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[themarvelousnouveau]

I made a list of things that make me feel amazing to refer to when I’m not feeling my best. In no particular order.

Hikes

Water

Stretching

Singing

Baths

Smoothies

Salads

Kisses

Cuddling

Sunlight

[themarvelousnouveau]

Let’s talk about men. For those of you who don’t know, I’m Queer AF but I have the privilege to be “straight passing” so it’s usually something that I have to articulate to people in order for it to be known. That’s not really where I’m going with this story but before I get into this heteronormative ass anecdote, I wanted to say how completely and utterly pan and poly and proud I am.

So I haven’t had a decent sexual encounter in what feels like, and might possibly be, over a year. Maybe save for one. Honestly for most of it I was in quarantine and then my own thematic ongoing personal journey with intermittent celibacy practices. I however have been quite literally in a dry spell (that’s funny cuz I live in the desert) for the past 4 months and getting thirstier thirstier by the day (also funny cuz it’s a play on words, see thirsty can mean you need water, but ALSO THAT YOU NEED THE D)

So I decide it would be a fantasmigorical idea to go on, of all places, facebook dating and find me a tall glass of water (that’s funny because.. okay we’re over these? Oh alright) and it worked. Possibly too well? I have 10’s of matches in a days time and I’m hustling through them, sending a lil Kalae each way in hopes of a potential connection. Well, LEMME TELL YOU WHA HA HAPPENED.

This dude from B-more with dreads and gold teeth with diamonds in’em named Fuckboy (I mean he might as well be named that) pops on my screen, “what up ma, lemme get ur number” and I’m all like “hahah OKAY” 👀👀👀👀 The side eye was for me, not even for him, I KNOW BETTER. And I know you may be thinking, Kalae you can’t judge a book by its cover, and sometimes that is true but THIS time, this cover was red and in full caps read THIS BOOK IS FILLED WITH FUCKBOY TOMFOOLERY, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. And I was like “ hahaha OKAY.”

Now this might be a prime example of me thinking with my little brain. My little brain that’s nestled in my little lips.. just making decisions for me without my consent. Unprompted. Just telling my common sense to take one for the team. “WE NEED THIS” Victoria screamed. Yes, her name is Victoria. But back to Sir FB-alot, he immediately makes assumptions about my character saying that I’m beautiful, funny, smart, and I mean yes these are hard facts but dude was talking to me for all of 5mins and you could already tell he was getting ahead of himself. He told me that he might have to wife me within minutes of talking to me. Putting me on a pedestal. I became a archetype of all the things he ever wanted in a woman. So he went to phase two, we have to meet, I’ll come pick you up, you’re worth the drive (2hours each way), I’ll show you a great time-and honestly although it was a lot, I was down for the adventure! Besides Victoria was at the helm of this ship and no matter how many red flags i could see, that bitch was dodging them like two ships in the night.

Here’s the kicker though, and this is where I think things get messy when it comes to intention vs perceived intentions between the sexes, he starts talking about sex, which I wanted to have with him, possibly for multiple days, but his crassness and lack of tact on the subject turned me off so much that V let big K back on the wheel. So he knows he’s getting laid, I know he’s getting laid, but the so called “lady” in me doesn’t want him talking to me like that because I don’t like that he assumes that he’s getting laid and that he would talk to me as if it’s a done deal. “Wear a dress, no panties, no undies, feet out, Ride on the dick in the car before we head back to Pheonix” the nonsense.

Retrospectively this is around the moment I feel he went in to self sabotage mode. See, I don’t think he ever believed he had a real chance with me. I don’t think he really ever thought he could entertain me, or satisfy me or even hold a conversation with me. So this is the moment he began to unravel before my eyes in a manner so shockingly unrealistic it sparked a need inside me. I’ll tell you that need in a moment, but first the finale of this fb psychosis. After I tell him to get some act right he goes into a monologue on “females” and this was the veil coming down. For his character, but also for how he sees all women. He proceeds to tell me how he’s a “grown man”, wow never heard that one before, on and also another favorite tune “I don’t know what kinda dude you normally deal with” and other fb cliches right from the book. It’s a very short redundant book they all seem to read from. All this culminating in a cancelled trip with a stranger that really was never going to happen. I didn’t even pack a bag for it. V couldn’t convince me and I was right.

So I needed to know the answers to a few questions. What are the origins of the Fuck Boy? I need to know the psychology behind what I can only articulate as both an egoistic craving and simultaneous hatred for women. And then one more step, why would I want to be with a human like that. And let’s be real, there are plenty of female fbs too. Shit might even be trans and non binary fbs, the world is FULL of surprises.

But I wrote this so that FBs won’t be a surprise to us anymore. Or at least to me.

For me... I don’t necessarily believe the hype that they’re spewing more than I want to participate in the temporary illusion they’ve created. It’s a fantasy and the escapism is the fun part but also the paradox. You know it will end but how soon? And escapism is my drug of choice, it’s ecstasy and addictive. Your creating fertile soil for a dried up seed that won’t grow no matter how you tend to it.

Some questions to ask yourself.

What is a FB?

Am I a FB?

Do I participate in FBisms?

Am I perpetuating FB culture?

How were FBs created?

How do I dismantle a situation with a FB?

How do I avoid FBs?

Why am I attracted to FBs?

Why are they attracted to me?

[themarvelousnouveau]

From the mind of Kalae Nouveau, a spread featuring lingerie by Playful Promises x Gabi Fresh. Blending the ferocious entities of a mechanical desert monster with a large and in charge Goddess, with the soft energies of a Tuscon horizon and feather lined, soft pink lingerie. Let the experience entice the senses in this stunning mashup.

[themarvelousnouveau]

a possibility in progress

The way I follow you, As if some one could possibly lead me

I give way to direction as the wind I am. Left, right, meaningless terms in my eyes. But to follow you, would be godly For every word you masterfully add to others

Creating sentences to guide me to truths unknown 

To not follow would be senseless

So, though no other could lead me

Their senselessness tangible to my delicate air, unable to attach themselves to my winding unpredictability

Yours stands strong, true..A beacon in a world of flat surfaces 

Where your peaks and valleys hide the unknown horizon in a thrilling bouquet of mystery 

When I think of polarities and gravitational pulls I think, no not me, I am alien to the nature of man. I kindly refuse  the treacherous, mundane pull of Monotony, The pulse, the heart beat, the cycle of a destiny I never signed up for 

I guide myself, I know true north is of my own volitionThe directions aren’t on a map, a paved road, an ideal path- Then you speak And the only north I see is in your timbre And I dream of the day I can look at your eyes, looking at mine and we can walk the path together

[themarvelousnouveau]

Pride, Questioning, Gay, Pan, Trans, Queer and HERE.

This is my, I never came out story.

If you don’t know me already, my name is Kalae “Nouveau” Hassel. I was born and raised in New York City and now I’d like to think of myself as a resident of the world… which is a fancy way to say I’m homeless and crashing at my sister’s house in the SW until I figure out what’s next for me in my life.

I sit here, in my new surroundings, hot, just thinking about the desert scrub around me and the dry 100 degree day we just had while I stared at my feed into a wet, sea of New Yorkers flooding the streets in rainbow. Vaxed? Who knows, waxed? Most definitely. Dancing, partying, celebrating while I die a slow FOMO ridden death. Okay, maybe just an orgasm (did you know orgasm means tiny death?). But I began thinking about my Pride story and queer journey to the proud Double Spirited, Pansexual I am today! So I figured I’d share bits of that journey, along with some images I’ve created for Pride as part of a Prompt from the very talented MUA Delvon Paris (@DelvonParis). He asked a group of MUA’s to all represent a Pride Flag and I was assigned the gorgeous Transgender Flag.

I hope you enjoy my story, my art and at the end, a brief history of the Transgender Flag and what It means to me. I hope that none of this is triggering to anyone, but alas, this sort of stuff usually is so bear with me and remember this is a safe space and I send everything with LOVE unless otherwise noted.

I started going to Pride in High School. I remember hopping over the metal gates they put up in NYC parades so we don’t bum rush the floats. I would wear high heels and I already have the long, thick, legs of a plus-size tarantula. So, Id just step over, casually, and join in on the fun walking for a mile or two before my heels became more of a hindrance than the fierce spectacle they started the day as. I remember being mistaken for man in Drag too many times to count. Getting glitter and sweat in my eyes, dancing and celebrating queerness at that age was a FANTASY. I didn’t know about Stonewall, or Gay rights, or Queer struggles. I just new Drag Queens and my gay friends and my non binary friends. I often wonder if my deep love for the culture and my allyship at that young of an age was really me resonating with the queer girl I would grow up to be. I mean, I was always different, but I didn’t come to terms with my Gay side until a decade later.

See, I was raised homophobic. Unfortunately many of us do and it not out of the ordinary. I come from a religious Caribbean background. There’s Soca music about murdering Gay people. I mean it’s etched in the culture. It’s not okay, by any means, but It was all I knew. One day, my best friend asked me and our other best friend (yes, we were a thruple) to come over to her place because she wanted to talk to us. Little did I know, there would end up being two coming out stories in a row, leaving me shaking and crying at a table with my two incredibly articulate, intellectual, hilarious, beautiful, vivacious and now I know, Bi-sexual, besties.

I didn’t cry because they had changed to me, I didn’t think all of a sudden, oh these are “bad people” or “they’re going to hell” No, nothing of the sort. I cried because my mother, my community, my culture LIED TO ME. I shook because the foundation I stood upon was rocked to the core. I loved my besties, probably more that moment and thats the moment I fell in love with this community. Because they were my people. Queer people were my people before I knew I was Queer. So I became a dedicated ally.

It would be years of gay clubs and Prides and soul searching before I finally went out with a woman. I made out with girls my whole life and it never occurred to me that it was “gay.” This is the conditioning, this is the heteronormative, patriarchal system that has me and so many of us blind to the truths of our nature. I have always been attracted to women, but I wouldn’t allow myself the space to be GAY. With all my allyship I still couldn’t peel back the layers and liberate myself. So when I finally did, It wasn’t a moment. It was a series of moments that lead to many colorful relationships and as I grew, the people around me would just notice and some would ask questions but for the most part I think a lot of them were just like, “Well, thats Kalae, KALAEing” and as much as I appreciate that my fluidity is acceptable in a way thats clearly a privilege, I still never really had to/got to come out. I was just here, still. Was I ever in the closet? Am I out the closet now? Maybe I was just straddling the doorway. Maybe I was in the closet but no one new I was in the closet because they could already see my clothes, nah mean?

ANY WHO, I’m here, I’m Queer, and I miss New York Pride, and here’s some info on the Transgender Flag if you didn’t already know it;

The Trans Flag was created by Transgender woman Monica Helm in 1999. She debuted the flag in 2000 at PRIDE in Phoenix, Arizona! The Flag consists of five horizontal stripes and in Monica’s words,  "The stripes at the top and bottom are light blue, the traditional color for baby boys. The stripes next to them are pink, the traditional color for baby girls. The stripe in the middle is white, for those who are transitioning or consider themselves having a neutral or undefined gender." For me, as a double spirited human, with her/she pronouns (like the chocolate) all three colors resonate. In my imagery there are three humans in the womb, emerging inside of a pre slated destiny. The ability to accept, change, destroy is in their eyes and at their fingertips. Only time will tell where their journey will lead. I did my best to represent the colors as Monica stated but I don’t believe in gendered roles, traits, etc based on assigned at birth sex. So, take what you will from this flag and my artistic depiction of it. Make sure to visit my Instagram page to see all the amazing depictions of the other Pride Flags! (@TheMarvelousNouveau) All made and sent with LOVE.

Exoh Kalae

[themarvelousnouveau]

The Robe Lives!

I came across Adrienne and Andrew (CEO’s of TRL) on social media a few years ago and although we’ve never met in person we definitely became instant e-friends which I think is a real thing now. They are spectacular humans that decided to quit their jobs and travel around the world- you can visit their blog A and A take the world here. 

During their travels they came across a town in Tanzania called Zanzibar and it became the birthplace of their non-profit “The Robe Lives.” 

In their words, “We created The Robe Lives in 2015 after a six-week stay in Zanzibar.  The idea isn’t about making money, it's about chasing a purpose. We thought; if we can design a beautiful product and bring in the buyers, then we can create a lot of work and income for a small community in Africa that we love, and that it would be able to generate enough revenue that we can give to support charitable initiatives that resonate with us.  Our goal is that your purchases will enable us to continue operating this charity-funding project without taking any salaries or profits for ourselves.  If we can achieve that, then we would be forever grateful and will charge ahead on this mission.”

It means a lot to me to support brands that are stylish, eco friendly and forward thinking. Fashion isn’t just about glamour, it’s about sustainability and empowerment. Im proud to endorse TRL and I hope that you will too!

Photos by @heatherHazzan

[themarvelousnouveau]

Model life

A little over a year ago I got signed to Muse Model Management as a plus size (or as they like to cal it “Modern”) Muse. Since then I have worked with lots of plus size brands as well as big clients like Old Navy and Target. Its really been a whirl wind of a year that I never expected. I just never thought that I would enjoy modeling as much as I do. I have a deep dark modeling past that really put me off to the entire industry. 

I have been tall and pretty (she says humbly) since I can remember and so people would often tell me that I should model. Honestly, I was super arrogant back then and I thought I was too smart to be a “glorified hanger,” which was my very nice name for models back then. However, from a very young age I went down the path for a little while; local runway shows, got scouted by America’s Next Top Model, Barbizon (which we all no is bullshit now but back then it was poppin and my mother saw right through them and wouldn’t let me go)... but one of the most memorable and eye opening modeling moments in my childhood was a competition that I entered in Orlando, FL called Fashion Rock. I BEGGED my mom to fly us both down there and it really was a spectacle. There were probably one or two thousand kids and parents all there because Lou Pearlman of all people created this competition for kids to meet with A&R reps and agencies and whatever or whoever else might have been there. I remember on the first night Smilez and Southstar performed and at that time their hit “Tell Me” was already a year old, so they were trying to keep the buzz happening but they were played out-if not then, within months of this event. 

So I entered the singing and modeling competition. The first day I went to sing up in the plussize division of the modeling competition and they took one look at me and threw me in with the straight size girls. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew I wasn’t fat (at the time) but I was still a size 12 and I thought that throwing me in the ring with these size 2 girls was just unfair so I threw in the towel. I all the challenges that were asked of me standing next to these damn barbies from all across America, but I didn’t believe that I would win a thing. But I worked with what I had-PERSONALITY, and that last day when we were all in the large event space and they were announcing the top 5 finalists, I was chatting it up with this super hot guy I had met, not paying any attention until everyone around me started to yell my name to get my attention. They called me. I was a top finalist. I ran up to the stage in my tank top, capri pants and flipflops standing next to 4 girls in cocktail dresses that you would have to add there pants size together and DOUBLE to get mine and I thought, ‘wow, a bitch got PERSONALITY.’

I ended up placing 5th in that competition and it was an amazing feeling. I felt truly empowered and confident and I really understand why parents place their children in competitive activities, whether it be sports, pageants etc. (i was also in the Miss Pre-teen America Pageant but that’s a story for another day.) I was awarded with a lot of swag and connections that I barely used and also because of the ponzi scheme that is Mr. Pearlman most of what I “won” my parents would have to CONTINUE to pay for and they weren’t having it.

So you’re probably wondering now, well why didn’t I get into modeling if I had such a great experience? Well, a few months later I had convinced my mom to help me make a modeling comp card because back then it seemed like the only way to get attention from an agency. I was about 16 yo and I was feeling so great coming off the high of this competition and getting all these photos taken of myself at a studio in midtown, and then the photographers assistant pulled me into a private corner behind a room separator that was supposed to be for me to change into my next outfit and he molested me. And every time I went to that studio he would do the same thing. And I didn’t say anything and I didn’t do anything but it left a heavy impression on my view of the modeling industry. That we were just pieces of meat that smiled in front of the camera and got used and thrown away the next day. I remember going to pick up my photos after school one day and begging my best friend to come with me and pretend to be my extremely over protective boyfriend. I didn’t realize how traumatized I was until then. Once I bumped into him on the street and he was being so kind (he always seemed really sweet) and my heart was pounding outside of my chest. I had the fight or flight hormones on deck. 

Of course since then I have learned my boundaries, how to speak up, how to make my life and the industries I’m in bend to what I want them to be for me. That wasn’t the modeling industry, that was the growing pains of being a woman in a misogynistic society. So now I can stand half naked in front of men every day with out a second thought because I am stronger now. I am not susceptible to feeling small or pressured into sexual favors or letting someone touch me that shouldn’t be. I’m actually really happy that I was signed at 27 because I have so many valuable life lessons that these 18yo girls that are getting signed don’t have. I will get the most out of this experience and count my blessings everyday.

I am a model, I am a WOMAN and a bitch got PERSONALITY.

exoh

TMN

[themarvelousnouveau]

Zahra Siddiqui x Kalae Nouveau

I am because I choose

I am because I say

[themarvelousnouveau]

Follow my Kalae Nouveau page for updates on my career!

So blessed to be asked by Global Citizen to write a rap for their new #GlobalGoals !!! Check it out on their facebook page where it has nearly 50k views! Also, join in on the cause and share so we can all create a better planet for our generation and the ones to come. Whats your favorite goal? What does it mean to you? What does it look like in action? Go to GlobalCitizen.org to get involved! And look for me Sep 26th at the Global Citizens festival at the big lawn in Central Park-lets watch Coldplay and BEYONCE together!!!! Shout out to Chesney Snow for collabing with me and Liann Kaye for her great direction!

[themarvelousnouveau]

Dear Music

We have a love hate relationship. I really wish we could move past this point. I want there to be a thin line between love and indifference. Not that I want to be indifferent towards you, i just wish there was a place I could go to before hate, ya know? A buffer zone of sorts. The back and fourth, the ups and downs are too much for this poor sensitive soul. I need something steady. Does that mean Im gonna leave you? No, no way music. We had a brief separation but I really think we can make this work. So im suggesting, that maybe, just maybe, if it suits you, we can get married? I don’t care if you’re seeing other people, I know you have enough love to go around. I just want to be with you every day.. I want you inside of me so badly. Just think about what we could make together. What I can give birth to with your help. Okay, let me know.. 

<3 Kalae

[themarvelousnouveau]

[themarvelousnouveau]

[themarvelousnouveau]

Seriously... i want to be inside you...

[themarvelousnouveau]

I think im in love.

[themarvelousnouveau]

[themarvelousnouveau]