thelichensystem

[thelichensystem]

[thelichensystem]

FIRST UPDATE - 2:16 AM, 5/20/2024 - 3:39 AM, 5/20/2024

Current mood: A little bit blank/tired + blank + lonely

Overwhelmed?: Honestly? Maybe a tiny bit. I can hear every single noise :[

Watching on youtube: A wifeswap episode review by Grim regarding a Karen

Lonely?: very, nobody's here

Current task: Writing this/watching youtube/trying not to miss everyone

Snacks?: None rn, will probably make chicken mac n cheese soon though. Might have some strawberries with it, or a cakepop.

(UPDATE: thinking about food DID produce food guilt)

Mad at parents?: Not particularly, haven't been thinking about it

Mad at friends?: Not really, though a bit upset at my secondary friend group for their recent lack of care towards my mental condition/ignoring my vents.

Relationship thoughts (OH BOY THIS SECTION IS LONG!): Whilst I miss my boyfriend, I'm currently concerned. He seems to want me to be Catholic too, which is understandable considering he's in the religion and seems to believe it strongly. I don't really think I'm in the correct mental state to join a religion, and I'm scared our relationship will just become him trying to convert me instead of loving me for me. I don't like it. I've also really been craving more affection, but I always feel like I'm pressuring/bugging him/being too clingy when I try to initiate anything. I worry this is just due to me possibly having an issue with hypersexuality, though I still won't deny my emotions. I wish I knew how to tell him this, but whenever I try to have a serious conversation about things I need from a relationship, I feel extreme fear/guilt, and typically end up backing down. I think this is due to me being deeply afraid that any sort of conversation/me asking for help with my needs might lead to a breakup, and I really want to marry this guy, so I'm holding back on having a conversation about things I feel I'm not getting enough of. I really like when he compliments me, and I wish I knew if he likes my body, or if he's attracted to a different body type so I can try and look like that. I wish I knew if he found me attractive. I personally find him attractive physically, but ESPECIALLY as a person. (physical attraction happens to me so rarely that honestly I'm surprised even though he's objectively hot, I'm acespec) He manages to seem dominant enough that I don't feel how Alex made me feel- I was always pressured to be a top when I'm genuinely not, I'm a very submissive person. I also can't tell if he knows I'm hypersexual due to trauma, or if he thinks I'm just overly flirty when drunk (this is actually due to the fact I struggle to control my words when I'm drunk, I almost always feel a deep, unnatural level of attraction and borderline lust towards him.) I don't know if I want him to,, Be more nsfw because I genuinely can't tell if, 1, he'd be comfortable (if he isn't comfy I don't want it AT ALL.), 2, if I'd be comfortable, (I'm at a weird place in life where I both want to be sexualized and am still repulsed/scared of sex) and 3, if he even finds me sexually appealing considering how ugly I objectively am. I also don't know if he's a top, and I *need* any sexual partners to have the correct level of dominance or else I'll be reminded of Alex. (Update: Due to knowing he'll likely see this, I am now worried, along with considering deleting it. However, I will be posting it anyways. I need to have communication, even if it's through posting like I am right now. This account will be private anyways.)

Alcohol/Drugs: I've gotten high several times, and plan to take an edible right now to keep me occupied whilst alone. I haven't drank today yet. (It's 3:34 am)

Feelings on my body?: I hate how dirty my nails are. I feel my hair is a complete mess. I need lip balm. I need to shave again. I feel so fat, like, I really wish I was thin. I need a shower really bad. My clothes are filthy... Do I look stupid sitting here? 200+ pounds is a horrible weight to be at for a 4"10 person. My teeth are awful. My nose is too big. Are my ears a weird shape? I don't even know if plastic surgery can fix this. My hair is so frizzy dude I hate this.

( Update: Significantly sadder. :[ )