thestarbucksqueen

[thestarbucksqueen]

What a change 5 months can make

My last post was about me turning 24, which tbh really didn’t get off to a good start. I was approached about 2 weeks after my birthday and told by my own mother that I was the sole reason her marriage was falling apart and that I needed to be out by a specific deadline. Did it hurt my feelings? yes it did, but unfortunately the work continues turning. The dead line came and went and I’m not stayed away from where I was and in a city filled with people and for the most part alone.

Thankfully I have a friend who has wanted to live with me for a few years now and the feeling from me was completely mutual. So I took the huge step and moved away. Away from all my friends and my chosen family, transferred jobs and locations and just like that I was gone.

But now I sit here and think of what Lana said on NFR about no matter where we go, we have to take ourselves and our negative thoughts with us. This move has been a huge change for me and I thought it would be easy but it’s actually extremely hard. I sit here realizing that Lana was 100% right to say that, I thought this change would make me so happy and it would be like a whole new sunny day and everything would be perfect.

But now I’m coming to the realization that this change might be way to much for me to handle. So far I’m still doing it but at what expense? It feels almost like I’m annoying my friend to a degree that he can’t even stand it and that I’m letting him down as a friend. I always tell myself I’m one tough bitch or I’m gods toughest warrior but am I? Why do I sit in my head and think so negatively and just ruin my own happiness.

In summary 24 isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I can also reassure you that 25 is not funnier than 24

[thestarbucksqueen]

Well 24 has come and it’s not fun

(May be triggering)

Ya girl is sad. I really don’t wanna be here anymore, and I don’t know how to process that. I have friends who all care so much about me and I don’t want to leave them with that heart ache but it’s just too much. If I could trade places with anyone who’s died I would. If I could tell the time keeper to clip my cord I’d say please do it.

How does one go through the trials and tribulations of life and not go crazy. Ending it now would mean years of heartache for not only my friends but also my family. I’m still here because of them but what happens when it becomes too much and I’m actually gone. There just doesn’t feel to be a need for me anymore.

I’m the walking empath who everyone relieves their stress and issues onto, the one who can’t for one second figure out his own problems before figuring out everyone else’s. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, gone with no trace and no contact to anyone I know. Vanished from the face of the earth with no worries or issues constantly bothering me. I wish I could wither away until my body gives up and I’m finally done for.

I’m tired of using “I’m just tired” as an excuse when what I want to say is “I want to crawl into a hole and die” but of course I can’t outwardly present any issues because I’m an empath so I don’t want anyone to console me. This whole life this isn’t easy and it never will be.

Im supposed to be living life for the child I was but instead I’m living it as the slave I am, barely crawling through the hardships of life as they all fall to my feet. I was supposed to find my Prince Charming and have a happy little family in my little suburban town I grew up in but all that has changed. I’m now stuck in Colorado under a roof where I don’t feel safe or cared about with no means of relocating because I have no money.

Christmas right around the corner and only friend and family to give gifts too. No Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet for a holiday date or any holiday affection simply just a single bitch spending the holidays sad yet again.

[thestarbucksqueen]

Just my thoughts

(May be Triggering to some)

Am I even wanted here anymore? Like I’ve told my mom and step dad that I want to end me like two months ago and they haven’t made any steps to try and help me. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m 23 and should be able to be an adult and get myself help but it’s hard. Sometimes I don’t notice the things I do or say and I don’t see myself from that outside perspective.

If I’m not wanted here then what’s the point in being here. Who here on this planet wants to spend the rest of their lives with me? I don’t see anyone stepping to the plate now or anytime soon. I’ve seen this post about how everyone around my age are all “depressed” because of how we have adapted the dating world. From one stand point I do totally understand but from another standpoint our parents don’t get it what so ever. They all grew up during the time when you didn’t really openly talk about intimacy and it was still very personal. This alone creates more of a bond with another person.

We as a society have been more open about intimacy since I’d say the 80’s which rock on but we have also lost the value in a relationship since then as well. As a gay man I want to find that person and get to know them and date and have that type of life. Not saying I’m the only one but everyone around me just looks at me like I’m a piece of meat. There’s no genuine connection with anyone anymore, and you make your objective clear in what you want and it’s either ignored or it’s too much.

The hardest part about it for me is I see everyone out and about holding hands with their significant others and I’m alone. I’ve been in a long term relationship but when your ex boyfriend never wanted to show one single ounce of PDA in that whole two years it makes you feel guilty. I always felt so small and like I was gross and the issue. I couldn’t even hold his hand in public and that alone made me feel less than. I just see it now and I feel so pathetic because I’ve never gotten that type of happiness.

Maybe I’m just not wanted here anymore, I’ll start to wither away soon and I know it.

[thestarbucksqueen]

Faces

Ive read multiple times that our we have the face of the person we loved most in our past lives. And whoever gets my face in the next life I’m sorry, because with this face comes a lot of sadness, anger, disparity. If you can find a way to change that then please do, but this is your formal warning.

Not to say that there’s someone who loves/adores me enough to receive my face in the next life. But tbh nobody really does, just another face in a crowd of people that gets overlooked. A frail face attached to a frail body, faking as much confidence as humanly possible. Let’s be real who wants that? Who wants someone who’s so sick and actively hurting themselves with no care in the world. Someone who doesn’t eat for days on end because they want to “look their best” when deep down they know they have an ED.

It’s not attractive to be me, it’s not fun to be me. I cant even converse with a man and not have their girlfriends immediately on defense as if I’m gonna take them away. Always looked at as a monster, a creature, an alien. Never just looked at like a person, the same way I see everyone else. Nobody has mutual love for anyone anymore it’s just hatred. Nobody gives anyone on chance anymore.

Then when you do have people that care about you they just wanna use you, or not understand you and your thoughts. It’s always “Your an amazing person and I always want you in my life but I’m sorry I just don’t want to lead you on” when from the start you were only looking for companionship not a relationship. Do I just repel people? Am I a black whole sucking everything good into non existence? What did I do and what Karma did my face give me from my past life to make me feel so terrible about myself.

[thestarbucksqueen]

Hello back again with another sad rant (May be triggering)

It’s obviously the beginning of Pride month and as happy as that makes me, it also drowns me in sorrow. Not only for the lives lost and cherished by so many, but also for my own thoughts and wants of not being here anymore. Like why do I think like this when there’s so many who have lost theirs and I wanna give up mine. It’s just not okay and it’s not fair. If I have these negative thoughts and feelings why were so many amazing vital lives taken? I know I’m only 23 but like come on, what magnificent thing am I possibly gonna do with my life? Why am I still here? Like dear god if my mom read this or any of my friends I’d be sent to an institution on the spot and it’s sad that I know that. But deep down I feel like nobody cares. I know they do but it truly feels like I’m forgotten or I’m being forgotten. Almost like I’m a toy that a little kid doesn’t wanna play with anymore, useless and unpleasant.

It’s really interesting how relationships can bend and bend and bend, and all you can think about is how to hold it up straight and keep it together. The mind of a people pleaser is so toxic and you can only thank your upbringing for it. Fixing every little detail of every persons life that you’ve meet because you feel that it’s your duty to this world and that person, wether you’ve just meet them or known them your whole life. But the biggest issue is you need to fix your own life and solve your own problems but you don’t know how. Meanwhile you can solve everyone else’s?

You think the start of solving your problems is beginning a new relationship or countless days of retail therapy but do they really help you? Are they just mechanisms to deal with pain and guilt? Or is not being here anymore the final answer? But how does that effect everyone else, how does that change the future for everyone else? What does it do for me in the end? It’s not gonna solve my problems it’s just gonna end them and cause pain and guilt for other people and of course as a people pleaser I wouldn’t want anyone to deal with that. But they make me deal with being alone and left out and not included. I could open my mouth and just say something but god forbid it comes out wrong and I’m immediately painted as the villain for voicing issues bothering me.

Maybe there’s just not a solution, maybe life is just meant to be lived miserably? With little moments of joy sprinkled here and there to give you a little hope and keep you hooked on for the long run for it to be temporary. Maybe we aren’t meant to actually be happy or maybe I’m just crazy but like WHAT IS LIFE? What is it, who’s supposed to be in it, and how do I navigate it? How am I supposed to know that I can trust someone instead of getting lead on or thrown away? So many questions that will go unanswered for a really long time.

[thestarbucksqueen]

*Trigger warning just in case

Last night at work I was the closing manager and I was talking with one of my associates and just recollecting memories that I have as a 23 year old! I was looking for a photo and whilst looking through different text feeds and photo rolls and everything I came across a few photos that really dug deep into my memories.

If you’ve read my depressing ass feed you would know that I was in a two year long relationship. This relationship being my very first and also my first long term relationship, very high highs and extremely low lows. But I came across multiple photos of my ex that I was absolutely not expecting to see and I thought I had removed all traces of him from my phone and life. A few slipped through the cracks I guess.

But my first thought was “how am I forgetting these memories” like idk how to even feel about it. I was the one that made the decision to leave even after the mutual decision was made to end the relationship, and now I sit here just dealing with all these emotions and memories that have been brought to the forefront again. His tinder profile, dying his hair, the photos he took of me during golden hour, like how am I just supposed to forget all this, there like invisible scars that nobody can see or feel but me and idk how to get rid of them because as much as I cherish them they make me feel so disgusting and sad.

Is this what it feels like when someone dies? Like is this what it feels like to have the memories just come rushing back into you. Does every relationship loss have to feel like a whole new death. Do I need to know if he’s actually still alive or not? I left because I loved him and I needed to let him go, I wasn’t helping him anymore I was just hurting him and he couldn’t see that but I could. I left and tore a piece of me off and left it in that apartment and that open wound that I have gets filled with nothing if not temporarily happiness wether it’s a new love interest or friends. But the second I’m alone that little piece is empty again and it’s starting to not fill with the memories of my relationship like it used too.

I know that’s a huge sign of personal growth but it really scares me, will I forget about him? Will I forget about all the beautiful days we had spent together? Will I forget about the amazing things he did for me? Will I only remember the bad things about my relationship? Is Oreo (his dog) doing okay? All questions I ask myself everyday that drive me absolutely crazy. And to think all this because of three pictures, THREE FUCKING PICTURES. why me, why today, why now, what’s the universe doing to me.

[thestarbucksqueen]

*This post may be a bit triggering to some

I have so much self hatred and so much old trauma from being told that I’m fat by my own mom. She loves me and I love her but now she skinny shames me. For a brief flashback history in middle and high school I was a bit chubby as a lot of preteens and teens are until they fully grow. In elementary my mom got into fitness and on a health kick which is great until you hit middle and high school. I was forced to join cross county in hopes it would be a “sport you like” to which it very much was not because I hate running long distance. I started to understand who I was as a gay boy and telling my friends in 7th grade and really exploring my performance side with choir and theater (choir was the one to stick). But with that came “why don’t you come to the gym with me?” And “your starting to look a little pudgy” of course as a middle schooler that made me feel really disgusting and I would just go to the gym with her but was always so uncomfortable. These comments continued and got a little worse by the time we moved and I was in my last three years of high school sadly. By the time I was graduating high school I was about 235-245lbs and I didn’t look it but I’m also 5ft 11. I didn’t go to college and I was a receptionist through March of 2019. At the begging of 2019 I made a deal with a friend to start intermittent fasting and working out. The working out worked the fasting was not so easy in the begging. I started a job in fashion retail in May of 2019 and I loved the atmosphere so much! By the time I was starting this job I weighed about 190lbs so I had lost about 30 pounds in like 3 months or so! But then I started to really be able to fast with the hours I was working and I went from fasting for 16 hours to fasting for 20 hours. Coffee, nicotine, and marijuana being the three biggest things in my diet. With this being the case in a matter of 3 months I weighed 140lbs. I hadn’t seen friends in a hot minute do to the hours I was working and also going to school on top of that (which was a lost cause). When I finally hung out with one of them the first thing she said to me was “Wtf happened to my friend?!, your like a skinny little twig now?” Of course I knew what she meant was all love and no malice but it is still the most shocking reaction I got from anyone. I was really thin. Covid happened and so did my relationship so I gained some weight and my moms comments started to come up again which would affect my mental health and relationship which ended. I moved home and slowly lost weight as I tried to find confidence in myself, got a job at another retailer and my old habits have kicked into high gear. I’ve been working here for 7 months and I started at like 170 and now I’m pushing 148. I don’t eat to punish myself on bad days which is absolutely terrible, my nic addiction started again and coffee and redbull courses through my veins. I know I need help but Im the person that’s supposed to be strong and not need help but like idk wtf to do because I want to live up to this like perfect standard not only in a beauty sense but also in my moms sense. I know it’s my life but all these comments haunt me.

[thestarbucksqueen]

Can someone just explain to me how long I have to wait to be genuinely happy with my life? I know that life is “what we make it” but I truly feel that I’m gonna have to wait forever for myself to have an actual genuine feeling of happiness in my life. I think about dying everyday and it’s getting to the point where I’m just hoping my vape will finally make my heart give out or cause me to just collapse where I’m standing and just pass on. I try my hardest to give people my 110% in everything but then I can see and feel them just giving me nothing in return. From guys they just want a body to use and touch and then be done with when they either get their way or don’t, then you have friends who are all amazing but it feels that you are the sole friend in a group of 5 that’s just not wanted. Never invited, always making the first step/move to hangout, always the “negative” friend who’s never happy and constantly asked “are you okay” because of something I said. Then you have the home you live in with your family that doesn’t want you anymore, constantly fat or skinny shamed by your mom and berated by your step dad because your “too gay, annoying, bubbly, not straight enough”. What hurts the worst is your mom telling you that you need to move out for the mental health of yourself but deep down you know it’s not about you but it’s about your step dad. I just feel like I’m in this constant loop that’s never ending, wanting to just jump to safety but knowing that there is absolutely no safety anywhere. Having to put up the façade that you are fine and happy and content with yourself and your life when in all reality you aren’t and you just really want to jump from a bridge or plummet from the sky until you hit the ground and become nothing. I feel like if I died tomorrow the world would keep spinning and nobody would even think about me, I know that’s not true but after being/feeling alone for so long you start to believe it. I know I should probably see a therapist but idk what that’s really gonna do for me aside from make me more sad. Thanks for listening whoever you are

[thestarbucksqueen]

So I’ve been spending a lot of time alone, and it’s been nice but also really hard. Last night I was tidying up my room and I turned on some Billie Holiday, I absolutely love and adore music from so many decades and she just so happened to pop into my head last night. The vibes from the 40’s and 50’s started to rush in and I absolutely was loving it. I decided to put on some perfume and that was when everything had set in, I felt like a little housewife and I was loving it. For background in the last 8 months of my relationship I was a stay at home boyfriend and after the first 2 months the joy of doing that vanished. There was something about “getting into character” and doing it all for myself that felt so good, it’s hard to explain but it was a small moment of loving myself I guess. I guess all I’m saying is that maybe I’m starting to break through the cracks into the person I’m meant to be post my relationship.

[thestarbucksqueen]

Well let’s get a little sad again lol. In the last week I’ve been listening to a ton of music and thank god so much has come out in the last three months. But I also have discovered the sad side of music and it has not been affecting me the best. I guess I’m still so freshly single that every song has lyrics that in my head create a scenario, that scenario usually ends up makings me cry. Maybe I just lust for the attention and physical touch of men which makes these scenes pop up in my head of exactly how I want things to go for me and my new experiences. I want to be wanted and feel wanted again but I have to put my feelings first this time which means I need to want and be okay wanting from someone. Tbh it’s almost to the point that I can’t watch or listen to anything because I plant shit in my head lol. I know that there’s one way to truly heal it and that’s to just stay single and be alone and that’s really fucking hard. I’m very happy to know that in being single I don’t have to worry about the “mistakes” my peers are making, I won’t get married and experience a possible divorce in my 20’s. And absolutely no shade to anyone that’s happened too but the heartbreak that goes into that is far more intense and I don’t really wanna feel that for awhile. I’d rather be in a long committed relationship without being married simply because I don’t fully trust anyone anymore. That’s really sad to think but it’s the truth and nothing can change that.

[thestarbucksqueen]

It’s been a long ass time since I’ve posted on here. I last talked about being lonely and wanting to find my first relationship, how lonely I was being alone by myself with my thoughts. Now I’m on here a month post break up from my first relationship which lasted 2 years. I thought I felt alone back then but going from sleeping with someone in your bed, to sleeping completely alone in a matter of days is hard. A lovely TikTok today expressed exactly how I’m feeling, which is holding the emotional trauma of my old relationship and breakup while not being able to comfortably say “ex boyfriend”. This really set me back for a minute because it’s exactly true and I haven’t fully realized it till today. I’ve also had to come to terms with the idea that I may be alone for awhile. People my age just want pleasure and don’t want connection. I guess you could say I’m an old soul but I’ve always wanted the genuine connection people talk about and movies portray. Not that movies are real in any way shape or form but it’s what my childhood examples are. I want a man who doesn’t care to be seen with me in public, who doesn’t care about tasteful PDA. I spent two years in a relationship that I thought was that but it really wasn’t. Where are the men that care? The ones who grab you and pull you in by the small of your back? The ones who are genuinely romantic and want to be romantic by their own choice? Where are the men who actually care about the feelings of their peers and don’t look at others as “prey”? I can’t even dress for myself at this point because if I do, I’m immediately a sex toy and an object to be used and thrown away like some condom. If you made it this far I’m sorry about how long of a post this probably is but I don’t feel like I can truly express my feelings anywhere else. Thank you for listening.

[thestarbucksqueen]

THE WRITING IN THIS SHOW!!!!!

[thestarbucksqueen]

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[thestarbucksqueen]

You’re going to hear a little pawp

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[thestarbucksqueen]