thelionandthewolfpack - Tumblr blog

[thelionandthewolfpack]

Last night was the third night in a row I've had a dream that you were in. In every one, your face is a little blurry. Your voice is hard to recognize. I realized that it's because I am losing memory of you. I used to know every curve, freckle, and wrinkle in your face. Every stray beard hair, every crooked tooth in your smile. It's hard to believe that I can't close my eyes and see those things perfectly like I used to. I haven't cried about it in a month or so, and I am actually pretty proud of myself for that. I'm not sure if it's because I have no tears to waste on you, or because I have finally become genuinely numb. What I continue to struggle with is hearing those fucking words you said to my face, knowing damn good and well you were lying. "You have nothing to worry about baby." "She is way older than me, you're crazy to be worried about her." Is that why you live together now? Is that way you started dating her a week after you broke up with me? The irony in the whole thing is enough to make me vomit at your feet. You were always so good at convincing me of whatever it was you needed me to believe, weren't you? That's what you're good at. Fooling people. Manipulating. The world's best bullshitter. Well I hope more than anything the tables get turned on you, and you get a taste of your own fucking medicine 10x over. I hope one day you get to experience even just half of the torture you put me through these last 4 months. I hope she rips you of everything you are. I hope she sees you for the man, excuse me, boy, you truly are, and she runs just as fast as she can. By the time you were done with me, I wasn't sure who the fuck I was even looking at in the mirror. You destroyed me, you took everything from me. And I believe more than anything that one day, some wonderful day, it will all come back to haunt you. Fuck you, fuck her, fuck everything you care about. You are the worst human being I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I wish that I would have never contacted you when I was 15. I should have ran the other way. I should have spent those 6 years of my life without you. I gave you everything I was,everything I had, everything I wanted to be in those 6 years. Just to have it all thrown back in my face in a matter of minuets. If I ever run into you, perhaps in a grocery store, or the mall..I won't speak. I won't nod. Because I don't know that person who would be looking back at me. He's nothing but an unfamiliar face. And momma always taught me to never talk to strangers.

[thelionandthewolfpack]

2 months, 9 days. That's how long it has been since I heard your voice. I've realized I've forgotten what it sounds like entirely. Yet some days, I still hear it in the back of my mind so clearly. Most of the time it's when I close my eyes to try and sleep, or when I'm pouring my coffee first thing of the morning because of failed attempts to do so. My un answered text message I sent to you weeks ago still lives in my phone. I'm too afraid to delete it, because it's my only remaining branch. I know why you left like you did, even if you weren't the one to tell me. I like to the think that the love I had for you has drown along with me. I laid it to rest, along with the person I knew you to be. But some days..God, some days it's hard to breathe. It's hard to concentrate, it's hard to eat. It's hard to get up in the mornings. For the most part now, I keep you in the darkest and deepest corner of my mind. Some days I wish you weren't there at all..but it's not that simple is it. Sometimes 6 years of memories flood over me at once. Moments..all of those small moments that you never knew I would remember for the rest of my life. The details I cannot erase no matter how hard I try. The freckle at the top of your ear. The way your eyes closed when you laughed. The scar on your index finger that you could never remember how you got. The specks of red in your beard in the summer time. Your hand on my knee as you drove. The way your face would light up when you talked about something you loved. Your face when I walked into the room. Details that I wish I could just forget all together, because maybe then it would make it easier to breathe. Most days the reason I feel such hurt and anger is because I have to live with those memories, those moments, those thoughts, for the rest of my life. They say with time it gets easier, but I have yet to see the proof of that. You on the other hand. You get to live your life, with 0 reprecautions. You are going on about your life as if I never existed. Giving her the hugs that I miss so much, telling her those 3 words that I lived for. It came so easily to you. I wonder what that feels like. I wonder what it feels like to wake up and not think of me. To pour your coffee in the morning without it triggering a memory. To kiss her and not think of me. I like to think one day I'll get to know what that feels like. That closure will come. But for now, I guess I will have to learn to breathe when there seems to be no air to inhale. And my eyes still search for your face in every crowd.

[thelionandthewolfpack]

[thelionandthewolfpack]

We're on the right side of rock bottom..and I hope that we keep falling.

[thelionandthewolfpack]

don’t threaten me with a good time (x)

[thelionandthewolfpack]

[thelionandthewolfpack]

pinfishpinkl.tumblr.com 👼🏼⭐️

[thelionandthewolfpack]

I'm not making this about gender. I'm saying we're truly lucky if we are able to say we love ourselves.

I completely agree with you. That's why I am encouraging that self love is practiced, instead of seeking love from other people.

[thelionandthewolfpack]

What if a girl has made you feel insignificant, what if I'm the person that you described in your rant and that person is a boy. And believe me, it is quite possible to wake up in the morning and say you don't love yourself anymore. Believe me.

It absolutely can go both ways, both genders,both standpoints. This was just a rant from my personal viewpoint, and experience.

[thelionandthewolfpack]

If you're reading this, don't you DARE let a boy ever make you feel insignificant. Don't become dependant on anyone else to make you feel complete and worth something. You are enough in this world on your own, you do NOT need anyone else to give you worth. Don't be afraid to be alone, because sometimes it is the most beautiful and rewarding thing a person can be. To be completely content and full of self love is the most challenging, but best way to be in life. To lay down at night in your own bed, and not be waiting to hear the door creak open and close late at night. To not check your phone every 5 minuets. To not schedule your whole life around someone else. To not constantly ask "will you go with me?". To not apologize for having feelings. To not feel chosen over. Just be content with yourself, and all of the beautiful things you are capiable of. Let no one hold you back. Go kick ass and take names. Thrive. Grow. Be alone. Afterall..you won't wake up one morning and tell yourself that you don't love you anymore.

[thelionandthewolfpack]

[thelionandthewolfpack]

"I'll see you later tonight." *doesn't come home at all* ...COOL.

[thelionandthewolfpack]

Everybody thinks that we're perfect, please don't let them look through the curtains.

[thelionandthewolfpack]

Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) dir. Blake Edwards

[thelionandthewolfpack]

Yawning Fox, Cassiar Range, BC by Paul Malon

[thelionandthewolfpack]

Marilyn Monroe photographed by Milton Greene, 1953.

[thelionandthewolfpack]