thedrugdealersgirl

[thedrugdealersgirl]

It’s been 2 years

And I still miss you the all the same It’s been two years And I can’t forget It’s been two years And my heart still hurts the same It’s been two years And no alcohol will help It’s been two years And I still love you

[thedrugdealersgirl]

Drunken thoughts and feelings.

I really think I’m done yanno I’m so so exhausted all the time And everything plays on my mind I’m numb though, if that makes sense Like there’s so much weight on me and my heart hurts but that’s it Nothing else No tears No anger Nothing Just done I’ve tried so so hard for so many people I’ve been there and I’ve helped them in the most diar of situations and now? Nothing. I’m so scared I’m so lost I don’t even know whats going on anymore I feel like I’m just floating through life. With no real destination, just countless crossroads with no meaning. I’m so uptight and closed off, I can never explain how I really think. How did this happen How the fuck did this happen to me Never one ever asks for any of this but knowing that others feel like this, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m so surrounded by people but I’m so fucking alone. Whenever I try explain it I feel like such a burden and I fucking hate going on like this but I swear to god this is my only outlet. Even just getting out my drunken mind is relieved ever so slightly. There are so many times a day when I am just burdened by regret, by the what ifs and what could’ve beens. It hurts like hell. I miss the life I had. The friends I had, the laughs and the times spent fucked in someone’s bathroom. I miss you And I’m sorry. I promise I’ll try But there’s only so much I can take and I can’t take much more.

[thedrugdealersgirl]

weed, alcohol, valium, codeine, morphine, cocaine.....anything to feel something 😩

[thedrugdealersgirl]

i wish i could say to you how sorry i am

that i know how much i fucked up and that i really regret everything that happened between the two of us. It was all so fucked and my mind was so mangled at the time. everything hurt and nothing made sense. I know you tried to help me and i guess at the time i was just being stupid. but it was so so hard for me to keep pretending like nothing was wrong even though i know deep down i needed help. i just didn't wan to admit it. Sometimes i think about the what if’s and to be perfectly honest i push them to the back of my mind, i don't really want to think about it, it hurts a bit to much. i know its so fuckin silly.

Anyway, i hope that you’re happy, i honestly and really do. I really hope you are doing all the things you said you always wanted to do  and i really wish all the best for you.

thank you for trying to help me, im sorry if i hurt you in my downfall. 

[thedrugdealersgirl]

I’m starting to feel old... Almost as though the years I have to fuck about are slowly slipping away from me, are starting to disappear. I don’t know how to feel because at the moment I feel like a waste of space, like I’m wasting the summers and the weekends. And when I say I don’t know what to do, I mean it, I don’t know what to do, my head is all over the place and my head hurts, it really fucking hurts, I dunno if it’s the tumour or if it’s my feelings, but argh fuck knows, I’m a mess at the moment and that’s fine it’s okay sometimes to be a mess...right? I don’t even know anymore. Just feel lost. Don’t see myself getting old, the worst part? I’m okay with that.

[thedrugdealersgirl]

As much as I said I never wanted children, being faced with the possibility of never actually being able to have one...it’s fucking awful. I feel like a failure of a woman.

[thedrugdealersgirl]

I will forever be thankful for the memories that I have. Even more thankful that I have photos. My memory’s shot. I’ll never forget the laughs I had, ups and downs and the 3am tears. Walking miles in the summer sun for only a gram. It hurts that I’ll never have that again. I’m making new memories with new friends and old flames but it’s hard not to look back sometimes. I can’t really bring myself to say how I really feel because it would just take so long. But I really am grateful because now I know so much more, about life, about people and about a certain kind of life. I miss it But I won’t go back So thank you I’ll never forget you But those memories As good as they are And as amazing as they felt Came at a cost. I made a bet and I lost

[thedrugdealersgirl]

Ive lost my fucking mind 

its gone man

numb

dead

i feel insane 

a prisoner trapped in my own head 

my own fucking brain cell

but its fine though 

isn't it really 

in a way were all fucked 

we know it 

FUCKED 

and i love it 

there is something so so fun about going off the rails 

i don't know what it is but its just great fun

not having a care in the world about anyone or anything

ill fuck myself up until there is nothing left

and ill fucking love every last second of it 

[thedrugdealersgirl]

@legalizacion1993

[thedrugdealersgirl]

Mumma, im so sorry im not sober anymore...

[thedrugdealersgirl]

I know you'll never see this.

but i need to get this off my chest.

I think about you every single day. I so so hope you're doing well. 

We went down in fucking flames man and the burns still hurt.

I don't know what to do with myself at all.

I feel so lost.

I’m sorry, i’m so so sorry. 

We almost made it. We were so so fucking close.

and there are so many things that have been left unsaid.

I wish i could be back in your arms again...

Maybe, one day, we will find each other again.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye

and im not going to say it now because i refuse to believe that we are completely over.

Im sorry. 

[thedrugdealersgirl]

Where are you?

and I'm so sorry.

[thedrugdealersgirl]

Burning out.

it hasn't quite sunk in yet.

It doesn't feel quite real.

I don't know what im supposed to do now... I never leave the house and i sleep ALL the time because i have nothing to do. No one to talk too and no one to see. 

I just want to be back in your arms again, feel your warmth and kiss your lips... I miss how your eyes lit up whenever you smiled, you have the most beautiful smile. 

Even writing this is so so difficult i’m finding it so hard.

Im lost and im scared there's no where to run..

why did we burn out 

you understood me like no one else

picked me up at my worst point 

now i can feel myself going back there...

[thedrugdealersgirl]

The only thing keeping me trying and keeping me sane is now gone I’m done

[thedrugdealersgirl]

Reblog if you are thinking about smoking some weed🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁

[thedrugdealersgirl]

Cause I don’t wanna remember But I don’t wanna forget But now I need to delete all the pictures And all the messages And then maybe I’ll stop looking though them Maybe I’ll stop daydreaming I’ll stop thinking about all the best memories of my life whenever I drive past a place we all used to hang out or had a laugh at London cannot come soon enough Come September I won’t have to remember anymore I won’t have any triggers I’ve tried so hard to forget I’ve drunk so much and smoked so much but it doesn’t seem to work I can’t open up to people like I used to, I’m so scared to get close because my social skills are fucked and they’ll get tired and they’ll go I’m a liability. With everything going on at the moment I just want to crawl into a ball and hide away from everything and just sleep I want to sleep all the time ALL the time Nothing is good anymore it really isn’t and I so wish I had a time machine and I would go back and change everything I so wish I could say I wish I never met all of you but that’s so untrue. I have never in my life had friends like you in my life, you were more of a family than my own blood was. I hate myself so much for what happened. I had the memories of my life with you, laughed like I haven’t laughed before or since, the late night talks and conversations where I actually felt loved and like I belonged somewhere. It’s all over now I’m not okay But that’s okay.

[thedrugdealersgirl]

I have an MRI scan today. I hate them so much It’s horrible you’re so confined into such a small tube my fucking eyelash’s touch the top and you can’t move your head at all, you’re all caged in. Another lot of injections and I go like a bloody pin cushion. I just want to go back to bed.