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In the Midst of it All

4 days ago I turned 25. Today, I found this TUMBLR page from college and my most recent post was 4 years ago on my 21st birthday. It was a time of change, fear, and hope. This year, similar emotions swirl around my mind.

It’s unfathomable, unbelievable really, the scale of events that have transpired since 2019. Even thinking of 1 year prior, my 24th birthday in 2022, the amount of change has been overwhelming. Senior year of college, COVID-19, moving home, graduation, my first jobs, the rise & fall of a relationship, and now pursuing my Master's at USC. The best news is that life got so much better for me. I mean, the amazing things that happened to me after such a cautious & anxious blog post on 10/06/19 are astounding. I want you to remember the lifelong memories, friends, growth and love that you found after suffering for so long.

There are many more milestones ahead. The future is so exciting right now, and for that, I am unbelievably thankful. Because a year ago it seemed so bleak. In the words of my 21-year-old self: “things have to break down […] for there to be room to [grow]”. Yeah, I just quoted myself - when you’re a writer you get to do that kinda shit.

At 25, I am so proud of myself. I am so proud of where I’m going, what I’ve been able to accomplish, and for pushing myself. The wins are coming. The work is right in front of us. Be patient, work smart. Laugh. Be nice to yourself. The WIN is coming, don't let the WHEN worry you! Happy birthday❤️

Nick (26 on 10/05) and I on my 25th birthday, reunited on our birthdays after 4 years.

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Long Road Behind (and ahead)

3 days ago I turned 21.  I’ve been reflecting naturally in the days preceding, and now, proceeding.  However, I haven’t been able to get my fingers onto a keyboard and write them down.  But it’s never too late!

If you scroll down, you can actually read my 20th birthday post and see where things were a year ago.  A lot has changed.  A lot has happened.  I have grown and changed.  Which are good things to have happen.  No one wants to be the same they were a whole year ago.  I think what people, and myself, forget is that change and growth are PAINFUL.  This past year has shown me the brightest lights and the darkest depths.  I experienced everything from people literally cheering my name when I walked in a room to thinking about taking my own life.  And now I’m here.  A year later.  

I guess I should say that I’m glad I didn’t kill myself.  Certain things still remain difficult, but I can confidently say I’m the strongest I’ve ever been.  There are things I can never talk about, but it got better.  A lot of it was luck, but a lot of it was my own resilience too.

The most important lessons I learned this year were to be selfless, and be thankful for everything I have.  No matter how hard things got, I was still so lucky.  To have friends who cared about me, family, food, resources, and yes the cliche - to wake up every morning breathing.   To put in the work and see yourself become a better person is one of the great joys of life.  Valuable lessons to learn before you turn 21.  Lessons that are seared, smothered, soldered into my mind.

The thing is, I just put a hard year behind me and I’m still so scared.  I am terrified of the future.  But how can I ever be successful if I’m thinking about last year and the year ahead all the time?  The work is right in front of me.  Right Now.  What happened happened - life goes on.  You can’t stack the deck - life just shows you the cards and then you play.

In my last birthday post I said that my 20′s could be the best decade of my life.  We got off to a rough start, but maybe that’s what I needed.  How can you ever get better if you don’t grow?  Things have to break down from time to time for there to be room to do so.  I think this ‘rough start’ is all part of the plan.

~ written in my apartment bedroom 

me on my 21st birthday

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Gosh

It’s August 20th, 2019 - 12:33 and counting. I’m sitting in my bedroom. The lights are dim and the fan on. It’s a new fan that attaches to the window. I’m not writing this down so I’ll remember, but I’m writing it down so you will. That’s the weirdest part about writing these. They’re really meant for you, but they only mean anything to me.

It’s the summer in between my junior and senior year of college. I’m at this weird middle point where I’m trying to move on from last year, the good and the bad, and moving into the anxiety and uncertainty of next year.

A lot has changed in a year. But the most important things have stayed mostly the same. Just a lot of lessons learned.

My anxieties about the coming seven months are inflated by the fact that in that span of time I’ll be rapidly spit out into real adulthood. That this life I’m living right now will change even more in the coming seven months than it has in the past seven months. 

Frankly, I don’t know what to do. I’ll just have to do my best. 

It’s now 12:40 ~ written in my bedroom (in case you forgot)

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Back Slide

I am emotionally failing.  Things as they are, life wise, have not been terrible. I thank god for that. However, as of late, I am consistently feeling drab. My physical health has gone down the drain along with my mental health.  I can’t seem to dig myself out of this.  What started as a skid has turned into a slow moving disaster. I saw it coming. I couldn’t stop it. I still can’t stop it. I feel so incredibly empty - so unfulfilled. Everything I do seems to have no meaning.

My sketch comedy group no longer brings me the joy and excitement it used to. It gives me very little fulfillment anymore. I love the people and I love the community. It’s like family. However, recently it feels like I’m in the wrong place. I’m not sure if it’s entirely one person’s fault, or if I am just feeling this way. I can’t help but feel so existentially dreadful when I am in meetings. This is the one thing that saved me from deep depression last year. Now, it’s losing its touch. I thought about quitting.  

My internship has taken an abrupt turn for the worse. My boss left the company without warning, and I haven’t worked in weeks. The company is not doing well. I think I might have to leave soon. I don’t know where to go. I don’t think getting a new job would help. I feel like anything else would feel like a huge downgrade.

I’ve just been feeling like the depths of Hell. Every day is exhausting. I trudge through them like a soldier wading through a thick swamp. I was very very depressed for a little while. At this point I think I’m sad, but it’s not as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I remember I was standing in a bathroom stall just banging my head against the wall like that would trigger my brain to stop being so damn depressed.  I’m not that bad right now, but I’m not much better. I fail to see the joy in existence. I don’t want to die. I want to get better. I just can’t seem to find my footing. I feel so empty inside. I feel like a hallow man. I keep repeating the same words I apologize. I don’t know how else to say it. Nothing I do brings me any sustained happiness. I am stuck. I write on this blog as if someone will see it and help me. No one is coming to save me. 

It’s just me out here. I am my own worst enemy and I am the only one who can save me from him. 

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A Little Older, A Little Wiser

Yesterday I turned 20 years old. 

My family came up to visit, we had dinner down by the water, and later I went to a party where I had two beers and dry heaved.  I don’t really have any strong emotions right now, but I felt it might be a good time for me to do an emotional “check up”. 20 years old is an inconsequential age, but it’s still means getting a year older - and a year closer to real life. 

Please allow me to ramble: Time really does fly - whether you’re having fun or not. I’m officially in my 20′s.  This might be the best decade of my entire life.  Right now I’m just happy to be happy.  Manageable sadness is the best kind of sadness.  Sometimes I think that I don’t really know HOW to be happy.  I think that’s a problem not just I have.  However, at 20, for the first time in a short while I feel pretty good.  Life will never be exactly what you want/hope it will be, but there are times like these where it’s pretty close.

Here’s a little self assessment, so I can remember who I was at 20 on paper:

Matthew Lam, male, 6′8″, 170 lb.s, 20 years old, English major, Junior in college. I recently lost a considerable amount of weight. I also recently moved into a new apartment with two of my best friends. I’m a marketing intern at a local technology startup. I’m also a production member and aspiring writer on my university’s sketch comedy team. I’m single, but open to changing that status. I’m still struggling with depression, anxiety, and insecurity. However, I’m more confident than I was three months ago. I have more friends now than I’ve ever had in my entire life. University is a challenge, but so is the rest of life.  I am doing my best.  I am doing well.  Here’s a picture my mom took of me on my 20th birthday:

If you look for sadness, you’ll find it.  But if you look for happiness, you’ll be sure to find plenty of that too.  

~ written in my apartment bedroom (I finally have my own room!)

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Dreaming

I recently had two very memorable dreams. The first, which was the best, was about me scoring the winning goal in a hockey game while playing for my favorite team: the New York Islanders. I recall vividly how I pulled off a wrister that hit the back of the net in the top right corner. I slammed my stick on the ice in viceral triumph as a teammate skated around the net and embraced me. The crowd cheered and I could feel that positive energy like it was the real thing. Very weird, but very nice.

The second dream, the worst, was about me a friend whom I've been very much in love with for quite some time were pretending to date. I can't remember why, but I can remember that even in my own dreams, a romantic relationship with her cannot exist. This is really what I want to write about. It's something that's been tearing me apart recently - and for the past almost two years.

My past with her is complicated. I guess for her it's not, but for me it is. I don't wish to completely bore you with the stories, so I'll sum it up by saying that I am in the friendzone. Seems simple enough. Perhaps puting it this way deteacts some of the deep emotions and real feelings involved, but essentially that's what it is: the friendzone.

I could say so so many things. There's so much about my feelings for her that I think about it almost everyday. It makes my heart ache and it makes me emotionally exhausted just even thinking about writing it all down. I don't know what we're supposed to be. Sometimes it feels like we're meant to be together, but the universe forgot to flip the switch.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met her. But I quickly retract that. I wouldn't trade her friendship for anything. But maybe I'd trade it for a shot at the title. The title of boyfriend (*eye roll*). Yes blah blah another guy in the friendzone oh well cry about it right? Right. But for me it's serious. For me everytime I'm with her in person, on the phone, looking at a picture it's so unbelievably gut wrenching.

I almost hate her.

But that's impossible.

~ written in a kitchen

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Summer Blues

It’s summer and I’ve honestly been feeling a bit depressed lately.  Just with my shitty job and social life, and with the fact that I’m just prone to depression and feelings of depression.  This is when I have learned that it’s a great time to look around myself and really appreciate what I have.  My pessimism and anxiety usually get the best of me, but I’ve been doing my best.  I’m thankful for the job that I hate, I’m thankful for my home, the family that fills it, the friends I do have, the countless (and meaningless) material belongings I have, and of course I’m thankful to be healthy and wake up breathing (Just to name a few things).

Life will never be perfect. Never. Don’t believe anyone or yourself that life will ever get to a point where everything will be perfect.  I definitely wish it was perfect.  But “perfect” doesn’t mean you can’t be happy without it.  Life is very very short.  Don’t wait for things to be perfect.  

You’ll be waiting for your entire life.

~ Written in my bedroom

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In Retrospect

A couple posts back I wrote about my aspirations to make a “come back” - to usher in a new era in my life and college career.  I can say looking back on how this year unfolded, that I have accomplished that goal.  

I say that with such pride, happiness, and continued cautious optimism.  Looking in retrospect over the past school year, it was a year of extraordinary growth.  I experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows of my entire life.  My biggest point of pride is setting myself up for this “new era” of prosperity through my internship and my involvement in my school’s sketch comedy group.  It sounds silly, but the latter has had the biggest impact on my soul.  It feels meant to be.  These people are my people.  This experience is so new, yet I already feel that connection.  It feels like by mere chance I stumbled my way into their world, yet at the same time it feels like fate.  I cannot say for sure whether or not being forced out of my comfort zone drove me to this group, but I CAN say for sure that I am so thankful to be here anyways.   

I told a friend at the beginning of last year - a friend that as it turns out would later be a source of much pain and discomfort - that how we deal with this sophomore year and the actions we take will thematically, and at times literally, define the rest of our college experience.  I knew that if I sat around on my ass and felt sorry for myself - which I ended up doing a lot of - these two or three years were going to be a complete waste.  I realized that I could not let my inaction spread into the next two years of my life.  I got extremely lucky to be able to find and work towards opportunities that were in stark contrast to my lowest points this year.  If it were not for the unexpected challenges I faced, I would not have been pushed towards growth.  I think I would have stayed in the same safe place all year, and instead I was really pushed out of my comfort zone to seek out new opportunity and take risks that I desperately needed to take.  

So, I am both resentful and thankful for the challenges this year.  If you look at some of my older posts you can read about exactly what those felt like.  They were recorded with painful accuracy.  In grand retrospect, I would say this year was a successful year.  I learned that I have what it takes to be ambitious, to have passion and drive, and to be successful.  I learned that every year has its ups and downs, and that you cannot avoid getting a little cut up - taking a few tumbles in the dirt.  It is inevitable that you will fail.  But I learned that I have what it takes to overcome this failure.  

That was the biggest lesson from this year.

~ written in my childhood bedroom

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Someone

I want someone who excites me. Someone who constantly pushes me to be a better person - to be my best self. Someone who enriches my life.  Someone who can get me up in the morning.  Someone who can make me laugh without control.  Someone who fills in my gaps.  Who never stops giving me butterflies when I think about her.  Someone who’ll be there for me.  Someone who I can be all of these things for too.

Who is this imaginary woman?

Whoever she is, I can’t wait to meet her

~written in my bedroom

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Tickling Life

A friend recently gave me some advice that has really stuck with me and made me think.  She said:

“Tickle life, and life will tickle you back.”

By this she means put yourself in new and uncomfortable positions and life will reward you.  Take risks, and life will reward you.  

She told me this after I chickened out on asking a girl at the library for her number.  This girl was honestly so beautiful, and we kept making eye contact.  Even as we left our table we snuck one last glance at each other.  Was she into me? Doesn’t matter.  I’ll never know because I never took action.  I was too afraid to fail - to look stupid.

My friend’s words, however silly, have made me think a lot about how I go about life.  I realize that I should be taking more risks.  I should be more open to failure, and to getting hurt.  Because that is the only way any of us can grow.  Moreover, it is the only way any of us can LIVE.

Should I have gone back to talk to her? Was she looking at me because I looked funny? I can’t stop asking myself these “what-if” questions.  I keep replaying the events in my head, and wondering how they could have played out differently.  

If I saw her again, if I had another opportunity, I’d act differently.  When I say “her”, I mean anyone.  I mean I’m ready to act.  

~ written in my kitchen  

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Comeback Season

I’m thrilled to say things have actually been getting better for once.  It’s still, and will probably forever be a work in progress, but after months and months of inaction I took action.  I connected with old friends (and new ones), I applied for jobs, and I really put myself out there.  Slowly but surely, the work has paid off.

Starting next Tuesday I will be starting my first job ever: Videographer for a tech start-up in downtown.  I’m beyond excited, and it fills my heart with all the right amounts of fear and happiness.  To have the opportunity to not only have a job and make new connections, but to also do something that I love to do - it’s the opportunity that I’ve been searching and praying for.  After months of depression I’m finally starting to see improvements in my life.  

Things are still rough, but life will always have it’s rough edges.  It reminds me that this journey is in its infancy.  That there is still a long road ahead and much more work that needs to be done.  I always fear that it will all fall apart, and I will slip back into the darkness that has defined the past few months of my life.  However, my emotional slipping and sliding have taught me to never be complacent again.  When I was complacent, my world fell apart, and I was left with no where to go.  Those who I had turned to in the past were nowhere to be found.  All I could do was sit and watch it crumble.  Avoiding this in the future will be my biggest challenge.

Looking back on how my life was before I began to make changes, it’s marred by such despair.  I’m so thankful that I have the opportunities to try and branch out, and continue to grow.  

I really hope I’m on an upward slope.  I want this to be my comeback season.  I’m tired of writing about how much I hate myself.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go eat dinner alone for the second night in a row.  

~ written in my bedroom 

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Alone.

I swear to you I have never felt more single than I do right now.  Being around couples all the time, let alone sharing the same room as one, is a miserable existence.  Everywhere I look all I see are couples.  My friends have gone off and cuffed with some other warm body, and they leave the world they once knew behind.  That’s what couples do don’t they.  They turn towards each other, and all we see are their backs.

I’m not sure if I’m making it worse than it is, or any number of things are propagating a false sense of loneliness, but at a base level I do feel it.  That is now heightened to monumental degrees as I look around me, and see friends who have carved out their own little worlds - leaving me to my devices.  

Everywhere I go I see people in love, and it makes me want to off myself.  I was at a friends house last night, and there was a moment of horrific clarity.  Everyone, and I mean every single person, had someone to hold.  As the lights went dimmer, and the music got quieter pairs of people become single entities.  It was a sobering reminder of how alone I feel.    

It’s so easy to feel like the only person on Earth sometimes.  Especially when your world is so small, and all of its inhabitants have left.  My small community that I have cultivated decays more and more everyday.  Life, it seems, has taken it’s hold and continues to push us farther apart.  It is imperative that I continue my efforts to look elsewhere for new opportunities. I need new friends.  The mileage on this friend group is quickly reaching its limit.  Everyday I am reminded of this.  This high pressure I put on myself is as debilitating as the loneliness; it’s as debilitating as the depression.    

I need to usher in a new era.  I’ve already been left behind.  It’s already too late.  I have never felt so isolated.  

~ written in my living room

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New York

I'm sitting on the windowsill of my hotel room window, and I love looking out at the sky scrapers and the cars, but something I really love to do is look into people's apartments. It sounds super creepy I know, but it's honestly so fascinating. I'm not looking for any weird shit I just want a glimpse into the lives of new yorkers. To observe them, and fantasize about what it'd be like to be in their shoes at this very moment; what it'd be like to be in that room right now - to be a new yorker like them.

It really makes you realize how small you are. All these separate lives all existing at once in the same place. I really am no one. I mean, like I seriously am no one. My biggest fear is that I'll always be no one.

But dammit I wanna be somebody. I wanna make an impact. I wanna make a difference. People need to know my name. I wanna do great things; incredible things.

I always thought New York would be the place to make that happen. New York represents that dream. The dream of becoming someone in a sea of no-ones.

When you're so far away it turns into a distant idea. It becomes more of a symbol than an actual tangible place. But every year I come back, and for a few days I get to be a part of the madness even if I am just a tourist - an interested observer.

When you're here, it becomes so much more than just an idea. It's beyond words. It's a living breathing thing.

It's a monster; it's a behemoth

It's a promise. A promise from my father that says "there is more to life than you even know."

~ written in a new york city hotel room

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The Girl with the Brown Hair

I saw that girl from my English class at SLO Donut Company last night.  I was standing in line and she looked right at me as she was leaving.  It was weird, she looked at me like she knew me, but was too afraid to say hi.  It was like time froze.  We locked eyes for less than a second, but it was a few milliseconds too long to be a glance - to short to be a stare.  She looked right at me.  Like we were the only two people in the world for those few half seconds.  She walked off with some guy.  A boyfriend maybe.  We’ve never met, yet I feel l’ve known her since the beginning of time. -- 10/12/2017

After this she would always glance back towards me in class.  I thought she was looking at me, but I think she was probably looking at the clock behind me.

The class is over.  I’ll never see her again.  We never said a word to each other.

There’s something about her though.  Something...spellbinding; unforgettable. 

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Tired

It’s finals week and a lot of things have been buzzing around my very fatigued mind.  The least of which is my desire to fully embrace the holiday season.  Christmas is my favorite time of year.  It’s when the weather gets cold, things get all warm and festive, and I get to visit family in New York City.  That might be what’s getting me through this very important and bloody final stretch of school.  

Lately life has really been burning me out in every aspect.  Whether it be with my fight against depression, or my fight for a higher education, it’s been full throttle.  Christmas time represents a refuge, a break at last from the rigors of young adulthood.  Home isn’t perfect (if you’ve read my past posts you know), but home is home.  My family, a christmas tree, and a soft bed await me and that’s a hell of a lot better than this prison of an apartment.  

I would love to get into how my bout with depression is going, or my burning desire to create new photography and film, but I’m honestly so fucking tired.  Don’t excuse my language I mean it.  Just thought I needed to get some thoughts down.  

New York I love you, and I’m comin’ for you - I’ll do whatever it takes.

~ written in bed

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Ramblings No. 1

Honestly, I’m not even sure what to write about.  I just felt really introspective all of a sudden, but no real concrete thoughts popped into my head.  So, if you’ll listen, I think I’ll just ramble.

The Party Last Night

I went to a party last night and afterwards some of my friends and I were just sitting around laughing and telling jokes and it made me feel amazing.  My jokes were killing, the stories were flowing, and there was cold pizza.  It felt really nice to see friends I don’t see everyday.  After a week of chaos it felt amazing to just sit around and laugh our hearts out.  

I was sitting next to a friend, and her and I were getting touchy and close as we were joking.  Someone said “ohmygod you two - get a room already!” This friend I was sitting next to has a long term boyfriend, and everyone knows that, so this caught both of us very off guard.  It got awkward for a hot second, but more importantly it just made me remember what I was trying to forget about. It dawned on me that I was the only single person in the room.  Everyone else had left and it was just me and a bunch of cuddling couples.  What’s a man’s heart supposed to do, but feel even just a little bit sad.  

The Kissing “Cousins”

My two good friends who have started dating - I mentioned them in the last post - are really starting to annoy me.  When I see other couples I usually think “awh nice, good for them.” But when I look at these two I roll my eyes into the back of my head.  The girl especially annoys me.  She’s honestly always annoyed me a little, but this whole relationship with my best friend has for some reason really made her much more unpalatable.  I think she drives all of us - as her roommate has said - “bonkers” sometimes. 

Happiness

I love things.  I love buying new things.  I love owning many things.  But for the first time the other day, I realized that things don’t make me happy.  I always knew that was true, but I don’t think I ever really believed it.  To me, It was like a piece of advice from an elder that you disregard until your heart changes - until something in your life gives you no choice but to believe it.  Well, I think my heart has changed because the idea of new things doesn’t excite me.  I would take true love over every jacket, every jersey, and every sweater.  I would take something to be truly passionate about over every Adidas sneaker.  I would take doing something and being a part of something that is truly fulfilling and meaningful over every video game, every computer part - EVERYTHING. 

OVER. EVERY. THING.         

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Friends Collide

My best friend and my other really good friend just started dating, and it’s beyond bizarre.  I’m not even going to sugar coat it.  For me, although I know others in our friend group feel the same way, it is quite weird.  I’ve been spending the past day or so trying to wrap my head around it perhaps a little too much, and it never ceases to be odd.  Every time I picture them together I get the heebie jeebies.  It feels like a joke - like it’s not really happening. 

I’ve sort of come to this impasse here where there’s nothing I can do about it, and I just have to accept it.  My real fear is that this will destroy our friend group.  We’re a tight knit group, and it feels like my brother and sister started fucking - that’s how bizarre - and kind of gross - this feels to me.  I think I’m way too close physically and emotionally.  I live with my best friend, we share a room, and apparently they hooked up while I was sleeping in the room.  Which - yeah - is fucking disgusting and beyond unsettling.  

I could put all that in the past, but I can’t get past the idea that this inbreeding will eventually implode on itself and bring our friendships down with it.  I guess I might be being selfish and just thinking about myself, but they were only thinking about themselves when they sucked face and jeopardized our friend group - so fair is fair.  I just need friend insurance.  When this goes to shit where will I go?  I don’t think it’s selfish to worry about how this relationship will affect our futures. 

I want to be happy for them.  They’re two of my best friends, and I want to support them no matter what.  Ultimately I think I will, but god damn this is just weird.

It feels like an outlandish joke.

~ written in my apartment