thenks-mather-for-life

[thenks-mather-for-life]

2 years later and I’m STILL jealous

J is for

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[thenks-mather-for-life]

I’m tired of me

I’m tired of my job

I’m tired of life

Everything is boring

Everything is a drag

Happiness bought with money is fleeting

[thenks-mather-for-life]

J is for

jealousy is a funny thing that curls up deep in my chest and rears its head when i’m feeling at my lowest. I hate it. I hate the way it takes over all my thoughts, turning positive into negative and making feel even lower than ever. I used to think it was a silly thing, an immature person’s way of feeling, something a rational mind would not stoop to but i was wrong. 

I need to fuel these negative emotions into making myself a better person. This cannot go on, I musn’t go on feeling this awful gnawing at another persons blessings and blaming myself for my bad decisions.  

[thenks-mather-for-life]

28 march 2015

i’m on the verge of crying because i screwed up my html exam. the part i thought i would get most marks in. instead of <input type> i wrote <style input>. For some stupid reason i just blanked out completely. 

I’m crying for real now this really sucks. I almost cried in the middle of the street when i was making my way back. 

I really need something to get me through this.

On a smaller (but not happier) note, everyone cancelled their plans with me this weekend. It sucks because i tend to get really depressed on sunday and going out helps take my mind off whatever that gets me depressed (something that i have yet to find out)

Work wise, i’m lagging behind and i don’t know how many datelines i’ve missed. My boss keeps reminding me of the dateline for the guidelines and i’m 4 months late. I guess i’m just not hardworking enough and I really have to buck up.  

Something I just realized about my weight gain 2 years ago — school made me really sad. For about a month after FYP, i just sat at home stuffing my face and playing sims 3. Those were pretty low times and I didn’t even realize it at that point. I musn’t allow myself to fall into this pit of unknowing despair ever again. It’s crazy, I probably gained about 13 kg in that time. It’s crazy! I suffered so much during secondary school to lose all that weight but gained it back in such a short period of time. Honestly the amount of issues that came from that dieting during secondary school is ridiculous. I’m still not completely over any of them and I wish they would just go away but I guess it takes time.  

[thenks-mather-for-life]

New Year New Post - 2/01/2015

My university orientation is today! I sound excited but I really am not...right now i'm filled with apprehension mixed with a little fear and anxiety. Doing a bachelor's degree in computer science is the last thing i'd have expected myself to do and I don't know if I will be able to keep up with all this new information...and work at the same time. I haven't told my friends about this though...I don't really feel like telling them about it. In fact, I don't feel like telling anyone about it. It's so strange how one moment I want to share everything I have going on with my life and another moment I don't want to talk to anyone about anything. 

Went on a total social media blackout for the last week...and now I don't even feel like looking at my phone. Wish I could feel a little more enthusiastic about the new year but I really can't bring myself to. But I'll try.

[thenks-mather-for-life]

this is dumb but i rly miss talking to you. i can't believe it i've only met you once and i already miss your texts it's so annoying 

[thenks-mather-for-life]

7/12/14

It's a Sunday night.

I have just eaten dinner, and just come back from watching Interstellar with my family. I planned this post in my head but blanked out the moment I started typing.

I think I'm going through a little bit of depression now. Interstellar made me cry so much more than usual but I don't feel better. I've been watching movies the whole week every night and I kept getting the feeling of wanting to cry but never being able to, even at really sad scenes. I cried in bed twice last week and I still don't know why. Not because of the movies though, just because of this inexplicable sadness in my chest. I've also been very tired the entire week although I slept about 7 - 8 hours a day. At least I can still get out of bed. 

I went out last night and had fun at this really cool bar. I hate the feeling of not wanting to go home but wanting to go home at the same time. I always regret having a night out but if I don't go out, I feel pathetic and if I do, I just regret. Then again, I said a bunch of stupid things last night so that might be my cause of regret. 

I don't feel like going out again but I know that I don't mean that. I want to delete all my social media accounts in this fit of sudden melancholy. I look at my possessions but they don't matter and I know I don't mean that. I spent a ton of money on sales but it doesn't matter. I don't even care about the things that I have bought. I don't know why I spent that money. 

I'm losing my sense of self. Who am I? What do I like? What am I? I can't figure it out and it bothers me. Friends? Family? Everything is in disconnect. I have a longing to go back home but I'm already home. What does that mean? Why am I behaving in this manner? So many questions that I don't have to answers to and that bothers me. A lot. I look at my physical self and I don't recognize that face. I feel like a nebulous being made of atmospheric gases that cannot be physically contained but that clearly isn't the case. It hit me two weeks ago that I will never be happy with the person I am, mentally and physically. I hate that. 

I want to wipe all traces of my existence but I know that I don't mean that. 

[thenks-mather-for-life]

23/11/14

the weather is making me feel really anxious and depressed. send help.

[thenks-mather-for-life]

im such a linguistics nerd so i just started thinking of when you start talking to someone new online and you have to learn all their personal tone indicators and what :) or any other smilie actually means to them and how after a while you can tell when something is wrong just because they type something differently than normal and we all just learn and adapt to this type of communication so quickly to make these wonderful online friendships and its kind of amazing

[thenks-mather-for-life]

[thenks-mather-for-life]

20/10/14

Dear me, I need to tell myself to take my time and take it easy with the weight loss. By easy meaning that I don't end up hating myself for not losing fast enough, or feeling like shit because I've been trying but the results are slow. Put your health and enjoyment for the lifestyle first...think of weight loss as the secondary achievement, and that the real goal here is to be fit and healthy. You're still learning to love yourself and that's good. It's hard to slow down and stop hating yourself....your physical and mental self. You want that confidence to be real, and not some farce that you've put up that comes crumbling down in private. If people don't notice the weight loss, it's okay. You aren't here for their enjoyment and you don't need their validation to be confident. It's frustrating when you're trying and nobody sees it, but just keep in mind that you're doing everything for yourself and nobody should put you down for that. You can feel the difference in your body and that's great! It just takes time to grow out of that shell you've been hiding in, and you should be happy during that growth. Being unhappy is just another recipe for low self confidence and false fronts. Hope you feel better about yourself!

[thenks-mather-for-life]

you: hey isozyme, what do you want most in this world?

me: project runway AUs in every fandom

[thenks-mather-for-life]

i hate it i feel like crying after i wake up

let's hope it doesn't continue throughout the day

[thenks-mather-for-life]

i'm so tired but i can't sleep...my eyes are so tired and i constantly feel like crying

i thought i'd be able to sleep in since it's a saturday but i ended up waking up even earlier to do work. i'm just so tired and sad

[thenks-mather-for-life]

All my insecurities are flooding me i need to find ways to cope

The self confidence i've been trying to build up for the past year is just crumbling down and i feel awful. Even my acid reflux is coming back and that's a sign of stress for me.

[thenks-mather-for-life]

i had kind of a shit afternoon because the alpaca girls were questioning me about my sexuality and i was doing a shit job of explaining it...and i got so annoyed at alcie saying i that i was asexual??? Like didn't i just say that i do experience romantic attraction but to a lesser degree??? which part of that constitutes to asexual? if anything, i would be aromantic or demi romantic? Also i'm trying to figure myself out so just...stop..trying to put labels on me rn. I really hate people asking about my orientation and stuff so please....stop....because i don't identify easily with mainstream orientations and it makes me uncomfortable to talk about it to a whole bunch of people at a lunch table. Plus this whole topic is a goldmine of insecurities for me so this is just great because it's just triggered a whole load of insecurities and i'm feeling incredibly shit and depressed about everything rn and i'm gonna binge eat a bowl of noodles at 12:30am. Fuck this whole day seriously. 

I really must remember that i'm not obligated to answer anyone's questions about my sexuality. i feel like crying because all my insecurities that i've tried so hard to put away are just coming back because of one shitty conversation

[thenks-mather-for-life]

healthy-gazelle reblogged your post Sometimes when i talk to others about ... and added:

Keep going! You know what you are doing and that’s all that matters! If it’s any consolation, I get friends...

thanks for the encouragement! i know we shouldn't let others get to us but i was just kinda annoyed for a little while :c