theirnamewaslove

[theirnamewaslove]

YOU CANT COME IN THE ROOM!

The Room I moved my whole life into

Where My Mascara Still lied untouched for 5 weeks

My Panties still in the Corner of the Basket

All of my Clothes and My things here

I made a Honeycombed Home out of His apartment

And in still it was not somewhere I could call home, nor was any place I could call Home.

A life to the Family Shelter system is what I endured. While he ate and drank in the Home I decorated for US, as always he got what he wanted out of me and

....

I stood on business &

Told him he was responsible for this life too even if I was losing it but tbh He thought I deserved it .

He held me Responsible

Responsible for who I held. Responsible to Help take care of me like he used to when I was sick with a cold. We needed Responsible.

But the first 5 letters of that is Response Minus the E.

And Thats what his responses ran on

...E ...

Like the First and Last Letters of his name

Fucking

Empty

..........................

He wanted to do nothin but fall asleep while im speaking to him

like Im nothing,

.....

slammed the door in my face

& fell somber Asleep like those who are used to Chaos & become the ones who inflicts it. They Sleep The Best at Night.

.......

After he let me miscarry by myself, said he wanted to be there for me over the phone

and when It was time

He dreamt of Better things he could be doing with his time than to hear me suffer

and when he woke there was nothing more that he enjoyed than to see it

Day 3 I continued to lose any blood I could possibly have left but there was just

more ..

But Baby, Did you have time to go so soon?

Could I tell you I love you While I feel You form Once more?

Can My Stomach stay full & Round for one more day? Just for one more hour?

And we can play house and pretend?

But this is what got us into this mess in the first place....

*Why Does Everyone have to Leave?*

*Why?*

Please. Stay. But if you have to go. Please.

Dont

I never wanted you to leave.

I know I said I did once & I swallowed my Tongue as I did.

Love,

I didnt mean it that way.....:

I just wanted Safe

I just wanted to save you from him.

My heart raced at the thought of him using you to get to me

How he'd take you away to himself So that he could hurt me

But

Just know

You were never A Pawn in this mess

....

But... (hate to say)

your Donor would have treated you as one

Sometime until you were old enough to speak for yourself like Your Big Brother not even the

I Still I feel I have failed your brothers first years

Your Dad Grew up in the Foster System & Knew it like the back of his handcuffs... but I ended up in some Trying to protect your Brother

How the Fuck Does that Happen

Lying to the court under Oath

Thats how

I belive the word is Stupid,

for believing I could Believe in Him

Maybe I shouldve kept my mouth shut

"Do the right thing!"

Rang in my head. And from Pressured family members.

But the hairs stood up on my arms before I told you and I contemplated if it was a mistake to

"Do the right thing"

The Generic "Right thing" isnt right for everyone (something I wish I wouldve told my younger self)

But Only God Knows

And His Love is a mighty one

But like Old habits they die hard

& the only kind of "love" your "Father" knows

Is A. Toxic one

.....

He Looks at me with a smile on his face

Do .you .need. A. Hug?

No love behind his Eyes

No Comfort in his Smile

Just.. Humorless Sarcasm.

Like a Lion waiting for its Prey

His Once beautiful smile turned Grim in full Effect

Like he'd waiting for a moment to comfort me and take it away

Like a Candy

From

A

....

Yk

Do. You. Need. A. Hug ?

What I wanted to say was yes. But what l actually said was, no I need a fuck.

And he stopped in his tracks

His Smile fell still

Expression Went Blank

He didnt expect a quick response like that.

........

.....

**and not from you**

He stood Silent & His Breathe Stopped Short

Yeah, I said I could lay A fuck to someone else bc thats the only thing that couldve made him feel even a decimal Of how He made US Feel ...

But it wasnt True

I

didnt

have

any

fucks

to give anymore

[theirnamewaslove]

You were born within the Same Month your "Dad" was Born & Died the same month I gave life to your big brother. Life & Death So Close Yet So far. I cant say "Dad" without Quotations because he didnt love you nor I. He Loved Whatever we could be. But your brother. He loved you. Every bit of you. He'd wake up and ask if there was a baby in my stomach until the day came where the only answer I had to your brother's questions were not yes or no but just silence. Because you were still here. But just not with me.

Mateo, He left you to die with me, in me.

He left us is his apartment hallway, watching you trail down my legs as if you dying was not enough, He told us to go Die at your Grandmas. As if my soul and innocence had not died enough there as a child. Funny.... how ironic things can really be.

And before you, I had thought the last of my innocence inside had been long taken & forgotten but you were nothing but. I had thought the only innocence I could carry would be your brother in my arms and not.. you. I Wished more for you. I did. I think I did better....

I Prayed.

I Prayed For A Miracle, To Keep you out of harm's way

For you not to be cursed of a life of pain and suffering for the sins of a "father" or Mother or family.

I Prayed harder than I ever had before.

I Prayed and I prayed and I prayed

For God to Save someone like you if he couldnt save your "dad" or me Or your brother at the time. I had to ask for you to be saved from the person who "helped create you" I Wanted To Save you. What did that mean exactly? To Ask for God to Save you? I mean what did it really mean...

Be careful what you wish for.....

That is what He said to me. He said I wished for you to be Gone... He told me it was my fault because I told him I SWEAR TO GOD IF I LOSE THIS BABY ITS BECAUSE OF THE STRESS YOU PUT ME THROUGH!

YOU WANTED A BABY! YOU TOLD YOUR FAMILY YOU WANTED THIS ! I TOLD YOU I WASNT READY !

Please STAY

Just STAY

GO! I

Please Stop

Please Leave!

Just go!

I dont want YOU here

Is the baby still inside of you?

Come home.....

........

YOU SAID YOU WERE THINKING OF HAVING AN ABORTION! THATS NOT WHAT I WANT! I WANT A BABY! I WANT YOU HERE BUT NOT HERE !

........

Are you still pregnant? Ok Good....so you can go...

..........

OKAY So then If youre okay I dont want you here just GO I just want me and My SON! ALONE!

But Im not... Im bleeding? Alot...and Im scared, I dont know whats going on I have an appointment to check it out on Saturday to see if everythings okay

**Friday night calls of worrying**

I DONT CARE IF IT HURTS

........

IM NOT OPENING THE DOOR! You can stand out there I dont CARE!

........

My sisters/female friends say bleeding is normal ! You're dramatic

But it hurts really bad and Its not normal ! Please youre the last person I want to ask for help but youre the only person that should

PLEASE help me!

*deleted a recording from my voice memos pleading with him to help* all he can focus on is his own voice

.........

......

....

As He watched me Give Birth to Life & Death in his bathtub, He didnt believe me when I said I could die. He didnt believe my screams. He didnt even believe in the horrific cries.

He believed a 2 second phone conversation and his sister that had no kids of her own who did not give him any children to bare.

And thats only when he cried. And cried. And cried. Why did you cry? Because this is not what you expected when you forced life into this.... or you didnt believe your own seed was dying, being pushed out infront of your eyes? Or was it because the last bits of YOUR innocence was being raped by your selfish needs.

I did not WANT to know what you being Saved meant but I knew in a way what it might mean...

A)by the miracle of God I was a Virgin Mary again and the only Father or daddy you would have ever had is God

B) Everything was going to be alright and somehow I could keep you here with me on Earth, safe, just the three of us

C) You would go back to the Stars & would never have to deal with a broken home, and be at peace in Your First home.... Heaven.

And as Long as it took you to get here you left me in a second as forver can last that way. C. Was the Answer that God chose.

1:30 am Bits of you floated

2:00am He Flushed you and me with you, down his drain, with disgust on his face. I did not see blood, or just any clot, I saw you. Not whatever was on his face and in mind.

2:15am The ambulance was called and picking me up

2:16am

I love you...

Okay?

call me when you get to the hospital

I love you

*silence*

(As if the EMTS couldnt see right through his bullshit)

I DONT CARE IF YOURE BLEEDING GO BLEED AT YOUR MOTHERS HOUSE

*just getting back from the Hospital*

*first time I see him again**

Well, you spoke it into existence

IT WAS MY BABY TOO! I know I wasnt there BUTTTT

BUTTT

BUTTT

OUR child we lost OUT child ! (Man who abandoned the thought for months until the misconception)

THE BABY WAS MINE TOO! I wish I couldve been there for you I want to be there for you! Its just hard being there for you! Near you! You say this you say that I cant handle being around you but I want to have a baby with you! I want our family back!

I WANT

I WANT

I WANT

I said I wanted to be alone with our kid because you never let us be alone! But I didnt mean it! I just want to spend time with him alone! But I wanted you there! And the baby! And all of us ! Together! Living in separate houses! While you have the baby in your house!

I want to be here for you I just cant do this

.......

Well you spoke it into existence so thats what happens ☺️ (sounds like his sister or one of his followers)

Mmm...... but I didnt ask God to give me a miscarriage.....

yes, I spoke it into existence. I told you if I have a miscarriage it's because of the fact that you put me through this kind of stress it's because God knows you don't deserve anything else from me

So God said heard

I told him to help me through this situation

I told him that if this child is to be harmed in any way, because of this fallen angel, please protect my child the best way you can

And what happened happened

*silence*

IM HURTING TOO ! YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND !

.....

Youre right. I guess I never will.