thelunaticonthegrass

[thelunaticonthegrass]

Hey there! this is my first published fanfic and I'm so excited(more nervous)about it. English is not my first language I'm still learning it and it's my first English work so sorry for any mistake. And please let me know if you liked it I'll be overjoyed

Warnings:SPOILERS! Sherlock BBC series( Richen Bach fall episode) ,Mentions of depression and using medicine to sleep , Angst(happy ending)

(Let me know if there are more)

Summary:it has been two years since Sherlock died .but you still have dreams about him.

But is it a reasonable thought to assume that they have a meaning?

(Images are not mine)

He stood in front of you. His eyes were filled with tears and a new emotion that you've never seen in his face, perhaps regret.You just rushed into his arms. His heart was racing under his ribs, making him alive and very real. His hands drew you closer and you ran your fingers through his curly hair, revealing how much you longed for him

"I'm right here. look at me" He whispered softly into your ear.

As you lifted your head to look at him, your body went numb and he began to vanish. You woke up to the sound of the window banging.

it was a dream,again...

When the painful truth finally hit you, your eyes brimmed with tears.After two years,two years of grieving and struggling with depression because of his loss, many sessions of therapy,moving to different part of London because you couldn't bear his absence in that in that messy flat, after enduring Many nights of insomnia and and sleeping with the aid of the pills, you believed that 'acceptance' was finally within reach, but dreams like tonight always found a way to haunt you. To bring back the memory of how it felt to feel safe in his presence.

To remind you he was now laying six feet under ground. It was 3:00 am.You didn't care if you had to go to the work tomorrow ,just laying there and staring at the ceiling thinking of that joyous dream.you made a sad smile.after two years you had that hope in your heart, that he would finally stop this joke and breaks to your house and laughs at your stupid surprised face,just like the way he used to be, mysterious and all.What a foolish hope....

...

You woke up to the sound of your phone alarm.

You looked at the clock in your room...god you overslept.juat imagine a day when you overslept, went to work looking like you survived from a fire to see Anderson in your office.

You groaned when you saw him wandering around your desk. You almost slammed the door out of annoyance

"Anderson what the hell are you doing here?" You hissed

Anderson looked at you.if stupidity had a face it would be his you thought. "y/n don't get mad I'm here to tell you something really important about Sherlock" He said

You froze in place as you thought about how thoughtless someone could be.

"get out Anderson..."  you muttered under your breath

"No no you don't understand I was thinking..."

"do you even think?since when you have a brain?how dare you disrespect his memory like that?how dare you mock me?you saw when my life falling apart...how can you...how can you be like this?..." you almost shouted

You took a deep breath and pointed at the door

"go Anderson...you were one of those who doubted him. You believed that he was a fraud from the beginning, and now he's gone.You cannot heal your conscience like this."

Anderson didn't say a word, he just grabbed his jacket and quickly left the office knowing that if he says another word you would gladly slap him in the face.

You lay on your chair,your body shaking from shoke and anger. an interesting scenario playing in your head, which you actually slapped Anderson in the face in it and spat all of curses you knew they existed in vocabulary, and blamed him for what happened to the man you loved...

Unable to control your tears,Why memories were so alive?you asked yourself. as if you could see Sherlock's body on the ground, The pavement painted in red by his blood. that picture was engraved in your head forever. you felt sick in your stomach when you remembered his hand was still warm when you took it in your own,The last touch you had from him...

The day was tiring and terrible. you drove home as you bought some food from a small restaurant.You've been starving yourself the whole day with not eating a proper meal.

You laid on the couch not wanting to do anything.

You just turned on the TV so the silence wouldn't suffocate you.

Your eyes were getting heavy as you turned off the TV, too tired to go to bed you just sat there, but suddenly you heard a knock on the door.

It was 11:00 pm and you had no one to come to your house at this hour.

You held the door knob in your grip.

"Who is it?" you called out

"An unexpected guest" a familiar voice responded. Your whole body trembled when you heard that voice.your mind went like an empty refrigerator as you opened the door.

At first,you were one hundred percent sure you were dreaming again.

"Hello y/n" His voice brought you back to the earth.

He cleared his throat as the color started to drain from your face "Ok I know it's a bit scary...but here I am" He smiled. his stupid smile

"You just have to wake up y/n...you can do it just wake up" you whispered to yourself, but then your feet couldn't bear your weight anymore. He was quick to grab you and sat on the floor with you, that stupid smile replaced by a deep look of concern

"y/n are you ok?hey look at me it's alright" He said while getting closer to catch your face in his warm hands

"Why?...why are you doing this to me?...w

Why don't you leave me?I need some peace I want to be happy...I...can't I just sleep one night without you in my dreams?

Wasn't it enough to watch you die?

What am I paying for?..."you struggled to breathe,Your voice was so weak that he was afraid you would choke.

"y/n...fortunately or not... you're not dreaming...it's me" He murmured as he held your face, trying to hide his pain under a sarcasm.yes...it pained him to see you like this.

In this two years he never felt guilty about what he did. He couldn't understand the reason why he should, but when he saw your face white as a sheet, your whole body shivering because of shock, and the pain in your eyes when you were trying to breath, he suddenly felt some guilt, maybe more than that. the feeling rose from his chest to his throat and brought tears to his eyes.Yes, he had done this to you and that was his punishment.

You tried to put the words in an order to understand his sentence. were you not dreaming?

You grabbed the hand which were cupping your face, feeling his warmth. His hands were warm you thought, like two years ago when you tried to hold them but they didn't even move. No it wasn't like one of your dreams because you couldn't feel the warmth of his touch in your dreams. Sundden realization was too much.

You looked at him with the knowledge that he wouldn't disappear. You didn't know how to react or even feel. Should you have slapped him in the face?No, you just wanted to hold his beautiful face and wipe his tears with your fingers, To bury your face in his chest and feel his heart beat.

Should you have told him to go to hell?but your lips just wanted to say 'I love you'. There was a inconsistency between what you wanted to do and what you had to do and this silent battle took your whole energy.

By looking at your pale face Sherlock could tell you were going to faint.

"Let's get back in the house. You don't seem well" He said as he gently pulled you up with him and helped you walk.Your body was firmly pressed next to him. He was there,he came back...those words repeating in your head were only things you could understand.

You sat on the couch and he brought you a glass of water and knelt on the ground before you, not letting go of your numb hands.

"Why did you do this to me?" This was the only question you could manage to ask.

Sherlock froze in his place,not expecting to hear this. "You...your life was in danger...Moriarty had threatened your life..."

"And it took you two years to explain this"you interrupted him.

"The world had to believe that I'm dead.this was the only way to destroy the empire that Moriarty built..." He tried to explain,but he couldn't... it was the first time in his life that the great Sherlock holms couldn't defend himself with words. 'What have I done?'he thought. You were the only person he thought about in this two years. Day and night, even when he was being tortured, just a memory of of smile was enough to numb the pain. and now he saw how he had hurt you...

Every time he fell asleep he saw your face, no matter how hard he tried, he could not forget your horrified screams when he lay on the ground pretending to be dead.

And even though he knew his absence would be long he could not think of the day that he'll return to you, of course he had his own fears, most of his nightmares were about someone else who might have entered your life, taking his place in your heart...

Of course he wanted you to be happy more than anything in his life and he knew it was selfish to expect you to wait for him(when you didn't even know he was alive),but he couldn't bare the idea of coming back and seeing you're with another person. No, he wanted to make this up to you at all cost.

"I'm sorry...I...just wanted to protect you. I know I messed up, but y/n please...." he surrendered, not knowing how to apologize so that you would accept it, accept him. like you always did.

The hatred he felt towards himself for seeing you like this was not something he could take .He would've punched himself if it wasn't a stupid action, He would've ripped his heart out of his chest so you wouldn't have to read his feelings from his cold face, the mask that he had shown to the world with pride but he wanted to tear it so you could touch his naked feelings.

"You messed it up Sherlock, you really did"

You didn't know how you spoke so calmly

"You messed up, you left me to suffer like this.

But all I can think is how much I've missed. I don't know why am I so stupid?...stupid enough to love you even now...I don't even know why I'm telling you this"

"y/n, I'm the idiot one. I thought I could just come here and win your trust and heart again with an apology...y/n, please look at me"

He begged. He knew you could read him if you just look at his face, so you could know that he's telling the truth. You had done this so many times.

He didn't know how you do you do it but it was like a magic trick to him, it was his last gamble to prove how he really felt.

"I know you don't trust me anymore. but all can do is begging you to listen. Just listen to me and I'll leave you alone after"

You took a deep breath. 'why are you doing this?' your mind was yelling at you, but you just nodded, like your heart was searching for an excuse to let him in again.

"Y/n...what I've told you, was the truth, and I know it's not enough for you if I tell your life was in danger or I had to leave for an undercover mission. I know it won't ease your pain, and yes I'm not blind to see what I've done to you and you won't believe If I say it pains me so much that I subconsciously wish I was really dead...

But if it's my last chance to tell you how I feel I don't wanna hide it.

I know what I am y/n. I'm not the man you deserve, cause you deserve much better than a monster like me.

I thought about us from the moment I left you.

every single day I woke up just to see you're not by my side.

I...I just wish I could hold you while we sit on the couch, to see you run to my flat with your loud happy voice that brought me a joy that I didn't know it existed.

You taught me how to love someone, how to remember small things, because that's what we have...that's what we're made for. Whether you want or not I need you more than I should, and it burned me for two years. It's not a trick nor a show or for some bloody case It's just me...the man you saved...and I...I love you even if you want me to leave you alone for good"

His ocean eyes were teary and regretful now, just like you saw them in your dream...He lowered his head again like he was praying for your mercy. you couldn't take it anymore, you could not hate him even now, you loved all of him, even his inability to love the others normally, his mistakes and The way only he could amateurishly glue the broken pieces of your heart together. You slowly knelt from the chair to the floor to meet him at the eye level and placed your hands on his face.not looking at him directly, you kissed his wet cheek bones, his eyes, forehead and then, his lips. you just kept your lips there,pressing them on his. you just needed this remedy, to keep him right there.

It was like your heart suddenly started beating again after two years, like someone took your hand and pulled you up from the grave you were digging for yourself, and it was him.

Resting your head on his shoulder, you couldn't let go.not now...

"The double bed is still in my room" you finally spoke,your voice barely above a whisper

"Ok...that's good" he rubbed your back, soothing your exhausted muscles

"Wait until I wake up, don't leave" You murmured weakly

"you have my word, from now on, I'll be here every time you wake up." He promised

You just tightened your grip in response. no more dreams, finally the reality was worth living.