thesadstressedengineer

[thesadstressedengineer]

listing out why i’m insecure in this relationship

the fact that this list is long makes me really sad.

1. every time i say something bothering me, i’m “trying to pick a fight”

2. you call my suicidal tendencies “throwing a tantrum” and tell me to “chill out” when i’m literally having a depressive episode

3. when i’m really upset, you take the time out of our way to literally be mean to me to break me a little bit more. remember when i FaceTimed you and you literally hung up on me to prove a point?

4. you did the one thing you KNEW was off limits (turning off your phone) and didn’t even give a shit what happened to me. you even agreed that i could ghost you if you did that again. i had to call my roommate and tell her where i was and my friend from across the country had to calm me down when you made me hysterical. 

5. in general, i feel like i value our one-on-one time so much more than you do. i have to control what i say about your plans and hide how i truly feel in fear you’ll say that i’m being difficult

6. not to mention the fact that you literally forget to tell me things. remember when you said you'd be back in ten minutes and you came back after an hour because you went to get food? the FIRST thought that would be in my head would be to update you with if i’m running late. i don’t know why it’s not the first thought for you.

7. i always find it my first priority to spend as much time with you. you always bring up this argument that you “didn’t agree with me” to come back by a certain time, so “you’re right” to make plans. i don’t know why i default try to get back as early as possible when you use this as an argument.

8. i make a big deal out of “going on dates” and you’ve literally taken phone calls for a while with your friends while i’m hoping to get that time with you. i would never go for an extended call like that.

9. i have to make it a problem when you hang out with someone twice in the same day when it’s the weekend, and THEN only you realize that it’s kinda screwed up (i’m talking about the day you hung out with jacob then matt.) i don’t get why i have this feeling and you don’t.

10. i have never seen you care at all to resolve something for me too. the latest example - me being insecure about your lack of communication. you HAVE a communication problem then you also tell me i can’t expect you to be perfect. i told you it gives me anxiety. i’m just magically supposed to be ok with that?

11. you have seen me drink, self-harm, attempt suicide and you’ll still do the things that make me spiral downward

12. when i slip up and snap at you even when i apologize right after and own up to what i did, you give me the cold shoulder

13. i had to beg you to apply for a job somewhere near here, and even before you lied to me about fresno (i know this is old stuff but it comes back when i start to feel insecure). it would devastate me and you were so okay with it, i get that you were going to come back here eventually but i don’t understand how you just didn’t apply to anything when you knew what it was doing to me

14. you don’t take my mental health seriously at all

15. you talk down to me like im a child when i don’t agree with you, it makes me feel like you don’t respect me or see me as immature, so you already hear anything i say with a bias and judge me based off that instead of seeing me as an equal who might just have regular feelings like other human beings

it’s not in my head that i constantly have to prove myself or prove my feelings to you. that’s how i LITERALLY feel. i have to watch my mouth around you and not say what i feel in fear you’ll just say im being dramatic or not chill. it’s really, really frustrating that you’ve made it out like i have this reputation and i’m tired of it.

[thesadstressedengineer]

tell yourself

tell yourself you’re doing everything right when you trigger your girlfriend to drink, self-harm, and sabotage her own life. and you don’t even care. 

[thesadstressedengineer]

worthless

i had these thoughts going through my mind forever even when things seemed good, why i couldn’t feel like i could be myself. i always felt like any action i took would be misinterpreted the wrong way, and most of the times i was right.

anytime something is bothering me, im picking a fight.

i asked to share locations because of security, im controlling.

i feel suicidal but i’m throwing a tantrum.

you get late and don’t respect my time, but i’m overreacting. 

you hear me crying, know EXACTLY what’s going to push me over the edge and turn off your phone, but i’m crazy.

what trust? what security? when this is how you label me? i sacrifice anything and everything. hell, you had MY credit card in your phone and used it to your benefit, but having someone’s location because YOU had a communication problem is controlling? i crossed my own boundaries for YOUR comfort and convenience because that’s how much i LOVED you. i was worried about money for so long, in the meanwhile YOU borrowed almost a grand from me spanning to about a year ago with no plan of paying it back timely to ease my stress a little bit. so those are things you’re okay with, but you can’t try to solve something for my anxiety? 

keep in mind i NEVER cared about having someone’s location. as long as i was in the loop, i was fine. you set the precedent to be late, not tell me what’s going on, literally ghost me by turning off your phone and not telling me what’s going on, so YES i don’t trust you because every time you leave, i have to wonder whether you’ll forget this time, whether you’ll be late. when you say you’ll call me and you don’t call. when you say you’re on your way but you’re actually not. and for MONTHS i tried to make it work. i really did. i tried to live with that anxiety as long as there was communication. i tried to push it back and tell myself “ok he’ll tell me what’s going on no need to freak out” but then you “forgot” to let me know, then didn’t have access to your phone. you can’t guarantee me that won’t happen again, you said it yourself you’re human. you’ll have your arguments - “i’m not perfect”, “it was a mistake”. so i’m just supposed to live the rest of my life with this anxiety about what’s going on? whether you’re gonna forget about me again? TEN SECONDS to send a text. all the guilt trip AFTER that I made a big deal. so no, i don’t care that you say you’ll “communicate better” because you said that last time. and i still have anxiety about this. and when you’d rather hold onto a principle you formulated based on your ASSUMPTION that i’m controlling, then it just reiterates to me how much you don’t care. you do things to break my trust in you, then say you can’t deal with it when i don’t trust you? well you shouldn’t have broken that trust in me to begin with. you knew what you were doing and you can’t handle that now that i have anxiety about this?

you turned your phone off WHEN i was absolutely hysterical. i let my roommate know i wasn’t totally okay just so SOMEONE would know, then i had to call my best friend across the country who tried to calm me down because the one person who was supposed to be my rock left me and didn’t care at all what happened to me. and that wasn’t the first time. i’ve lost count how many times you’ve abandoned me. so imagine how much it solidifies in my head that you don’t care at all. you tell me it’s throwing a tantrum when i feel so worthless i have to look at the scars on my arm and manifest some of my emotional pain into physical so that my brain doesn’t explode. i probably have PTSD from the number of times you have abandoned me when i was at that point. i spent hours on hours driving in the middle of the night. and now i’m sitting in the middle of a random starbucks god knows where struggling to put my thoughts into a readable form because if i don’t, i feel like i’m going crazy.

how do you see someone cut themselves, miss a day at their job unable to move from bed and tell yourself its because you don’t share your location? you did a LOT of damage to me last year. i still fucking remember the times i would drink to the point i was throwing up because i didn’t want to be in my head. that’s how i feel right now. how you’d hear me having an anxiety attack and go hang out with your friend instead. do you not have a heart at all? you can’t just take away everything that happened and tell me it’s because i didn’t share your location. it’s because no matter what i do, i feel like i don’t matter to you. i feel like you look at me and see a horrible, horrible person. and no matter what happens, that’s all i’m seen as.

all i can do is communicate how i feel. i can’t force you to care about that. i just know that i would cross my own boundaries if it meant having your comfort and your happiness. it’s evident from my actions. but when you sit there and see me this anxious, this insecure, and this unhappy in our relationship and do absolutely NOTHING to try to appease my fears, then all that shows me is that you really don’t care. i could self-harm and you don’t see someone you love so you wouldn’t want to deal with it. that’s not an assumption i’m making, that’s what you’ve done. 

so while i sit here looking at my scars with proof that i do have a lot of pain, go ahead and tell yourself im crazy. that there’s no way my past (our past) has shaped this belief in me that you don’t care at all. 

i spent a night overdosing and making myself throw up. didn’t sleep at all. woke up to my eyes swollen shut because i was crying. tried to get out of bed but sat on my phone playing a fucking coloring game until 5pm when i heard my roommate get home from work and thought maybe i should brush my teeth. opened my phone to talk to you, lost it some more because you proved to me you don’t care again, cut myself left my apartment again and didn’t come back until 6am. started my next day driving off somewhere with the intention of disappearing. literal proof of how worthless i feel.

you hear that about someone whose done so much for you and this is how you treat them. so tell me how the hell i can trust someone who can hear how i’ve been doing and still be so mean to me.