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Someone
Well... I'm back.
assume this post is about you. Yes. You.
funny... someone seems to be you. nahh... wrong
Someone. We like to be someone else because we have our own insecurities in our goddamn life. Don’t blame yourself, its natural.... act natural. I had watched movies, series, teleseryes... Every heroic or maybe something that we claimed to be very best or maybe in differs... being strong... maybe. Wow just wow. I never thought you’d be that character you saw by your naked eyes.. oh please. Bare with me.
trust me. when I say no its no..
you can’t be someone else come on....
you are you...
this is nonsense
all I want to say is love how everything seems to fucked up and a messed...
you’ll be them; you’ll get used to it.
[Bye]
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Confession
I have to be honest with everyone, I am being suicidal and everything I see is completely negative. Last night, I tried wound myself up just to feel if im still alive. I don’t think and I don’t believe that im being depressed. Maybe I am stressed but not depressed. I can’t consider myself without any proofs. I don’t want to say im depressed just because I want to be in. I think if I said that it is just because this society and others are now opening their depression to others. No. I don’t consider myself depressed. I just want you to know whether im stressed or what, I am being sucidal. But once I told my friend that I was depressed, after that, I realized maybe im not. I dont want to consider myself depressed. I may sounds so weird and a mess but its real. I don’t know what kind of mental illness I own. I just give up and forget what made me happy. Last time I check, I am laughing with korni jokes just for them not to noticed how my eyes felt sad about this goddamn society; what it felt to itself. I always tell myself or asked rather “what is happening to me?”. When I was young, I am very optimistic person but that eventually changed. You read it right. I changed. Things were negative. I dont see any positivities on my insides. I feel like sometimes, my dna contains negativity. Well, you can’t blame me.
My friends told me to take a rest. Rest means differently to me. Rest means death. I dont want to rest. I am still fighting. Yesternight, I was crying. I did talked to my friends. One said, I should rest or go maybe to a far places where I could find my soul and my heart. One said, it is just a struggle. I shouldn’t give up.
I could go to give myself time and space but when? I am not on my legal age. I couldn’t travel without any guardian or what. Second, yes it is struggle but it is eating me alive.
Currently status: fighting. I am trying to advocate myself. Yes. Myself. Not anyone but myself. I am so fucked up and a messed I can’t give up just like that. I am complicating things but I want to fixed it. I always tried to be happy but always faked it. I did blame this fucked up society for molding me. Actually, you did nothing. It is just me only me.
I am okay. I am always okay. I never been better.
See I lied again.
I always tell myself to be better. I never forgot that. It is always on my mind. Suicidal thoughts of me made me feel so little and unworth it. I dont know where this came from. I woke up one day, I had this. Forget about my sadness. You’ll be tired listening. Don’t be guilty. I want this. Dont be doubtful on saying how messed I am. I aways want the truth but it was never for me. I decided to tucked myself always thinking. I washed the dishes thinking how awful am I. To my surprised I finished it without complaining. When I was a little young, I complained about it. I am lazy. Now im capable to do things without noticing it. Either I did better or did the worst. Mostly worst.
What’s happening to me. I once felt happy and realized everything was just fake. Faked by me.
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Once I tried to write my happy feelings on a book full of truths, I was denied.
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"I tried to save someone else but couldn't help to think why I didn't save myself. In the first place, I also need saving"
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"Deep oceans tried to reached out. We were lost in an alley where the soul of dead people tried to make us alive"
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