theparadoxbella

[theparadoxbella]

Cravings, Still Unsatisfied

Lately, I realized that I become a needy person. Again. I thought I've overcome this long time already but no, I was wrong. I guess, it will be always with me.

Ever since I was a kid, I always craved attention. I needed Mommy and Daddy because they are always working. I badly needed someone to talk to but I often end up being scolded every time by my Tita's who are taking care of me or, worst, by Mommy. I needed a family conversation the most. I needed those words of wisdom and the I love you's. I needed my brother but we tend to fight a lot because he doesn't like me. No one does. I am no ones favorite. I thought I was my Dad's favorite because we were so close and he is my idol but people change, I am not an example or a favorite for him now. I felt the change and I was kind of hurt. I am my Mom's enemy ever since. Everyone knows that. We fight a lot. She scolded me a lot. She had pinch me, in every part of my body, many times already. Sometimes in front of a family or other people. Because of all this, I felt embarrassed all my life and I hate it because I became insecure, coward, and  I feared a lot of things.

Now that I am a grown up, my neediness grew stronger. I am still craving for attention. I still need to be understand by my family. I am still an enemy for my siblings. They hate me. I felt left out most of the time. Whatever good things I do for them is just a waste. I thought Mommy and I are in good terms already since I lived in Manila, we talked and texted a lot when I'm in college, but after I graduated and lived here again my childhood came back. I still felt not liked by her and I felt I am her enemy again. Until now, I still need a family conversation. I want them to ask me how I am doing because I am not okay. I am not doing good. I am sad. Whenever I tried talking to them, they will just get annoyed because I talk a lot loudly. Especially my siblings, they hate me talking a lot. I thought I over came this neediness when Dennis came in to my life. He become my best friend and my confidante. He spoils me a lot in so many ways. He listens a lot and he talks when I needed words. He gives me everything my family didn't gave me. But I'm still wrong with all this 'overcoming the neediness' because I don't think I needed everyone's love and care anymore. I realized I needed myself because I lost 'me' in these phase of making everyone like me. Sad but it's true. I lost the optimistic me. I got so depressed.

Currently, I am still battling with my own demons. I am still battling with my messed up/angry/sad/ mind. I am still in the process of loving myself and overcoming all these quacking fears, this life. I hope It'll come to the point where my family, especially Dennis will notice that I learned to love myself like  or more than how they love me. No more overthinking. No more neediness. ME IS ENOUGH. Hopefully.

[theparadoxbella]

The Sunday Currently| volume 3

Finally, after two weeks, I am here!! I am so back! I was able to open tumblr again because ya know, hooray for weekends!!! I am so free this weekend and I’ll be free for the next couple of weeks until next year. Well, hey there!! Kamusta? Well me, I became so freaking busy with my ‘Practice Teaching’ which I thought will be starting next year. But nah! I’ve never been so wrong in my life! Lol. But seriously, these past two weeks has been hella stressing!! From waking up way too early than usual, to my critic teacher whose very strict and sort of ‘perfectionist’, and lastly to my impish students (particularly in one of the sections I’m handling) who freaks and stress the hell out of me. Every. Single. Day.  But somehow, I enjoyed the first two weeks of my OJT despite of all the stress. I felt good when I saw my students learned from me and appreciated my presence (most of them though).  Nakakakilig. Hehe. Anyway, here’s my Sunday currently…

CURRENTLY

Reading the lesson plan I made. You know, just reviewing for tomorrow’s ‘teacher’ duty.

Writing this blog... *wink*

Listening to Alanis Morisette’s Ironic. I am loving this song since last Monday pa. Perfect song to listen to while I’m doing my lesson plan and some school stuff. Narerelax ako. Haaayyy...

Thinking about Christmas Vacation! Darn it!!! I. am. so. freaking. excited. to. go. home. and. sleep and eat. all. day!!! Plus I am excited to receive gifts this Christmas! Hihi.

Smelling the fume of the shampoo I used earlier. Ahhhhh my hair is so mabango! Lol.

Wishing for a peaceful week and a very merry Christmas for everyone!

Hoping for a stress free Mondays in school. Kind and cooperative people/ teacher AND students. Please? Lol.

Wearing my usual pambahay, sando and shorts... And my fluffy pink ribbon headband.

Loving this weekend!!! Yes, finally I was able to relax/chill with Dennis. You know, my ideal weekend is spending it with my love or my family (without thinking about any stressful stuffs), watch movie, go on a road trip and ofcourse, eat! Dennis and I watch Rogue One (which I don’t know why I agreed on that because, di ako makarelate! Duhhh.) Went to Nuvali to make pasyal and papicture to Santa. Hahaha Lol. Basta, I love weekends with my love!

Wanting a new laptop! Huhu please! *Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year!!!*

Needing many many many time tosleep because I am not having a good sleep for two weeks now!!! Ugh!

Feeling happy, in love, blessed, accomplished and determined. Basta, I feel so good today. Yey!

Hooray for a positive and a happy week ahead of us! We may be stressed but choose to smile. Okay? Please? 

PS. I love people who smile a lot. *wink wink*

[theparadoxbella]

The Sunday Currently| volume 2

Hey there!!! What’s up? Well me? I just had a great and productive, really productive, weekend with Dennis. We went to Alden’s album tour yesterday. (Yes, I have a quite supportive boyfriend who supports me in everything I do, especially this craziness!!) I thought I already left my fan girl heart in the past but nah, it never got out inside me!! I was crazy, shouting, jumping, singing my heart out yesterday. Hahahaha! (Sorry babe, I just can’t!) I was also with Dennis today, I’ve been getting used to going to work with him. I am her secretary/ the-person-who-always-keeps-him-awake-when-he-drives (this is why he wants me with him). Lol joke. Anyway, here’s my Sunday currently...

CURRENTLY

Reading random tweets. Hay I’ve been into twitter these days. Oh not only twitter, social media’s eating my system now. Ay! I should get a life! I mean, I need to get out of twitter and facebook muna. (Weh?) I miss my books! I miss reading books na! 

Writing a letter for my sister because she’ll be celebrating her fifteenth birthday on the 30th. Man, time flies so fast! My baby girl!

Listening to Coldplay’s A head Full of Dreams album. Oh my heart! I am so in love with this album. My favorites were Everglow, Up & Up and Hymn for the Weekend!! I think I’ll be listening from my phone muna for quite long time because.. *sobs* because... *sobs* BECAUSE TICKETS WERE SOLDOUT, I WASN’T ABLE TO BUY, I DIDN’T MAKE IT! NO! I’m brokenharted! But well, life goes on....

Thinking about our thesis. Ay no! I don’t want to stress myself! Good thoughts come in!

Smelling... hmmm. nothing...

Wishing for Christmas to come faster! I am so excited!! Who doesn’t love Christmas?

Hoping for a fun, productive, stress/problem-free and great week. These are all we need! Less negativity please!!

Wearing a singlet and boxers. I love wearing boxer shorts next to pajama. They’re so comfy! Also, I’m wearing my Miniso ribbon head band which I am really loving for days now.

Loving this day! Sundays with Bae eh! We always go on a date but I love it when we’re not fighting about traffic, parking lots, and yes, his driving. (Love you Babe!) Today’s just a chill day, walking, road tripping and of course more more more eating! What’s #kdtravels without foods? Hahaha.

Wanting a Toffee Nut Latte so bad! Good job Starbucks! This one’s my favorite next to Green Tea Latte! Man, I’m starving!!!!!!

Needing random materials because I am DIY-ing my room and i’m out of nails, paints, tables, chairs etc. I need to work on it before ojt comes! I need a good and clean environment and new view naman so that I’ll be inspire to do my work and yes, do the"studying”!! Talking about continuous learning/ studying because.. yeah... teachers...

Feeling pained!!! YOU. KNOW... R E D. D A Y S. Dinosaurs...

So yes, hope we all had a great weekend and we’ll all have a great week! xx

[theparadoxbella]

The Sunday Currently| volume 1

Hey there!! This is my first entry to my heyhey Sunday! Haha! I thought my Sunday will going to be unproductive, my usual lazy Sunday, but no. I end up going to Salon to get my kilays on fleek and went to my Tita’s house for a visit. Anyway, here is my Sunday currently...

CURRENTLY

Reading an article about the causes of frequent urination because I have been urinating more than normal since yesterday. I am kind of nervous because I think I have a Urinary Tract Infection based on the symptoms in the article. Hayyy... I must get a check up as soon as possible. 

Writing random notes in my new journal. Hmmm.. who doesn’t  love writing on a new notebooks/ journals?

Listening to the songs of MYMP, all of them! My mom have been playing their album since this morning until three in the afternoon. Chill day Sunday it is!!!

Thinking whether I’ll go to Coldplay’s concert or not. I’ve been wanting to go to their concert since the day they announced they’ll play here. But I ain’t got money! Error 101 money not found! My only hope is when my dad and mom will give me at least half of the price of the ticket but I see rare light!! Cries in Filipino... 

Smelling the fabric conditioner the guy in the laundry shop used in my clothes. Hay sakit sa ulo!!

Wishing for a great and productive week! No to lazy days!!! (Weh? I wish!) And of course, I am definitely wishing for a stress free week! No nega pips! PLEASE!

Hoping that my parents will give me moneh for the concert!!! Oh good loving parents please!!!!!!!

Wearing a white shirt and my go-to shorts which I am wearing kanina pa.

Loving the new journal, notebooks and crown pens I bought in the Paper Stone yesterday. I am so in love with the designs! I am so excited to use all of ‘em! Man, their designs will keep me motivated to write notes, plans and some random stuffs. Ang sarap sulatan ng sulatan because I am so freaking in love with them talaga!!

Wanting to get a whole body massage since yesterday!

Needing a new eyeglasses because I lay on it accidentally. I am in pain right now because Daddy said it can’t be fixed and I need a new one. Oh my heart!!! I really need a new one because I am having headaches and my eyes are in pain whenever I am not wearing them glasses! 

Feeling happy because Christmas is already coming. I can really feel it because our house is decorated with Santa’s. candy canes and Christmas lights already. And I feel glad when I saw our Christmas tree yesterday, when I got home from Manila, because it’s our first time to change the usual Christmas tree we’re using for six or seven years, I think. It is different now because Mommy decided to buy a white one. And it is so cute because Mommy decorated it with so many poinsettias and when I say many, it is really many!  Hahaha! Well, I am also feeling quite sleepy na.

So yes, this is basically my Sunday. Hope we’ll all have a great great week! xx

[theparadoxbella]

Katrina Mae

Hola!!! You should be asking why I am here, blogging or more likely writing nonsense stuff. Well, let me tell you this… Honestly, I. AM. A. FRUSTRATED. WRITER. I love it when I put what I feel in to words because it makes me feel better than saying it to people which, you know, I am not quite comfortable.  So yah, that’s why I am here. I just want to express myself through this and I just want to share some happenings in my unperfect and crazy but happy life!

And why paradox bella? I am predictable in my unpredictability. I sometimes think of things that makes me sad when I want to be happy. Crazy? Right. I sometimes hate myself in some reason but I love who I am. I am a conflicted contradiction, I sometimes can’t figure myself out, but you know, I’m still learning to. Everyday I’m excited to learn new things about me. One step at a time.

[theparadoxbella]

If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.

Follow for more quotes about life (via thelovewhisperer)

[theparadoxbella]

022516. Tagaytay with my the loved ones.

[theparadoxbella]

01132016. Celebrated my 19th with my love.

[theparadoxbella]

3AM THOUGHTS

Happy Birthday to me!!!! I should've not read them convos in yer messenger. Blablabla I shouldn't be hurt. But wtf?! I'm in pain now. I'm so insecure. Don't know if time will come that I'll make you happy and I'll make you not worried. Fak! Am I worthy? Felt like I ain't!!! 😶💔

[theparadoxbella]

Suddenly your kisses became my midnight craving

Nari // 12:03am (via

1113am

)

[theparadoxbella]

I should do better this 2016. Please God, guide me. I need to be the better version of myself. I need to do good, be productive and be worthy of people's love and attention.

KMG

[theparadoxbella]

Christmas 2015 with the most important people in my life. 💕

[theparadoxbella]

My mood changed real quick from 100 down to 0. Thanks!

[theparadoxbella]

Drop the false pretense darling, you don’t have to pretend to God that you’re okay, that you’re doing fine He’s a compassionate God who meets you where you are and that place could be the deepest, darkest valley you have ever known or the happiest mountain you’ve ever been on

(via

godlydatingandfeelings

)

🙏

[theparadoxbella]

Misserable Bella

I've got so much hatred and sadness in me. I don't know why. I must not feel this way because God blessed me with such great people. But I feel that something's missing inside me. I'm always sad, I don't know why. I know everything's not perfect. Yes, I do have a complete family (I know I should not ask for more) but I don't know if we're happy or what or maybe I'm the only one who's not because everytime I am with them, I can't be myself. It's like my siblings don't like me and I feel like they hate my presence. Maybe I am quite talkative and I sometimes don't watch what I'm saying but I'm trying to be good and responsible. And everytime I'm being sweet, they fucking hate it. And as for my parents I feel like I am not enough. I am not like my siblings. I am worst now and everything gets even worse when I'm trying to be good. I'm so fucking messed up! I'm tired of people, I no longer want to exist!! I'm full of insecurities. I'm incomplete. I'm sad. I'm starting to hate myself!

[theparadoxbella]

Distance is not for the faint of heart. Distance is for the dreamers. It’s for the people willing to wait to be near the person who makes their heart race. It’s for those who don’t mind spending time alone. It’s for sexting and 3am phone calls and Netflix dates where you curl up in bed with your pillows and blankets and imagine it’s them wrapped around you so tightly. It’s for those willing to fight to be with the one they want. It’s for “I miss you” and “I can’t wait to see you” and “I wish you were here”. It’s for planning your future with someone even though all the odds are stacked against you. Distance is for warriors. Distance is not for the faint of heart.

(via

1113am

)

[theparadoxbella]

The weather's gloomy and so am I.

KMG