thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

I just . I couldn't say it back.

It's probably because i'm insecure. And i'm literally just WAITING for all of my insecurities and worst nighmares to come true. I'm just waiting to find out it was all a lie and he didn't mean a single thing. I'm just waiting.

and everytime something happens I think it's a sign

Oh, I just don't MEAN enough to you. Even though you were the first person to say "I love you" it didn't mean anything. I knew that too. I knew it. There's no way shit can develop that quickly. It just isn't real. I mean I guess it is cos I feel that way but HAHAH like nah i'm the only idiot tbh. 

Look I mena i'm just a dumb bitch and i'm tired for feeling stupid all the time. I'm tired of having to justify you. No , actually it's not even you it's ME. I'm the fucking problem. I'm the pathetic piece of shit that has feelings it's honestly disgusting.

I'm disgusted with myself

I'm disgusted with feeling insecure all the time

of being jealous? Like fuck i've NEVER FELT TAHT WAY BEFORE and i never wanted to either. I hate it iI hate jealous people I think they're fucking annoying and crazy. I don't ever want to be annoying or crazy. I just I can't handle myself anymore. 

that isn't OKAY

because it isn't justified.

We're not anything. So I need to stop pretending. I need to stop teling yself "aw like he's just afraid". no. cos people who actually love someone are too stupid to be afraid. 

I'm just pathetic and desperate enough to want to see you again. To the point where my parents that hate you are willing to pay a plane ticket cos i've been literally a mopey zombie for the past 4 months.

like

gusy

I'm so properly pathetic.

Becuase let's all be real. If it was reciprocated, I wouldn't be the only one trying. The point is i'm the only one who ACTUALLY wants to see you again. I'm the only one who actually tried to save up enough money to see you again. In fact, you make literally 5 x more than I do. 

5x more.

You have the means, if you *really* wanted ot. Or at the very least the same amount as me. You'd be here by now. Or at least you'd have your plane ticket. 

but you dont

you'd rather get shitfaced everyday.

Jesus christ like

FUCK

You're so not what i'd ever consider. At all. I had standards? 

and not only that but you're a total ass. Like fuck man. I know you're "joking" but what is WRONG WITH ME.

I have to stop 

I have to stop talking to you

I have to stop thinking about everything. Becuse it didn't mean anything. It won't happen again and i' clearly the only idiot who developed anything. 

I'm just so done. I'm not even mad at you. I'm just so unbearably angry with myself. 

god i want to sob but i'm too angry i'm too dead i'm too dissapointed with myself i'm too numb. 

I hate it when you try to be cute. I hate it when you say I love you at the end of conversations. I hate it because I know it's not true. I know it's too good to be true. There's no way you know this much about me and have feelings. Because that' just isn't possible. People dont' like girls like me. I'm too depressed and I "think too much". I "read too much". You're playing me. Because no guy in their right mind would want to have feelings for someone like me. 

So just stop. just stop.

please.

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

I suppose it's safe to assume that i'm the poison.

I wish that wasn't so accurate. 

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him 

i reallyr eally do 

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

all these fucking feels 

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

i miss him so much

I just

sometimes I just ache

and I know

how stupid

that sounds

but

I just

I really miss him

I miss his awful jokes

and how he just used to hum random songs

and how he'd just pounce on me and say nice things

I miss having someone to just

haha

sleep on

and

tell my secrets to

and cry on

and

smoke with

but

that clearly didn't mean much to him

and

I think that's why I feel so broken

because he broke me

he broke cold ice cautious me

and he got me to love

and

it was all for nothing

I think.

and the worst part of it all

is that I can't stop

from daydreaming about berlin

I just want berlin so bad

I want to roadtrip in europe with him

and buy a shitty ass car

and rent an apartnment in paris

and just live there

and read poetry

and listen to records

and drink cheap wine and smoke off the balcony and just

god

I don't know

be happy

but

I know that can't happen

and

what I experienced

can't be

redone

we'll be so different

in 1.5 years

honestly

god knows what i'll be like then

maybe he'll have a gf

or who knows

it's so useless for me to daydream about it

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

omg

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

120mm_scan_14 by Carl W. Heindl on Flickr.

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

© heryte t. 

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

Toko Shinoda - Brief Note (1990)

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]

[thescatteredflashesofdelig-blog1]