themisophoniamaid

[themisophoniamaid]

I suppose the question is now- am i just a troubled teen with too much on her mind or am i actually in need or mental help? I am going to see a therapist soon and am scared they will judge me but i also believe they will change me drastically and a small part of me does not want that. Therefore, i am writing this so that i can look back and see the way i once was and can go back if i feel it becomes that necessary. I know it seems crazy, how can a life that causes me this much anger be appealing? Well it's simple, i have made it so that i hate everything so much other than a few things- mostly just complete quiet and also being alone. These things make me extremely happy when i compare it to the hate sounds cause me and it makes me never want it to go away, what if i never feel this amount of happiness again?? I think i would be missing out if it disappeared forever but i also consider the thought of living a normal Netflix person's life, one where i can make it through a lecture and not walk out because the girl next to me is doing something so innocent like typing or chewing gum. I want to live a life with other people the way they do, to be able to spend the night at a guys house because i can handle their snoring. I could go on with all of the things that would change in my life- and i will just to prove a point- but mainly i want you to understand that it was not an easy decision to share this. It was hard to admit that i needed to change, that needing to change meant i have a problem, and that the only way i could accomplish this was to get help.

[themisophoniamaid]

Looking back on that part of my life i am proud of my improvement but while re reading this i feel stupid. I honestly do not think i have misophonia and i feel so dumb for succumbing to such childish coping mechanisms but that is when i turn my head to the side and just consider why else would i do that. I really did fixate my life on how much sounds bothered me and convinced myself i could make them go away through pain from a blade and being bone thin. I see now that it is extremely untrue but also cannot help but to think that if i lived my life that way and got through it i must have been strong and i know that i can make it through again. Because yes, i have fallen back into a dark place in my life and have not turned to those types of activities to dissipate the anger which fumes from my head everytime i hear the lawn guys start up their mowers but instead react differently. Now i just barricade myself in my room and have developed the worst habits, in some terms worse than the prior mentioned. I try to avoid human contact at all costs. This includes texting, school, the gym, work, family time, going out to eat, walking the dog, literally any activity you mention i can give you ten sound related reasons why i would not want to be involved. I would rather be in my room in my bed with my headphones in my ears deflecting all sound waves possible. I just sit and blast music or put on Netflix and binge watch shows while getting stoned to the extent of slow motion movement. Anything I can take that will dull my pain sound causes and will also mute the outside world calling to me, begging me to get out of bed and do things with my life. I can feel my body is now weak with almost zero muscle because i cannot convince myself to go to the gym because of the fear of slamming weights and beeping machines. Even my loud mouth breathing that cardio causes makes me cringe and further convinces me the only place i should be is in my controlled environment. So i just sit in my deteriorating body watching netflix shows just fantasizing about how different my life could be if it dident revolve around avoiding sounds outside my room. It really is sad how little i interact with people. I can barely being myself to reply to texts in fear people will ask me to hangout because i will have to make up some lie which keeps me from going. This has led to another large problem in my life- compulsive lying. I have evolved myself to compulsive liar because of all the excuses i make to avoid going out into the world with infinite sounds which worry me indefinitely. Not only do i lie about not going out but now about everything. It is turning me into a horrible untrustworthy person that i hate. I really hate myself for making the excuses and lying about literally everything, i even lie to myself and i am having trouble living with a person like this. I am currently typing this with the biggest frown on my face that if it got turned upside down you would think i just won a million dollars. I am trying to accept that I lie and am working to break this horrible habit but instead of telling the truth for some reason my mind now finds it easier to lie. Every average person knows that is not the case at all, keeping up with the lies is impossible and it leads to the worst situations and then leads to me not having any friends i can deal with, not just because of the sounds, and then i end up alone and in my room convincing myself this is where i am happy. I think i have turned into a psychopath or some kind of person with a corrupt mind because nobody in their right mind should be as happy as i am when i get into my room at the end of the day and to be in this environment which i know i can control and finally calm down in. I need to have my room cleaned the exact way i do it and my music on the right sound level and only playing the right sounds which i know by heart and have nothing outside my windows or doors leaking their abrupt sounds into my happy space. At night i try my hardest to eventually put down the computer with the fake people on Netflix which i wish i could be and fall asleep but that is when other components of the world come to light. The noises of neighbors air conditioners spin in my head, the sound of the dishwasher, the fountain out front, the buzz of the lights next door and on the porch, the cars passing by and worst of all the planes.  With this list I can further plead the case of me being insane because insane people tend to be paranoid and that i certainly am. I have myself convinced that the numbers of planes that fog up my ears with their annoying jet buzz multiply at night. During the day there will be a few, maybe two or three total, but every night around 11 PM there is a constant sound of jets flying across the sky and it could simply be explained by the higher number of flights at night or the obvious fact that during the day there are a ton of other sounds my ears are focused on but knowing me i feel that i would be able to identify that type of annoying sound even during the day. But an alternative is that they are spy jets, all doing recon on us at night because nobody is up to notice, but honestly not that normal people tend to notice that type of thing anyway. The government spies on us anyway, that is not a secret, but i just get a type of sense of being watched when i hear those planes fly by and it makes me very uncomfortable and my mind races for a way to escape and i turn to smoking to dull the sounds. I know it is no it good for me but it is now legal in FL medically and i do really feel that my needs are borderline medical necessity. The way I describe what my ears soak in during the night leads me to another source of restfulness- myself. I keep my mind up for hours because there is a voice that rambles on in my head untill somehow my clouded mind falls into a short and stressful sleep. I think my mind never sleeps and it stresses myself out because when i wake up i have the feeling that somebody gets when they finish with a really hard math test that took them hours, or something like the SATS (somebody who actually tried and dident just plug their ears trying not to hear the ticking or the clock and the sounds of other humans being so close to me) and it is very uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that when i wake up with a pounding headache i am already in a terrible mood and do not want to encounter any sounds because my patients are spread so thin. In summary- i get almost to none sleep and when i do it is painful and it leads to me staying up late and feeling close to nonfunctioning in the morning.

[themisophoniamaid]

During class every click on a calculator or keyboard, every buzz of a large light on the ceiling, every tap on a desk by the girl with long acrylics, these actions sound familiar to you but they became my worst enemy. I did not want to attend school because the sounds that a classmate could make at any time and without warning frightened me. This attention to sounds i had adapted to generated an abundance of anger and it became difficult to function outside of my room, a reasonably controlled environment. I began searching for a way to release and I turned to options which it seems all troubled teens do. I felt like just another rebellious teenager with self harm accompanied by screamo music and a small eating disorder but kept it under wraps pretty well and just thought it was the hormones at the time. Now that I look back i could go on with the theories to explain why thats what i chose to engage in instead of just telling somebody what i was going through. My family knew i could not stand eating but they did not realize the extent of the problem and how it was truly affecting me. All i know for certain is that what was happening in my head was absolutely destructive. I think there are some things i have erased from my memory because according to my timeline one day i was sitting in my shower with a blade thinking the sounds had consumed my soul and it was time to end the suffering and then it jumps to my apparent survival of senior year gearing up for graduation. By then I had lost the majority of my friends and social status but my twin managed to keep a few for me because i let her run my social life since i was obviously unfit. Somehow I had turned my eating disorder into a obsession of sweat during working out instead of starving myself with a lack of food and harmful extracurriculars.

[themisophoniamaid]

Therefore, I sit here typing away waiting for my tow truck to read this and latch on to my rusted rear and recover me from this pit of pain. I am currently nineteen years old locked away in my room behind two doors and a shuttered window, my shields from the outside world, typing this with my apple headphones plugged so far into my ears im pretty sure they are touching my brain. I have a chillstep mix playing on repeat which has been played from my Soundcloud at least a thousand times. You know, just so that my sensitive ears can anticipate every base drop and beat, no surprises, the way I like it. If you are reading this you may wonder why a trendy teenager is sitting in her room hiding behind a laptop and some basic tunes and that is because i believe i have developed what psychologists call Misophonia. It simply means a person hates sounds but the condition is not as simple as one might hope. Being the human beginnings we are we know sounds are found in a person's everyday life, it is a fact that they are inescapable, but bearing this curse I find every possible way to make them disappear. I question how this inched its way into my life all the time in hopes i can find a way to reverse it but the truth is that i am not sure how or why this happened. Over the years i have played back millions of moments and memories in my mind attempting to date stamp this development, because i was certainly not born with it. I grew up in a one bedroom apartment in California with a twin a mom and a dad- you can imagine how many sounds one had to bear during this time. I acquired a little sister at the age of nine but no symptoms had appeared by then. It seems to me that it most likely started out small, first getting annoyed by the sounds of chewing while sitting at the dinner table because they say it is centered around the people closest to you and God knows my dad has the loudest chewing ever known to man. I wish I could record it and attach it for you all to hear and then I could watch you scrunch your faces up in disgust because it really is that horrifying. Or would that prove my point, is it  just me? Would any of you be able to notice what I do? Would it cause you to throw your computer against the wall and cry- because that is what i want to do when i think of the sounds he makes. And please do not jump to the conclusion that i hate my father because anybody who knows me knows that i love him maybe more than i love my twin- and she is practically another me, minus the sensitivity, so that is a lot of self love and most definitely not the source of this. After I began to obsess with the sounds people made while consuming food at home then it morphed into a full on attack on my social life. I began sitting at lunch during high school in the cafeteria surrounded by friends enjoying their company and everything seemed fine on the outside. While I gossiped with the girls and we discussed outfit options and all the other things a normal popular teen would but inside my mind was working overtime to suppress how i really felt. To keep my status at school i was required to go on lunch dates and watch people chew their food obnoxiously and chomp on their gum like it was their job and they had to show the world. Shopping trips now consisted of me focusing on the beeps from the cash register and the clinks of hangers in the store not the stylish options my friends urged me towards and questioned me about. Aside from my friend life, it also engulfed my academics.

[themisophoniamaid]

I am writing this as a call for help and understanding; this is not easy for me to do. I ask for help and patients. I have hopes that one day a special person will find this and read this and bring light into my life like the sun does for the people on earth. I need to be shown the way. The way to cope with feelings in which I cannot stress enough, make me crazy. I simply believe I am insane and have recently uncovered the possible theory that I drove my being into a ditch and cannot reverse out.