theres-such-a-fine-line

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

There’s something that feels so inherently silly about rsd because it’s just so intense and so extreme and so often out of touch with reality. And I’m lucky in that I don’t have to deal with it as often as I used to and I can regulate a lot better, but when it does happen it’s that same horrible sensation in your chest and stomach that feels like the whole world is ending. But in reality you’re just responding to a mild instance of possible social rejection and it’s literally fine. Like it’s fine, it’s totally fine, there is no actual reason to feel like you’ve just been set on fire and rolled over a field of crushed glass. You are not dying actually. (If only you could get your brain and body to understand this)

And it’s doubly embarrassing because there’s often a sensation of like. Regressing in that moment. Of feeling like a little kid again. Usually because there’s so many key experiences with rejection that neurodivergent people have in childhood. Which is scary to experience in the moment, but also there’s still an inherent absurdity bc it’s like. That person who unfollowed you just now is not one of the girls who made fun of you in middle school. That wouldn’t make any sense. Everything’s okay I promise

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We don’t talk enough about that stage of healing where you’re Aware but you don’t have the coping skills to hurt any less.

I know I’m being irrational. I know I’m having an emotional response that doesn’t match the reality of the situation. I know that I am loved and I’m not being excluded or shunned.

But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. That doesn’t stop the black hole from forming in my chest and swallowing me whole.

All it does is fill me with shame.

And I’m left with the options of acting out on the irrationality, vocalizing the feelings and making people feel uncomfortable around me, or letting the darkness swallow me in silence.

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

i hope one day i am able to find someone who makes me feel like they want to talk with me rather than at me. someone who chooses to engage and listen to my input, instead of simply talking to me like i’m a journal for them to empty their thoughts into without reciprocating.

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

Learning about rejection sensitivity dysphoria has been so life-changing I cannot even begin to describe it. For one, the overwhelming pain the other people cannot understand which makes you want to literally kill yourself on the spot because you didn't get the job or because a date didn't want to meet again finally has a name, and the name is not "being ridiculous" or "dramatic".

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

How I wish more people understood this.

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Saying "RSD makes me feel like everyone hates me" is a gross oversimplification. I don’t feel like people hate me. I feel like the people I want so desperately to like me don’t care about me and that feel so much worse than outright hate.

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

adhd emotional dysregulation and rsd while on period is just great /s

i hate how intense and real my emotions are rn. i feel so unloved and hated and everything because the silliest thing ever. because a friend constructively told me something that i did that make them feel bad, and i own my mistakes too much. too many mistakes. too bad of a friend. too bad of a person. i’m just bad, the worse. i don’t deserve anyone. i’m better off alone. if i was alone i wouldn’t feel like this, i wouldn’t disappoint anyone, i wouldn’t be hated.

but that’s not even real. my friend doesn’t hate me. but i’m sobbing in my room and can’t sleep because i can’t stop thinking i am the worse friend ever and i should isolate myself.

but oh now… i convince myself everything is real. that time this friend didn’t reply me, that time he rejected a plan, that comment he said… oh everything is because he hates me now because i’m a bad person.

i can’t stress enough how SHITTY i am feeling rn because the silliest thing!!!! it’s not normal. it’s like i’m going through a break up. and my friend just told me “when you said that it made feel bad. i want to tell you so you don’t do it again, but don’t worry it’s not a big deal”. ITS NOT A BIG DEAL, he said. and i’m here crying because i feel like shit.

i can’t even unpack this shit rn.

just emotional dysregulation is so real and i hate being on my period

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

I was happier when I still had that maladaptive daydream shit going. I mean I was a fucking mess, but now when I feel overwhelming emotional pain I'm just fucking trapped in it.

I used to hate it, and now I'd fucking give a goddamn kidney to just imagine something comforting tonight when it feels like my fucking heart is being crushed in my chest.

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

i just love that rsd is like having a huge anxiety moment where you're like "their tone was slightly off when they replied to me today, they might be angry, i need to think about everything i did or said over last six months" and then everything's solved when "oh never mind they just smiled at me and showed me a cute animal picture i think that means they consider me a friend"

this is actually sitcom material

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

Learning about rejection sensitivity dysphoria has been so life-changing I cannot even begin to describe it. For one, the overwhelming pain the other people cannot understand which makes you want to literally kill yourself on the spot because you didn't get the job or because a date didn't want to meet again finally has a name, and the name is not "being ridiculous" or "dramatic".

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

Neurotypical person: Wow you don't look like you have ADHD. Are you sure?

Sir, I'm a high functioning ADHDer with this crippling pressure on myself to be perfect. I was late diagnosed cuz I had been masking without even knowing I was masking. I have been masking so much since childhood, I don't even know if I have a personality or if I'm just a blob with multiple interests and abilities.

I don't even know myself and I've been with myself since I gained the ability to think.. what makes YOU an expert on me based on how I look?

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

One thing I absolutely despise about having ADHD is that I can be having a good day and then a friend will just make a single off hand comment in a tone that will suddenly have my brain acting like a toddler having a full tantrum meltdown bc they think someone's being mean to them.

Doing all the self-work to help with functioning day to day and just generally feeling like a somewhat-passable adult in society, only to find yourself regularly seeming to regress to having the emotional control of an actual toddler is just the worst.

Like... come on brain. We know our friends love us, they can just be in grumpy moods sometimes, and that doesn't mean the world is ending ffs.

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

“It's the RSD” You tell yourself. 

But is it? Is it really?

You wonder about that. 

Your friend would have answered. Once, it would have been frequently. More than weekly at least. 

“Busy.” You say. Or perhaps,” not enough spoons.” 

You are an exhausting person to deal with after all. Clingy to the friends you do have, because you are bad at making many friends, and you try to hang on to the ones you do have. 

Maybe that's part of the problem too. You become boring, repetitive, an obligation, a shackle, holding them down. Back. 

Maybe, that reduction in response is them trying to cut you off, to wean you, so that one day their lack of presence in your life will become everyday fare instead of missing like a prominent smell vital to the air you used to breathe. 

One summer, there were so many forest fires you could taste it in the air, even in cities far far away. Like that, but more of a natural smell. Like the smell of coming rainstorm, or pine trees, or a large body of water- vital to the environment- is missed when its gone. 

And if you ask, you will be reassured, and will reassure, and both leave feeling good. 

But those reasurances are not as warm when the RSD kicks you down, and you read back and see how long it has been, and how many of your more recent messages are not answered. The reassurance did not totally remove these fears from under your skin, like a dandelion leaving roots behind it. Alone in the dark, they stir and grow.

Back off! Back off! Stop being so clingy! Give them space. People have lives outside of you, and this is selfish! They don't need to cater to you to be your friend. 

Once we would needed intervention to stop talking. 

People change. Things change. You thought things between you wouldn't. You think a lot of things, and try to live in denial. 

When's the last time they went out of their way to start the conversation with you? When they came with something exciting to share. When they asked about you instead of you them. Where you didn't pop up when you saw they were online, and only occasionally got a reply. Maybe you are like an annoying puppy. Except its hard to be mad at a puppy. So worse. Also, you can't remember the last time. 

You are angry and desparing at feeling ignored. Part of you imagines walking away first. 

You would never do it. What if they never noticed. 

You are lonely. Maybe this is why. You hate it. Or maybe you. Probably both. 

Stop. Stop! Lack of self esteem isn't going to help matters. Why would they want to hang around to you being pathetic like that?

But you have looked and acted stupider around them. Maybe this is them looking back and noticing. Maybe they decided they didn't want to be involved in That anymore. 

Lifelong friendship like in the media is not a thing. Or maybe it isn't for you. People change, people grow, people grow out of- 

And have you grown, really? Maybe that's why they leave you behind, they grow and grow and grow out of you, striding forward to bigger heights while you stay, and perhaps even lose ground as they are gaining. 

Stop. This is your RSD. 

And do you really do anything together anymore? Sure you chat, but most of its surface. Is any of it the deep stuff, personal on more than a surface level? The stuff that connected you? 

“They are busy. People have lives.”

They do. And they used to make time in theirs for things with you. Keywords; used to. Past tense. They Loved you. Past tense. “I love you" is not an easy phrase for you to say to not family, but you had tried to used it with them. Maybe not enough. 

What can you do? What can you offer? It takes two to maintain a relationship. You look at all the things you sent them that were never responded to, and you wonder “what if they don't like me anymore?”

“That's the RSD talking.” 

Yes. But the RSD is talking to me, and you are not. 

That's the problem.

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

It's a bitch

I didn't realize how much this fucked up my life until I was diagnosed at 34.

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

12th house in Scorpio: Is all about inner power, intensity, sexuality, and facing darkness, first internal then outer.

source x x x x 

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

Pros of re-reading your own fic

a good time;

Has exactly the tropes you like and the characterization you want to read;

Gratification: yes you did finish a thing and yes you did do good;

just a very fun time all around.

Cons of re-reading your own fic:

Is that another TYpO

[theres-such-a-fine-line]

I just reada really good fic but halfway through I realized "oh shit this is really familiar.... didn't I write something like this once?" And as I kept reading I kept predicting what happened next and the further I went the more convinced I was that they'd ripped off my story-

like, copied the ENTIRE plot and re-written it, just better than I had? The characters were more fleshed-out than mine were, and the POV was more interesting, and the pace made more sense- but it was MY STORY?

So close to the end I was like "holy shit.. do I message them? Ask if my story inspired theirs? Should I be angry? Flattered?" Cause their tags and description didn't mention me AT ALL, which, sure, it's fanfiction to begin with, but if you're using my work than at least credit me as inspo, right? Just to be courteous?

But I get to the end of the final chapter, and it's not finished, and I'm kind of disappointed cause I never finished my story and I was really immersed in their version now and had been looking forwards to seeing how they tied up my loose ends- so I scroll to the bottom to leave a comment, and.

It's MY URL.

IT WAS MY STORY THE WHOLE TIME.

THE ONE *I WROTE*.

In *2013*.

And FORGOT ABOUT

BECAUSE I WAS SO INSECURE ABOUT MY SLOPPY, SHALLOW, AMETEUR WRITING

And I'm just sitting here now staring into space thinking about every shitty story I've ever written now like

IT WAS ALL GOOD?

IT WAS GOOD THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME??

I'M A GOOD WRITER?????