thelifeofro

[thelifeofro]

Everything could have been anything else

and it will still be as meaningful.

(should)

[thelifeofro]

still dream about you

03/01/2019

wrote this down when i genuinely dreamt about jordan and it felt so real i tried to go back to sleep just to try and dream again. this was also at a time where i was sleeping excessive amounts. sleeping is still my favorite thing to do. here is a shit  poem that does not rhyme

make sure i get to bed on time

might see you in my dreams.

i’ll sleep all day if i have to,

must see you in my dreams.

if for a second it was real,

still better than reality.

whats the point of reality,

if its not the one i want to perceive

PS. kind of feel like a crazy stalker lady now 

[thelifeofro]

what is love/ baby dont hurt me

03/01/2019

im missing j so much more recently. maybe its because im moving back to dubai. i wonder if he thinks about me at all or if hes moved on completely. i have this hope that i might get to see him again. i think that's part of the reason i didn't try very hard to get a job. I obviously want him back. i will always love that boy. i have never known anyone  like him, or known anyone the way i know him. But there is a lot of internal conflict/ cognitive dissonance. it would be very selfish of me to ask him if he still has feelings for me or to try to reconnect even in a platonic manner. i don’t think i could ever think of him as my friend. he will always be my baby. although i have lost my right to be called his. the facts are that i have been horrible, and i am just a negative impact on well to be fair in general i am a burden to everyone im close to. Jordan deserves so much better than me. he has a beautiful soul. i’ve seen people take advantage of his kindness. i never thought i would be another person to hurt him and make him trust the world less and less. 

it was always supposed to be team rojo vs. the world. i have ruined that. its a shame. every time i think about him, i am overwhelmed with negative feelings. i mostly feel guilt for cheating on him, but i also feel like i wasted our time together and i should have cherished him more. I was definitely blinded by love, but i genuinely believed we would be together until either of us died. I really dont know what to do. i know i shouldn’t contact him. he needs to move on and i think he might have already, with another girl called ro. well i say already but it has been 9 months. i am toxic and bad and i need to stay out of his life. I just have to keep saying that to myself. i have already been selfish with him i don’t deserve to be with him again. I don't think he wants me to contact him either because he’s blocked me on everything and i don’t see him on runescape. 

i really need to work on myself and try to be a better person and believe that im a better person and actually love myself too before i can think about getting back together with him. Like with ethan, hes cute and sweet but its really just a distraction. i just want jordan. i lied to ethan too. i told him that i was over jordan and that i like him too but im not and i dont. i feel a little less lonely when im being cuddled and the sex is good but id want jordan over him or anyone else really any day. what i did was wrong and terrible and also i want to say FUCK matthew. ‘comforting’ me when i was emotional and fighting with jordan the prick knew exactly what he was doing. makes me sick now hearing his name. how could i have been so stupid? reckless!! thrown away everything i had with this boy that i love. but its true he didnt have commitments to anyone - i did and i broke it. and for that i deserve every negative emotion i feel in relation to jordy. 

its a shame that all i think about when i think of my baby is the bad parts. we have so many good and happy memories. i hope he remembers at least some of the good ones. 

i  might be being childish. i dont know. i dont know what is real and what is a fantastical ideation. i didnt even really believe in ‘true love’ like the movies. but i do now. i love jordan. and i cant really explain this feeling like we were SUPPOSED to be together, like its not even our choice - even though we chose to be together. it was like we HAD to be together like we were two lil dominoes in one of those elaborate set ups aand we had to be positoned exactly together in this specific position, and even tho were just like 2 pieces in thousssssaaands...if we were’nt positioned like that then the dominoes wouldn’t go off like theyre suppposed to. its frustrating that i cant explain this feeling. you know that line in movies where they go ‘this is bigger than both of us’ i think i understand it now. or misunderstand it with this feeling. 

i remember meeting him on the first date and it went so well we just kept it going until  i had to leave before the metro closed. we went to the bowling centre in MOE, it was so cute and then we went to hummingbird bakery and had cupcakes, and then to dubai mall to watch that movie which to be honest i was looking at the screen but ii was not paying attention at all. we were holding handss and i was nervous and excited like fuckkk. the butterflies were crazy and my palms were probably sweating and i was embarrassed bout that too. i remember he was holding my hand and put them to his chest. what a cutie. after that we had our first kiss... not exaggerating i slowly started falllingg in love with him from then on. i had butterflies the whole way home could barely gett to sleep with all the excitement. i have to get to sleep it’s 3:50 am but i will write again soon. hopefully tomorrow. i hope to have sweet and pleasant dreams about us 

[thelifeofro]

Reflection

01/01/2019

It’s a new year. i do not feel excitement for it like i used to when i was younger. no sense of importance for the day. I find these man made measures of time quite arbitrary. however, i suppose a year is a decent unit of time to consider when reflecting on your life. I hope to journal my thoughts and emotions so that i can understand myself better, and maybe try to make sense of this existence. starting with this post, to reflect on 2018.

Last year i have had the opportunity to make some beautiful and important memories for which i am very grateful. I can also truly say that i've had some of the worst days of my life.  I got to know what love feels like, and then lost it. I started my masters degree in a russell group university, and failed to get the grades that i am capable of. i got help when i was overwhelmed emotionally, and that was the best thing i did this year. i wish i had done it sooner, how could i not have when i’ve been dealing with these thoughts and feelings for several years. i should have realised sooner probably when i started cutting myself in school. in a burst of positivity i took a solo trip to glasgow to clear my head and ended up getting arrested on the way back.

 I rediscovered the importance of family, the only people that will love and support you unconditionally even though i definitely do not deserve it. i feel guilty for blocking them out and not communicating. simple as it sounds to just talk, it’s very difficult for me. Its always a reminder of how ashamed and embarrassed i am of myself, when i was brought up with love, how could i turn out like this. i know it’s all my fault, how could they have known the way my brain works just casts a dark could and makes everything seem negative. i’ve been angry with them mostly confusion because their support of me is completely illogical, and this just leads to more guilt.  it's a perpetual cycle driven by guilt, of pushing them away, trying to reconnect, and more guilt.  

got to have an amazing week long uk trip and spend time with my brother but feel bad that he saw me crying so many times. why do i have to be such a burden on the family, i am dead weight. 

My thought process always seems to lead my train of thought into a dark empty tunnel so here are a list of positive things or things ive been grateful for this year.

1.) Jejc

2.) NHS

3.) Going out/parties

4) travelling with mummy and S

5) graduated with a masters in science 

6) course rep

7) therapy and meds

8) K&K

9) charlie

10) winter/summer holiday in NI

11) halls fam