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BREAKING: PoliSci prof adds 147 pg article to  syllabus less than 12 hours before beginning of class, bafflingly still believes students will read it

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Band at FUCS Show So Obscure, They Don’t Actually Exist

Friday night at Haverford. Your options are limited: a sketchy frat-style party at 19? An a cappella afterparty? By far the most popular option is going to a FUCS show where little-known bands play to a crowd of black-clad cigarette smokers, most of whom only wear black and smoke cigarettes after 9 pm on Fridays.

This week, the FUCS has found the next great hipster sensation: a band so obscure, they don’t exist at all. Around 120 students crowded into Lunt basement Friday night to stand in front of the empty stage and dance to the music the band wasn’t playing.

The band, known as Nothing, was founded in 2014 and has been playing underground shows and college campuses with their signature style of not showing up, having members, or even existing.

“It was amazing,” said Lily Andrews ‘15. “They just have an incredible energy. They’re definitely my new favorite band.”

“FUCS is so ahead of the curve on this,” agreed Connor Jamieson ‘18. “None of my other friends have even heard of them, but I have a feeling they might be the greatest band of this decade.”

In an official statement to The Squirrel, FUCS explained their decision to bring Nothing to Haverford as opposed to the last band they brought to campus, Something.

“We wanted to do something different,” said FUCS. “We are constantly trying to expose students to new and different types of music. Last year we brought in an artist whose songs were beatboxing imitations of azure-toned animal noises superimposed on top of post-structuralist jazz trombone. It was one of the most popular shows of the year. We believe Nothing is the next step of will-only-ever-be-on-soundcloud indie music, and we wanted to showcase that.”

“When I saw the posters were just blank pieces of paper, I knew we were in for something incredible,” said Andrews. “I was right.”

Meanwhile, this has caused outrage from some of the of the less hipster students on campus.

“How the fuck is this possible?” demanded self-proclaimed Haverbro David Holmes ‘17. “No one cares about FUCS shows, and now they’re bringing in bands that literally don’t actually exist? I don’t understand how they get 10% of our Students’ Council budget. Literally no one goes.”

Holmes has never actually gone to a FUCS show, but remains steadfast in his belief that the 100+ students who attend them also do not exist.

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Arboretum Tree Funeral Best Attended Event in Haverford History

On March 21 at approximately 5:23.41 AM, campus tree Fagus sylvatica passed on after a long battle with the plant pathogen Biscogniauxia nummularia.

Students and alumni alike expressed their shock and deep sadness.

“One day the tree was totally fine, looking like a bunch of twigs on top of like...one big twig. And the next day he was just on the ground with its roots and sap everywhere,” sobbed Ally Jones ‘17. “That’s not the way Fagus would have wanted to go.”

Alum David Lightwood ‘87 of Portland, Oregon expressed his sadness as well. “That tree was my best friend at Haverford. We did everything together, I mean everything. Truth be told, Fagus was my first,” said Lightwood.

Due to resounding demand from students, faculty, and staff, a funeral was held on March 28. Alums came from far and wide to remember and pay respects to the tree, as well as an unprecedented number of students.

“It’s crazy that 98% of the student body showed up for the funeral of a dead plant,” Honor Council member George Bilirakis ‘16 said. “I don’t understand, people were abroad and shit. Like five people show up to Abstract Discussions and this tree gets f%^#ing quorum in 2 seconds on the Facebook event page. It’s ridiculous!”

While Bilirakis’s negative sentiments were rare amongst students, many were also shocked by the number of attendees.

“Who are these people?” Grace Brown ‘15 exclaimed. “I know I’ve lived in the apartments for three years and never go to any events on campus, but still, it’s like I don’t even go here!”

The funeral was led by Bill Astifan, Head of the Arboretum. Astifan led the service despite a group of 11 students and faculty members protesting his use of pesticides during the bug invasion of 2008. The protest was peaceful and respectful, but it still prompted a lecture on the necessity of pesticides and the importance of protecting all trees from Astifan.

“Fagus would have appreciated the gesture,” said Sam Lim ‘18, who organized the protest. “He was always big into social justice. He even let us post flyers on him a couple times before the arboretum staff made us take them down.”

Other than the protest the service was objectively the nicest funeral anybody had ever been to. In a moment of true beauty, all the black squirrels came out of their hiding spots, joined hands and sang a haunting rendition of The Smith’s “There is a Light That Never Goes Out”.

At the end of the service there was a moment of silence, during which the student body sat quietly on Founders Green until someone awkwardly coughed, the traditional Quaker signal to begin speaking again.

Arboretum staff have placed a bench in the place where Fagus used to stand with an engraved plaque reading “In loving memory of Fagus sylvatica, who loved this spot.”

Fagus sylvatica is fondly remembered by friends, family, co-workers, that girl he hooked up with during Spring Fling and awkwardly had breakfast with at the DC the next morning, and Jeff Bridges.