theinvisibletree

[theinvisibletree]

The Performance

The day her grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, Judith lost her journal. It was a black notebook with a soft cover and ivory-colored pages. After Judith searched in every place – her grandmother’s house, the drawers next to the hospital bed, the practice room at her college, and the cashier counter from the restaurant where she worked part time – she eventually accepted the fact that the notebook is nowhere to be found. When she told that to her grandmother, she saw a smile on her grandmother’s face: “Don’t worry, Jude. I will get you another one.”

It all started two months ago when Judith received a call from grandmother. She hung up the phone and arrived home overnight. “Jude,” said her grandmother on the phone, “I can’t get off from the bed.” They went to the hospital. It hurts Judith to watch her grandmother being surrounded by different medical appliances. She was told that at this stage surgery is not an option, and chemotherapy will be needed. The night after Judith took her grandmother home, she figured out what she needs to do. The next day she did not return to college. Instead, she applied for a full-time job at the grocery store nearby. She was told that she can start as soon as possible. In the afternoon she sat with her grandmother, posting pictures of the family piano online, selling it for five thousand dollars. In the evening she sent emails to all the instructors who taught her this semester. It was not before long that she received a message from Professor Lebedinsky, scheduling an in-person meeting in his dean’s office. Judith went in the second day. Before she sat down, she received this straightforward question from him:

“Give me one reason that you want to drop out of college.”

“I cannot afford studying music anymore.” She replied. Professor Lebedinsky then asked, if this is about paying for her tuition, and there will be an on-campus audition for piano department next week, a full scholarship.

“It is not about scholarship, Professor.” Judith said. “I don’t see another way around this. I need the money from my tuition for some urgent use.”

“Which is more important than your degree?”

“Yes.”

Professor Lebedinsky stopped asking more questions. Judith remained seated and looked away, waiting for him to approve. On the office table next to the laptop there was a miniature bust of Schubert. The miniature was nicely sculpted that Judith could see the wrinkles flowing on the cravat. Soon she would be working at the grocery store, stocking inventories and checking out customer purchases, and no one would be talking about Schubert anymore.

“Alright.” He spoke finally, “Talk to the counselor. The procedure usually takes about a month.” While exiting the office, Judith saw him taking off his glasses, looking tired.

The whole process was easier than what Judith had imagined. Very soon she will have her tuition refunded to her to cover the cost of chemotherapy for now. But she can’t take any rest. Once she starts working full time she will not be able to take care of her grandmother during the day. She needs to consider the expenses of a nursing home. Working at the restaurant on weekends would help, but she needs more. Judith realized she needs to keep this one job that she was about to turn down.

It was the first on-campus recital Judith performed as a sophomore. Normally students would apply in their junior years, but Professor Lebedinsky was sure that Judith is ready. Before the recital starts, Judith saw an old man sitting in the first row of the audience, arriving much earlier than faculties. “That is Mr. Henderson. He has sponsored a few scholarships.” A senior student told her. Judith had heard of him. In fact, all her classmates are overawed by Mr. Henderson due to his austere disposition. There was this hearsay about him that when he used to teach at the Juilliard, he would interrupt the performance of any students in the middle of their exam and leave the room, should they have not practiced well. Therefore, it was quite out of Judith’s expectation when she saw Mr. Henderson slowly walking towards her after the recital, asking her if she would like to play for him some time in his house. “Don’t go, Jude. You don’t want to be sad on a Friday evening.” Her dormmate said half-jokingly, but Judith went regardless. It’s a part-time job well paid. Plus, she got to play the grand Steinway, a truly beautiful instrument. Judith went, and she kept going. Now she has been playing for Mr. Henderson for an entire year. But today she was afraid to play for him. She has not been practicing at all these days. It would be better if she turned down his generous offer, instead of the other way around. Yet she wanted to give it a try, to see if she could keep the job. While still struggling, Judith found herself on the subway heading to Mr. Henderson’s place.

The commute is about 30 mins. Judith sat down at the window seat. She failed to stay alert but fell asleep. She had a dream about meeting her mother: She was seven, in her grandmother’s house, holding in her arm a hedgehog plush. There was a beautiful lady dressed in red standing in the hallway, talking to her grandmother. In the realm of Judith’s dream the lady was wearing a white draped cloth covering her face, like the female lover in René Magritte’s painting. The lady finished talking, turned to Judith for a second, then opened the front door and left the house. Judith discovered that her grandmother was crying. “Go back to your room, Jude.” She smiled at Judith, “Under your bed there is something for you. I hope you like it.” Judith unwrapped the gift. It was a small black notebook. On the first page it says: “Happy Birthday Jude. With Love, Grandma.” Then Judith woke up. She checked her surroundings and realized that she had missed her station – She was supposed to get off 20 minutes ago. She grabbed her score book and quickly rushed off at the next stop. By the time she reached Mr. Henderson’s house, she was late for an hour.

“You were not on time. Not even close.” Said Mr. Henderson sternly, “I hope you are aware of that.”

“I am very sorry.” Judith followed Mr. Henderson into the house, biting her lips a little.

In the middle of the living room lies the grand piano. Judith put up her score book on the music shelf and adjusted her stool. She is playing Beethoven tonight. The first note she played she sensed something different. She is losing her dexterity with the keyboard. The touch of her fingers felt sloppy no matter how much she tried, and she forgot how she used to apply her fingerings. The way she used the extension petal sounded muddy, and she started hitting the wrong note, one after another. The piano became a wuthering monster tonight, and the sonata she is playing turned into an unwinding labyrinth from which she couldn’t escape. In the end Judith stopped playing, without finishing the third movement. Sitting in a complete silence, she wished she had never come here tonight.

Mr. Henderson sat still. Behind his glasses Judith saw his expression, so austere that she couldn’t take it but look away. The silence lasted for 30 seconds, or maybe longer. Judith couldn’t tell. Eventually Mr. Henderson spoke:

“Tell me, what happened exactly?”  

“I…… I have not been practicing lately. I am very sorry, Mr. Henderson.”

“That is not what I meant,” He leaned forward, putting the weight of his hands on his legs, fixing his eyes on Judith. Judith felt cold as if she was walking barefoot in the snow. “I mean, what happened to you?”

Judith could not move. She did not know how to reply without embarrassing herself. What was she thinking, really, coming here tonight? This is not a job that she qualifies anymore. She opened her mouth but couldn’t say a word. Mr. Henderson continued:

“The performance. We both know that it was not the best you can do tonight, and I want to know why. I use to like your performances. All of them. You were very talented, and hardworking. But tonight I saw a talented student losing it, and I could not pretend that I didn’t see it. I want to know what happened to you, and why you are giving up.”

Judith felt frozen as if she was thrown into a river in early January. She sat in silence, while Mr. Henderson staring at her with a strict look. She heard her own voice from a distance:

“I…… I don’t want to play music anymore.”

Suddenly she started talking nonstop.

“I am sorry, Mr. Henderson. I should have talked to you. I can’t play for you anymore. I can’t afford studying music. I need to start making a living right now. I must. I am not good enough for a concert for now. I must figure out something else. I sold my grandmother’s piano, I am going to be working at a grocery store, and I am going to drop out of college. The tuition refund will cover for some medical bills, otherwise I cannot afford chemotherapy for my grandmother. My grandmother,” Judith took a deep breath, “She is not doing well. She is dying, I can feel it. She raised me up and she is all I’ve got.” Judith found herself impossible to go on. Tears fell on her hands. She covered her face and cried silently.

Mr. Henderson listened quietly without saying a word. When Judith stopped talking, he stood up from his chair. “Stay here.” He told Judith. Then he turned around and walked to his study. When he returned he brought a soft towel, a black pen, and a file folder. He gave the towel to Judith and asked her:

“How much do you need for chemotherapy?”

“Ten grand.”

Mr. Henderson took out the checkbook from his folder. After he finished writing, he gave Judith the check:

“Here is twenty grand.”

Judith couldn’t believe what had just happened.

“I don’t know what to say, Mr. Henderson. That is too much.” She paused, “Thank you. But I can’t take it. I don’t see a way that I can pay you back.”

Mr. Henderson gazed at Judith with a serious look.

“I want you to take it, young lady.” He continued, “And reconsider your decision. I have sponsored a lot of talented students, and I will do the same for you now. I hope you will decide to finish your school. And I hope you will buy the piano back.” He paused, looking at Judith’s score book, “And remember, no matter what,” He sounds firm, “Never stop playing.”

With Mr. Henderson’s support, Judith continued her school. Ten months later, she arrived at Professor Lebedinsky’s office, discussing details about her first concert, and asking him if she could reserve two seats. When she was about to leave, Professor Lebedinsky called her. “Almost forgot. I think this is yours.” He took out a notebook from his top drawer. Judith recognized it immediately. The black journal she lost is returning to her. She opened it and saw the familiar signature: “With Love, Grandma.” On her way to the subway station she stopped shortly at the graveyard. She put down a dozen of white roses on her grandmother’s tombstone, together with one of the tickets she just reserved from Professor Lebedinsky. The other seat is saved for Mr. Henderson. She wanted to deliver the ticket to him by herself. The sun shines upon the grass. The winter has passed, and spring is here.

1.24.2021 – 1.27.2021

[theinvisibletree]

Natalie’s Little Backyard: A Tale of Autumn

If you have ever been to M street, at the end of the road you will find a handsome little house. It is built of red bricks, plenty of windows, and surrounded by a large amount of greeneries. Like every house in this town, it has a story to tell. Like all the old stories, it all begins in a fine afternoon.

It is a normal Saturday in October, but for Zoe it is special, as today is her first time visiting Natalie’s new house. There is a little yard at the back of the house. Ever since Natalie moved in, she has been growing a lot of different plants: a few herbs of basil and mint which have already nicely branched out, and a few shrubs of roses that have just blossomed. The sun shines upon the backdoor porch, the golden light gently touching the ground. Zoe felt the wind rises a bit. She could see the clouds drifting quietly in the blue sky. Natalie plucked a few leaves of mint and basil. She planned to use them for dinner. She went back inside with Zoe and started washing these fresh herbs.

Inside the house in the living room, Natalie’s cat, Oreo, woke up on the beige couch from her afternoon nap. Oreo is a beautiful tabby cat about 3 years old. She has a nice long fur coat, soft and smooth, in light ginger color mixed with black color stripes here and there. She reached out her pink paws, gently pounced on the back of the other cat lying next to her: “Peaches, wake up!” Peaches is Zoe’s cat. She is 5 years old, a bit older than Oreo. She has long, dark grey fur on her back, and creamy white fur on her belly. Slowly turning over, she covered her paws on Oreo’s little nose: “What happened, Oreo?”

“I just had a dream – I was hunting!” said Oreo happily, her paws waving in the air. “I caught a squirrel. It was not big though.” She opened her mouth and laughed, revealing her little sharp teeth. She stood up from the couch, yawned happily, and jumped onto the carpet floor. “Let’s go hunting today!”

“It will be fun indeed!” Peaches made a few stretches, her tail high in the air. “I used to hunt a lot. If you like, I can show you a trick or two.”

“That would be great! Let’s go practice. Come on.” Oreo ran to the back door in a blink of an eye. She gave the door a gentle push. The door is now open. Peaches then followed Oreo into the outside yard.

“Let’s find something smaller to begin with.” said Peaches, looking around. To her surprise, she heard a narrow voice talking in high pitch with fear. Sounds like the voice is coming from the back of the yard, where the mint is being planted:

“Begin with what? What is happening?”

“Don’t worry, Mint, Natalie is not moving again shortly.” Another beautiful voice. From the rose shrub.

“It’s okay, everyone.” said Oreo. She walks to the center of the yard, gathering every plant together. “This is Peaches. She is my friend! She is here today to practice hunting with me.”

After hearing Oreo, the plants slowly showed themselves from the shadows. Peaches found herself surrounded by a few herb plants and little daisies, looking at her with their large eyes. The rose blossom revealed herself from the leaves, reaching out one of her branches to Peaches and said with a pleasant voice, as if she is singing: “Welcome, Miss Peaches, to our kingdom.” Her tender crimson petals gently blossom in the sunlight, waving in the breeze.  

“Thank you, Miss Oreo.” As he calming down his voice, the plant mint showed his face. “We usually pretend that we cannot talk, in front of Natalie. All of us. And our queen Rose too, of course. Ahem - ” He cleared his throat. “My name is Mint. I am the knight of the backyard kingdom. And here is my brother Basil…… Wait. Basil? Where are you?” Not until now did Mint realize that Basil is not by his side. Everyone looks around. It appears that at some point Basil moved himself near the dining room windows, through which he could see an entire view of the dining table and the kitchen area. He puts his basil leaves on the windowsill, fascinated by what is happening inside.

“Basil! What are you doing! Come back!” exclaimed Mint.

“Not now!” replied Basil. He turned his head back. “This is important! Natalie is making an afternoon drink!”

“Ah great!” Mint looks very happy on hearing that. “It must be a drink made of mint!”

“There are a lot of things going on!” Basil is very excited now. He puts his whole weight on the glass. “Natalie just used a bunch of limes. She is now cutting up some fresh strawberries!”

“Strawberries are very tasty.” said Queen Rose with a sweet mellow voice.

“Ah this is it! The moment!” exclaimed Basil. “Natalie is choosing the herb!”

“Choose me! Choose me!” Mint is so nervous that he almost fainted into Queen Rose’s bush.

“Not me…… Not Thyme…… Not…… Mint, Sorry……” Basil keeps reporting.

“My heart is officially broken.” Mint fainted on the ground. Oreo tried her best to help him stand up again, but it is not working too well.

“Final result, everyone! It’s Cousin Rosemary! She got picked!” Basil waved his leaves in great surprise.

“That is not bad. I am feeling better now! That girl is special. I like her.” Mint slowly rises from the ground. “Thank goodness it isn’t Cousin Parsley.” He sighed deeply, “She thought she is better than me. So pretentious. Just look at her parsley leaves.”

“Come over and meet Peaches, Basil! We are going hunting today!” said Oreo in high spirit.

“That is a fantastic idea, Miss Oreo!” said Basil, “Which one of us would you like to hunt?”

“It does not work like that!” Oreo laughed, rolling on the ground and displaying her soft little belly. “We will do some excises here, like this,” She reached out her front leg, swiftly swiping in the air. “See how fast I can move? Ha! Then we are going to hunt for real on the street.”

“On the street?” Mint immediately forgot about his cousin parsley and put a worried look on his face. “But Miss Oreo, you are an indoor cat. You have never been outside of the house!”

“Peaches used to live on the street for a living. She will help me!” said Oreo with full confidence.

“It will be okay. I promise to bring Oreo back safe and sound.” said Peaches, calmly blinking at the Mint and Basil brothers.

“I wish you success, Miss Oreo.” The beautiful voice of Queen Rose echoes. She reached out a few of her major branches, forming a narrow bridge between one of the short fences and the ground. Oreo looked at Queen Rose with gratitude. She jumped onto the garden hose pile, grabbed the rose bridge, jumped over the short fences, and landed on the street, followed by Peaches.

“Bye everyone! Wish me luck!” Oreo yelled with excitement. She and Peaches then headed down the road.

“Let’s go north, Oreo.” said Peaches. “To where the oak trees are planted. We might be able to find some squirrels.” She is now leading the way. While following Peaches closely, Oreo cannot help but looking at the street view. Her eyes are now open full and wide. She saw cars parked straight in line along the curb. Great that they are not running fast right now, Oreo thought. The wind is blowing gently through the bushes, leaves of dark green and golden color swirling in the air.

They passed a small park and soon reached the destination. There is no trace of any squirrels near the oak trees, so they kept on heading north. Oreo’s feet started hurting, she looked at her soft paws and gave them a gentle lick. She kept walking until she heard Peaches calling her in a jolly voice: “Look Oreo!” Several feet away there are two little bunnies jumping on the lawn, playing with acorns. Their fluffy tails are wagging out of thrill, pointy ears standing up straight, scanning the environment.

“Let’s get down.” said Peaches in excitement. Oreo came close to Peaches and laid down on the grass. Peaches is now talking in a low voice:

“First you want to keep a fair distance between you and your prey. Don’t move too close yet – it will be startled.”

Oreo nodded.

“You want to observe what your prey is doing right now, and you want to predict what it will do next.” Peaches lowers her head even closer to the ground, her legs tightly surrounding her body, her eyes silently tracking the bunnies ceaselessly.

Both bunnies now seem relaxed, enjoying the small pile of acorns they made. They’ve let down their ears and stopped wagging their tails.

“The prey is not alert anymore.” said Peaches, “Now it’s time. You want to run as fast as you can, like an arrow in the air.” She rises up a bit, “Put some strength on your muscles and start moving forward. When you attack, you want to seize the prey as firm as possible,” Peaches is now walking in stealth. Oreo felt her heart is beating so fast that she had to held her breath.

“And…… Now!” Like a strike of lightening, Peaches runs straight to the bunnies, springing up. The bunny wanted to escape but Peaches already landed her claws on it, marking the victory. She then turned around, searching for Oreo. To her surprise, she saw Oreo standing still, with a serious look on her face. Immediately Peaches let go of her claws, releasing the bunny. It quickly ran to the other bunny who stood in shock, and they ran away together.

Oreo hardly felt happy as she thought she would. It is something that she cannot explain. She stood there in silence.  

“Enough for today, Oreo?” Peaches noticed.

“Yes, but I want to stay outside a little longer.” said Oreo. “Maybe alone.” she added.

“Take your time. I will see you at home then.” Peaches slowly turned around and left.

Oreo slowly collected herself. She sat down under the oak trees and played with the acorns on the ground, pushing it from left to right. A small group of fire ants passed Oreo while carrying the residue of rice back to their home nest. They raised their tiny legs sending their greetings: “Hello Oreo! Bye Oreo!” and went on their food businesses. When the wind changed its direction, she stood up, and headed down home. She passed the park and kept walking, until the familiar house appears in her view.

To Oreo’s surprise, behind a fire hydrant nearby she spotted a little sparrow. The sparrow did not notice Oreo. It seems lost for the moment, staring at the blue sky as if it is reading a map. Oreo felt a little butterfly in her stomach.

She found a prey.

“I will hunt it. I will bring it to Peaches. And no more of it.” said Oreo to herself. She is now walking in stealth. The sparrow is now scanning the street, but it did now know that Oreo is behind the fire hydrant. Oreo found a few pebble stones nearby. This will give her more advantage if she could use them to block the escaping path for the bird. She carefully checked the angle and the distances and made her move. She jumped from the side and sprang onto the sparrow. The bird was surprised at first. It quickly made its way to exit but failed to jump over the stones. When it was trying to fly, Oreo leaped to it, seizing its feet firmly in her paws. The sparrow turned around, looking at Oreo.

“Very well, you caught me.” said the sparrow. “Our fate finally intertwined.”

I did it. Oreo thought. She wants to show it to Peaches. It is her first prey after all. She picked it up with her mouth gently, bringing it home. The sparrow continues to talk.

“It might sound amusing to you, Miss Oreo, because this request is made by me and apparently will benefit me myself only. But I am asking you, please release me.” Calmly it made its request.

Oreo hesitates. She does not wish to do any harm to this little bird. She puts the sparrow on the street in front of the fences. She is now home. Through the holes on the fences she could see the backyard, the green grass waving slightly in the wind, Peaches lying right there on the backdoor porch. The Mint and Basil brothers are now talking with the wild daisies, telling them how to distinguish the poisonous root vegetables, and all of them giggled. Queen Rose is singing an opera. As a talented soprano she just successfully completed her final note, ending the legendary aria in The Magic Flute, Der Hölle Rache. Everyone stopped talking and applauded for her for a whole minute.

“From where I came, they surely don’t have a fine rose that can sing.” The sparrow lamented in admiration.

“Where did you come from, Mister?” said Oreo full of curiosity. For a moment she forgot that she needs to bring the sparrow to Peaches.

“It’s far from here.” said the sparrow, eyes twinkling, “But it is unique. From where I came, the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. People live on stars. They remember things that happened in the future, not the past. There is no beginning or ending of time. Pure existence. Everyone is not anxious anymore. In that world, everything is a copy of the current world you are living in. I stopped by at the exact same house as this one. I saw the same backyard, the same rose,” The sparrow paused, “I saw a cat looks exactly like you and runs exactly like you. But she did not bring me back to the big cat. Instead, she let me go.”

Oreo bowed her head and looked at her paws. Though she has never traveled more than a few blocks away from Natalie’s house, she believes what the sparrow said is true.

“I did not intend to make it hard for you, Miss.” said the sparrow softly. “Whatever you decide.” He bent down to its feet and started picking them with his beak. Oreo saw bruises on both of his feet. At this moment in the backyard Peaches stood up from the porch. She must have smelled the scent of the little bird behind the fences, as she is now slowly walking towards it. Her green eyes calmly looking over through the holes on the fences, and eventually landed on the sparrow.

“You need to go now.” said Oreo to the sparrow. She picked it up with her mouth and ran to the closest bush. She put it on the lowest branch. The sparrow looked at her with gratitude, its eyes twinkling again.

“I hope you visit your world.” said Oreo.

“I will never forget this day.” said the sparrow fondly, “Goodbye, Miss Oreo. Until we meet again.” It spread its wings. Oreo watched it flew up to the nearest windowsill, then jumped to the next nearest one, then another one, ascending step by step. When it reached the top roof, it flew up into the clear blue sky, eventually disappeared behind the vast clouds.

Despite that everyone gave Oreo a warm welcome when she got home, Oreo did not feel like telling her story too much. She walked into the house, jumped on the living room couch, and covered herself under the grey blanket. She slept for some time until she heard Natalie’s voice. Zoe is now leaving with Peaches. Oreo ran to the hallway.

“Bye Peaches! Come visit me often.” said Oreo.

Peaches came closer and gave Oreo a gentle rub on her neck.

“Natalie would be proud of you, Oreo. Bye.” said Peaches. She then headed out with Zoe. Oreo watched the door close in front of her.

A few weeks later, on a fine day of December, Natalie’s husband, Ryan, just picked up some photo prints from the store. It is almost the end of the year. And they have put up a nice Christmas tree in their house. While Ryan was framing the photos, one of them caught his attention. He looked at it closely and turned to his wife:

“Hey Nat, look at this,” He handed the photo to her.

Natalie took it over. It is a picture in which Ryan and her sitting in front of the backdoor porch. Oreo is sitting right next to them. But she quickly noticed there is something more. In the picture Natalie is wearing the sapphire necklace that she had lost, a gift from Ryan for her birthday. She lost it long time ago and was never able to find it again. Sitting beside her husband is a magnificent Labrador, its eyes tenderly looking at the camera. On the windowsill stands a little sparrow, looking towards the sky.

“The baby boy dog that we don’t have…… and my necklace……” Natalie did not know what to say.

“It can’t be.” Ryan’s voice trembled, “It looks just like Max. He died when I was a little boy.”

Oreo heard them talking. She jumped up to Natalie’s lap, looking at the picture. The time she saw the sparrow she realized what happened. She licked the picture gently, and she found a line written on the right corner of the photo. She was not sure if Natalie could see it:

To Oreo – Another Me

Merry Christmas

“Ry, Let’s keep this picture.” Natalie holds Oreo gently in her arms. Ryan has framed the photo and put it on the nightstand. Oreo felt the warmth from Natalie’s hands. She lay down on Natalie’s lap, lowered her head, crossed her front paws, and closed her eyes. Before she fell asleep, she saw an image of another light ginger cat, with black stripes. The cat is sleeping soundly under the grey blanket, dreaming of the backyard, the plants, and the rose blossoms, in a remote parallel world.

 10.13.20 – 10.23.20

[theinvisibletree]

The Festival

It was 3:03 am in the morning. Zoe woke up, feeling as if an intangible force was pressing her chest. Outside her window the moon shone gently on the pine trees. It was nearly full. She cannot tell what color of the sky it is. A pale steel blue, it seems. She reached her clock on the nightstand. It is 3:03 am in the morning. It is very quiet. The moonlight scattered through the bookshelf, casting irregular shadows on the wall like a couple of crouching lions. Zoe doesn't feel like going back to sleep anymore. She sat up, pushed away her blankets, and got up from the bed. For a moment she wished that she was not in her apartment but on a distant island where no one could find her. She felt new after washing her face with cold running water. She dried up her face and then headed to the kitchen. She wanted to make some hot jasmine tea.

It has been three months since Zoe’s grandmother passed away. She would wake up from time to time and sit on her bed in the dark. She did not know that shortly she would lose her cat as well, that she would come back home that day and found her cat lying on the ground, already stopped breathing. It all happened in the midsummer. She did not know there are more things waiting for her. The other day Zoe saw a pair of tiny ballet shoes on her couch, burgundy red, its ribbons loosen. Must belong to Anita, Natalie’s little daughter, she thought. Natalie is her neighbor. She moved next door to her a few years ago. Zoe cannot remember how many times Natalie helped her feed her cat when she had to work late in the office. In her spare time Zoe would make some noodle soup and invite Natalie over, and they would have a great time. Natalie is always there for me, Zoe thought. She held the shoes dearly in her hands while knocking on the door. “Hey Natalie, I think Anita dropped these shoes at my place.” Now the little girl can go back to her practicing, Zoe thought. The smile on Natalie’s face disappeared. “Come in Zoe”, she said. She grabbed a dining chair. “Take a seat. Get some rest.” She is now making some jasmine tea for her, telling a story. “You must have forgotten. I never really had Anita. I wish I had. I know it’s a baby girl. I even gave her this name. She would have been 5 years old if the miscarriage did not happen.” Zoe looked at her own hands. She did not bring any ballet shoes. What she had been holding instead was a pair of scissors.

It was 3:03 am in the morning. Zoe got to her kitchen, turned on the stove, and opened the cabinet door. She did not turn on the kitchen light. The silver moon shone upon her dining table. While waiting for her water to boil, she saw her cat standing inside of the top cabinet, its eyes shining in the dark like a couple of Prussian emeralds. “Not again.” Zoe said to herself, “My cat died.” But she could not look away from it. She wanted to look at it, even if it is merely an illusion. The cat is now smiling at Zoe, raising one of its front legs, and pointing at the mirror behind her. In the dining room area there is a large rectangle mirror occupying the entire wall. She always liked it there, until now. She closed her eyes and opened them again, her cat disappeared. There is nothing in the cabinet other than a jar of cane sugar and a bag of dry tea leaves. She wanted to go back to bed, but she could not move. The water in the kettle is now boiling, making a piercing voice as if the kettle is crying. Zoe now vaguely recalled the folklore her grandpa told her when she was a kid, about a festival that occurs in the midsummer, in the lunar month of July, that all the deceased spirits from the underworld would return home for one night. It is 3:03 am in the morning. Another day will begin soon. If she wants to meet someone, she must do it quickly. Zoe made up her mind. She turned around and looked straight into the mirror, her voice vanished in the air like a withered leaf in the wind:

“Grandma?”

She saw a figure in the mirror, wearing a dark red sweater, a pair of charcoal grey cotton pants, pure white hair, whiter than Zoe could ever remember. The spirit of her grandma is here, in her apartment. But Zoe could not see the spirit’s face. Her grandma is standing with her back towards Zoe. There is something in her hand, a little piece of square paper, very thin. Zoe could see that grandma is trying to fold it. When Zoe was little, grandma would always make different paper crafts with her together, folding thin pieces of white paper. She would fold different things for her, a rabbit, a monkey, or a shallow boat with double awning shades on each side. But unlike childhood, now grandma is in another world, folding a paper boat, and trying to hide her face. Zoe closed her eyes.

“Grandma, I am sorry.”

She was not sure if Grandma heard her. Then she heard a blaring sound from the outside, on the street, in her neighborhood. The shriek of a sudden car brake that sounds like a car accident. She felt her time was running out. Soon the night will be over. It will be morning.

“Please don’t turn away from me.”

Grandma, or the spirit, did not respond. She has finished folding the paper boat and puts it down on the floor next to her feet. In the mirror Zoe is surprised to see her cat again. It jumped up onto the reflection of the dinning chair in the mirror, holding in its teeth a bracelet made of fine jade. Grandma is now leaving together with her cat. Zoe feels like she is losing her grandma once again. Out of desperation she quickly ran to the kitchen cabinet and found a small narrow candle with some matches. She lit it up, holding it firmly in her hand. The candle oil dripped on her hand burning her skin. She looked back into the mirror. The candle lit up her face.

“How can I enter your world?”

The spirit came to a stop. For the first time tonight, Zoe heard her grandma’s voice echo in her apartment.

“I am afraid that I will hurt you, my child.”

She had hope. She won’t give up now.

“Please let me see your face.”

“If you wish, my child. But be warned.”

The spirit slowly turned back. She saw her grandma’s face. All the hope she had was lost again. Her face was swollen. With the glowing candlelight she could see every vein on her face standing out underneath her sallow skin, like thousands of tiny blue snakes. Her eyes were closed, and her lips were dark purple. Zoe now heard the scream from a hundred spirits around her. They are all here. It is their festival to celebrate death. “Do you regret?” the hundred spirits asked in harmony. Zoe hold the candle firmly in her hand. No matter how many times, she would always look at her grandma’s face without hesitation. If only she can imagine the suffering her grandma went through. She wants to remember it always, for grandma, and for herself. Tears ran down through her cheeks silently.

“I will never leave you again, Grandma.”

The candle in her hand went out. Zoe looked into the mirror again. The old lady with a daunting face disappeared. Her grandma has now turned into a young girl, carrying a leather suitcase. She looks like when she was just graduating from college. Her hair turned black again like ebony. Her lips turned violet like the first blossom of a China Rose in the snow. Grandma is now wearing a black-and-white polka dot shirt paired with grey pants. On her wrist is the jade bracelet, sparkling in the dark. The spirit of her young grandma reached out her hand to Zoe. Zoe took it and followed grandma into her world in the mirror. The paper boat is now transforming into a real one. Before Zoe knew, she was on the boat with grandma together on a dark river. At the front of the boat there was a dim gaslight hanging on the pole. Zoe found her grandma sitting at the back alone with a worried look on her face. She realized that she is now experiencing grandma’s memories, that they are on the sorrowful trip which grandma traveled back home alone overnight, to visit her father who had been ill. Then the boat and the river disappeared. Another piece of memory lives. Zoe found herself in a small ballroom now surrounded by a few well-dressed guests. A vintage gramophone is playing in the background, the name of the song shown on the record disc: ой цветет калина. Behind Zoe was her grandpa as a young man. He was dancing with grandma, smiling at her. Grandma curled up her hair. Her eyes glinted like the brightest star in the sky. The flashback continues. Zoe saw her grandparents sitting in front of a camera. Grandma was wearing a blue Qipao. She was holding a baby boy in her arm, looking tired but joyful. In the next flashback Grandma is watching her son filling out college application forms. A young and gentle girl entered the room, and Zoe recognized that it was her mother in her youth. The flashback kept going. Now Zoe is watching herself growing up as a kid and then a young adult at her grandparents’ place. In the end she saw grandma in the hospital bed, holding her phone, waiting for messages from Zoe. The flashback ended. Zoe found herself in her apartment again, lying on the ground. Her cat was blinking at her in the mirror. Next to her cat is grandma’s spirit, wearing a red sweater, smiling at her. Outside the window the sun rises above the skyline. Dawn is here. Zoe wanted to leave together with her grandma, but she could not move. The spirit took off her jade bracelet and put it on Zoe’s wrist. She heard grandma’s voice for one last time before she lost consciousness: “I will always be with you.”

It is 6:00 am in the morning. Natalie received an emergent phone call from the police about a car accident happened in the middle of the night. She took her purse and left her apartment, leaving a fresh toast on her table that she did not have time to eat. The accident occurred in her neighborhood. On the street there are shattered pieces of glass. The damaged car is distorted, but Natalie still recognized it. It is Zoe’s car. Natalie did not remember how long she stayed at the hospital before Zoe woke up from coma. She saw a jade bracelet on the table in the ward. She has never seen Zoe wearing something exquisite like that before. “Natalie, I was with my grandmother last night.” Zoe said with clarity. “I almost followed her to another world.” Natalie does not want to tell Zoe that she was hallucinating. She was not with her grandmother last night, and she had a car accident when she was going back home from work. Time will heal, Natalie thought. “I am glad you are okay.” She put her hand on Zoe’s. “Wait for me. I will be back very soon.” She wanted to get home to prepare some soup for them both, and she really needs a hot shower. She opened the door of her apartment, put the soup pot on the stove, and headed to her bedroom. The mirror in Natalie’s bedroom is very narrow. She stepped back a bit, trying to fit her whole image in the mirror. At this point she saw a pair of ballet shoes on the bedroom floor behind her in the mirror, burgundy red. Then she heard the sound. The sound of pointe shoes touching the ground. A little girl in skirt walked into her sight in the mirror, picked up the ballet shoes on the ground, and smiled at her. Natalie turned back, there is no one behind her. For the first time in five years, she felt happy. Before she headed out again, she looked at her bedroom for one last time. The door is half open. She knows that Anita is right there behind the door. The people we thought we lost are never away from us, Natalie thought. She walked out of the door and proceeded onto the street. Right after her was a grey cat following her timidly, eyes shining like a couple of Prussian emeralds.

 9.9.2020 – 9.12.2020