thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

Dear diary...

I try to be enough.

I really do.

But I also know I will never be.

There's no point in me trying. Cause in the end I'm a failure, and that's all I will ever be.

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

Why can’t I get it together?

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

I

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

Imagine there still exists

Some point in the universe’s evolution

That mankind finally provokes

The hand of God

To make itself destroy what God literally created

And then

It is free to start over

#the great reset#

October 9, 2024

On the Surface of the Water

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

I need help.

I needed help.

I’m so afraid.

So tired.

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

I also want to apologize to my father. I’m sorry I stole your money. I’m sorry I made life so much harder than it needed to be for you I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you when you called me a dumb ass boy. I’m sorry I didn’t come to the hospital. I’m sorry I thought you were wrong. I’m sorry I believed white people’s lies and comforts. I’m sorry I did not honor or respect you the way you wanted. I’m sorry I was an embarrassment to be around. I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of Jerry and Sharon. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to take me places. I’m sorry I fucked up Oklahoma City. I’m sorry I kept my mouth open. I’m sorry I didn’t learn to fight. And….I’m sorry I let Johnny fuck me in the ass.

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

Before I kill myself, I would like to apologize to any teacher or any person that took pity or felt sorry for me when I was broke and also acting very ignorant and also very stupid regarding the amount of affection and generosity you gave me. I really didn’t know any better and if I did, I really acted stupidly. 

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

I’m not dead. Despite my best intentions.

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

Dear diary...

The fact that I'm still "alive" in 2024 just feels like a huge mistake...

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

I realize my artwork and music are captain pieces of mediocre talent and worthless shit. Why the fuck didn’t those cops shoot me. Why the fuck am I still here.

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

Another thing this experience has robbed from me was the genuine responses I had received from men seeking friends. I enjoyed having conversations. I enjoyed having a job. I enjoyed fucking being alone. I enjoyed having a family. I enjoyed music. I enjoyed so much. Now I’m going to lose whatever else they want me to lose. Fuck them, bury my nigger body too.

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

[thelastthoughtsihadbeforesuicide]

This is a last testament to what I was. This is a collection of whatever the fuck I thought before I killed myself. You probably already knew why I did it.