therapythroughwriting

[therapythroughwriting]

I wish to one day be capable of human connection

the world is constantly moving so fast around me, I feel I cannot keep up

everyone is on a one way train up and I appear to be pedalling

even if I pedal with all I've got, I'll never reach the train.

I wish to one day be capable of human connection

the world is constantly moving so fast around me, I feel I cannot keep up

everyone is on a one way train up and I appear to be pedalling

even if I pedal with all I've got, I'll never reach the train.

I realize now my friends and friend group of about a year now have decided I wasn't good enough. I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't enough like them. I wasn't kind enough. I wasn't caring enough. I tried. I tried my best. I tried to not hate anybody. I tried to be nice, be teasing when needed, be funny. but, I'm not good enough. I really thought it was working. that maybe at one point it'd crack and I be in that train. but now I'm too exhausted to keep up.i don't know what I did wrong. I just wanted to be their friend. I want to be loved and cared for. I want to have common interests and share them, compare them, build on them, expand my thoughts and share my dreams, my aspirations. but I wasn't good enough. nobody talks to me anymore. even when I say something they ghost and ignore it, or worse insult me for trying. I put up with constant insults over the years because I thought it'd be worth it. but at times when I showed weakness and limits, that was too weird for them. too sensitive. I thought we were friends. isn't that what friends do? talk and tell each other their limits and boundaries? why couldn't they respect mine? why'd they kill my cats. Why'd I cry over them killing my cats. why'd they change so fast. they were so nice to me. I just wanted to be friends. now they hate me more than anybody, and use my shared experience of vulnerability as material for ridicule. I tried my best to have things in common with people, so they'd like me. I have nobody to talk to anymore. when I needed and talked to someone finally I felt way better but. the people I talked to weren't there for me as my person, but as me as a human. I don't know how else to explain it. I want to be hugged, coddled, told I'm enough, told they are proud of me, that I'm doing a good job, and to take me away from my phone and bed. I'm depressed. I'm so very depressed. I want to be loved. not romantically (not yet anyways idk) but I just want to be cared for. I need psychical support even though it sounds pathetic I just need to be told at least please just say you care. just anybody somebody say they care. even if it's just one person. I wish one person would seek me out because they see my struggles and make it their goal to help me, like the many times I've done the same to others. I tried hard but they usually end up being not the best people to support, and dump everything on me. I don't know why anybody would love me. I don't know why anybody wouldn't. I thought that if people just got to know me, they'd learn to like me. that I'm likeable. if you look for it. I wish someone could invest in me that way. I want to feel love.

maybe in a different trolley. wouldn't have to be the train. maybe just somebody to reach their hand out and hold it for me to grab onto then take with them into the train. that way I could go at the same pace as everyone else. it's a stupid way to picture it this way but. I just want to have someone reach for me at least.

maybe in a different trolley. wouldn't have to be the train. maybe just somebody to reach their hand out and hold it for me to grab onto then take with them into the train. that way I could go at the same pace as everyone else. it's a stupid way to picture it this way but. I just want to have someone reach for me at least.

(This is an older one. I don't need to be reached out or anything for the things I say here)

If you can't tell, I struggle with diagnosed ADHD and potentially autism.

[therapythroughwriting]

I am me myself and I, and I have none, no one to compare I me myself to. I am alone, myself on desolate plane, with me, on top a tower of scabbards and razor thin ice needles threaded through structure, cutthroat, and subjugating myself full of incomprehensible anguish. i lack voice and reason, and scare easily. I wish to bask in the sunlight of normality, even if it's in vain. I count the days, seconds, years, minutes, all in hope for a single micro-instance of pleasure to be reapable through my good works. alas, I am not brave enough, hence unfortunate. as if my luck was prematurely cut from the moment I was born, tragedy immediately bared it's ugly face. I did not and do not recall asking to be this way, of this origin, in this mind, body, or have a soul as putrid as mine. I wish to be loved. but my fate has other ideas. therefore, I must endure. to the end, they say. i fear the end. but today, I'll let it comfort me.

The last sentence was not added as a hint to SH. Just for writing.

[therapythroughwriting]

to be loved is to be changed.?

I want to be loved

I feel a sharp pain in my chest at every experience I read that isn't truly mine.

I'm scared of people. that's why I have nobody close.

nobody knows.

I haven't told anybody my life, my story, and I fear it's too late.

no lover would want to hear their other in pain.

so I won't be in pain. to be a good lover.

I wish to be cured.

I wish to live a life of fulfillment but instead I suck up others memories to the best of my ability to feel as many lives as possible. maybe I'll find a life that I'll take, to be. I don't know what to be. what if what I am someone doesn't like? I couldn't handle that again.

I don't want to be changed, I want to be loved. I don't want to be molded into something I'm not, but I try so hard to be something I inspire.

I don't think im a girl.

but nobody would love me as anything else.

[therapythroughwriting]

I have to throw up

I don't know when or why or how

but it's just something that's coming that will happen that I can't stop

I don't know how much there will be when it happens

I don't know how it will change how people see me, how they see me

what if when I throw up I lose everything I had

I'll have to learn to eat again. it'll take a very long time but I can do it it just takes time

not throwing up doesn't hurt always, but then sometimes I remember it and it makes me gag

I want to throw up, there's many gross things inside me that I want to let go that make my stomach churn

but the good things too, what if they come out?

what if I were to lose everything, all the good and bad?

id be nothing

nothing is worse than anything

I don't want to be alone

I don't want to be alone when it happens

I hope someone will be there to hold my hair back.

If unclear this isn't about vomiting.

[therapythroughwriting]

where does one count ones worth? by their accomplishments? by their capabilities? is to be, to have had worth enough to be? I don't think I have been yet. maybe one day. maybe.

I've always wondered. if one was unable to do anything, anything at all, would they still have worth? is worth meaning? what is the meaning to being.

would they count my assists? my try? can someone see me? see my heart cry out through everything I do? can you see me? am I here? if I am unseen I am unproved. how does one get the right to be? oh, to be. to be, to be, to be.

I wish I was a girl. a strong girl. a girl other girls could look up to. but I don't even feel like a girl. j don't feel like anything. not essentially nothing, but simply that I am not anything, yet not nothing.

[therapythroughwriting]

I've been doing this a long time in a notes app but decided to try making a blog and sharing some, in case anybody did something similar or could relate. I love writing but have ADHD and find my only inspiration through my feelings.

For a while I'll probably just post old ones mixed with occasional new ones