.” her teeth are gritted, and she can feel a bead of sweat trickling down the back of her neck. it’s already hot, and the tiny bathroom isn’t helping.

“fiona, i know i--” he stops when she presses her hands against his ribs, and they’re nose to nose against the door.

“you know, and yet you’re still here.” 

-

when she looks back on this moment, she’ll try to deny it to herself that she was the one who kissed him first. she’ll tell herself that it was him, and the way he looked at her, and the way she could feel his breath on her face.

but she’s the one standing on her toes and pressing her lips to his, slow, steady, almost unsure, and yet so sure that it was the only thing she wanted.

“fiona,” he whispers against her mouth, lips touching hers with every syllable.

“just... for a minute,” gripping his shirt in her hands, she kisses him again. because for a minute, she really doesn’t give a fuck. and for a minute, she really missed him. and for a minute she hates him for coming to her in desperation when this should have been over and done with the minute they were face to face in that doctor’s office.

and then that minute turns into fifteen desperate, heated minutes and where her dress gets bunched up at her hips.

and it’s as messy as their heads and hearts are, and she’s ashamed, but can’t bring herself to regret it. not when she finds the mark against her collarbone, or his fingers pressed into the grooves of her hip bones.

but it happens. and it’s so bad.

and yet so good.

(they won’t realize this until long after it happens because it all happens too closely to tell, but those heated fifteen minutes are enough to create their daughter. the one she’d have to give up. but they don’t know this now. nor does it matter now.)

[thesunlightout]

Andes Mountains, Peru | mydetoxtravel

[thesunlightout]

her little brother elopes on the first day of may and she nearly falls over when he sends her a selfie of himself and teddy, holding up hands with brand new rings on their fingers.

and really, it shouldn’t shock her that auggie married teddy—those two have been practically married from the moment they met. but her dad sorta flips after finding out his youngest child’s tied the knot without telling anyone, and she thinks it might have to do with the fact that as a whole, she and her siblings have kept way too many secrets from him.

it’s honestly surprising the poor man hasn’t had a heart attack yet, heavens forbid. she supposes she should thank vivian for that.

but it puts things into perspective about just how much life has changed in just the last few months. and is another lesson of how if people want to be happy, they can just be. funny that her baby brother, of all people, figured that out first.

(she should probably check in on them. they haven’t left teddy’s apartment in a week, and he hasn’t mentioned moving yet. though that’s probably obvious now, but a little notice would be nice?)

-

“auggie’s married, mom,” fiona says, rearranging zoë on her lap. her daughter’s just turned five months, and it’s finally warm enough outside for her to bring her here. “and i have a daughter. and waverly has a daughter. and i wish it hasn’t been so chilly. i wanted to bring her to you sooner,” she frowns.

zoë babbles, bringing her tiny fingers into her mouth, seemingly oblivious to anything her mother was saying.

“i guess you already knew about her... even before i did,” her lip quirks albeit sadly. “but this is zoë.” fiona bows her head and presses a kiss atop her head. “and she’s been...” she presses her lips together as her eyes water, and she wonders quietly if this overwhelming emotion over her daughter will ever cease.

not that she ever wants it to.

“she’s been like magic, mom.” she peppers kisses along zoë’s little cheek, earning her a big bellied laugh from the baby girl in her arms and causing her to laugh right along with her. “everything feels right with her here.”

she leans back against the gravestone behind her and snuggles her daughter into her chest. and she feels it more than she could ever hear it, but it’s almost as though her mom’s arms are wrapping around her in that moment and whispering, just like you were for me...

-

waverly’s been off lately.

or well, not off, off. she’s still waverly, but she’s been sort of... aloof. a little harder to read than she already was. it’s been this way the last couple of months as life found its center for all of them after the huge back to back surprises the end of the previous year’d had in store. between eleanor, jude, and zoë.

fiona’s assumed it’s because her sister’s finally growing up. and really growing up. the healthy way, not the way where she hides all her pain and tries to survive it on her own.

and maybe it’s because she now has a baby of her own who she’s wants to pour nothing but love into and ensure she’s protected beyond belief, but she realizes she’s been hard on waverly all these years, too.

fiona’s been a perfectionist and a protector and anything that gets in the way of that brings frustration into her world, but she’s realized that all waverly’s known is chaos, from her home life, to charlie, to finding a long lost father, and even now with a daughter and an ex-boyfriend returned from the dead. and all she’s known to be is chaotic, all while trying so hard not to be.

motherhood has made her more understanding. and forgiving. and showed her all the ways in which she wasn’t being forgiving.

she has care with waverly now. more than she’s ever had. she isn’t meant to fix her, or even assume she’s broken. she’s meant to love her. and that’s it.

still, it’s strange she’s off in her own world now, with this boyfriend fiona still doesn’t really know. but she seems happy. and that’s all she could really ask for.

-

andi’s anniversary gift to sophie is a month-long trek through europe. all sophie’s wanted for as long as they’ve known her is to visit europe and get wrapped up in all the history. andi, as per usual, delivered, ten-fold.

barcelona, luxembourg, positano, just to name a few.

fiona’s glued to her instagram just waiting for her next update, even if it is just andi taking incredibly magical photos of her wife the whole time. but they look so happy, and they remind her of the same happiness auggie and teddy keep putting out into the world.

-

and then there’s eli. eli, whose life has gone from upside down to even more upside down, and she swears she only sees him smile when he’s holding zoë.

they’re not together, not anywhere near it, but she loves him, and he seems to still love her, too. however his life is too messy to even consider anything that isn’t coparenting the little girl they share.

it’s better that way.

he’s in the middle of a divorce almost too messy to even fathom. fiona kind of hates herself when she sees him this way for some of her fault in the mess, but eli refuses to allow her to share even a bit of the blame. he’s also way deep in a pit of self-hatred, and feels like he wants the world to swallow him whole throughout this process.

but she tries to remind him that he’s going to come out on the other side of this. somehow. some way. she offers him her friendship, and this new family they’ve created with their daughter and hopes it’s enough while he sorts it all out.

she just hopes it doesn’t consume him before that happens. especially as newer details come to light. like how his wife didn’t actually have trouble conceiving, or how he wasn’t the only man in her life.

-

“hey, spacey,” jude’s voice draws her attention, and she startles, nearly dislodging the bowl of batter from the mixer. “where’d you go?” he asks.

“she’s right here, daddy...”

eleanor’s innocence makes fiona chuckle, and she shuts off the mixer before turning her attention to both of them. “yeah, i’m right here.” grabbing the bowl, she walks over to where the two of them sit, jude on a stool with his daughter on his lap as they fiddle with a bowl of cookie dough.

(translation: eat a bowl of cookie dough instead of preparing it for customers)

“ha ha,” jude grumbles, pressing a kiss to eleanor’s cheek, smiling as she giggles and reaches for another spoonful of the sweet treat in front of her.

“y’know, ellie, don’t you think you should save some room for lunch?” fiona asks, brow quirked almost knowingly.

eleanor’s eyes go wide, mouth full of what should be her dessert. it’s hard not to give the beautiful little girl just about everything she wants, but fiona’s a parent now, and she has to be stern (even if being the cool aunt is still up high on her list of important things to achieve)

“but i like cookie dough...”

“but that’s dessert.”

...tbc

[thesunlightout]

Sophia Bush as “Alexandra” in Easy | 3.03 “Spontaneous Combustion”

[thesunlightout]

Sophia Bush photographed by Hudson Taylor.

[thesunlightout]

all was golden when the day met the night;

“jude, hey,” fiona greeted brightly from where she stood folding her baby blankets brought up from the laundry. “q didn’t stand a chance; she loved you first,” she chuckled.

zoë cooed happily from her place in the center of her mother’s bed, little arms and legs moving about as she stretched and wriggled between two pillows. fiona grinned down at her as jude took a seat and she watched as her daughter’s eyes shifted to look at the new presence in the room.

“say hi to your uncle jude, sugar plum,” she cooed back, bowing her head to pepper kisses along zoë’s cheek. “he brought you a present.” she watched as her newly found baby smile formed on her tiny features, dimples and all. “go on, you can take her,” she offered, nodding jude closer.

having zoë here with her these last near two months had been such an adjustment, both physically and emotionally. there was a lot that came with a new baby, but the relief of having her here seemed to outweigh a lot of the struggle (even if they did cry together a lot for most of the first month)

it helped that waverly and auggie had stepped up immediately to assist her, doting aunt and uncle popping in every chance they got. their parents seemed to spend more time down in the city than back upstate and it hit her just how lucky she was to have them.

quincy and jude did the same, and they were almost impossibly smitten with baby zoë. she couldn’t blame them, because she was damn cute.

andi came over with sophie every chance she got and had appointed herself godmother, and insisted on sharing the role with waverly.

and then there was eli, who she didn’t have words for yet.

“how was your day with el?” she asked jude, picking up another burping cloth to fold.

[thesunlightout]

boxing day - december 26th

he’d never celebrated boxing day before. it wasn’t a holiday people even thought about in america—it was the day after christmas, and went no further than that.

but the thing was, eli was experiencing something he’d never felt in his entire life. he’d spent the better part of the last three days watching his life fall to shambles, knowing it had been almost entirely his own fault.

it’d been like watching a fire and having no water nearby to put it out, like having to accept that everything was falling apart.

but god he’d fucked up so bad. he’d made the wrong move every step of this, and shouldn’t have been surprised when it all came to a head. but there was something about inherent human stubbornness, about life giving you all of the signs and you just ignoring them in favor of doing what you think is the right thing.

that’s what he’d done here.

georgina hadn’t wanted a baby. that much had been clear. but their marriage had been going through a rough patch when it’d come up, and he’d pushed her. so she’d offered that as a fix-it. but then she’d disappeared in the process, and he’d mucked it up even further by not speaking up when fiona came back into the fabric of his life.

and then when zoë had been born and breathed an entire batch of new life into him, thus giving him a chance to make things right with everyone involved, he’d fucked it up again and said nothing.

he’d watched georgina struggle through it. try her hand at motherhood she hadn’t exactly wanted. he’d watched her hold herself together long enough to try and love a baby who was nothing of hers, whose presence seemed like a burden to her when she thought eli wasn’t paying attention.

that’s what made him tell the truth a month too late. that’s why his life was in shambles, falling apart at the seams. there was so much to deal with now.

it was why he was standing on fiona’s doorstep carseat in one hand and an envelope in the other.

he glanced down at zoë’s sleeping face. she was still so tiny, so precious his heart squeezed. god, how could he do this to her? she was the person he loved most in the entire world and he’d ruined her barely a month in.

he knocked on the door a few times, heart dropping when he heard movement on the other side. his eyes were already welling when footsteps approached, and part of him wanted to run away.

but he’s done enough running; he has to face the music. happy boxing day to him.

the door opened a second later, the woman he’d seen very few times before appearing on the other side. “uh... hi...”

“hi?” she wasn’t blonde anymore, once platinum hair now replaced with a more muted brown. “can i help you?” her eyes drifted down to the baby in her carseat, and he could see the furrow in her brow, recognition in her features.

“waverly, right?” he offered, pressing his lips together nervously. “i’m looking for fiona, i’m...”

“i know you you are,” waverly said, folding her arms. “and if you’re coming to rub the baby in her face—”

“no,” he cut her off, shaking his head. “no, i’m not doing that, i’m...” he cleared his throat, shifting his weight from his right foot to his left. “i just... i need to see her, i need to talk to her. it’s important.”

she seemed to size him up, as if trying to gauge his intentions. she couldn’t blame him, in her shoes, if it were frankie, he’d probably be the same way, if not worse. “come inside,” she said opening the door wider. “it’s too cold for her in that hallway.” her eyes were glued to the baby as he walked in.

“wave, who’s at the door?” fiona’s voice sounded far away, but it still sent chills down his arms. he hadn’t seen her since that last day at the hospital. they hadn’t talked; she’d asked him not to.

he swallowed hard when he caught a glimpse of her hair as she turned the corner, watching as shock colored her features at the sight of him.

“uh, yeah...” waverly spoke up first, shutting the door behind him. 

“what are you...” fiona swallowed hard, her eyes shifting between him and the baby, disbelief in her face. “i asked you to...” she blinked a few times, eyes welling immediately. “eli.”

“I know,” he said. “i know what you said, but...”

fiona’s eyes were now glued to zoë, and he could see her try to catch her breath. “she’s grown so much...”

“i... yeah,” he nodded, glancing down at her. she’d changed quite a bit in the last month, chubbier cheeks and softer features. she was looking more and more like fiona every day.

“she looks just like you, fi,” waverly said softly, going to meet her sister at the end of the hall. eli watched as she gave fiona’s arm a squeezed and whispered a few words he couldn’t quite make out. “i’m going to let you two talk,” she added out loud. “and i swear,” she turned to eli. “the minute something’s out of place, you’re out of here.”

eli nodded wordlessly as she left the room. fiona stepped into the living room. “sit, please,” she motioned to the couch and took a seat across from him, still looking at zoë like she was a beacon.

“i won’t keep you long...” he said taking a seat. “i... i should’ve called, but... everything’s such a mess.”

she glanced up at him. “what’s wrong? is she okay?”

he couldn’t get the words out, his throat felt so tight. all the guilt, all the mess of the last few months had been taking their toll on him, and he felt the weight of it all in his chest. it was hard to breathe.

but despite that, he had to remember he was here, trying to fix it, and that while it didn’t absolve him, it had to be enough. for now.

zoë squirmed some in the seat, and he quickly reached down to get her out. fiona gasped at the sight as eli drew her into his arms and watched her seemingly trying to get comfortable. “do you want to hold her?” he asked softly.

“i... no, i...”

“fiona... take her. please? i have a lot to tell you and...”

he stood and opted for the spot on the couch next to her and handed zoë over. fiona sniffled, a sob escaping her as zoë settled against her. a perfect fit.

he’d fucked up so bad...

“you should have never been without her,” he whispered, brushing his thumb over the baby’s furrowed brow. “i don’t know how i let things get this messy, and i don’t know why, but i do know one thing for certain: zoë is your daughter. and i had no right, not even for a second, to take her from you,” he told her.

“eli, what are you—”

“i should’ve made this right from the beginning... it didn’t have to be more than what it was. i fucked up, and it’s on me, and you shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences because of that,” he said.

“what are you saying?”

“i have a lot to explain, i know, but... i want you to take her.”

[thesunlightout]

sleigh bells ring, are you listening?

Fiona laughed at that one. If her sister thought she was at all discreet about anything when it came to Jude, clearly she wasn’t taking a good look in the mirror. “I would imagine someone who looks like Jude would be high on the list in the single dad department,” she told her, taking a bite of her macaroni. “So it doesn’t surprise me. But the audacity,” she winked, highly amused at Waverly’s reaction.

“I, however, think you do get it. You’ve been territorial your whole life; Sure, it’s been three years without him, but did you really think the way you react to him would be any different?”

For as much as she’d grown up, especially lately, some things about Waverly would never change. And this would be one of them.

She turned her attention back to the macaroni and figured she should probably eat something more hearty, what with her healing stitches and all. But, she figured she could indulge herself, and did so, taking another bite.

“I don’t think you were wrong to kick him out,” she said, small smile on her face as she nudged Waverly’s arm with her foot. “There’s no need to confuse Eleanor if it isn’t meant to be more than what it currently is. But I do think the fact that you’re having… sleepovers… warrants a conversation you need to have.”

There were a thousand things they needed to talk about, things Jude had already hinted to Fiona, but clearly didn’t want to talk about without telling Waverly. And while she’d love to be the middle man and fix everything, she knew for a fact that she couldn’t.

And well, after everything, she wasn’t exactly sure she wanted to be.

[thesunlightout]

they’re singing deck the halls...

Fiona looked over at Waverly as she plopped down on her bed, and reached out to scratch Bear’s ears to settle her. She was a curious puppy, the little pug, and quite attached and territorial about Fiona, a trait she found a little endearing, even if it meant she’d follow her into the bathroom at three in the morning.

She shook her head and crossed her legs over the ankles. “That’s an easy one. Quincy’s because now that you two finally stopped total brats, we can hang out with the kids for the holidays.”

Granted, she wasn’t feeling up for the holidays all that much this year. But it was looking like a big year for their family, what with Eleanor and Jude coming into the picture, and Quincy and Waverly getting their collective shit together. It was important to celebrate that. To commemorate it, even if she felt like shit.

But that was why she’d made the decision to go back to work today and not a little later. It had more to do with her not wanting to stare at the four walls of her bedroom anymore and dwell on everything that had happened. She was starting to associate this place with all of her misery, and considering how big she was on the concept of sanctuary, she knew she’d be better off doing things that distracted her from everything going through her mind.

She was definitely doing much better than she had been, and felt like there was a path toward getting back to herself. Slow and steady, and all that.

“Work was okay,” she nodded. “Better than I thought. Though I did spend most of the day sitting and talking to Jude, so I suppose it doesn’t count.”

It had been difficult to get up and go today, but the smile on Andi’s face, and the warm welcomes from Mia and Riley had been enough to make it all worth it. She’d spent most of the day in the kitchen, sitting on ice packs and rolling out cookie dough. it was as much as she could do without overexerting herself or pulling out the remnants of her stitches.

But all in all, it had been a decent day.

“Pass the mac and cheese,” she said, the cheesy scent hitting her nose almost immediately. She hadn’t had much of an appetite lately, so when her hunger did kick in, she had to take advantage of it.

“And while you’re at it, tell me how long you’re going to keep pretending you and Jude aren’t sleeping together so I know to act surprised when you tell everyone,” she added, a cheeky smile on her face just waiting for Waverly to nearly jump out of her skin.

[thesunlightout]

discover some new truth...

“You know… you’re still allowed to ask why he chose now to show up,” Fiona said softly. She raised her legs, drawing them up to her chest. Despite her soreness, the position was surprisingly comfortable. “I mean, I know we’re all glad to see him, and I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been feeling, but you’re still allowed to ask.”

Problem solving for other people was her strong suit, and while she wanted nothing to do with her own drama, this… this she could handle. “I understand what happened that day for both of you, but in three years he didn’t reach out. You’re allowed to have questions about that, even if you don’t get the answers straight away.”

Hell, she had questions. She couldn’t exactly blame Waverly for feeling the same way, granted, she wasn’t exactly sure she should be leading Waverly down this rabbit hole.

“For his birthday next month. We can send them away from all this drama for a bit,” she nodded, lip quirking as she thought of her little brother. Auggie had been such a rock his whole life, even before he was mature enough to understand. So this… everything going on with their little world being turned completely on its head, he’s been nothing short of amazing in handling it.

And he deserved to be recognized for it.

“What else have I missed?” she asked.

[thesunlightout]

there’s so much i’ve longed to say

As Waverly spoke, Fiona’s eyes shifted to the puppy in her arms, looking just about as sad as she currently felt. Still, there seemed to be a glint in her eye, one that told her she was coming to steal the hearts of everyone around her. She supposed they could all use a little extra joy in the form of something small, considering.

She looked back up at Waverly who was clearly tying herself in knots to try and justify her sweet gesture, and it made her realize she’d been way too hard on her sister as of late. And maybe it was everything she’d just been through, or her broken heart, or the warmth of the holidays, but whatever it was, she found herself feeling apologetic for making her feel like she had to justify even the good things.

Sure, all she’d ever wanted was for her sister to own up to her messes, but she also wanted her to be happy. And it wasn’t lost on her how Waverly wanted the same for everyone else.

“C’mere,” she said, shifting the pup to one arm so she could wrap her other one around her sister. She held her close and hugged her tight, hoping to make up for the week of silence, and the tension prior to that, and everything that was unspoken between them. “Thank you,” she told her. “I love her already.”

Fiona pulled away to get a good look at her, and gave her a small smile. “This is really sweet of you.” She bent slightly, wincing some as she felt the pull of a couple of stitches before setting the puppy down on the floor.

“I think I’m too tired to feel any kind of way about that,” she admitted, lip quirking. “Although, so long as they don’t burn it down, and if Cece says it’s all right, I think we’ll be okay.”

She took Waverly’s hand and led her over to the couch, needing to sit in that moment, but also wanting to be with her sister, too. She slowly eased herself down onto the couch behind Eleanor and sighed as she caught her breath.

“Still sore,” Fiona told her, settling back against the couch. “But getting better. I took my meds this morning with Auggie’s help, so I should be good to go.” It’d been a week of trying to get her to eat enough food so the pain killers and antibiotics wouldn’t burn a hole through her stomach.

Even she was relieved she could do it by herself this morning.

“I don’t really want to think about the rest of it though... when I do it makes me cry and I...” she sighed, blinking up to keep her tears at bay. “I really don’t want to cry about it.” She sniffled looking to Waverly. “I do want to thank you for having my back though, especially when I know what you’ve been facing.”

[thesunlightout]

who knows where our limits lie? we won’t discover ‘til we push it…

By some miracle, the revolving door of people in the apartment doesn’t interrupt Fiona and Auggie’s quiet breakfast. It’s nice for it to be just the two of them for a little while, at least while she got acclimated to being a person again, and not just a lump in her bed.

She knew she was allowed after everything, but she still felt kind of shitty shutting everyone out.

As they ate and chatted about everything she’d missed during the last few days, she felt a little reminded of the days it’d be just the two of them back at their childhood home, or even when he’d come stay with her when she lived in her first tiny apartment in the city.

He told her about Waverly, and what had really been going on with her. From the nightmares, to the sedatives Charlie had put her under.

She guessed she understood, especially since she hadn’t been the one having to deal with her first hand, but she couldn’t hide the disdain for Charlie and his choice to once again keep Waverly in the dark from her own feelings.

Mostly because she was still of the firm belief that if she hadn’t been at any point in her life, she wouldn’t have had to go through everything she had.

Still, there was nothing she could do about that. He seemed to get a free pass usually.

He also told her about Jude hanging around the apartment with Waverly and Eleanor, and about how nice it’d been to have their friend back. How much he’d missed him. It reminded her of how close Auggie himself had been to him, too, always following Jude and Quincy like a shadow from the moment he’d met them.

He told her about the revolving door of family who’d come to see her and take care of her, and everyone who’d had her back.

She’d forever be grateful.

After breakfast, she’d kicked him out to go do something fun. He’d been hesitant, but she’d promised she’d be fine. That she just needed to shower and wash her hair after a week so she could feel like herself again.

“Before everyone comes back. You don’t have to watch me. Promise.”

He’d also made her promise to call if she needed anything at all, and to call Teddy if she couldn’t reach him before heading out to meet said girlfriend.

-

Getting a moment to herself in the bathroom, she took off her pajamas and took a moment to get a good look at herself in the mirror. It felt like forever since she’d gotten a chance to take herself in.

Her hair felt greasy. Andi and Cece had been alternating in giving her baths, to make sure she wouldn’t get sick, but she didn’t remember them washing her hair.

Her face was more pale than usual, donning dark circles and eye-bags accounting for the days of rest she didn’t get. There was a pimple on her cheek she hadn’t been aware off that started to itch the more she stared at it.

Her abdomen was still somewhat swollen, remnants of pregnancy left behind along with stray stretchmarks here and there. She still felt sore, but much less so than she had since having the baby.

She ran her hands over her body, feeling all the places where she didn’t feel like herself anymore, where she was still left to figure out what was left of her.

It stung a bit in her chest. But she realized she couldn’t linger, because the longer she did, the sooner she’d start to pick herself apart. So she climbed into the shower, letting the hot water soothe the physical and emotional aches and pains she was carrying in her body.

And then she cried. Again

-

The knock on her bedroom door followed by the shout of her niece startled her from where she stood, having just pulled on a long-sleeved tee shirt. She was grateful they’d chosen now to come in and not earlier, considering her shower had progressed with her hyperventilating for a bit.

Thankfully she was breathing a bit easier now.

“Just a minute, kiddo,” she called softly. She pulled down the towel from her hair and ran her fingers through it, before slipping on a pair of fuzzy socks onto her cold feet.

She made her way to the door and opened it, eyes widening at the sight of Eleanor standing at her feet. The mini version of Jude glanced up at her, wide grin on her face as she held a tiny black puppy in her hands.

“Surprise, Auntie Fi! It’s a puppy!”

“A puppy?” she asked, brows raised high. She poked her head out to the hallway, hoping to see any signs of Jude or Waverly behind her.

“Yeah! For you! Mama and I picked it out today!”

Waverly.

She should’ve known.

“For me, huh?” Fiona carefully squatted down to her level, taking in the sleepy pup in her tiny, chubby arms and she couldn’t help but smile. She didn’t know who was cuter.

“Yeah, you was sad so…” she shrugged before holding her out to her. Fiona’s heart squeezed. Apparently, her spiral hadn’t been lost on her, either. Reaching out, she grabbed the little puppy from her arms, and she squirmed some before settling.

Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to Eleanor’s forehead. “It’s sweet of you, El,” she told her. “Where is your mom?”

“Over there, c’mon!” she made a mad dash down the hallway, and it took Fiona a second to get back to her feet and follow her down the hallway.

She spotted her sister moving about. It’d been so long since she’d gotten a proper look at her. She missed her, too. “So, a puppy, huh?”