thecuriousbeanie
Curiousness Abrupt ☯
۞ hi im one curious beanie ۞
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Consistency
It will always be there
Day in, day out
But one thing remains true
God always has a plan
I don’t know who I will end up with
How much money I’ll make in 5 years
Or even what I’ll look like by then
But I have faith everything will fall into place one day
For now I’m focusing on me and my growth
Exploring new diets and workouts
Ways to make myself happy
•••
Sometimes I ask god why
Why did you let that man die that night
Or why did you put so and so in my life
What lesson did they teach me
What was their purpose in my growth?
Time and time again I think about those who I haven’t been able to keep a connection with
Danny, Jacob, Ky
Or all the people who I’ve mistakenly given myself to
Like Dillon, or all t in Great Lakes. They were so irrelevant that I can’t even remember their names
It makes me sad how I let myself get that low
Gave them a part of myself I can never get back
“Everyone takes a piece of you
It’s the special ones who you let take a bigger one”
Realizing self worth is one thing but actually being able to keep it is another
I have always craved a significant other and I’ve never really been single before
I’ve always been talking to someone or in a relationship
I want this endless cycle of happiness and then sadness to end
I want to be in a state of a happy medium
Not overly enthusiastic but on my grind
Killing it with life and work
Have healthy relationships
With god, my family and my S.O.
But that takes time
Time to heal from the ones that broke us
And time to find ourselves
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“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am still both happy and sad and i’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” The Perks of Being A Wallflower (2012)
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When I lay my head to sleep at night, I think of you
Us
My head on your chest
Hearing your heartbeat, faster then slower
Your breathing when you were falling deeper and deeper into sleep
When I would roll away from you to get comfortable you would rub my back and finger trace under my sports bra
So delicately
Like waves that crash into the sand, hugging them so closely and never quite letting go
Just sliding away for a bit and then coming right back
Your finger in my hair, playing with it and moving slowly
Knowing that it would make me fall asleep
Now that I know things aren’t as I thought
It hurts
But it’s happened before
And hey
You never know what god has in store for you
I need to stay blessed and stay humble
We may work out in the end
And if we do, I know sparks will fly
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I’m so tired of living a constant cycle of being happy for 2 weeks to a month, then being very sad and having to overcome all of that happiness for 2. Then thinking that I learned, moving on and having the exact same thing happen, again.
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It keeps happening and it just hurts so bad
My heart is slowly loosing faith
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