thestaterunmedia

[thestaterunmedia]

[thestaterunmedia]

10 years of karate down the drain! my dojo lost its accreditation :(

It was a typical, hot summer’s day in my dojo. We were practicing tornado kicks when Mr. Beige Suit walked in with his smug briefcase. He set it down on the table outside the office, clicked it open and took out a bright yellow piece of paper. He proceeded to hold the paper up to the office door and slam a staple through it.

The audacity! At this point, we all ran over to see what was going on. The sign read, “NOTICE: CLOSED BY ORDER OF THE HIGHER MARTIAL ARTS COMMISSION. DO NOT REMOVE.” Those 13 words wrecked my entire fucking world.

We then began to question Boring Khaki Pants: “Like why did you have to shut down our rad dojo, man?”

 He rolled his eyes and then told us some bullshit about being a breeding ground for disease with all these children always being here. He also said that the dojo didn’t have any files for the past five years, with an excess 10 grand missing from their financial statements. Accreditation boi had been here three years ago and gave Mr. Cho a chance to resolve these issues.

But back to me. I’ve been coming to this dojo to learn karate every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday since I was seven. With this devastating news, that’s 10 whole years down the drain!

I had hopes of one day starring in the reboot of The Karate Kid reboot, but now those dreams are gone. I’ll never get a job, accepted into college or find a girlfriend. Who would ever want a brown belt sempai?

Not getting my black belt isn’t even the worst part! Now that all my karate has been invalidated, no one will believe I can actually fight back! All the French kids on my block will call my mom a hamster and say my dad smells of elderberries. Not that I care about my dad anyway, seeing as he never came back from buying those cigarettes. 

The next day, wallowing in self pity, I saw the accreditor walking down 17th. I gotta admit I was pissed, so I followed him into an alley to beat him up. I said, “Hey buddy, where do you think you’re going?” He said, “My name is not Buddy. And it's not accredit boi either. That ship has sailed.” it sounded like he was going to go into a whole ass back story or something, but I didn't have time for him to unpack that, so I left.

Well, I guess I’ll start looking for jobs at McDonalds or something since my life has no purpose anymore. Hit me up if you’re a rich white lady who needs a pool boi or a stripper for your bachelorette party. I’m desperate.

[thestaterunmedia]

[thestaterunmedia]

State-Run Barricade of the Week: Brown Village

By Anna Bennett

Violent protests were sparked over a “land-hungry” roommate earlier this week. A TU student in Brown Village reportedly began constructing a barricade in an attempt to combat what he perceived as his roommate “encroaching” on disputed territory.

At press time, the roommate in question denied taking offensive action in the region, though he threatened to do so if the protesting student “kept bitching about it.”

“He’s already annexed the kitchen! I have to keep his greedy room-grabbing in check!” exclaimed the student from behind his home-made barricade, which he constructed out of board games, a boyfriend pillow, a detached door, some dirty laundry, several plants from the tri-beta sale, all the free TU shirts he’s ever received and Mr. Blankie, his childhood blanket.

“I’m prepared to fight to the death for my political and geographical sovereignty!” the student shouted, chucking a pencil cactus towards his roommate’s stronghold. The roommate dodged out of the way and rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath, “Not again.”

[thestaterunmedia]

Self-Aware Haiku No. 4

I am a haiku

In the State Run Media

Have a good summer

[thestaterunmedia]

Which kitchen appliance represents your sex life?

What’s your soundtrack while doing the nasty?

A. The hottest songs off the Top 40

B. Something weird and obscure, like shoegaze or trip-hop

C. R&B slow-jams

D. High-energy rock or bass-pounding electronica

E. Acoustic singer/songwriter

What puts you in the mood?

A. Dirty talk

B. Having some free time

C. Romantic gestures

D. Sexy dancing

E. Realizing you haven’t had sex in a while

How do you feel after a marathon sex session?

A. Too hot to handle!

B. Sticky…

C. Warm and fuzzy

D. Absolutely exhausted

E. Ready to get on with your day

What do you look for in a sexual partner?

A. Trustworthiness

B. A sense of “adventure”

C. Commitment

D. Rock hard abs

E. A similar schedule or lifestyle

How much time do you like to spend boning (or scissoring, or whatever)?

A. 20 to 30 minutes

B. Depends on the mood.

C. All night

D. 60 to 90 minutes

E. 5 to 10 minutes

You go slip into something more comfortable… what is it?

A. Birthday suit!

B. A kinky costume

C. Pajama pants

D. Revealing lingerie

E. Basic underwear

At the end of the day, why do you get down and dirty?

A. The Big O, of course

B. It’s the most fun you can have, with or without your clothes on

C. To feel closer to your partner

D. It burns calories and makes you feel accomplished

E. To get rid of tension and keep the relationship healthy

Mostly A’s: Toaster. Things get hot, hot, hot in the sack when you’re involved. You’re still trying to work out the timing; things can go from delightful to disastrous within moments. You’ve only mastered a few tricks, but you’ve got those down flawlessly, and aren’t afraid to add some cream cheese and jelly, if you know what I mean. Signature move: Face-to-Face.

Mostly B’s: Immersion Blender. When it comes to sex, anything goes. Anywhere, anytime, any style. You love to mix things up. You may be a little much for some people to handle, but with the right partner, anything is possible. Above all, you think sex should always be fun, although sometimes things can get a little messy! Signature Move: Anything involving new toys.

Mostly C’s: Crockpot. You’re a slow-cooker in bed. You’re adamantly against quickies, and don’t mind if an encounter takes up your whole afternoon. You’re slow to warm up to new partners, too, but it’s worth it. Signature Move: Missionary followed by spooning.

Mostly D’s: Juicer. You’re a high-energy health nut, and demand nothing but incredible endurance and admirable upper body strength from your sexual partners. You’re proud of your body, and very confident. Sex is just the ultimate workout for you, and it’s always full steam ahead. Signature Move: Anything that doesn’t involve sitting or lying down.

Mostly E’s: Keurig Coffee Maker. When it comes to your sex life, things stay tidy and single-serve. You’re good at taking care of your own needs, first and foremost. Having someone else there is just a bonus (if a little extra work). Things get hot, but are consistent and predictable. And clean up is always a breeze! Signature Move: Watching each other masturbate.

[thestaterunmedia]

TU seniors happy to answer questions

By Anna Bennett  Has it all figured out

As graduation looms weeks away, seniors all over campus report being “totally cool” and “not at all stressed out” by their parents, friends, relative, professors and total strangers inquiring as to their plans post-graduation.

“I think it’s totally reasonable for them to expect us to have the rest of our lives figured out,” claims Meg Phobos, a graduating English major, “I think four years of block classes, being active in the history club and experimenting with my sexuality have really prepared me to pick a career I want to have until I die.”

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to try to explain my upcoming research to anyone and everyone who wants to make casual conversation,” says Phyde, “And I’m really more than willing to set the record straight on the geography of Western Africa, since most everyone’s frame of reference is The Lion King and The Book of Mormon. I never get tired of explaining. Really.”

Even those who are less prepared for the future than Phobos and Phyde still don’t mind being reminded constantly that the seemingly endless undergrad utopia they’ve enjoyed is about to come crashing to an end.

“I personally find it to be a great source of motivation,” says Philosophy almost-graduate Anne Bivalence, referring to the constant barrage of questions from her close and extended family, “Being incessantly reminded of how I haven’t achieved the great things my loved ones expected of me keeps me moving forward, you know?”

Polly Deimos, a psych major who failed to be admitted to grad school this year, claims that the combination of May 10th’s nearness and the prospect of being unemployable have brought her to a state of Zen-like acceptance. “At first, the inevitable ‘What are you doing after you graduate?’ questions really irked me, and I’d feel like such a waste of an education when I had to reply that I didn’t know. Now when people ask, I just sort of feel… at one with the cosmic uncertainty of the universe.” Deimos went on to explain that every fresh inquiry from her parents’ friends really just “brought her peace” by reminding her that “in the end, nothing is certain, so you have to embrace it.”

Trey Pidation, a presidential scholar, reported feeling “nothing” after telling his scholarship donor at a recent luncheon that he would be moving back in with his parents after graduation “just to get my feet under me.”

“Sure, we went around the table and everyone else was heading to Portugal on a Fulbright or going to medical school or getting paid 6 figures at Conoco after graduation,” Pidation recalls, “But I’m sure my donor is as proud of my Film Studies degree as he is of everyone else’s achievements. You can’t really put a price tag on education. Being asked constantly what my plans are really helps me remember that.”

[thestaterunmedia]

Lost and Found: ancient University gospel uncovered

On the second day of the third month, when the flowers did bloom and squirrels did fornicate in the trees, there did come unto the University a Wanderer. 

From the west did he come, bearing in his right hand a dead squirrel, and in his left a shopping bag full of soiled laundry. 

He was a man of singular speech and odor, and in short time he had drawn the attention of Campus Security.

On the third day of the third month an officer of the Campus Security did halt the wanderer, and did ask of him his name and business. 

And the wanderer spaketh unto him ìI am known to men as B--- ---k--s (here the text is corroded) and I do what I want.î 

But the Wanderer was not afeared and did beat the officer about the head and groin with his dead squirrel, which, while not deadly nor harmful,  was super gross and did cause the officer much agitation. 

And in his rage did the officer attempt to apprehend the Wanderer, but the Wanderer was fleet of foot, likely on account of his prodigious use of amphetamines.

Some days later, the Wanderer did arrive at a fraternity party, and asked to be allowed in. 

And the doorman asked of the Wanderer, ìWho the hell are you bro?î 

And the Wanderer did tell him his name and asked again to be let in, but the doorman denied the Wanderer, saying ìNo way bro you smell like a sewer rat.î 

And the Wanderer did become much angered by this, because many of his good friends were rats. 

And so did the wanderer proceed to smite the doorman, or he totally would have, had the police not arrived to break up the party.

One day a teacher of the University did come unto the Wanderer and did ask of him his thoughts on life. 

And after verifying that the teacher was not a cop, the Wanderer did ask of the teacher, what he was drinking. 

And the teacher said unto him, ìIt is coffee, my beloved morning eye opener.î

And the Wanderer asked of him if it opened his third eye and the teacher said ìNay, it doth not,î or he would have if people still talked like that. 

The Wanderer said unto him, ìFear not, I shall make your awakening completeî while emptying the contents of a small bottle into the coffee. 

And when the teacher drank from the coffee his eyes were opened, and he saw the world as the prophet did. 

Unfortunately, the mind of the teacher was unprepared for the vision of the Wanderer, and he was found naked in his office, scrawling gibberish over his research.

Upon one afternoon the Wanderer was walking behind a dorm, when he did spy an open window. 

From the open window he did hear the sound of voices, and laughter, and music, and festivities. 

But the Wanderer knew that this was but a trick of the flesh. 

And in defiance against the flesh he did grab a squirrel and did heave it through the window, where now the voices became panicked and shrill, and the Wanderer decided to make a hasty withdrawal, as he knew that he had defeated the forces of evil.

There came a time when the University rallied its forces, and, reaching an agreement to drive the Wanderer from the campus, set out to find him. 

He was found sitting under a tree, totally minding his own business and not bothering anyone. 

But the injustices of this world are mighty, and the wanderer was beaten severely by many hands and feet, and he did feel that he had overstayed his welcome. 

The following morning, the University awoke to find the Wanderer absent, along with many score taxidermical devices, and a golf cart missing.

[thestaterunmedia]

More business solutions to poverty

Spend millions of dollars advertising that your company gives money to charity so that more businesses are pressured into also giving money to charity. 

Your grandfather made it by without taking any government handouts, and that’s because his company paid him a fair wage! So pay your employees the same wage your grandfather’s company paid him.

Add a few zeros to your CEO’s paycheck. It’ll trickle down eventually!

[thestaterunmedia]

The poverty solution to business

By Conor Fellin  Rich in Knowledge

Some businessmen may like to try to use business forces to “solve” poverty, but local businessman Harry Soren has recently developed a truly innovative initiative—exploiting poverty to bolster his own business.

“You probably think I mean exploiting a bunch of poor people,” Soren quipped, “but what I actually mean is exploiting the concept of poverty!”

Participants in Soren’s self-branded “poverty experience,” Poverty LLC, pay one-thousand dollars to spend a day touring a neighborhood poorer than the one they live in. During the tour, the group is accosted by an actor (called a “poverty specialist”) who tells them that he or she only needs a hundred dollars to find a job, go to college, and/or rescue his or her children from an evil pyromaniac with an eye tattoo on his ankle.

The poverty experience culminates with a dance company of chimney sweeps performing a rousing musical number about the poverty expert’s inevitable rise to the middle class thanks to the customers’ generous donations. The poverty guide then takes the customers back to their cars.

“You know what makes Poverty LLC different from other poverty experiences?” fawned regular customer and oil tycoon Jimmy Madison. “Class! The last time I tried going to another poverty experience, some cheap knock-off called Food Pantry, none of the poor people had the courtesy to tell me how individual charity does far more to help the poor than welfare ever could. It was so rude!”

“Customer satisfaction is our number one priority,” Soren reassured this reporter. “We train every one of our poverty specialists in poverty etiquette so that nothing gets in the way of our clientele enjoying their poverty experience.”

Soren went on to explain how new clients are given a questionnaire to determine what race, sex and age of poverty expert will most enhance their poverty experience.

For instance, 45% of clients fill in the sentence “______ deserve a second chance” with “people exactly like me.” In contrast, 33% of clients said that poverty experts of another race would make them “feel better about themselves when giving.”

When asked if Poverty LLC actually helped the community, Soren responded with an obviously rehearsed speech.

“In a world where it’s hard to tell if anything you do actually makes a difference, Poverty LLC provides people with a sense of efficacy,” Soren pontificated. “And in the end, that sort of soul-affirming confirmation of one’s own goodness is what the community truly needs. Right?”

[thestaterunmedia]

Drillers stadium fights for man-card

By Frazer Kastner  Manly Activist

Stadium owner Earl Doggins expressed shock and outrage last Wednesday when he was informed that Driller Stadium was endorsed by PETA for its vegetarian options and relatively animal-product-free facility. 

“I was speechless when I found out that those crazies somehow support me and my business,” said Doggins. “I mean, where did I go wrong? I eat meat daily, sometimes exclusively.”

People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, a fringe organization which fights for the equal treatment of animals, has come out in praise of Driller Stadium for its vegetarian-friendly vendors.

“We’re very pleased to see Brother Doggins adopting the vegan lifestyle. It is so rare to see business and sport types show a humane side,” said Smokey Rainwater, Tulsa’s ranking PETA member.

Doggins, who regularly eats steak and owns stock in Tyson Chicken, Sysco Corp. and ConAgra Foods, has decided on a drastic plan to restore the baseball stadium to what he sees as its rightful place.

“I’ve been reading up on Incan Civilization, see,” said Doggins. 

“Before their games, they sacrificed to the gods. By killing a llama. Publicly. In the middle of the field.”

And so, to restore balance and dignity to the world of minor league sports, Doggins has decided that each Drillers game will begin with a public animal sacrifice.

“My spiritual advisor, Achka Llamam Kapuwan, has outfitted me with everything I will need to ensure a successful season for the Drillers, the disapproval of vegans and a plentiful potato harvest,” said Doggins, wearing the traditional garb of an Incan Priest, as well as a pair of thigh-high rubber boots and holding a large jade knife. When this reporter asked Doggins why the boots were necessary, he responded that the Inca sacrifice ritual was “pretty messy.”

When asked about the graphic nature of animal sacrifice, Doggins was dismissive. “Listen”, he said, “we’ve been doing practice runs for the past couple of weeks, and the worst possible thing that could happen is that the animal gets loose and runs around. But they bleed out pretty quickly after that.”

After the animal is publicly killed as part of a warding ritual to protect against PETA, the body will be put to use. The leather will be used to make homemade baseball gloves, the wool made into sweaters to be sold at the gift store, and the meat made into llama burgers and llama-dogs. Everything else will be made into dog food.

Local environmental consultant Richard Walker described the plan as “tasteless, morally reprehensible and unnecessary.” He did, however, add that it was “probably more sustainable than the current setup.”

[thestaterunmedia]

Study reveals trends in TU’s anon. media usage

By Anna Bennett  Hottest Girl on Campus

Roughly 90% of posts on all anonymous pages are written while the Facebook user was inebriated or at least a little contact drunk.

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30% of TU Confessions posts are actually ripped off from 80’s power ballad lyrics.

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50% of the posts in TU Missed Connections were created by one user, and though the poster’s identity is still unknown, experts think it’s probably a really, really horny Freshman with lots of spare time.

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The admin of TU Missed Connections is none other than the Collegian’s own J.Christopher Proctor.

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1 out of 4 Compliments are actually written sarcastically.

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TU students post on Confessions an average of .78 posts per week, but since 20% of students generate 80% of the posts, this number is not necessarily an accurate representation.

[thestaterunmedia]

Passive voice found by writer

By Will Boogert  Things are written by him

As an English major, a job as a writer was always a career that was wanted by me. However, I was also dominated by fear that it would be difficult for a job to be found by me after graduation. 

Unlike the engineering and science students who are matriculated in droves by the university every year, I was not entreated upon by huge corporations for internships or summer positions.

Blame is not cast by me onto those syntactical Luddites who have been convinced by prescriptionists like Strunk and White that the passive voice should never be used by anyone. But the opinion is held by me that our generation should be exposed to a new way of writing that is not held back by any outdated notions of grammatical “correctness”.

Since that step was taken by me, my papers have been greeted with so much more attention by my professors; none of my papers has been given anything higher than a D. This is certainly caused by the fact that my revolutionary style is perceived by them to be unwieldy and cumbersome, when in fact the glorious future of literature is being heralded by me. They are pitied by me.

After this article was submitted, the writer was fired by us.

[thestaterunmedia]

TU Ten ways to reuse the collegian

By Anna Bennett  Staff Writer

We’re sure you read the paper cover to cover every week, from Sports to State Run. But assuming you’re not saving every issue you get your hands on for posterity (or if you just happen across an extra copy or two), then the question arises of what to do with the paper once it’s been read and enjoyed. Here are a few suggestions of ways to keep print journalism relevant, even after reading.

2. Home Improvement. Level tables, seal gaps and hide messes, all with the power of award-winning college journalism.

3. Use a copy in the bedroom for some light spanking. Because accuracy is sexy. 

4. Get crafty. Informative and student-minded decoupage is very in these days.

5. Protect fragile items when moving. That way, when you unpack your boxes back in your parents’ basement, you can cry over the crumpled memories of the bygone utopia of your undergrad days, while being reminded that at least the parking and the food is better where you are now.

6. Clever disguise. Simply hide behind the OCMA’s Best Cover Design of 2013 while eavesdropping, stalking or carrying out a private investigation. Everyone reads the Collegian as they walk; you’ll blend right in.

7. Volume creator. Fill bags marked with a “$” with crumpled Collegian issues and display prominently in your apartment, so as to impress all the ladies with your wealth (of knowledge about current events that are relevant to you).

8. Inspiration. Need a monologue to perform for a class or audition? Why not Nikki Hager’s OCMA award-winning expose on TU’s Equal Opportunity policy? Looking for some material to adapt into a short story? Why not Morgan Krueger’s recent OCMA award-winning opinion on students in the Aloft?

9. Fine art for your apartment. Cut out and frame the award-winning photography of Will Bramlett and David Kennedy, or decorate with a little more whimsy with Anna Bennett’s 2nd-place winning graphic material.

10. Baking. Use the pages of the Collegian as to cool fresh baked cookies for just a hint of extra-relevant flavor. Avoid the State Run and the TU Ten, unless you want your cookies to end up bitter.

BONUS! Give yourself a newspaper manicure (look it up on Pinterest) using your favorite words from the State-Run Media, like “tittie,” “whore feet,” “Danger,” “nipples” and “taxidermy.”

[thestaterunmedia]

Student Association Update

By Anna Bennett  Roger's Hall Correspondent

President Katie Lepine announced Friday that she was “thrilled” that 21 students enrolled in the university-run health insurance program, aka Lepinecare, exceeding her goal of 20 new enrollees.

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Current Vice President and SA presidential candidate Brett Baumgartner revealed on Thursday during a TUTV interview that he takes his skin care very seriously. He says the secret to his “glowing skin” is a regimen of Yes! to Carrots exfoliating wash plus an SPF moisturizer from Olay.

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Baumgartner’s controversial running mate, Rob Egan, is meanwhile getting serious about budget policy in the Senate. “I’m sick of these government hand-outs,” said Egan at a recent meeting, “If we want to balance the budget, we have to stop throwing money at every student organization with a sob story.” But these cuts would not only affect those clubs who abuse SA funding, but also those who rely on it to host bake sales and movie nights.

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Out on the campaign trail, presidential candidate and experienced statesman Michael Mancini has gained popularity on campus. “He can really rock a pantsuit!” said ardent supporter Kate Greene, who sports a “Ready for Mancini” t-shirt. Others question his electability as a candidate. “You really can’t deny his impressive credentials,” conceded Political Science major Harry Lang, “but I’m not sure the campus is ready to elect a president with an Italian-sounding last name. Someday, though…”

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Last week, the judicial branch of SA lifted all contribution limits on political campaigns. This has led to widespread fear that Presidential Scholars, with their unlimited access to Dining Dollars, will be able to sway elections, and therefore put candidates in office who will further their own interests, like building an Urban Outfitters on campus that accepts Dining Dollars. “Trickle-down economics is a lie,” bemoaned Freshman Paul Kellogg, “Do I ever see a penny of these scholar’s so-called investments?!” Kellog was clearly upset that he did not have a prezzie friend to buy him lattes.

[thestaterunmedia]

An Open Letter to Danny Manning

Matt Magerkurth, class of 2017.  Has Attachment Issues

Dear Coach Manning,

You cannot grasp in your massive, powerful mind how sorry I am for last week. I realize now that I may have taken things too far in my list of love songs, and that made you uncomfortable. But I think that you should have communicated that rather than cut and run. I guess I’m just confused. One week, everything’s fine, and the next, you pick up and leave. I’m really sorry I went too fast for you, but I still think we could have talked to out. When I composed my version of Danny Boy, I thought you’d love my new verses, but I guess I came on too strong. But, nevermind, I guess. I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you, but don’t forget me. I remember what you said. Sometimes a lesson’s learned, but sometimes, it hurts instead.

Good luck at Wake Forest.

[thestaterunmedia]

VOTE 4 BUZZ: “Danger” does good

By Fraser Kastner  Political Correspondent

After being found unconscious in a pile of empty pie tins, Buzz “Danger” Wilkins was ushered out of the BAMA Pie factory and onto 11th and Delaware, from which he wandered aimlessly, as he is wont to do. 

After he somehow found himself sitting in on an SA election meeting, Wilkins decided to throw his own hat into the ring for SA President. 

He is running independently, and if elected hopes to improve students’ access to taxidermy classes, to encourage education on a variety of fringe political theories and to promote worship of Petrolio, a god of unknown origin who seems to govern crude oil.