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themediocrebread · 3 years ago

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Unexpected Booking

Dec 06 2021

Out of boredome I turned on Grindr while at work this morning. And a few messages later I agreed to have a visitor. He was to have breakfast in my apartment. He turned out okay. And it was me who somehow catfished me. He thought Im mascular but Im not even close to that. It was pretty awkward at first. He was in my bed busy with his phone while I was in a chair not knowing what to do. We were just waiting for our food to cook. It was my first time to have a "booking" like that and I didnt know what Im supposed to do. But I did try to be hospitable.

A few more awkward moments later he invited me to lay with him and that pretty much started the action. He came in my mouth and I swallowed his cum. I have not tasted cum for so long one could say my mouth is aching for a taste of it. So its only fitting that I swallow. He slept and woke up after a few hours and ate - it was lunch already. Then I sucked his cock again. This time he wants to fuck my from behind. I hesitated first as I have not cleaned myself and I didnt have lube. He said a condom would be enough. But it was too painful without lube so we stopped. He just jerked off while I sucked his tits. He came on my face. It was glorious. And its time for bed.

It turned out to be a good day.

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themediocrebread · 3 years ago

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Nothing but random.

Dec 05 2021

Im overthinking again. Creating bad scenarios in my head to prepare myself from whats to come but most of all wishing theyll never happen. You see, when I daydream about stuff the contrary always happens. This is probably my way of hoping something good turns up when I finally go back to that place to get my things. But I know nothing will happen - and when I say nothing I mean nothing good or bad will happen. Ill just take my things and leave. Leave and never come back. Yes, I did promise to myself never to return. I have this feeling that my other cousins know of the incident and that they hate me now. I cant blame them. Its just sad that after so many years of nurturing my relationship with them I am reduced to but of a single mistake. This is all because I let my baser self take over. Back then, a thought was in my head - i had nothing to lose. But I did have something to lose - them. I still dont know how to move forward. I still think about him. I keep fantasizing. Im just trying to busy myself by gaming but every time I close I see his face. His body. Although the visions are blurry now the feeling is still there, still strong.

When I think about everything though I see no other outcome but this. He cant love me, thats for sure. Hes straight after all. And sex?, impossible. God, the things Im willing to give up to have sex with him. Years of my life. Family. Work. Everything basically. My life is probably one sad event after another. Thats not bad at all. There are worst things. The problem is, I cant give up on life. I can leave my mom just yet. It will hurt her and I can hurt her like that. So I must continue regardless.

Is there hope for me? Well, I hope so.

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themediocrebread · 3 years ago

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How are you so far?

Dec 01 2021

Its been exactly 15 days since I moved in to the new apartment. I wasnt ready yet, financially, emotionally, physically and most of all - mentally. But I had to leave the very place that I love and called home since I came here in Manila. It wasnt easy. But its what I have to do. I did this for myself. For my own sanity. There is someone who is no longer comfortable with my presence there. His actions made me feel unwelcome. I couldnt blame him. Im not supposed to feel this way. You see, Im in love with him but he is - for the love of god! - my very own cousin. The same blood runs through our veins. And though its not harmful, it is wrong. It was a mistake to confess my feelings but I dont regret it. He said it was okay but he cant help me. I couldnt quite remember what he said but the gist was I shouldnt act on my feelings for the family. He even promised to keep it a secret. I do remember he joked about it, that it feels like something you hear on AM radio stations.

Months went by like a blur then Covid happened to us. He got Covid and some of the family members. They had to be quarantined for more than a month in the other house. When hes finally back from quarantine things changed - he changed. He feels aloof. Jealousy, insecurities and anxiety hit me like a storm. Plus I missed him so much which resulted to a tragic night. The night of Septemter 28. A cousin of us was leaving for overseas work so it was customary that a drinking session be held. They were drinking and I wasnt emotionally capable of going to work that time so I drank too. I didnt join them though. I drank on my own in my work desk. Suprisingly he didnt invite me when hes been inviting me lately to drink. When they finished I was already tipsy but I kept drinking outside. Then he went out to eat in their house (we reside in a different house) and I followed him - not sure why. I was too drunk to remember everything but I remember he was agitated and borderline angry. I remember inviting him to eat with me but he said something that made me realize he's disgusted with me. He said "I dont want to eat with you, Im going to lose my appetite". I didnt feel the blow of his words yet, I was drunk. And then there was a lapse in my memory. The next thing I remember I went up to his bed in the upper deck. I dont know how I got up there. I cant remember if I also groped him. God I wish I didnt. All I remember was him turning on the light and I saw his face - he was furious which woke me up from drunkness. I signaled him to turn off the light then went down. And morning came.

Everything was too heavy the day after. But luckily I have a best friend whos always there for me. I took shelter at her place for 3 days. I didnt return home for 4 days. And another good thing was, we were having a vacation in a few weeks in Boracay. I had a few days away from the place that once was my paradise. It was then that I decided to have my own place. It took me awhile but Im glad that I made it.

I think about him every single day, every single time. I know Ive hurt him. He was nice to me. He is after all my cousin. He cooked for us and made sure my things are clean and arranged. Yes, he arranged and and cleaned my stuff. From books to my table down to my toys. He was really if anything brotherly to me. But Ive mistaken his kindness to something else. You see, Im a sucker for kindness. And Im physically attracted to him too. His swelling belly - yes, its what turns me on. Im a bear chaser you know. I havent decided yet if I should move on. I know I should but somehow I dont want to love someone else anymore. I just want to love him or wait until this love dies on its own. I think one of the reasons I fell for him is because I want to save him. Hes I guess an emo. I thought I could make him happy. I tried. I provided for him. Bought stuff to make him happy but it was something expected from me as a cousin. It was my fault I expected something in return.

Im slowly getting back on track. But lately I found out Im stressed out. For a week now my left eyelids been twitching and my eyes are hurting. I thought from too much screen time but when I went to see an eye doctor the doctor diagnosed it as stress. And that there is no medicine for it. I probably didnt notice it, stress has become normal to me. But it manifested in my body. I got stressed probably for moving out too soon. And this is why Im writing about things. To hopefully help me de-stress.

Ill be okay soon - Im telling myself.

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