themindofskylar - Tumblr blog

[themindofskylar]

red red desert, heal our blues

[themindofskylar]

03/28/20

long time no update, Tumblr. it’s been about a year. I really should have kept this up because I can think of so many times it would have been good for me to let things out of my system that I didn’t want to tell other people. for now, you are my safe space when I don’t want to actually talk to people. now that school is online for the rest of the semester and im on my laptop a lot more, I actually might update more. 

anyways, aside from school closing, I got to go to Florida for spring break which was really fun. im glad that Corynne invited me to come. I was really surprised at first because I don’t think she’s ever done that before. the week was really fun, though. aside from my nightly depression that picks and chooses when it wants to act up on me. there was a night that I did cry just a little bit, but I had it under control for the most part. I havent been so lucky in quarantine, though. I've had a full on episode maybe twice. I just get so sad because of how alone I feel sometimes. im sure most of it is my brain overthinking but it just really hurts sometimes. maybe it also stems from a bit of jealousy. im jealous of the people who seem to have it so easy, romantically. take literally any of my friends. I dont know what it is but they’ve found so many people. been in relationships. married for gods sake. it makes me question “what's the difference in me?”

I like myself but I dont like myself. I tolerate me. I accept myself. it took enough for that to happen. does it have to do with that? who knows. 

I sit here in quarantine with one of my best friends who has once again found someone. someone who would most definitely do anything for her. its crazy how people could be like that. maybe its because I haven't experienced that. she calls him every night. they talk for hours. they already talk all day. I just sit here. phone empty. no calls, texts, snaps. but here’s the thing. I thought I had found someone like that was the thing. we met at a triangle event. everyone thought we would be so cute together. I didn't even give it a second thought. nothing works out for me like that so I just tried to ignore it. we saw him again at kams the following Monday. from there, I found out that he thought I was really cute and had a good personality. maybe there was a little hope now. he asked me on a date. we had coffee and talked for about 2 hours. it was a great time. I actually thought maybe this could turn into something. I saw him later at a social event. then a few days later when we got lunch and talked. then kams again, the last time before break. it all seemed to go so well. I was truly hopeful. it was okay during break. we talked but he's just not good at texting or snapping or communicating on the phone which does suck. I need the attention, hate to admit it. then I had doubts he didn't like me anymore or that he thought I was annoying. I cried. he told me I wasn't. I felt a bit better. he got really bad at answering again. I got sad. I came back, he came over and made pancakes. I was happy. he didn't answer again. I called him out. we had a long talk. figured things out. started calling each other. I really liked it. then that stopped 2 days ago due to late homework and him having to go back home. I dont want to come off as annoying ever so I just dont spam him anymore. I know that I shouldn't be comparing my relationships to anyone else’s but its so hard to not get jealous. I sit here in silence every night for 2 weeks and counting alone with my thoughts. its rough. i just dont know what's happening.

im even starting to tear up now. I feel so lonely because I dont get treated like that, with phone calls and snaps every minute. sometimes I dont think that's a lot to ask for. sometimes I just remember that Im deciding to not change the way he communicates. sometimes I think that I should just end it. it makes me sad more than it makes me happy. sometimes I dont think that's fair though. I just dont know. all I know is that the waves of loneliness and depression that hits me when the sun goes down and the lights turn off are deadly. my thoughts try to kill me. I try so hard not to feel but at the same time I feel so much. I feel so empty but so full with these overwhelming thoughts. I just dont know anymore. 

[themindofskylar]

love language = words of affirmation

[themindofskylar]

LANY // WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FRIENDS

[themindofskylar]

5/2/2019

the occasional wave of “am i going to end up alone?” is hitting me. i don’t think or worry about this very often at all anymore. a few months ago, it was all i thought about and i did my best to make sure i always found someone to talk to, knowing it wouldn’t be anything. i just wanted the attention.

i guess now that i don’t really worry at all anymore, that means i’m growing, right? becoming more accepting of myself and loving where i am and simply living for me and loving ME (right?)

[themindofskylar]

4/18/19

do your friends really care about what you have to say when they don’t even take the time to stop talking and listen?

[themindofskylar]

4/18/19

are they really your friends?

do they really care about you the same if it’s never them seeking you out, but you seeking them (constantly)?

[themindofskylar]

3 years ago MIT grad student Katie Bouman led the creation of a new algorithm to produce the first-ever image of a black hole. 

Today (first time ever) that image of a black hole was released. It is larger than the size of our entire solar system

Image taken using the Event Horizon Telescope 

[themindofskylar]

[themindofskylar]

● Seize time opportunities. If I have 15 minutes until your next class, I sit down and do homework in the hallway. If I have a long commute, I’ll do flashcards. This works because you most likely won’t have anything else to do anyways, so it’s easier to get your work done.

● Start something. When I get a lab report assignment, the first thing I do is pull up the directions and at least start the cover page and pull up some research links. It takes 5 minutes but it gets the ball rolling and makes it more likely that you’ll finish what you started.

● Auto-mode. When I procrastinating, it’s usually because I’m too busy thinking about what I’m going to do. Instead, I like to pretend I’m in “auto-mode” and just get started as fast as I can. auto-mode means shutting out distracting thoughts or pleas to watch one more funny cat video and forcing your hands to open your textbook. Works every time.

● Personally, creating time schedules don’t work for me because if I fall out of time, the whole schedule falls apart and I usually give up. Instead I use time games. I’ll tell myself something like “work as hard as you can until 11:00 sharp and if you finish, you can have a break”. This is great for developing self discipline because it’s in the moment so you can be more realistic and flexible.

● I don’t like writing down earlier due dates in my planner because it’s confusing so instead, it’s good to have some sort of mental rule. for example, my mental rule is to finish everything at least two days before the due date. following through with that will keep you on track.

● Do a little bit every day. If you have a big project, chip at it within a week rather than stressing out 2 days before it’s due. the same goes for studying for an exam. if you review lecture notes and attend office hours after class + work on flashcards throughout the week, then do a final review at the end, you’ll be well prepared and won’t need to cram. It’s a good habit and you won’t get stressed. Two birds with one stone.

● Use mornings too. I’m not really an early bird, but using mornings to get some work / chores done is great because it gives you a productive start to the day, which makes you feel proud of yourself for knocking out half of your tasks in the a.m. 

a. Lay out your lecture notes / worksheets on the table the night before and open your work tabs on your computer so they’ll be the first thing you see when you turn on your computer.

b. Put your computer far away from your work space and go to sleep.

c. When you wake up, the first thing that you’ll see is your ‘paper’ work, so get it done first. then start on your ‘screen’ work (you’ll be less likely to get distracted if you do your ‘paper’ work first). when you open your laptop the first thing you’ll see are the work tabs you opened the night before. Your job is to go on auto-mode and get started.

Good luck with self-discipline. You’ll do great. -thoughtscholar

[themindofskylar]

via @rupikaurpoems

[themindofskylar]

3/24/19

yesterday, I literally had the best day ever. like it was so much fun. emily came and visited it me and it was exactly what I needed... like I missed her so much. but anyways, we had the most fun ever. I don’t remember ever laughing that hard and that much here at school. it was amazing and I already miss it.

first we went to the zoo, and to be honest I think it made us more sad than anything else so that sucked but like yanno it was free. we did have some bomb ass slushy type drink though that we mixed piña colada and mango with.... UGH so good. 

then we went to Ikea. o m g who knew it was possible to fall in love with a store. it was so cool. so much to look at. like I want all those rooms to be my rooms please and thank you. we had so much fun in there. shared a $1 cinnamon roll. the best.

next we went to the spaghetti factory (spa ghetti said in ghost voice). the wait was 1.5 hours but Emily wanted it so bad and I didn't mind waiting because she be my bff. we edited pictures, well I edited pictures and just enjoyed each others presence. what would I do without her yanno.

lastly, we had to pick up the frittatas, or as we like to call them, firtititatas/tatas/titis and ask if they’re on ice. so funny. ben and jj had them so we had to find our way to this building and it was horrible. absolutely terrible. it was dark and it was raining and it was no bueno. finally found it, was there forever talking which was actually so much fun like..... who knew. except maybe when emily kept trying to find people to set me up with. idk about that. oh well it was fun. 

except when the geese were just staring at us at 1 am.

all in all, yesterday was the best day I've had in a long while. I was truly happy and truly felt like I could unapologetically be myself and not have to worry. that's what I want more in my life. I'm starting to find myself in the mindset of doing things because I want to do them. 

posting on social media for myself, of things I want to see or say.

putting whatever cute edits on pictures I enjoyed taking and putting them together.

understanding that likes on social media do not matter and do not define worth or anything else. post it for you because you want to.

caring more about what makes me smile and brings me joy.

spending time alone with myself and learning it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

taking things at my own pace and realizing I'm on my own clock and it doesn't have to go along with someone else’s.

learning that the sadness or emptiness or loneliness or whatever it may be is not gonna be there forever even when it feels like it will.

surrounding myself with people I know truly care about me and my well being, and the ones who can bring a smile to my face so naturally.

life is not about social media or likes or what and who you post with or who you hang out with and what you’re doing. it’s about doing it for you. doing what brings you joy and an everlasting smile that you never want to go away. yes, there will be times when it seems so far fetched, but the darkness does not stay forever. there is a light out of every single tunnel, always. it might just take little bit to find it, or rather to find who or what can get you out of the dark.

[themindofskylar]

The best feeling is when you wake up to a new album.

Stream Nothing Happens by Wallows now

[themindofskylar]

maybe i’ll be able to visit.. one day :)

Irish Coast 🍀🌊

[themindofskylar]

3/21/19

it’s 6:02 pm. i don’t feel like myself, especially when i’m alone. i don’t like this.

[themindofskylar]

via @extramadness

[themindofskylar]

people don't grow where they are PLANTED, they grow where they are LOVED

bob goff