thejoy-n-thepain

[thejoy-n-thepain]

Another man, another heartbreak

I see you’re online when I’m online. I want to message you like we accidentally bumped into each other but that’s not the case. I miss you and I just want to know how you’re doing. I love you but I had to walk away. I had to beg you to be with me, to kiss me, and to love and I shouldn’t have had to do that, so I walked. For that reason, I don’t message you. I don’t call you. I try to squish every hope and desire that I may have because at the end of the day, you do not want me or else you’d fight for me, or us. I’ll just keep repeating the good-bye.

Good Bye again

[thejoy-n-thepain]

Shout out to my bestie for receiving my random texts confessing my love or my hatred or longing that she knows isn’t really intended for her, but at least I can get it out of my system 😏

[thejoy-n-thepain]

I’m scared that because I know what it’s like to love someone, now I’ll always have this sadness in me until I love again...and I hate it. I don’t want to be sad... I just want to be 100% happy again. 

This sucks.

[thejoy-n-thepain]

At times I still miss the man I fell for but it’s just soooo disappointing finding out that he no longer exists...

[thejoy-n-thepain]

 I miss having a boyfriend and now that I know what it’s like, I want it back. 

I hate this waiting process for another person to come into my life.

Patience is not my virtue.

[thejoy-n-thepain]

I’m letting you go.

You lost my trust. You lost my respect. And now you have lost my love.

There is nothing here for you anymore.

Good bye to my biggest disappointment…

[thejoy-n-thepain]

I was trying not to reply but I had to!!! I just want you to leave me alone especially if you’re still trying to be with her! I don’t want to go back to the anger I felt before so just leave me out of this. I don’t want you so don’t disrespect me by telling me you love me while you still talk to her. It’s both disgusting and degrading.

[thejoy-n-thepain]

On this lovely snow day, you text me: “Please be careful if you go out and drive for me please!!!”

Did you send it to HER too?

Leave me alone, you piece of shit.

[thejoy-n-thepain]

Begging

Just leave me alone...please... you’ve hurt me enough... just please... please...leave me alone...please.

[thejoy-n-thepain]

Hurt

Like really... haven't you hurt me enough... you. still. talk. to. her.

You told her about our first outing together since our ending. You gave me hope when I already deemed you hopeless just to crush it again.

I hate you. 

You are selfish and stupid and disgusting. Why do you hurt me this way. You say you love me. You say you want me. But you continue to hurt me and disrespect me and embarrass me. I hate you. 

I hate you more than you know.

[thejoy-n-thepain]

The Constant Disappointment

You wrote me letters apologizing and asking for a second chance. You also said you loved me and that you want me, you missed me, you wanted a future with me. 

You scare me and I don’t want you back but those letters made me crack a little and I started to hope again but I couldn’t trust you. 

I responded to your letter where I bared my heart and soul and expressed how much you hurt me and how much I actually loved you...

We held each other and our lips met once again... it was nice, but you scare me still and the letters aren’t enough...

We planned to meet again 2 days later but I received a text from HER again...that very same night. I asked you about it and you told me you had told her about us...

what. a. joke. 

You were writing these beautiful things and I really thought you were going to work for it, but you still. don’t. know. 

I’m walking away. You don’t deserve me. You don’t know what you want. I actually kind of hate you. I hope I never see you again cause you are just the saddest thing and the most disappointing thing in my life.... 

Thank you for all the lessons...

[thejoy-n-thepain]

I love you so much… more than you can ever know… you want another chance but I can’t do that to myself again. My heart may not be able to handle it… but just know I love you more than you can ever know…

[thejoy-n-thepain]

I wish you were here to keep me company and study with me. You would have loved the videos that I have to watch… or you would hate them lol! But you would help me focus and you could reward me with sweet kisses after each section.

I miss you. I miss us.

[thejoy-n-thepain]

For you, it’s out of sight, out of mind. 

For me, it’s out of sight, every second in mind. 

[thejoy-n-thepain]

Sliver of hope

I just want to say that I hate.. absolutely HATE how little time means to you!!

You take forever to send this letter that responds to me saying can we be friends after you just asked for a second chance. Did you even mean it cause you do very VERY little to actually want it. It’s quite annoying.

Especially because by writing this letter, it DOES spark a little hope in me just for you to crush it. once. again. 

I guess in way it helps because after so much disappointment, eventually I’ll be able to completely let go that it won’t matter what you do.

At least, that’s the hope...

[thejoy-n-thepain]

You wrote me a letter… you used calligraphy and a wax stamp with classy paper… I loved it and I love you.

You apologized for everything. You said you regret it. You said it’s me you miss the most. It’s me that you want… but you use words like I’m your number one option but you should have used words that expressed I’m the only one for you not the best out of all but the. Only. One. You asked for forgiveness and second chance.

I wrote back. I love you. I want you in my life and I want to be in yours but I can never trust you with my heart again. I want to figure out how to be friends. I have forgiven you but I can never forget that you chose someone else over me. You ran when it got hard and you are still hiding but now you’re hiding behind pen and paper.

We worked together and you still couldn’t look at me so I came to you. I told you to stop punishing yourself because you are punishing me too. Do you really think I don’t want my first love in my life?!? I’m okay so stop all this avoiding and feeling guilty. You weren’t feeling guilty when you ran to her… when you kissed her… when you fucked her… so DON’T start now.

I hate that I love you anyway. I hate that I can forgive you and I hate that I want to know how you’re doing and I hate that I want to tell you how I’m doing. But I do…

You told me another letter was coming and that was a big mistake because I waited 4 days for it come… you became something I hoped for again after I already deemed you hopeless… but here we are… I’m the hopeless one cause all I want is for you to fight for me. Show me that you will do whatever it takes to show me that you want me and only me. That you want to be my family… but you do nothing but rake FOREVER to write a letter and never really talk to me.

I just wish you were a better man. A better man would fight. A better man would love.

[thejoy-n-thepain]

It’s been 5 months (almost to the day) and you wrote me a letter. I’m too sleepy to dwell on it but I’m thankful because I have been wondering how you have been. I work with you again tonight so I’m just going to wait until I’m off and well slept before I deal or react to it.