thenamesemma

[thenamesemma]

TW!! - body image, ed

I feel like at some point in your life you will experience struggles with body image. Especially now that social media is more predominant and so many more people are using it daily now. More kids these days, are prone to struggles with body image due to social media but that could also be down to bullying or comparing themselves around others. Society is more judgmental about the way in which they see others, they point out every little detail. The way someone looks, the way someone acts, the way they dress, things that others have no control over. Body image is perceived by personal perspective, the way you see your body and the way you feel about it – is down to your own mind. As someone who has struggled with body image, I feel like it’s a topic that isn’t spoken about much for both men and women. Society has been made to feel like our weights are the only thing that defines us, and that's not true.

We’ll call body image Steve. I grew up with Steve, he’s seen me at my best and at my worst. He told me what I could and what I couldn’t eat. He told me when I was at my skinniest that I was fat. For my whole life Steve has told me how I should feel about MY body. Everyone’s met Steve at some point, Steve’s told others how they should feel about THEIR bodies. The way people view their bodies determines on how they actually perceive it. If Steve tells you that you look fat in baggy clothes or if you look skinny in tight clothes, you’re going to believe it. Humans believe what others say, some just have a better way of hiding than others. Growing up having weight comments thrown at you from left and right really impacted the way I view my body. Most days there are times where I feel so fat I don’t to eat, and there are times where I feel like I've lost so much weight, that I am finally happy with how I look. But Steve comes creeping in with his views, and says how fat I am and that affects me. But what hurts more than Steve calling me fat I think, is when my parents say I'm fat. I could be having a really good day, feeling positive about my body – then my mum comes to me with “oh you’ve put on some weight” or “you don’t need to eat that”. My own mum commenting on my body even though she knows I struggle with body image and my relationship with food. Or when my gran says that I should be skinnier than my mum. I used to be, then my mum lost a ton of weight. And I'm trying to recover from my ed and not be embarrassed by the way I look. And she tells me that I need to be a fucking size 6 instead of a size 10.

Social media plays a big part in body image and the way society sees each other nowadays. So many models and famous influencers are encouraging skinny summer bods. Which for many teenagers includes starving themselves or purging after every meal. And although this helps for the most part, the during and aftermath are not worth doing it for. You constantly feel cold, you struggle to eat anything. You live off gum and water for most of the week. You feel guilty after every meal, yeah you have the perfect body. But your mind is something it’s never been before. Every time you pick up a piece of food, you hear a voice in your head saying “this has ___ many calories” or “you’re going to regret eating that” “if you eat this, you’ll never be skinny again”. There’s a constant battle of wanting to look good, but wanting to heal your head and wanting to get rid of the demon that’s stopped you from being a teenager. You see others eating doughnuts or pizza. But you think “if I eat that, I'm going to have throw it up” or “you’re a fat pig if you decide to eat that”. And when you’re with friends who have an ideal body. And mention how they’re “too fat” it makes you spiral. Because you think well if they think they’re fat, then am I a hippo to them? You see many influencers put their food diaries and workouts on the internet. And you try them out and when it doesn’t work, you feel like utter crap. You wonder why it worked for other people but not you. “You’d draw out in sharpie where you’d take the scissors” you’d duct tape the “flabby” parts of my body, just so you could look at yourself in the mirror and feel good about yourself. You’d buy an XXL in clothes even if you were a S or M just so you could look at myself without having to pick out every fat part of your body. You’d sit alone at lunch in the bathroom or in a different room, so no one would see how little or how much you ate – and they couldn’t comment on the way you looked. You’d look at the calorie count and ingredient list of every food you ate, and calculate how much you should eat – and how little food you could eat if you went by that. You’d wear corsets or “flab tightening” shorts, just so you could trick my mind into thinking you were skinny even though you were. I’m 16 and thinking that people only cared about my body. That my weight defined me, but if people knew what I actually went through – they wouldn’t be so quick to point out every “unflattering” thing about me. Your clothes are supposed to fit you, you’re not meant to fit into your clothes!