thequeefdealer

[thequeefdealer]

I have no idea why I made this but I had a thought and couldn't get it out of my head

[thequeefdealer]

I'm actively losing Instagram followers, like, number is going DOWN. Meanwhile over here my follower count is skyrocketing faster than ever I LOVE BEING THE WORST INFLUENCER OF ALL TIME I LOVE IT HERE IN MY GARBAGE

[thequeefdealer]

Guys, let's make a sandwich. I'll start:

Bread

[thequeefdealer]

From my trip to Barney’s and Gaga’s workshop.

[thequeefdealer]

well yes!

[thequeefdealer]

i hate looking at the thermometer and seeing some fuckass number like 2

[thequeefdealer]

Anti-science does not make America great.

This is sabotage. This is an attack on our ability to defend ourselves.

MAGA is going to end prevention. MAGA wants to silence and intimidate scientists.

Every Republican is complicit.

[thequeefdealer]

I feel like someone is standing next to me talking about how I'm dead

[thequeefdealer]

who’s gonna tell tumblr that executive dysfunction is more than Not Doing Things?

[thequeefdealer]

new video coming this week hotties

[thequeefdealer]

I’VE LOST THESE POUNDS BEFORE

[thequeefdealer]

So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like "Oh! Who's this?" so I was telling them all about him, how he's been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I'd brought with me, you know, small talk.

So then a nurse comes over and goes "Okay, I've got some stickers I'll put on your things so we know they're yours" and I'm like "OK cool" so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I'm like "oh I guess he gets a sticker too"

But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that's an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:

And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)

Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don't notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he's tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.

And I'm like "huh?" so I look at him and I realize

They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy

[thequeefdealer]

Hey how come the truck automatically locks when it explodes and bursts into flames

[thequeefdealer]

[thequeefdealer]

when people are like “the hunger games just stole the plot of battle royale” like listen everything steals from the plot of everything the lion king is just furry hamlet westworld is jurassic park but sexier lost is edgy gilligan’s island there are no original stories and the only good piece of media is jennifer’s body

[thequeefdealer]

[thequeefdealer]

Roasted chicken, ginger, daikon, shiitake mushroom soup with lime, cilantro, broccoli sprouts, and rice noodles