thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

Long overdue

Hey Paul. Sorry this is so late. I started working 2 months ago at YJ International. It is a refurbishing company that has an exclusive contract with Winix America to sell refurbished air purifiers within the United States, Central America, and Canada. I got hired to be in charge of the ecommerce, but since then have created my own title of Director of operations haha for the resume.  It’s tough work and long hours, but I’m honestly blessed to be in this position and getting out of the house everyday with a purpose has given me more energy and confidence these days.

I don’t know if I told you but I actually went to a doctor to get prescribed medicine for my anxiety/depression. It’s been a long going issue and in the past and I neglected it because I thought things would turn around, however I really believe I have a medical problem and have found a prescription that has been working. There are still tough days and darkness, but with the medication and work now, I feel like I have gotten a lot better and things are looking optimistic again.

No yuhjahs on my mind these days haha. I don’t get out of the house enough to scope.  I’ve been consistently going to church but my QT game is weak atm. Same with the gym/diet. Im the kind of person where if one thing is going well in my life, I build discipline and the capacity to do more, so hopefully other parts of my life will fall back together again. Im on the path of getting my life back on track becoming the man I want to be for Her haha. However, I still need to pray that I focus on becoming the man that God wants me to be and prioritize that in my life.  

Pastor Min once gave a message about spiritual capacity and spiritual power.  At work I am working hard and being disciplined so that I can grow my capacity so that one day, given the opportunity, I’ll have the power and skills to move onto better positions in my career. In the same way, I need to build that spiritual capacity by growing in my relationship with God and being disciplined in my prayers/qt/daily life so that in time, when a huge obstacle arises, I can call upon God and he’ll give me the spiritual power to overcome.  

I’m buying a car this week so I can be more available for hang outs/visits to Madison. I hope you can host me and we can have lots of fun haha.  I owe a lot to the friends I’ve bailed on this past year and am trying to build those relationships again.

Speaking of relationships, family life has been okay. I feel honored to be able to help out my mom with bills after being a bum for so long.  Brother and sister are alright. They both are going through a moody season so it’s hard to be as patient/understanding with them especially when I’m tired from work, but I’m trying to be faithful there. I’ve been praying a lot to be able to forgive and love my dad. It’s hella hard and there are still days that I get super angry that I’m shaking haha but things are getting better between us.

That’s just a quick update on my life. We’ll talk more when I visit or you come down again. I’m planning on making a trip up there at the end of the month so keep your schedule free for me haha. I want to meet your friends and your friend.  I hope all is well. Pray that I stay disciplined, thankful, and trust in His plan for me. I will be praying for you in this difficult time too. Love you brother. Have a great week!

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

It’s been a while bro :)

6/2/17

To start things off, a verse I’m trying to get into my thick skull - 

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

So, It’s quite a bit to update ... haha :) Life’s been alright - Ministry things settled down quite a bit because of summertime & we have 1 month completely void of duties (other than opening for morning prayer). So lots of free time on my hands these days... & jobs the job (i didnt get a promotion I applied for recently & that bummed me out a wee bit but still trying to grateful for each moment/day there) 

I’m going to be word vomiting quite a bit for this portion (please excuse the length/”raw-ness”) I’m using this as a processing tool as well! 

So, as I said over the phone, I confessed! Woohoo!! :D it was friggin nerve wrecking and I was so scared ... I actually don’t even remember what I said much but I was just sitting there muttering & thinking “I’m not sure how to say it...” It was in within that season of “when that 1:1 setting happens, I’ll confess - and if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t but I’ll live each day with that level of commitment but no anxiety for a deadline.” I actually didn’t even let her what she felt or didnt even give her a chance to respond ... she asked “do I get to respond?” I said “no, pray about it first!” - then left. 

It was good in that she was actually praying too! PTL brooooo :) Probably one of the happiest, cheek to cheek uncontrollable smiling moments I’ve had. We decided to meet biweekly for the next 2 months in this season of praying & seeking God’s will. The main theme was to submit & surrender. To be able to give our feelings up if God convicted us to do so & to continuously surrender ourselves to His will & seeking His will. 

One of the things to note is that her parents mean the world to her & she respects them more than I’ve ever seen a child obey & honor their parents. One of the things that her dad always said to her as a kid was that he had to meet the boy before she could date anyone. So long story short, it worked out because they were coming to Madison for her grad school graduation (in May). So we decided for that 2 months. 

Fast forward, and they came. It was friggin nerve-wracking again. I asked her dad in that week if he would meet me 1:1 to talk. We met, we talked about ministry and his calling & my calling for like 90% of the time. But in the end, he said it’s not time for her. He was thankful that we were friends and that was all he saw me as. 

So, we dropped it. We’re just friends as it was before. I told her that I was praying for God’s will in her life before this 2 months started - within those 2 months those prayers didn’t change - and after these 2 months, it won’t change. If anything, the 2 months of actively surrendering & submitting accumulated to this final act of surrendering & submitting. 

That’s it! There’s some details here and there but I’ll tell ya when we meet up :)

I am pretty sad though. I’m trying to learn what it means to process emotions through this season/circumstance. To be okay with being sad - to bring that to the Lord - to uncover deeper reasons/roots to my emotions. The easy way out these days is just to not think about it & distract myself or just be apathetic about it all. But I want to be sad. I want to cry. But I just can’t? Idk man... I over-simplify things too much when it comes to my emotions. Please pray for me bro!  

How are things going?? I wanna know not only your circumstances but what’s going on inside - the feels!! That’s the important parts we should be journaling - the things we need to write down. 

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

Devo + update bruh :)

12.2.16

chingoo-yah ~ :) here’s ma devo: Ephesians 3:14-19

I studied this passage for Family Group yesterday and I just wanted to further process and meditate on the words. Here’s some of my thoughts! 

v.14: “bow”: the commentary talks about Paul’s humility and his natural response to God’s “majesty.” I gots to keep praying yo :)  -> gots to fall on my knees and bow as I repent 

v.16: “strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-” The struggle is real these days with lust again ... looking at risque/crude red band commercials on youtube and spanish reality tv where bodacious women are featured and stuff T.T Def. need some strengthening from within! Having faith that God is working in my dark and filthy heart little by little

v.17: “being rooted and grounded in love”: not being flaky or shaky but staying true to the truth of His love. Not letting the whispers of lies of guilt/shame/unworthiness take over my life and current state but being truly founded on His love to say that I will not be shaken by these thoughts/doubts. Amen!

v.19: “to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge,”: I don’t even know love ... to seek to understand a love that surpasses understanding -> crazy man. When I think of my parents I can get a glimpse of that love -> working 12 hours a day for their kids. For 6 days a week ... basically wearing their bodies down for us. I can’t imagine doing that for someone else. Can’t fathom it. But that’s really only a glimpse or an imperfect depiction of His love for us. Crazy to think about. 

 a lil update :) 

I’m currently at a cafe studying with her ... my HEART :’( I gotta go put a dollar in the gym jar because I skipped out on a workout to be here with her ... T.T My heart is so easily fed bro :’( 

The ride up to Madison was basically just me & her T.T my roomie fell asleep in the back so we just ended up talking the whole way up here ... Aigoo ... I need your prayers to be strong bro ~! 

So I made a little compromise. So what you said from what P.Min about doing things with the wrong heart stuck with me. So the lessons that I wanted to learn this year in Madison was to have more Discipline and Humility. One of the areas of discipline was just simply going to morning prayer every day. So I’ve been slacking for the past month before Thanksgiving break and I’ve been pretty disappointed in myself for justifying reasons to not go and stuff. So here’s my compromise. I told myself that only if I go to morning prayer every single day for the months of December and January, I’ll confess in February. If I fail or struggle in this, I’ll stick to the original plan of May. :) Keep me accountable broski ~ & know that I’m praying for you too ! 

Please pray for my parent’s health too ~ they be pretty weak these days... my dad still has to remove more molars because of his physical condition and stuff & my mom is working herself to the bone because one of our employees is on a leave ... 

How can I be praying for you too ? :) 

In His love,

Paul

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

Back once again :)

Micah 1: 10/3/16

v.1: the clear commandment to hear/listen His Words. The chapter ensues to speak of the destruction/doom that’s to come. A lot has to do with sins of the people of Judah. v.1-7: the clear impending doom that’s to come due to the sins of the people. 

v.8-16: Micah’s response to this vision/Word of the Lord: “lament and wail, stripped and naked....” this compassionate response to the current state of his nation. Praying to have this burden for Madison and my city. As sin is rampant, why does my heart not break for the people here? I’ve become so passive/accepting of the culture here. Consistently reminding myself that sin is real and how to be counter cultural in holiness and purity. 

v.16: “make yourself bald and cut off your hair... make yourselves as bald as the eagle...” lol I’ma shave tonight cuz our accountability group failed :) just a fun little coincidence haha 

A little about life: That’s good to hear man! Stay disciplined & faithful in the small things that God’s entrusted to you! (including health,family, intelligence etc...) I’m trying to do the same :) Life’s been pretty good until this past week... it’s been going pretty smoothly but I just found out there’s some rough storms to come in my Family Group (small groups). A lot of relational issues and it’s really testing my heart to love & nurture for the members. 

My heart is out of control (this is the update you prolly wanted to see :p) Idk man ... I’m just so friggin consumed by her man... I hate it :( seriously, not a night goes by these days where I’m just lying there wondering. The most disgusting thing that I’ve been seeing in myself more and more (& more of the reason that I know I’m not ready/not the man of character that I want to be) is just how jealous I am for her. When other peeps make her laugh/ tease/ innocently “flirt” with her, my heart just churns... (then I have to immediately rebuke myself T.T) But seriously, I don’t think it’s time for me :) & trusting that God will take care of it if I’m just faithful to the commitment that I’ve made (to serve whole heartedly for this year). I’m such a babo man ... babo for love. 

:) update me more often bruh ~ 

Prayer requests:

1. Prayers for the Family Group & relational issues within: praying that God will move & heal hearts 

2. Prayers for my own heart! Seeking FIRST His Kingdom in all that I do/think/say

3. Prayers for my family :) I just found out my dad is sick :/ the stress is manifesting in physical forms (he has to get 3 teeth removed this week because the roots are rotting out) & because of things like this, I wonder if I made the right decision to stay here for a year despite my parent’s health. (but I’ll probably come home this upcoming week :) les play) 

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

Back at it again!

Romans 10

This chapter showed Paul’s heart for the people of Israel and the Gentiles. The Israelites were zealous for God and pursued righteousness, but unlike the Gentiles, they pursued it by works and not by faith.  They sought to establish their own and did not submit to God’s righteousness.  Paul talks about the “stumbling stone” and how their pursuit of righteousness by works resulted in a futile effort to merit God’s favor rather than pursuing it by faith.  This is something that I have shared multiple times with you.  It is this struggle of becoming the man that I want to be versus letting God make me the man he created me to be.  There is this constant internal struggle that I have and whether or not I am doing things for the Lord in faith, or selfishly to merit God’s favor. It’s ironic how the same external action can have such different internal motives and realizing these motives has shown me how sinful I really am despite doing “good” things.” I really need to stay in the Word so that my heart and my purpose would align with God’s heart and purpose for me.  

 Hello my friend. It has been a while since we’ve done this.  Third time is the charm right? I hope you’ve been well.  I have been trying to become more disciplined and improve my physical, emotional, spiritual health day by day.  It’s been getting better.  I had an office interview last week that went well and am prayerfully waiting for good news. I’m back on my lifting and dieting regiment and hopefully the next time I see you in person, there will be a visual difference haha.  Overall, I have been really convicted that I need to stay in the Word.  When I think about the most happy and productive times in my life, it was when I was in the Word. I truly believe that it is powerful and that God really uses it to speak to me.  Thank you for reaching out and encouraging me to stay diligent and not forget this accountability QT chain.  Let me know how you have been and if there is any way I can pray for you!

 I’m truly thankful for you brother. :D

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

Am I a coward ? But God is so good :)

Sorry I'm so late Josh, this past week was crazy crazy :p Romans 3 V.3: does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means!" ... So true for myself this past week, we actually had our AAIV winter retreat this weekend and it was just crazy how unprepared I felt for leading worship but God was nevertheless so faithful to all of us. This verse was actually exactly what I was thinking after our last worship set: how faithful He is through it all. V.18: there is no fear of God before their eyes. Dang ... I know I live such an arrogant/"self-sufficient" life. V.23 is always mentioned (for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God) but v.24 is usually never followed! (And are justified by His grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus ..." As a gift! But just an aside, I really don't know how to receive God's grace. Forgiving myself is definitely one of the hardest things because in my mind, it is not justified that if I hurt someone (and multiple people) it shouldn't be up to me whether or not I'm forgiven or not when the other person is still hurting/in pain be of the hurts caused by me. I once was rebuked by someone because if I continue to live with this mindset of I have to "suffer" because someone else is suffering because of me, I'm basically spitting on Jesus on the Cross because I'm denying His forgiving power and creating my own rules for my own salvation ... But even still, too hard to accept grace as a gift. Righteousness through faith. Some updates: So last week actually I told my roommate about my feelings for Her that I've been having for the past year. It was actually so nerve wrecking because I just didn't know how he would react. But knowing him in hindsight, he's just a really logical and understanding dude so he actually handled it very well. So in my own mind, I feel like a little less of a coward. :) but even still I still feel crazy because I can't get myself to say anything to her anytime soon.... So I had back to back weekend retreats (one at my church last weekend and one with AAIV this past weekend) and definitely pin a spiritual high as God's faithfulness was so evidently expressed. Learning to let go of my fears in life too. OH ! You remember Pastor Patrick that was at Lakeview? He was actually our guest speaker for AAIV this past weekend haha I just remember he shared his testimony at the Coffeehouse when we won the Amazon gift card lolol. Do you know Esther tho? (Patrick's wife) they're so lovey-Dovey with each other and it was so adorable ... She also helps him prep his sermons and always gives him feedback and processes with him ... Relationship goals man :) This week is our career fair and I'm trying to get all the resumes and applications in check too ... pray for me ! What's going on with ya brotha ?? Miss you man

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

The struggle is real...

1/26/16 

Hello my friend. To be honest each day recently has been a struggle.  Career fair is a little over a week away and as each day passes it seems as if my anxiety is increasing along with my laziness.  I think I know in my heart that I need more of Jesus in my life, but as life gets busier, He seems to be the first one cut out.  However, even when I fail, I need to keep fighting and fall forward.  Here goes…

Ecclesiastes 2

This passage seems so relevant to me.  Solomon searches for meaning and happiness in this life.  He “wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives.” He drinks and feasts.  He amasses wealth for himself in the form of treasures and land. He acquires more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before him. He buys slaves and prostitutes.  Verse 10 “I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure.  Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”  He then focused his efforts inward and tried to accumulate wisdom.  However, like a fool, a wise man dies too with no one to remember him.  It seems as if every human effort to achieve something for themselves ends up being meaningless.  Verse 23 mentions how all of man’s days of pain and grief is done for nothing if it is not for God.  The passage ends stating, “to the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner, he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God.  

 After reading this passage, my first reaction is to go all out for God and just completely trust in him for my future and my own happiness, but it is in the most perverse way possible and the sin I struggle with a lot.  I become conditional with God and misunderstand his grace and love for us.  It becomes a contract with God where I give him my heart because I believe it will bring me happiness in this world instead of a joy that is completely different than worldly satisfaction. Sinfully, I think that if I go to winter retreat this upcoming weekend, God will give me an interview. I think that if I go to small group sharing today, God will help me focus more on my responsibilities.  If I miss Sunday service, God won’t help me at career fair. My relationship with God is very twisted to be honest and even if outwardly it looks as if I am living my life for God, deep down, I fear that I am only living my life for God in order to accomplish my own goals.  How do I change this? How can I have a pure heart that only desires to please God and not myself or others? I pray that God would change this within me, and that through enough “faking it,” that my heart would become one that is truly obedient and devoted to Him.

Praying for you brother. Keep fighting! :D

=;��`��

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

1.25.16

Ayyy, hope you're doing well brotha School is kicking off and it's gonna be a hard and long semester with all the psych courses & just looking for jobs... prepping myself for the season of rejections & humbling experience through all of this too ... But realizing moment by moment of His goodness & even the goodness of what my parents have done for me by His grace: remotivated day by day! Romans 2 Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. 2 We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. 3 Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? 5 But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed. 6 He will render to each one according to his works: 7 to those who by patience in well-doing seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life; 8 but for those who are self-seeking[a] and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury. 9 There will be tribulation and distress for every human being who does evil, the Jew first and also the Greek, 10 but glory and honor and peace for everyone who does good, the Jew first and also the Greek. 11 For God shows no partiality. God's Judgment and the Law 12 For all who have sinned without the law will also perish without the law, and all who have sinned under the law will be judged by the law. 13 For it is not the hearers of the law who are righteous before God, but the doers of the law who will be justified. 14 For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do what the law requires, they are a law to themselves, even though they do not have the law. 15 They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them 16 on that day when, according to my gospel, God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus. 17 But if you call yourself a Jew and rely on the law and boast in God 18 and know his will and approve what is excellent, because you are instructed from the law; 19 and if you are sure that you yourself are a guide to the blind, a light to those who are in darkness, 20 an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of children, having in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth— 21 you then who teach others, do you not teach yourself? While you preach against stealing, do you steal? 22 You who say that one must not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23 You who boast in the law dishonor God by breaking the law. 24 For, as it is written, “The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.” 25 For circumcision indeed is of value if you obey the law, but if you break the law, your circumcision becomes uncircumcision. 26 So, if a man who is uncircumcised keeps the precepts of the law, will not his uncircumcision be regarded[b] as circumcision? 27 Then he who is physically[c] uncircumcised but keeps the law will condemn you who have the written code[d] and circumcision but break the law. 28 For no one is a Jew who is merely one outwardly, nor is circumcision outward and physical. 29 But a Jew is one inwardly, and circumcision is a matter of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter. His praise is not from man but from God. Reminded and rebuked once again of my instinctive and immediate judgment of people moment by moment. Especially when it comes to being critical of others in what I think they should live up to. (I'm co-leading a sg with another leader this year and I can see myself grow impatient with her and her lack of decisiveness and input, "being okay with whatever I say" kinda deal. Praying that my eyes will not judge but rather see the potential that God has put in her and her leadership. V.7 "in patience well-doing seek for glory and Honor and immortality, he will give eternal life." ... God shows no partiality: gotta learn how to see with His eyes. Circumcision of the heart. Always so messed up by this because I can gauge my spiritual life in actions or outward expressions: I.e. How sg went, how other people are responding to what I say/act, how many events I go to etc. But obeying the precepts of the law from the heart, not fulfilling the law. Learning to love Him first before all this, and letting only the natural response to love take place. How you doin brotha ?

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

A semester devoted to Him

1/19/16

I remember saying that we’ll read Romans together as well. I started it before, but never finished it haha.  This time I guess we can finish it together. As I wait for you to catch up, I’m on chapter 9, I’ll read Ecclesiastes. I feel like this book will help me remember and love God more as I pursue all of these earthly goals in this last semester of college.  

Ecclesiastes 1

“Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” As Solomon reflects on his own life as well as the observation of others, he comes to this conclusion that everything is meaningless.  Solomon talks about how human effort appears to be without benefit or purpose and therefore without meaning.  We live in a world of repetitiveness and sameness, one without apparent progress and meaning.  What is even worse is that in verse 11 he states that “there is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.” As many generations of men there have been throughout history, we still cannot get it.  At least I can’t.  I find myself, through every stage of life, going through the same self-inflicted difficulties.  We pursue things that we think are important to us, end up getting burnt out or failing, then fall into a state of depression where we believe we can pick ourselves up by our own bootstraps and then pursue the same things because it will make us “happy.”  Mankind has been plagued by this vicious cycle of the pursuit of the wrong things and will continue to suffer under it because of sin.  

In the prologue it stated how the basic thrust of Ecclesiastes is that all of life is meaningless if it is not rightly related to God. Only when based on God and his word is life worthwhile. I pray that I would come to this understanding.  In this last semester, there are so many things that I want to and need to do (job, healthy body, girlfriend, strengthen friendships) because of worldly expectations and my own understanding of what will bring me happiness.  However, I need to learn that all of this is meaningless if it is not for God and through God.  Lord, as I go into this last semester, I pray not that I would do it right this time, but that YOU would do it right in me.  I pray that you would help me to grow into the man of God that you want me to be and not the one that I want to be.  Help me to continue to love and depend on you.

Paul. I’m really looking forward to this and I desperately need it.  As things go up and down in life, I feel like my frequency of posts will reflect that, but let’s help each other stay accountable. Through it all, let’s love God more. He is worth it :D

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[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

Some thoughts to update ya with !

Since I got back, whenever I interact with the girl, of course I enjoy it entirely but afterwards am faced with the question that you posed that I may not think she's the one for me (there will be others in the future) because I'm not acting on my emotions ... But friggin every single night these days man, I fall asleep thinking and reminiscing the moments of the day I spent with her T.T I don't even know ! Hope first day of class is going well bro :)

[thediariesofwholesomebrothe-blog]

Romans 1

@ the union between classes. Our first Bible Reading :D I'm not sure if I'm crazy or if I actually remember, but I recall us talking about doing Romans before ? Even if it wasn't, I'll just do Romans 1 for today :) I thought we could start nice and light, just reading a passage and pointing out verses that spoke truth into our daily life and prayerfully in the future we'll delve deeper together. Romans 1: V.12: reflected on how this little Bible study will be mutually encouraging to each other by of our faith V.24: about lusts of their hearts & impurity. The time @ home is always so fricking hard in terms of porn and masterbating. Basically became the enemy's stronghold in my house. Pray for me! Although it is so much better @ school, the temptations are still so real. V.32: even those who give approval to people who practice sin "deserve to die" My people pleasing-ness need to be disciplined and controlled when confronting Sin for sure. The idea that God gave up people due to their sin. Am I @ a point where God will give me up to sin ? His wrath is always so downplayed in my life. Learning to fear God for who He is.