A collection of thoughts best paired with a cup of tea
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What a crazy thing it is to just hold on to memories. A life lived, a story for the ages. We were just two stupid kids who didn’t know anything, but we knew we loved each other and we didn’t have a care in the world otherwise.
I can’t deny I’ve wondered over the years how you’re really doing. It seems you’re doing more than well and you deserved that ending. It is strange to dream about you last night as if to communicate telepathically what could have been if it was meant to be. But the truth is, it just wasn’t, no matter how it could have all played out.
I hope you think of me sometimes. I hope you tell your grandkids one day about the girl you once knew who taught you the meaning of love. The meaning of pain. The meaning of recklessness and childishness. We were children then, and we’re fully grown up now. Complete strangers, with only a past and hazy memories of each other which we‘ve now outgrown.
I have all the pictures still, you know. Only yours I’ve kept. Perhaps because by the time I left it wasn’t painful anymore, I wasn’t in love anymore. It wasn’t hard to go back in time and look at them.
I’ll always remember you fondly. I hope you have the life of your dreams. I always did think you deserved it. I hope you become a great dad one day. I hope you’re the happiest man alive and that you’re in love as ever. I hope it all works out for you. And I hope you never forget me. Because I wont forget you.
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Some people really are just not meant to be in your life in any capacity. I couldn’t receive more blatant signs from God lately. Decisions I’m really not supposed to make will literally just be met with the utmost resistance, and the door closes quick. I’m big into signs, but these aren’t just signs, these are flat out answers.
Thankfully for me I know how to respond to it all. I’m in agreement. I’m on board. I really am in a different stage of my life where I act quick.
I walk away, I take it back, I rescind, I move in a different direction. And I do it in the blink of an eye, with zero remorse.
I’ve never been more in tune with myself, that even when curiosity ever comes knocking at my door, I might open it to see what’s on the other side, but if it’s nothing worth my time, I’m closing it quick.
I just don’t give a fuck anymore and it looks really good on me.
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For the first time in months I’m actually thinking of you. Not even sure why either. Perhaps because we almost had it all? In theory anyway. Although I guess maybe you would’ve had it all. I really don’t think the same could’ve been said for me. Not with you. I just think you felt right in so many ways, it temporarily blinded me. You at 36, me at 30. Building a life. Growing together. Looking next to me to see you right there with me every step of the way. In your arms I felt so safe, mornings waking up next to you, playing house, making dinner, doing everything together like a married couple. And that’s where we fucked up.
Because we skipped straight to the ending. We fell madly in love and acted like we were kindred souls eager to find each other this whole time. And it was magical. While it lasted.
But I couldn’t build a future with you, and I knew it from day one. The skeletons in our closet never gave their blessing. Still I gave it a shot anyway. And while you amazed me every single day, I just knew you weren’t the one. I knew I couldn’t make you the one. Because I’ve never felt that way about anyone before. Because I know just how it goes when you want to pretend otherwise. So I had to leave you.
It was very abrupt, I’ll have to give you that. And you didn’t see it coming. And neither did I. And I didn’t even attempt to soften the blow. And I’m not even sorry either.
I know shit happens, and in a couple months I won’t even remember our relationship. But, I don’t know. I guess it still feels very weird to have lived a whole ass life with you while we were together. One that I really loved, but also needed out of. What a complex mix of emotions.
And if we’re being honest, I know that I’m really downplaying the seriousness of it all because I don’t really want to waste time thinking about you, but I will acknowledge that we were so serious about each other, we really thought we would be endgame somehow. And it’s funny because there was no way in hell the universe would have let that happen to me. And that’s as much as I can elaborate. I don’t know how else to explain it. All I can say is I do miss you, and I do wish it would have been the real thing, but I’m also really glad I didn’t get stuck with you. And that’s all I’ve got.
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07/01/2024
It feels really funny to say that I technically just broke up with someone. I say technically because it’s only been over a month, but to me it feels like forever. One of my coworkers asked me today if I miss cooking with my ex because “we loved that so much”, and to her dismay I told her I barely think about him
Which as soon as I said it surprised me too
I used to be the kind of girl who would ruminate over all the what ifs and memories and the shoulda coulda woulda of it all. The kind of girl who would consider budging for the sake of keeping someone— which we all know in actuality is really just settling.
And now I’m the kind of girl you can only truly disappoint once before I immediately say “I think we should break up”, hang up the phone and go right back to living a super calm life.
And really, really mean it.
But the real secret here is that I’ve simply become the kind of grounded person I always aspired to be when I was young and impressionable and so quick to fall in deep.
All of my teenage years and the majority of my twenties were spent in indecision, in hoping and wishing rather than taking people at face value, in the delusion that you can change people if you love them hard enough.
But now, ever since going through multiple formative experiences, I actually love people better than I ever have before. With every pure intention, every ounce of optimism, acceptance and freedom I can think of. But with the very real understanding that it’s honestly not that deep. The moment you become so deeply rooted in who you are and what you want out of life is the moment you get to really experience life in a peacefully detached way. It’s the moment you realize that love is the freedom to share your life with someone if they add to your happiness, and the freedom to stop the moment they don’t. And that’s all there is to it folks. No hard feelings, no further exchange, just keeping your side of the street clean.
You just go right back to yourself, right back to being happy.
And that brings us to today, the day I remembered I’m supposed to be going through a breakup, I guess— but I’d completely forgotten about it lol
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05/21/2024
As grateful as I am for all the amazing people in my life, I'm actually even more grateful for the people I did not keep in my life.
A lot of the time that's so underrated in the sense that change is scary, and you feel like letting go of someone will leave some type of hole in your life. When to my surprise, letting them go changed my life completely.
Every single person I said goodbye to, I am thankful for. Because if it wasn't for the act of letting them go, I wouldn't know how much of a better version of myself I could become. How wonderful life really feels now. And how much they simply just didn't belong in mine, even if at some point I wished differently.
All the lessons, all the nostalgia, all the memories. Everything. All of it has been an experience that's shaped me for the better. They've helped me bring forth my best self for the people I did choose to keep.
I wouldn't change anything, and for that I thank them endlessly.
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