theoutlawinme92

[theoutlawinme92]

I don’t know

I don’t want to say goodbye

I don’t want to see you go

Im not ready to part ways

Im not ready to stop fighting

Even though it seems you are

Even though you said goodbye

Even though you don’t want to do this anymore

Even though you say it’s time to part ways

I look around and think of all we did together

I thought this time was different

But here I am, on my own again

You‘d think I’d be totally broken

Maybe I am and I just am so broke I don’t feel anymore

No tears to shed

No anger to feel

No fists to throw into random objects

Things changed and it all seems like a blur

Maybe I am that lost now

Confidence I had in you is gone

Thought you wouldn’t leave and you did AGAIN

So do me a favor please

Take the memories with you

Take all the things we said was in our future

Take it all so I don’t have to replay it in my mind

Please take it, I’d give you my entire heart too

I don’t want it anymore

Cause it will always belong to you

[theoutlawinme92]

Incase you see this

I miss you

a lot 😞

[theoutlawinme92]

I feel awful most of the time.

Not physically awful but mentally.

Some days I feel like a ticking time bomb

[theoutlawinme92]

I want to break down so badly but I can’t.

I hurt but don’t feel.

I smile but don’t feel happy.

I work but don’t feel accomplished.

I try but find no success.

[theoutlawinme92]

Some days I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels. Stuck, I try so hard to keep things going. I had such high hopes for this year but they are completely and totally crushed. No seal coating, barely any new lawns I think I got 1 new one. But lost 6 lawns at this point in the season. I’m just not sure what I’m doing anymore. All my goals are going to be a bust. I can barely get my name out there. I wanted to get my first new piece of equipment next year I don’t see that happening. I just feel so defeated and lost. I can’t sleep because of it, I’m angry all the time I work constantly to try to make something out of this mess I have. I just want things to fall into place. But they seem to fall apart...it’s devastating..

[theoutlawinme92]

I tried...

I tried cleaning all the clutter and trash.

I tried listening to music while I cleaned

I tried writing things down

I tried to be positive

I tried to be hopeful

I tried to take a step towards starting new

But here I am

Unable to sleep

Unable to get these thoughts out of my head

I don’t want to do this anymore...

I don’t want to be here anymore

You’ve gone away like some many before you

You did everything you said you’d never do

You saw my face when I told you my fears

You saw me cry when I told you the pain I’ve been through

But you still did it..

I tried to understand

I try to be ok

But that’s furthest from the thing I am..

[theoutlawinme92]

It is very hard to find middle of the road relaxing music these days. Lately I’ve been so emotionally charged and I’m starting to figure out why I believe. I am a big metal head, love the loud guitars and drums and everything but it’s prodominately angry and sad music. I’ve also got some country on my iTunes, which again is mainly sad music. I’ve got some rap which that can be pretty middle of the road but again it can be pretty emotionally driven. I’d just like some music in the genres that I like that just relax me. I think on my drive home last night I could listen to 5 songs that made me feel relaxed and ok with everything that’s been going on lately. And I’m sure there’s someone out there that’ll say “well you’re only finding the emotion In it because of everything you’ve been through lately” and that’s only half right. The emotion is always there, that’s what makes it what it is. You can’t write a song called “remember everything” without some pain sadness and anger in your heart. You cant write the lyrics “I pulled you closer, tighter, because I knew you’d disappear” without feeling loss. But! It is kinda on me that I listen to them while I am in the mental state I am, but this is what I know. These are the bands and lyrics I know they’ve helped me get through some really rough times and right now is honestly one of the toughest and roughest times of my life and even the music isn’t always helping. But last night I just wanted to relax and be neutral and I couldn’t find a lot of music to listen to on the drive home. Made for a long 35 min drive.

[theoutlawinme92]

So 2019 has not been my year. But maybe next year will be. I need to keep going keep trying. Look for the good I have in life and follow those things and not focus on the negative. Not easy but it needs to be done.

[theoutlawinme92]

Have you ever been sitting in a place

Waiting for a hand to reach out and help you

But you know that one particular hand isn’t coming

It’s some place else busy being happy

So you sit and want to cry out “I need you”

But you know the reply “I’m sorry”

The amount of hurt that I feel

Is stronger than ever

The fake smile I put on

Its starting to fade

Can’t sleep

Can’t eat

Can’t even take care of myself

On a crash course to the end

I have so much to live for

But yet see none of it

If he chance you read this one day

Please don’t blame yourself...

My shoulders are always big enough

To bare all of life’s burdens...

[theoutlawinme92]

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When sky’s are grey

You don’t know how much dear

How much I love you

So please don’t ever take my sunshine away

[theoutlawinme92]

God dammit

You still haunt my dreams, another one last night....happy with my eyes closed...destroyed when I opened them. Why won’t you go away?

[theoutlawinme92]

We could all go insane with just one bad day...

[theoutlawinme92]

This has got to be a joke...

Never supported or encouraged? Fucking excuse me???? Are you SERIOUS? Must be all I did, all the listening all the giving you feedback on things you talked about. Time and time I listened to you talk about your dad and the bullshit he did. The bullshit that went on at work and everything but I never encouraged or supported you. Then tell me what the actual fuck I did do then? Please because I am severely confused. Never in a million fucking years did I think that all I did would be forgotten. It looks that way. I’m a memory that’s faded away. I bet the chain never broke on that necklace. You just didn’t care to wear it anymore. Fuck you...I’m glad I lost those sunglasses. I’d snap them in half if I could find them.

[theoutlawinme92]

They will cast you out...

Like a Leper...

- Heath Ledgers Joker

[theoutlawinme92]

But I did the same things...

I just don’t get it....what’s the difference? I tried to do the same things...guess it was me after all.

[theoutlawinme92]

But I don’t talk about it

I’m still pretty hurt...

But I don’t talk about it

I still wonder if it was my fault

But I don’t talk about it

I still miss you

But I don’t talk about it

I’m so angry

But I don’t talk about it

Some days I’m very depressed

But I don’t talk about it

I have some many questions

But I don’t talk about it

Because if I talked about it

It’d destroy what’s left of me

[theoutlawinme92]

Nothing...

In the end that’s what I am to you, nothing. Again you left without explanation without reason, not even a word to me! I did my absolute best! And what do I get? Nothing not even so much as a sorry or this is how I feel! No words, just tossed aside. All my friends thought you where great. They told me “don’t let her go” “don’t screw this one up”. But look at you taking pictures of some other guy in your dads shop, I didn’t know you had surgery until tonight when I looked at your posts from the last 6 months. So thank you, thank you for being a tease, thank you for coming into my life walking out coming back again AND WALKING OUT AGAIN! You’ll just be one of these reasons I’m a cold hearted asshole. I have better things to worry about, things I wanted you to be a part of. Share the things that made me proud that I’ve worked so hard for you where there when it all began! I thought it’d make you smile to see me having success this year but you’re no where to be found. I won’t be at the cabin and I won’t be at Kirby’s at all. So you won’t have to look over your shoulder to make sure you don’t have to face someone you hurt like some asshole hurt you. I guess the best medicine for someone whose been hurt is to hurt someone else because I see you’re moving on and doing just fine....even though I’m not. I thought you’d never hurt me...guess I don’t know how to judge someone. I’m glad the place we met is shut down, I just wish I could shut down all the memories that came along with you.