therapydiaries

[therapydiaries]

*Self doubt*

(Unpicking an unhelpful thinking& behavioural pattern, and realising that it stems from unhealthy childhood attachments).

Since lockdown my thoughts have become so much more negative. I’ve been overthinking EVERYTHING and second guessing myself so badly. I’ve gone from having a laugh & joke with B, saying things like “you’re an idiot” in a joke argument, to afterwards having to “clarify”. “Omg I’m so sorry I didn’t mean that, I was saying it as a joke!” I’d even get feelings of guilt straight after. Even though he KNOWS 10000% that it’s a joke. Idk. I can’t be much of a fun person to live with. At first I thought it was just my brain overthinking, but my therapist says it could be self doubt, or both. It does feel like self doubt. It’s as though I’m “predicting” B’s thoughts, and they’re always negative. I think my brain tells me “You’ve just called him an idiot. That’s so horrible. After everything he does for you! He treats you SOOOO well, and here you are calling him an idiot”. It probably does circle back to self doubt; me doubting that I’m a good fiancé, a good partner. Me doubting that I deserve his love, especially because he really does treat me so well. It probably stems from being tested badly throughout childhood, and my brain in still getting used to having somebody stable and balanced, somebody that doesn’t hurt me or manipulate me. The self doubt creeps in because I feel unworthy of him. I feel unworthy of good things. I’m used to having to work HARD for good things to come, but B’s kindness just comes naturally to him. Perhaps my subconscious is panicking. Perhaps I’m unsure what to do with this overwhelming love that doesn’t go away if I do something wrong. Maybe that IS why I worry about silly stuff like calling him an idiot. The thought process is automatic and mostly subconscious;

Core belief= I don’t deserve love and kindness like this. I’m undeserving & unworthy.

Action; *jokingly calls him an idiot*

Automatic thought “Oh my goodness, don’t say that, you don’t deserve him anyway so why would you do something that might cause him to push you away or think you’re a bad person, or make him not like you? Or give him a reason to leave?”

Emotional response: *PANIC* *Disappointment in self*

Thought: “I need to tell him it was just a joke”- this is part of the panic response.

It’s ridiculous, I know that. It’s so silly, but at the same time, in the moment, it isn’t silly. It feels justified and logical and unsettling. It’s as though normal logic doesn’t apply.

I’m not sure why I feel so unloveable recently. I don’t think I’ve had this before, at least not like this anyway. Unpicking my thoughts now though helps everything to make sense. Every emotion and response I have in this sort of situation is serving a purpose, and that is probably coming from a fear of abandonment. A fear of B leaving me because I’m a bad person. A fear of him taking his love away because I’ve said the wrong thing or done something wrong. I know he would never do that, and even though consciously I can’t relate things to my childhood when they’re happening, I guess this circles back to the attachments I had with my parents, all 3 of them. It’s almost no wonder I’ve been feeling like this is it? It’s crazy how our childhood experiences can still affect us in adulthood, even without us realising it.

[therapydiaries]

GUILT. (A stupid situation in my stupid brain 🤪)

For me, one emotion I feel a lot is guilt. I’m not sure why, a lot of the time I don’t have any reason to feel guilty. And whenever my brain can interpret something as being a wrongdoing in my part in any capacity, it directs my guilt there. It’s like with our new puppy. For months I’ve been saying I want a dog. B wants a dog too, but he is very level headed. “We need to save up first and once we have enough money saved we can have one”.

I’ve brought it up a few times; “Come onnn, let’s just use money from the wedding fund to get it and replace the wedding fund money?”. B said that would make him feel stressed. But one day we started looking online and one thing led to another within a few hours & we ended up arranging to view some puppies. B seemed just as excited as me. He was the one that suggested going to look at them. When we got there, he seemed to fall in love with the puppies just like I did, if not a tiny bit more. He was just as excited and overwhelmed with love for these cute little puppies as I was, and we both discussed names for hours.

BUT. Something inside of me feels so much guilt towards the situation. I don’t know why I second guess things. Thinking about it gives me feelings of excitement to get the dog, but at the same time I feel guilt. Something is telling me I’ve forced B into it.

I’ve stated the facts.

*B was involved in the puppy process just as much as me, and had opportunity to tell me we needed to slow down.

*B willingly found the puppies advertised and suggested we go to meet them.

• B had the opportunity to say he didn’t want the puppy when we were at the viewing, on the way home or at home before we sent the deposit

• B’s actions are those of somebody that actually wants the puppy, not somebody that doesn’t want it.

Other things I’m thinking;

*Maybe he felt forced

*Maybe I was pushy without realising it

*Maybe he just went along with it because he wanted to keep me happy by just doing what I want and not asserting his wants/ needs/ opinions because he thinks I wouldn’t listen or invalidate them.

*Maybe this is more to do with an insecurity of mine to do with not feeling like so validate B’s emotions enough; I used to be horrible if he expressed negative emotion towards me and be really invalidating- telling him that he shouldn’t feel that way and that it was his own fault; I know I actively feel guilty about that when I reflect upon it, so maybe this just circles back to that idea and thats to why I have this underlying guilt?

Apart from the last point; I used “Checking the facts”. I texted B whilst I was at work, asking him weirder this puppy is what he wants. I asked him if he felt forced into getting the puppy, and if he was doing it just to keep me happy and not disagree out of fear of my response being horrible. I asked him if he 1000% wanted this puppy and the responsibility. His facts were “I’m sooo excited or this puppy”, “You didn’t force me into anything” and “I can’t wait to get him”. To him, those are FACTS. Those Facts completely diminish every thought on my “Other things I’m thinking” list apart from the last one, which comes to only one conclusion; my guilt is unwarranted in this situation.

I just need to find a way now to let that go. I feel like writing things down in a bit of an equation like this gives me a different perspective and allows me to see wether certain emotions are warranted in a situation. It lets me balance out the facts and opinions, and also gives me guidelines of what I should actually be feeling.

Probably excited to get the puppy, proud that we are getting one because we have wanted one for so long, excited to start this journey of new responsibility and commitment together to eachother, a bit apprehensive because we’ve never done this before, but also joyous because this is such a happy step. I can allow myself to feel those things now without the undertone of guilt. Guilt is a useful emotion because it lets us know when we have done something wrong, upsetting or harmful towards somebody else. It helps us to create relationships because it tells us when we need to apologise and change our ways. In this instance, guilt doesn’t correlate. Guilt is not an appropriate emotion for this situation.

Things to work on that have arisen in this situation; my validation of B’s emotions and my response to his expression of them.

[therapydiaries]

-.Negative thoughts.-

I would never say most of the stuff that I say to myself to a friend. God, I wouldn’t even say most of it to somebody I didn’t like, somebody that upset me or somebody that actually deserved it! So why do I say it to myself? Honestly, I think it comes from my upbringing. Until Sandra pointed it out, I didn’t know this was a common issue amongst people with an abusive upbringing. I guess it makes sense; being made to feel worthless and unworthy for the years that your brain is developing? It’s no surprise my brain has developed to automatically assume that same way of thinking.

Sometimes I have this dialogue going on in my head; it’s as though I am assuming the voice of somebody external to myself. It’s different to hearing voices. It’s as though half of my brain is myself, and the other half has taken the form of the parent that used emotional abuse to control me throughout my younger years. It can be simple, and start with something small and ridiculous. And the “Me” half of my brain at that point feels EVERY WORD. It hurts. It makes me feel sad. Disappointed in myself. Guilty. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Frustrated. Angry. It makes me feel so many different emotions and without counselling to teach me the skills I need, it’s so hard to control. I’m not sure what to call it yet, but I will create an appropriate word for it soon. A typical episode of it can look like this;

*Does something at work that somebody else disagrees with*

It can be something as simple as making somebody a cup of tea late on at night, and that member of staff thinks the patient should be in bed, not drinking brews.

*Member of staff expresses their disapproval*.

Brain; “Omg. They really don’t like you”

Panic, anxiety & worry sets in.

Brain “You defo shouldn’t have done that. Why didn’t you know you’re not supposed to do that? Why don’t you use your brain? Why do you mess things up? How many times have I done this before now that I know it’s the wrong thing to do? Because it’s probably a lot. Because you’re an idiot. What other stuff have you done today that might be wrong? Did you do your paperwork right or did you mess that up too?”

By this time, I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m feeling ashamed of myself for not being able to do my job properly. I feel like a failure, in both my job and my life in general. If I can’t do my job properly, how can I possibly be a good person? Then the guilt sets in. The doubt, and the absolute panic of “what am I even doing with my life?”

.ALL. .OVER. .A. .BLOODY. .BREW.

Even though I know that this member of staff has made up the “No brews late at night” rule; she just likes to control everything. EVEN with that knowledge, even knowing that that particular member of staff just likes to kick up a fuss over nothing, EVEN knowing I’ve done nothing harmful, dangerous, or “wrong”, my brain still takes me on this crazy rollercoaster of emotions.

Putting it like this really exposes me to the ridiculousness of the situation. It makes me feel weak, like I need to take control of my brain more. Why do I torture myself so much like this? Why do I let people that have very little relevance to me allow me to question my whole life?

Perhaps I could’ve fought the “brew” situation. Perhaps I could’ve taken a step back to look at the situation from a different perspective, looking just at the facts.

Fact; A patient asked me for a brew.

Fact; I made the patient a brew.

Fact; There is no rule against making a brew for a patient.

Fact; There was no harm or damage caused by making the patient a brew.

Conclusion; nothing I did in that disruption was wrong or harmful.

Other facts; The member of staff made that rule up. The member of staff wanted to patient to go to bed. The member of staff had no authority to tell me that what I did was wrong. The member of staff can report that I did my job wrong, at the same time, the member of staff listening to her will know that there is no rule against making brews for the patients at night time or any time.

FACT; there will be no consequence if she reports me to a senior member of staff.

In retrospect, I can go on and on about why I shouldn’t worry about it. It would’ve saved me hours of distress. It feels ridiculous to me that I have to inspect my thoughts so closely. I feel like an idiot, and I feel silly. But at the same time, I know that getting into the habit of reflective learning will help me in actually using my skills at the right time in the future, before my brain runs away with itself. I’m hoping that counselling will allow me to take the reigns and direct my thoughts to a nicer and more comfortable place. I’m hoping with all my might that this will be a quick fix, but I know it won’t be, not after 26 years of living with this brain. I know it’ll be a long road with a lot of effort from my part, but looking at this; I know I need to change. I know I’m ready to change.

[therapydiaries]

Counselling Sesh #1.

-!Fact or Opinion?!-

So it turns out my brain is wired negatively. Bad thoughts. All day. Every day. They’re usually aimed at myself; “You’re an idiot”. “You just said the wrong thing, now they hate you”. “You’re so bad at this idk why you’re even bothering”. “Lol that person thinks ur ugly, go die, u don’t deserve to be here”. Ya know, the usual.

And just ONE bad thought can take me down a whole rabbit hole of negative talk; i cant spend HOURS with my negative internal dialogue without even realising. When I do realise, I have no idea what to do. I try to find things to distract me, but the emotions that my negative thoughts have evoked can take HOURS to leave me, and i find sitting with negative thoughts SOO difficult. When I was younger I was never taught how to cope with negative emotions; I thought they were bad. My coping mechanism was harming myself, but at 26 years of age I defo need to learn new coping skills. 

My counsellor “Sandra” agrees that I have an issue. “When you described having COVID and being too tired to exercise; you called yourself lazy.”  Yeah Sandra, that’s a pretty normal perspective to have, right? 

Well, apparently not.

She proceeded to ask; “IS that laziness? Or were you just not well enough to exercise?” O.K. SaNdRa. You got me there. But I did feel WAY less guilty about not exercising once she pointed that little piece of info out to me. Here she was showing me to challenge the thought. To try and understand wether it was a FACT or an OPINION. There are many questions that you can ask yourself to determine wether a thought or judgement you have about yourself is a fact, or an opinion. 

For those of us that are wired to have negative thoughts, a lot of the time, we have a thought about ourselves and our actions, our value and our qualities and we accept it as being the truth. “I am bad at my job”. Usually, I would run with that idea. I would ruminate about EVERYTHING I have ever done slightly wrong in my job, and convince myself beyond all reasonable doubt that I am, in fact, bad at my job. 

The “Fact or Opinion” exercise is really useful because it forces you to really put the thought into perspective;

*A FACT has evidence to support its truth and is indisputable. 

*An OPINION is based upon a belief or personal view, and is usually driven and enforced by emotions. 

There are questions I can ask myself to determine wether that thought is a fact or opinion; “Am I really bad at my job, or did I just do one thing wrong?” “Can I think of a time i did my job particularly well?” “Am I actively trying hard to do my job, and do I actually put effort into doing my job properly?” This is a thought I have had a few times, but using “Fact or Opinion?” has made me see; I’m actually NOT bad at my job. I’m kinda good at it. I put in 100% effort each day. I work as hard as I can to make my patients feel heard, understood, validated and safe. I make sure my patients ARE safe, and when they’re not, i take action to get them out of danger and I try my best to support them mentally in the process and afterwards. I turn up on time, and I don’t leave until I have done everything I need to do. I am polite to my co workers, and I love having a laugh with them. I try to lighten the mood if people are feeling down, and I listen to them when they need to vent. I help them feel heard, validated, and comfortable with opening up. I swap out jobs with them if they’re feeling too overwhelmed, and don’t expect anything in return. I make a bloody good brew, and God knows a good brew can fix a lot of things! When I look at the facts, i’m bloody good at my job and I need to give myself more credit. If I carry on looking at the opinions I make about myself when i’m in a negative state of mind, or feeling depressed, or sad, or anxious ,or stressed, or nervous, then I definitely WILL convince myself that i’m bad at my job. But that isn’t fact.

Sandra, you are damn good at your job too. 

[therapydiaries]

Unscrambling 26 years of a scrambled brain.

-!Counselling!-

How do I feel about that word? As an individual working in the Mental Health sector, I found the word offensive. Usually, I wouldn't. But when uttered to me in the same sentence as the words "You" and "Need", I felt personally victimised.I guess that's the pressure that comes with a BSc in Psychology, and knowledge of Mental Health issues. People expect you to be able to fix yourself, because "you fix everybody else". It is an unspoken concept. You KNOW what the problem is, you know the solution. It should be as easy as helping your friends through a tough time, or your family, or your patients.

For me, it isn't that plain sailing. My issues are deep-rooted. They are too close to home for me to take another perspective and see the bigger picture. It is the accumulation of 26 years of both small and big things that have added up, evolved, and transformed my brain into the frazzled, negatively wired mess that it is at 26 years of age. "You need Counselling" has probably been a long time coming. God knows I needed it through my teenage years, but at that point, I was too depressed and anxious to be present. The present me spends way too much time inside my head. She spends too much time mulling over even the smallest thing that went wrong. She spends too much time berating herself for absolutely no reason, telling herself she's wrong, she's selfish, she's stupid, she's an idiot. She spends too much time on the train of negative thought patterns, instead of questioning those thoughts. The present me finds it hard to give herself credit, to tell herself that she is valued, that she is a good person, that she is pretty, funny, caring and loved. The current me "Needs Counselling", and is going to take the step to delve into unscrambling this frazzled brain.