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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Broken Heart Day 4

I'm so anxious right now. We talked for a bit this morning and it was great. Then he had to go cause a number was calling him and then I went to breakfast and missed his call. When I was done I called him and we were fine until I mentioned the text I sent him. I sent him a text about maybe being more verbal and expressive. Like complimenting me and stuff.. He seemed sad and said he just was trying to keep it friendly and PG. I laughed and said sure and he became really down and asked to go and sleep...

He isn't making any sense. One moment he seems like he wants me and stuff and then another he shuts it down. I don't know anymore.

I went to The Who Shop today and bought a few items. I'm not in love with the wallet but whatever. I'm so exhausted. My grandma won't let me go to bed cause she wants us to sleep through the night. We ate at a ramen place and it was okay. I didn't like the broth and like everything revolves around the flavor of the broth. She liked the broth though.

I've been trying not to think about him all day today which I hard but I'm managing. I keep working he's gonna block me like Jacob did. But he promised not to leave me so I guess I have that going for me. I don't know. I really just want to marry him but what if I'm just crazy ya know? What if he is starting to not care about me anymore. What if he thinks I'm annoying and crazy. I don't wanna go down that rabbit hole tonight though. Too tired.

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Broken Heart Day 3

We talked for over an hour this morning. I called him around 5:30 am my time. I was in and out of sleep since the fire alarm went off this morning at like 1 am. It went off for a few minutes and then stopped. It woke me up from a nightmare so that was fun. So my grandma kinda woke me up at 5:30 and made coffee. I called him and apparently he had JUST gotten off a phone call too so he picked up immediately.

I just talked with Jacob. He really likes me. And I've started to fall for him a bit. But my heart is set on Kolman. But what if Kolman doesn't like me like that. What if he doesn't want me? But if he does, then Jacob and I don't want to do anything to hurt Kolman. We both love him dearly. We wouldn't want any harm to go his way. Especially caused by us. Jacob is calling him right now and is gonna talk to him and I am so scared right now. I don't want his answer to be that he doesn't want me. But I don't know if I want it to be that he does want me. I wish that Jacob and Kolman were one. I love how open and verbal Jacob is but I also love how attractive and physical and respectful and loving and just perfect Kolman is. He just isn't verbal and doesn't give me as much time as Jacob does. But Kolman has been getting better. but Jacob wants to settle down as fast as I do. Kolman is afraid to do that. But iI am too but I want to get married young and have that security and everything I guess. I wanna live and stuff and then settle down later and have kids. Kolman wants to have kids very young and I want to wait. Jacob is nerdy like me and appreciates it unlike Kolman.... I don't know, I don't know!!!

I'm listening to Nightcall by Kavinsky on repeat... It's calming in a way. It really is a good song.

I should be so excited to meet my internet best friend and do Doctor Who stuff today but this is all stuck in my head and it's so torturous. I want this over with. I want to forget about this right now. I want this to be settled. But it's not. I don't want to love him so much but I do. It's so crazy. I wish he felt the same way about me.

He just texted me he didn't think we were gonna work out and I'm kind of prepared for that so I am kind of doing counter arguments. I'm kind of hurt because he isn't making any sense at all. He keeps saying one thing and then does things that say something completely different. I want things to work out. I'd rather have him then Jacob. Fuck this. This sucks but I can't cry. He is gonna change his mind. I don't know. I think he is just scared. I don't know.. I want Kolman. He has a piece of me. I don't want to lose him. I wanna marry him. I just don't understand.

Jacob blocked me on messenger. Said he was done liking me. Idk what's up with him.

Kolman and I didn't really talk about our situation. We will figure it out later.

I met Eliza today! It was amazing! We shopped around and had a tea and then hung back at my hotel for a bit. I'm sooo tired.

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Broken Heart Day 2

My grandmother is annoyed I've talked so much with him today. It feels nice to talk to him. I love his voice. Today we talked about the marks he left on my breasts-hickies. Now I don't like hickies but for some reason I like the fact he marked his territory. Plus they don't hurt. I want him to leave more marks when we do things again but I don't know if we will ever do things again. I think we will. I'm sitting here reading in my hotel room but I can't think. This anxiety consumes me. I keep thinking about him. It's really annoying.

We talked about how it takes him a while to become attached. Without attachment he can't make love or be gentle. And I guess I thought maybe he saw me as a hooker because he was rough. He said that I wasn't. It felt nice. I want to kiss him again. I want to spend the night with him again. I want to be with him again. Hopefully his car is fixed and he can pick me up. Although he doesn't have a proper bathroom (he has an outhouse) I'll live. Though I want to shower with him one day. We've seen each other naked already anyways. It just feels right with him.

I feel like showering together would be fun. We wouldn't even have to do anything. I feel like it would just be an interesting experience ya know? Maybe I'll sneak him over when no one is home and we can shower together. Maybe when my sister and Mom are working. I don't wanna do it to be disrespectful. I just want to live.

I feel like I've had more freedom at my mom's house. I feel more welcomed. I feel WANTED. Maybe it's because I have friends there. But I mean I could have had sex there and there was no shame. I don't think I could ever tell my dad and step mom I spent the night with Kolman. I'd get sighs. I don't want that. I want to make my own decisions especially when it comes to boys. I trust this man. He hasn't taken advantage of me and he won't. What he feels for me is the closest thing he can to love right now. He just can't get attached to me right now which is fine I guess.

I told him I can't have sex with him. It would tear me apart. I want to make love to him. But he isn't capable of that right now. I need security in order to give myself completely to someone and I don't have that complete security right now. I don't know if he will leave me. But our timelines fit right so far. Each of us will be busy for 2 years and also, he should be closer to me and we can fly and see each other for like weekends or something. I'm in love with him. He knows it too.

I've been looking at people smoking cigarettes and I've been wanting one. The idea of it seems nice. But then I think of the health isssued and everything and I think against it. I don't wanna ruin my singing voice. I kinda like it. Ya know? He doesn't want me to get involved with cigarettes like he has. He's gonna quit but quitting is hard. He has been on and off them for a while now.

I just told my parents about the smoking and sleeping with Kolman and they seemed chill so that's good.

I told him I'd wait for him today and he said he wasn't gonna hold me to it. I told him he will never find anyone like me. No one will ever love him harder, faster, or more than I love him. I made that clear. He told me he wouldn't mind if I found someone new but I don't want to. I want him. I told him I was scared he'd find someone and he said that wasn't gonna happen. But idk if he meant that.

My eyes are in and out of focus. I'm trying to read and my anxiety is killing me. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. Why won't it stop. I want to be normal. That's all I want ya know? I don't want to rely on medication that doesn't even work half the time. I hate this. I hate this so much. I can't think straight. I can't think about anything right now. I mean I can think of him and also how much I hate myself and the fact my eyes are in and out of focus and the fact I'm not hungry even though I should be. I'm anxious that I won't be able to eat dinner which makes things worse. I just want to read. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep next to him. It's so calming. I want to kiss him. I want him to be here. I want him to hold me. I want HIM. Why does this have to be so hard? I'm OBSESSED. Make it stop. Please.

My anxiety goes away for a bit and then comes right back when I'm reading. It's odd. My left eye is blurry and dry and it's annoying. Maybe I should take more anxiety meds. I'm sweating. For no reason. I'm not even hot. Maybe I am. Maybe I should take it off. But then I'll be cold because of the sweat. I don't want to take meds. I want to talk to someone. I want to talk to my psych but I can't right now. I'm alone with my thoughts and that's rough. No one understands them like he does. I trust him. I could listen to music but I don't have my calming songs on my phone and so I need to grab my laptop and put music on my phone but the thing is it's charging and all the way across the room.

I tried to eat at a pub. The pizza was gross. I also bought my first alcoholic drink. A hard cider. Tbh it wasn't that good. What's the big deal with alcoholic beverages anyways? They don't even taste that good. Maybe it's the fact you can get wasted. Cigarettes don't taste good but people smoke them. Weed apparently is shit but people still smoke it. I don't understand people.

Listening to music and I'm calming down. Though my grandma keeps talking and it fucking pisses me off for no reason. Im very thankful she even took me to London. I don't know. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Broken Heart Day 1

I smoked more cigarettes. I wanted to do something to dull the pain. I miss him. He is still my friend. He's my best friend. I'm his good friend, because his best friends are like siblings and it would be weird if he was sexually attracted to his sister. I keep having day dreams about him. His smile and laugh. He is so handsome. I love his lips on mine. He said I was the best kisser he has ever kissed. That makes me blush. He's been with so many women, but I stood out from the crowd. I'm memorable. I'm always afraid of being forgotten.

The memories of us in his bed and in the guest bed of his friends house are haunting me. Feeling so close. I think my favorite part was cuddling. Him pulling me close as his warm body heat surrounds me... It's something of dreams. His head between my thighs... It just felt so right. Ive only been naked in front of one other man and he raped me. It took a lot to take off my clothes for him. It took a lot to let him do things to me. But I don't regret any second of it. I think I only regret not enjoying it as much as I should have. I don't regret giving him a piece of me. I feel like he deserves it. He has been there for me and has made me feel so beautiful and amazing that I am happy I gave him a piece of me. He makes me feel validated and he isn't gonna abandon me. He deserves it. He hated breaking my heart. He said it felt like he was being torn from the inside out. (Something like that I don't remember the exact words). I saw him hold back tears. He couldn't sleep after doing that to me. He heard me wail. He saw me break. It hurt him so much. He never wanted to do that to me.

Jacob (his friend) told him that it was obvious I was head over heels for him and that he wished someone felt that way for him. Jacob kind of envies him.

My heart still aches. But I'm on my way to London. I'll keep busy. But even then I know I'll still think of him.

I want to wait for him. I'll be so busy with school and work.. but I don't wanna waste my time waiting on someone who doesn't want me. But he does want me. He told me. He told me he wanted me. He just can't be with me right now. He's not the man I deserve. He said I deserved a stable man who can answer the phone whenever and be there whenever I needed them. Maybe he's right. But I want him. I don't care.

He is haunting my mind. I'm on a plane and everything reminds me of him. It hurts. I'm so scared. I'm scared of him hating me all of a sudden. I'm scared of losing him. I'm terrified of losing him. If I had it my way he would be the last man I ever said I love you to. It would be his words. His words for keeping. No one else could steal them from him. I have never felt like this before. I want him so badly. These thoughts just don't stop. I would tear the universe apart just to be with him. I love him. I love everything about him. I love him. He knows it. He should. I've told him many many times. He needs to hear it. He needs to know. I'm not trying to shove my feelings down his throat. I want him to know I love him. I don't want him to feel unloved. If you tell someone something enough times eventually they will believe it. So I will tell him I love him until I no longer can.

He wants to be in the military and that frightens me even more. I don't want him to die. The thought scares me so much I can hardly breathe. But if that's what he wants I will not stop him. I just wish he would be with me and then join. Because that way he wouldn't have to live in dorms or anything. He would have someone to come home to. He would have a home with a family.

We talked while I was in Iceland.. he seemed so happy to talk to me which was new. I didn't expect him to sound so interested. He made time for me. He made me smile. He even asked when he could contact me again! I don't know. I worry about him a lot. I love him. I want to make him happy. I want him to be okay. He was playing Poker with Jacob and some friends. They were going to go to Fred Meyer East.. which was WAY out of the way for them. I don't know what those holligans are up to now but I bet it's stupid.

I wonder if he thinks of me as much as I think of him. The thought of him usually crosses my mind. Sitting here on this plane makes me think of him. Traveling makes me think of him. It just makes me miss him. I want him here with me. I thought about traveling but he wants kids and travel and kids don't go well together. It would be hard. I told him to marry me by 22 and we'd start trying for kids at 26. He wants kids early in life. But I don't. I don't wanna rush things. I want to be financially stable and also want to live. I don't like kids. Ive started to really dislike them. Which is hard when I'm supposed to be having his kids for him. I want one... ONE. And I want it via surrogacy but he wants three MIMIMUM and he wants them to be carried by his wife. Id be willing to have one myself.. I really want one kid maximum. Because it's easier. But I guess 2 isnt the end of the world. 3 would be a nightmare. Maybe I'll talk him out of it. It will take a lot of patience though.

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Broken Heart Day 0

I had my last kiss with the man I love today. He broke my heart. It hurt like hell. I smoked a whole cigarette. Never done that before. It hurts so much I'm bawling my eyes out. Right before then I had a panic attack about th conversation. And I blame myself for it. I should have acted fine. We would be having fun and laughing. I'd be spending the night. I feel like it's my fault. But he said it wasn't. He told me he wanted me. But he's not the man I deserve right now. That maybe later in the future, when he was better, we could be more than friends. I cried and cried and cried. He heard me wailing as his friend put me to bed. Trying to console me. It's a long story. Maybe I'll explain tomorrow when I'm not sick from nicotine.

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Perfect nose (draw it yourself) on We Heart It - http://weheartit.com/s/yCgoSK5T

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Here is a link to my previous post about eyes and its follow up. Also two older thingies I did about noses from a while ago.

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Artist’s Guide to Human Types:

http://i.imgur.com/CaIwppG.jpg

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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bullet journal ideas

winter’s the perfect time to scrapbook and write ideas into your bullet journal! here are a few ideas for you if you’re in need of inspiration!

Christmas recipes

movies to watch (fantastic beasts and where to find them!!!!)

books to read

shows to watch (personal recommendation: the crown)

Christmas wish list

songs/albums to listen to

plant care guide

topics to self-study

motivational quotes page (i have a few on my blog)

bucket list

what am I working for? (motivation page)

things that make me happy

where do I want to be in 5 years?

pretty color palettes

favourite drinks

favorite food/snacks

cities to travel to

stationery wishlist

habit tracker

movie/book quotes

places you want to go to with your friends

2017 release dates of stuff you like

ideas for doodling/drawing

tips for time management

goals for your studyblr

“dog page” where you count all the doggies you saw every day

books I’ve read in December/January/insert month/year

online shopping hauls

letter to your past or future self!

playlists!! for a certain mood or situation

grade tracker

page to try out your new washi tape, pen, marker, etc.

handwriting practice/calligraphy

birthdays + possible presents

list of your friends and their best qualities

you + your friends MBTI types

sort your friends into Hogwarts houses!

mood chart

a sentence a day

plot ideas

character ideas

cryptography

beautiful words to use more often

untranslatable words!!

“friend pages” where your friends write stuff in

your favourite feelings, smells and fabrics

fashion inspiration

textbooks to buy

Hopefully, this is helpful for some of you, if you have any more ideas, just add it on here. I know that finals are hard, but they’re soon to be over, so don’t give up!!

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Some Photoshop Tips

I’ve been getting quite a few asks about the process for the patterns in my stylized artworks, so I decided to put together a couple of tips regarding them.

Firstly, what you need are

— CUSTOM BRUSHES —

Most of the patterns I use are custom brushes I made, such as those:

For the longest time I was convinced making brushes must be super extra complicated. I was super extra wrong. All you need to start is a transparent canvas (2500px x 2500px max):

This will be your brush tip. When you’re satisfied how it looks, click Ctrl+A to select the whole canvas and go to ‘define brush preset’ under the edit menu

You will be asked to name your new glorious creation. Choose something that describes it well, so you can easily find it between all the ‘asfsfgdgd’ brushes you’ve created to be only used once

This is it. Look at it, you have just created a photoshop brush. First time i did I felt like I was cheated my whole life. IT’S SO EASY WHY HASN’T ANYONE TOLD ME

Time to edit the Good Boi to be more random, so it can be used as a Cool Fancy Pattern. Go into brush settings and change whatever you’d like. Here’s a list of what I do for patterns:

- under Shape Dynamics, I increase Size Jitter and Angle jitter by 5%-15%

- under Brush Tip Shape, I increase spacing by a shitload. Sometimes it’s like 150%, the point is to get the initial brush tip we painted to be visible.

- If I want it to look random and noisy, I enable the Dual Brush option, which acts like another brush was put on top of the one we’ve created. You can adjust all of the Dual Brush options (Size, Spacing, Scatter, Count) as you wish to get a very nice random brush to smear on your backgrounds

The result is as above. You can follow the same steps to create whatever brush you need: evenly spaced dots that look like you painted them by hand, geometric pattern to fill the background, a line of perfectly drawn XDs and so on.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

— PATHS —

But what if you want to get lots of circles made of tiny dots? Or you need rows of triangles for your cool background? Photoshop can do all of that for you, thanks to the magic of paths.

Typically, paths window can be found right next to Layers:

Draw whatever path you want, the Shape Tool has quite a bit of options. Remember, paths are completely different from brush strokes and they won’t show up in the navigator. To move a path around, click A to enable path selection tool. You can use Ctrl+T to transform it, and if you move a path while pressing Alt it will be duplicated.

Now, pick a brush you wish really was in place of that path you’ve drawn and go to layers, then choose the layer you want it to be drawn on. Then, click this tiny circle under the Paths window:

Then witness the magic of photoshop doing the drawing for you while you wonder how tf have you managed to forget about this option for the past 2 years

You can combine special brushes and paths for all sorts of cool effects. I mostly use them in backgrounds for my cards, but you can do whatever you want with them.

I hope that answers the questions for all of the people who were sending me inquires about the patterns. If you have any questions regarding this or any other Photoshop matter feel free to message me, I’m always up for complaining about how great and terrible Photoshop is C’:

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thenameisrad-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Hey z-raid, would you have any tutorial or advice on drawing a kiss?

I’m really bad at drawing kissing but uh here’s something!