thelastscarab

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Pics for DND, not mine

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Koto, Salem, MA

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anger

I'm angry. I come back to anger whenever I try to think about the community. It was fear before - perhaps a lot of it still is, but anger feels more apt just now. I'm not really sure what's better.

Fear crippled me, made me hid from others, isolate myself. Its fear of what I am and fear that others will see what I am. Fear that I can't be myself, that I wont be accepted. I was recently given the term "rejection sensitive dysphoria" - to me basically meaning that I'm so crippled by the fear that I'll be rejected by people that I don't have the capacity to put myself out there at all.

Anger feels better. It feels more powerful. I know that sounds narcissistic and unhealthy, but I find it hard to see it that way. I'm angry because I feel wronged, not just because I am wrong. In anger at least I find some self worth. I can accept I did wrong and messed up, but also believe that I didn't deserve to be treated the way I have been. I'm allowed to be hurt. I'm allowed to dislike my suffering, and those I feel wronged me.

I know I have to work through anger the same as I would have to work through fear. I dont' want to stay in a state of anger, but at least it's better for me. I don't want to be here, but here is better than where I was.

People have wronged me, and my feelings towards them are my own. I don't want to make them anyone else’s problem, but I also don't see why I should force myself to overcome these feelings prematurely when no one did that for me.

The people who I'm angry with; at best they abandoned me during the hardest part of my life. At worst they took the parts of me that I was already ashamed of, was working on, and trusted them with in vulnerability and used those things against me, making my weaknesses and hurts public knowledge. My trust was betrayed by people who promised me fidelity and safety. I'm not really sure how to get past that.

Others chose to share their problems with me, things that I want to know so I can make amends and do better, with others before talking to me. It was "emotional labor" for them to express concerns to me, but to spread them around like social poison took no effort at all. And the other "friends" who heard their reports had no problem sharing them until a reputation is established. A reputation no one came to me to ask about.

It's odd because I do want to forgive some of them: those who said they were my friends, then vanished and pretended like I didn't exist when the parts of me I'm least proud of were made public. Hell, even the person who said they didn't hate me - though they withheld forgiveness for my mistakes against them, and chose to make public those mistakes - to an extent. Others who have uninvited me from events and added to the ostracization I feel, maybe.

Some of them, it feels better to hate: the "Community leader" who said they were my friend and reassured me that the community was a safe place, who then took the word of my blackmailer and abuser - who waited to reach out to me until they had already made up their mind that I needed to publicly suffer for my mistakes, approached me under the guise of being concerned for my mental health and took things I said in vulnerable confidence to them - as a "friend" - and made them public, out of context. Also the person who spread their opinion of me as a "fuckboy" as fact, even though I have never yet been to an event with them where they didn't have plans to beat, fuck, or even fist a new person. (I wonder how my fear filled bids for affection and connections are fuckboy behavior, but actively approaching every femme person in our community asking to do sexual play at the next event, even if that femme isn't sure is acceptable?)

Some I still fear: the people I said genuinely dumb, insensitive, or offensive things to - I see why they would hate me, and I don't hold their rejection against me. I expect that sort of rejection from everyone at this point, and they have .

Yet the path do dealing with any of these complicated feelings towards any of them is unclear to me. Do I just pretend that the negative feelings don't exist where I can? Do I hold onto the feelings? What is the path back? What is the path to being whole that doesn't involve constantly apologizing, not just for mistakes - I'm ok with apologizing for those - but for myself?

I feel thats what I have to do: apologize for myself - for existing as me, for not knowing what "me" is exactly, for having to grow, for not being enough. Fuck that. I don't have to apologize for being myself. I'll own up for what I've done wrong, and where I need to grow because I DO need to grow. I have been actively trying to better myself and had been before those I trusted decided to make the mistakes I was recovering from into everyone's business. But who I am doesn't need explaining, justifying, or forgiveness. Its just me.

I am still growing, still figuring out, and still recovering. Thats ok. Fuck everyone else if they can't respect that. I'm worth more. I deserve more. And I want to do the work necessary to get it.

[thelastscarab]

Affirmations

I will be honest: I'm one of those people who has avoided or looked down on the concept of the "Law of Attraction" or positive affirmations. I've white-knuckled my way through life on instinct and privilege. To me, the idea that my thoughts and attitudes could affect the world around me - especially the idea that they could affect my outcomes - was, as the article on the law of attraction says, a bunch of pseudo-metaphysical "woo".

Maybe its time to reconsider that. 

After thinking about all the internal lies I tell myself, I realized how pervasive those lies have become in my identity. I live by the lies because I felt safe in them. But if I really want to change, to grow, to achieve the things that I want in life, then those lies - that negative self-talk - can't be how I define myself.

I want more out of life. I want more out of myself. I am more. I've given some thought to what my ideal life and self would be, but those images have been focused on what I should have done, what I'm not, and how I've failed. I see the life i want as too far away, and myself and my choices as a barrier to that life.

According to the law of attraction, with this mindset, of course I wallow in lack of abundance. I have set my dreams up as points of pain my own psyche. No wonder I only feel negative when i think of them.

My dreams are positive. They are full, and rich. My goals are things that, to me, would indicate happiness. Why have I couched them in the negative? I need to reframe, and, in doing so, refocus on the attitudes and actions that will actually benefit and promote my progress.  

I've only just started this reframing process. I've only just started to consider what the positive image of my life would be. I have written some affirmations; maybe they fit, maybe they will change. I will allow myself some grace if these affirmations change over time. Its been so long that I've looked at my future with fear and in pain, that building that positive image, and condensing it to a few affirmations is a challenge. But I have to start somewhere.

My affirmations, to begin:

I am peacefully reading a book that I have published.

With gratitude, I donate from my excess wealth to people and causes I believe in.

I am appreciated by and appreciative of my circle of close friends.

I live a full life.

There are more. Things will change and develop.

I am trying to build a habit of meditating with tarot every morning. I want to add these affirmations to that routine. Making the new habit will be hard. I suppose thats another affirmation to add: I am eagerly building new, healthy habits that empower my success.

Thats a good one.

[thelastscarab]

Pangea map 2

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More D&D Maps

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PEM Map layout

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DND map

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DND Map Pics. Salem Ma Parking Lot

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Writing milestone of the day: 200,000 words. #novelist #not #nanowrimo https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq24wwWgFpa/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=qv0kwhfavfze

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I'm so happy I found this! #froheweihnachten #glühwein https://www.instagram.com/p/BqkwkSVgyMw/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xmdr8seqv1e3

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Everything changed when the fire nation attacked.... https://www.instagram.com/p/BqPjvJugsNm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xc30vc2wvh4r

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I call this series how close can I get to Catto without waking him up. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp7Kv3Gg_be/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=y94wvncc53qa

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Great stories for all characters: Bucky as cap, Steve loses the shield. Hulk as a villain, Tony in asgards forge, proper ragnarok... https://www.instagram.com/p/BpvAP2DAwlp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=181m6c2pb1blg