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Stingerette Experiencing a Completely Normal Number of Trip Requests

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Airline Forces Student to Check Bags Under Eyes

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Student Seemingly Unimpressed with Roommate’s Ability to Have a Social Life

With unblinking eyes as he muttered a curt “bye” to his roommate last Friday night, third year AE student Charles Turner was seemingly unimpressed with his roommate’s ability to have a social life. Despite Turner spending the third weekend in a row beginning and completing an entire season of Fox’s American Dad, he didn’t show any sign of emotion saying goodbye as his roommate left to go hang out with a group of close friends he’d developed over the past few years.

Silently thanking the internet that Reddit Enhancement Suite’s infinite scrolling allows him to keep his hands under the blanket while he Reddits, Turner spends another silent night in a dark room completely unphased by his roommate’s talent to acquire and successfully maintain a social life outside of classes. At press time, Turner was seen pretending to be asleep when his drunk roommate came in at two in the morning and began to make out with a girl on the couch in the next room.

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Clueless Freshman Girl Talking to Guy Not in Top Tier Fraternity

In a stunning display of complete naiveté, the clueless Anna Haskins was seen happily talking to a guy totally not in a top tier fraternity. Other people could see her asking him about his day as she intently listened, like, even though he’s not even in a good fraternity. Like who even hangs out there?

Onlookers were stunned when the two continued up the sidewalk to the CULC where the two would part ways for their respective classes, but not before like maybe eighty or ninety people saw them hang out for a bit despite the fact that his fraternity isn’t even cool. They may wear Southern Tide but they’re not cool. At press time, Haskins was given a stern talk about her relationship with him, and what that means for their sorority.

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GT Parking, GTwifi, and myMathLab Top Time Magazine’s “Worst Things Ever” List

In Time Magazine’s annual “Worst Things Ever” list, GT Parking, GTwifi, and myMathLab all tied for first, for the worst fucking things ever. Each year Time Magazine puts out an issue recapping the worst things ever because the print medium is dying and we have short memories, and this year after the new rules about Peters Parking deck and ER51, GT Parking has moved up from number fifteen to a three way tie at number one.

GTwifi (previously number twenty-eight GTwpa) routinely makes the list and, after its poor performance in Klaus this year, a building for computing for god’s sake, has moved up as the second entry in the tie for first. Wrapping up the photo finish for worst goddamn thing that’s ever existed is the continual front runner myMathLab, known for being a bitch about significant digits and wanting absolute trust in its unwavering confidence in itself. Ranking at number fifty-two is this article, and fifty-three through fifty-seven are the people who actually read it.

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CoC to Embrace Its Inappropriate Nicknames and Officially Be Called “The Schlong”

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GT Housing to Use Goal Line Technology to See if Its Students Ever Leave Their Rooms

After months of controversial debates and getting around government rules, Georgia Tech will be the first university to implement goal line technology to see if its students ever truly leave their rooms. The technology will be installed over Winter Break next month, which uses a combination of high-speed cameras and a low-frequency magnetic field to determine whether a student ever fully leaves the comfort of his room.

The decision is facing controversy for privacy reasons but also for removing some of the human elements of determining when someone has not been sitting in their room for days on end. “Why can’t we just ask their friends if they’ve left the room?” asked one student, blissfully unaware that some students wouldn’t have friends to ask. The school admits testing took a while longer than expected because so few people actually left their rooms, it made it seems as though the technology was malfunctioning.

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Drunk Fan Providing Basketball Team with All Motivation They Need

Screaming parts of sentences and spewing insults at the opposing team, a drunk fan in the second row could be seen providing the Georgia Tech basketball team with all the motivation they need. Continuously yelling “Let’s go!” with drips of spittle arcing onto the court, the Tech coach couldn’t help but admit without him they would surely lose.

The fan took a quick break to sneak a few pulls of whiskey from a flask hidden in his groin area before letting out a bloodcurdling “BZZZZZZ”, which amped up the basketball team so much the players on the bench stood up and began jumping next to their seats. At press time, a Tech player was reportedly lined up for a free throw and gathered the courage to sink the final bucket after glancing at the drunk fan passed out in the aisle.

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Student Caught Outsourcing CS Homework to Indian Student Across Campus in Woodies

Although a hearing date has yet to be scheduled at the Office of Student Integrity, first year Andy Kirby was caught outsourcing his CS 1371 to an Indian student named Varun across campus in Woodies. He will likely face strict punishments from his actions; though in his defense, outsourcing to Varun has proven to be much faster and results in better code for cheap.

Outsourcing has grown significantly on campus over the last months, while Varun is surely the best to go to for Matlab problems, he’s reportedly facing some competition with two students in Crecine names Hui and Manov who not only write great Matlab code but also can finish four students’ calculus homeworks per hour. Kirby told reporters he apologized and vowed to go domestic for next homework and contract Kevin instead.

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Linguistics Club Members Picket Fencing Tournament

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Tech Praised by Critics For Its Strong Female Characters

With a strong opening couple months for the Fall 2014 Semester, critics have praised Georgia Tech once again for its strong female characters. While only around 35% of the student population is female, many female students major in difficult engineering topics like aerospace engineering and biomedical engineering.

“They are so intelligent and independent,” praised critic Peter Grossman. “They go on to lead successful careers in a variety of fields and continually impress their peers.” The women of many schools reportedly attend college to find a husband, or just to take easy classes and have fun, but the women of Georgia Tech serve as role models to young girls everywhere as they confidently carve their own path in the workforce.

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AE Grad Students Discover Most Planets Just Don’t Really Want Humans

After a near decade of studies and research, a group of aerospace engineering graduate students discovered that most planets just don’t really want humans right now. The study revealed that even though maybe for other planets they want to have humans, it’s just a huge burden to have and you shouldn’t judge them for not wanting to take care of a bunch of people for, like, forever.

The planets told reporters that housing humans is a big physical and emotional commitment, and they’d rather just have the whole planet to themselves. Humans would reportedly damage the ozone, alter carbon and hydrogen levels, and overall just be a bitch to handle. At press time, two planets were seen freely orbiting a star without any worry of its polar ice caps melting; Earth was reportedly looking on with disdain.

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Box Office: Roommate’s New Venmo Account Nabs $47 Debut After Taco Mac Outing

After refusing to download the money transferring app for several months, second year James Webb’s newly created Venmo account exceeded expectations by gobbling up a $37.00 debut this weekend after a Taco Mac outing with friends. The waitress’ poor experience and long wait times likely affected the debut, Venmo is typically much easier than each party contributing different amounts of money to the bill.

Webb’s last outing to Taco Mac garnered good reviews, and the option of beer and the promise of queso surely raised expectations for the debut. If expectations hold, estimates predict at least $20.00 next weekend at maybe a burger joint, and possibly a small loss of money if Webb’s roommate continues to nag Webb about the money he owes him from buying a hot dog that one time. At press time, Webb still had no idea how Venmo makes money and is a real, viable company.

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New Invention Reduces Cost of Double Amputation, Still Costs Arm and Leg

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Student Raising Hand Unknowingly About to Call Professor "Mom"

Quiet, reserved student Stephen Miller is reportedly raising his hand in class right now, unknowingly about the call the professor “Mom.” The tired, confused kid just isn’t getting a firm grasp on the force diagram on the board, and is also blissfully unaware that he’s about to embarrass himself in front of the entire class.

In a quick effort to make better sense of why the static friction arrow is pointed upwards, Miller could not have prepared himself for the demoralizing event that would soon unfold. On the positive side, experts expect him to relive the moment enough times in the upcoming weeks that he would never forget the application of normal forces of a sliding object on a rough surface. At press time, a Yak describing his blunder had reached 136 upvotes and two comments.

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Chik-fil-A Customer Unaware He’s Standing Behind Someone Who’ll Order Two Goddamn Milkshakes

The poor, poor sight of a man about to be blindsided with extra wait time at a fast food restaurant is a sad sight to see, and unfortunately freshman Alan McBride was seen three people deep in line, unknowingly standing behind someone who will go on to order two goddamn milkshakes. McBride could be seen pulling his Buzzcard out while still in line, assuming he would be ordering in the next thirty seconds. Only then did he hear the words of a selfish, ruthless student confidently order not one, but two fucking milkshakes even though the line has like, thirty goddamn people in it.

The crestfallen look of a man cheated out of precious time dominoed through the line of hungry visitors as they realized the shameful act of treason the front customer had just committed, by making the conscious decision to order two motherfucking milkshakes at a restaurant with “Express” in the name. At press time, the line erupted into riots as the customer sent the milkshakes back because he didn’t “really like whipped cream” and reordered, I swear to fucking god, two more fucking milkshakes.

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Athlete Pressured Into Signing Eighteen-Year Contract with One Night Stand

After a house party got out of hand and the keg ran dry, an anonymous Tech athlete has reportedly been pressured into signing an eighteen-year contract with a one night stand. The athlete may be able to rationalize with himself since “all the pros do it” but he is reportedly still in shock at the length of the contract.

What began as a simple “Sup baby girl?” quickly turned into a three minute flurry of passion that will affect the athlete for the next eighteen years. Despite his hopes that it would all blow over, he would go on to sign another eighteen-year contract with another anonymous party. He would then relapse back to his original contract several years later, and need to extend the original contract another six years.