thecolorblue420

[thecolorblue420]

CHAPTER 3: the beginning of the end

A little bit after our first date we continued to hang out and go on multiple dates. They were all heavenly and made permanent marks in my memory. He’d stop by my house and drop off gifts like candles and sweet drinks before he went to work. And one day while we were at a gas station looking at stuffed animals he looked at me and wrapped his arms around me tightly. I did the same and he asked me, “ will you be my girlfriend?” My heart was beating fast and butterflies collected in my stomach and I said, “ of course.” And in that moment I felt loved and safe.

We spent every moment of spare time we had with eachother doing nothing but going on small adventures and keeping eachother company while making memories. For valentines he brought over chocolate covered strawberries and we went on a sushi date. And sometimes he’d ask to come over and he’d bring food and we’d watch tv together. Heavenly. But one night he came over after work and looked sad and tired. I made him food and comforted him the best I possibly could. We cuddled for a bit but then he had to leave, so I walked him to his truck and he said,” we need to talk.” and my stomach dropped. He told me he hadn’t gotten over his ex and said he still wanted a future with her, despite them having been broken up for almost three years and had not contacted eachother since. I told him I understood and he started crying, gave me a hug, and left. That night I cried in the darkness of my room surrounded by blankets and the silence to keep me company. The next day he came into school wearing the hoodie I gave him. He looked miserable. I pretended like he didn’t exist, like he was nothing, I didn’t want to show he had gotten to me. I think what I did got to him considering he texted me later that day and said he wants to work on his problem with his ex with me and that we could work this out. Now that I look back on it taking him back was one of the most stupidest things I have ever done in my life, but nonetheless.

Fast forward a week and everything is back like it was. One night he came over after work and was exhausted so he laid down with me in his truck and cuddled till it was almost 2am. We started making out slowly taking parts of eachothers souls with each kiss we stole. We started taking off our clothes and one thing led to another. In that moment I wasn’t nervous of scared I was happy and wanted to kiss and touch every inch of his body. I wanted to make him feel loved and safe. I wanted to protect him with every part of me. At about 4am he went home. And I went to bed, smiling.

The second time we did it I snuck out of the house to meet him at a church. My parents noticed I snuck out and of course they flipped their shit, as a good parent would, and I got grounded. Yes I was upset about the punishment I deserved but I still say it was worth it. A short while after it was his birthday he had talked about a ring he had been wanting for a while now so I figured I’d suprise him with it. The ring cost a fortune but I figured the look on his face when he saw it would be worth every penny. And of course it was. We went to dinner with his family later that week for his birthday and I got to meet his mother, brother, and bestfriend personally. And they made me feel accepted, like I belonged with them. They brought out a birthday cake for MJ and sat it in front of me. The birthday cake said,” PROM?” It took me a minute to realize that he was asking me to prom and then when it clicked I yelled yes and kissed him. That was a good memory. I bought a $300 dollar dress for the prom I didn’t know... I wouldn’t be attending.

Fastforward a few weeks, at this time we had been dating for almost four months. He came over everyday, we had sex all the time. I remember one day he took me to the park in the middle of the night to sit on swing sets and sit. He pushed me on the swing and when the swing came on to him close enough he kissed me. Sweet innocent memories like that is what I crave the most. But after a while he began to change, he stopped responding to my texts as fast as he used to or not at all. When he came over he made excuses to leave earlier than he’d have to. Three days before, me and him where texting and he was upset. So I asked him what’s wrong and he told me,” I don’t know I feel like I’m looking for something else other than us.” And I stopped texting him. And I was tired of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed again and again hoping my love was enough for him to stay. He kept trying to apologize saying he didn’t mean it and I told him it’s fine I’m just going to turn off my phone for a bit. Five hours pass and he shows up to my house and walks in me room with flowers and fruity drinks. He tells me,” I’m sorry for what I said you know I don’t mean that. I want us to work because I love you. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.” And I believed him. If I could smack the shit out of my past self, I would.

Two days before, I texted him and I proposed an idea. I asked if he could come over early tomorrow and we could spend the whole day together. He said yeah and that he’d loved to. I spent the rest of that night thinking of what we could do. I had it all planned. My plan was that when he came over we could go walking along a trail that’s close to my home and then come back and watch one of my favorite movies 50/50. Then we could talk and draw and entertain eachother till we both fell asleep. I went to sleep excited for the next day.

The day of, I’m laying outside on the grass playing with my dog whose happy as ever waiting for MJ to show up. An hour passes and he doesn’t show. When he shows up an hour and a half later than he said he would be here, he walks out of his truck with my hoodie folded up and the ring I gave him closed in his fist. He walks up to me and hugs me tightly, let’s go, and says,” I don’t think we should be together anymore.” He hands me my hoodie and tries to give the ring back but I couldn’t take it. After all what would I do with it? He said we could still be friends and talk and hangout all the time. And I accepted it. I tried to show him that I could handle this maturely. And he left.

For two weeks straight I did nothing but cry and take really long showers. Food was basically nonexistent and I had dropped ten pounds. He texted me a week after saying,” talk to me about it, the pain.” And so I did. I asked why he would throw away something so wonderful and something that made us both so happy. To which his answer was,” I’m not ready for a relationship” or,” I don’t know.” Two weeks pass and we don’t text. I stalk his profiles and look at all the pictures I have of him saved in my phone, and I cry. I wish I could really describe heartbreak vaguely but I can’t. It’s hard to put into words. Everyone around me kept asking questions about MJ and it hurt. What really hurt the most was how I held onto the promises he made to me. The promises of forever. I didn’t know forever wouldn’t make it to a year. The last time we texted was three weeks from yesterday and I wanted closure. One thing he told me that made it click for me was this, “ I think we both just wanted sex and to be happy.” That’s not just what I wanted, it’s what he wanted, and he knew that. So now Im doing fine without him. I deleted his pictures from my phone and threw away any gifts he gave me. I’m enjoying being single and bettering myself so I can be better for everyone else. I still think about him a lot. And I can’t get into a relationship or “talk” to someone because it’s hard for me to give love. I’m scared of heartbreak. So I figured I might as well sleep around with other people and smoke to pass time. And so far it’s great. I guess after all of this I could thank him for making me happy, when he wanted to. I hope he’s okay. Stay safe.

[thecolorblue420]

CHAPTER 2: NEW BEGINNINGS

After me and Mr. I’ve changed I promise broke up and I got over what we had, I regained my self love and I went back on the market. I started talking to this guy ( Army Boy is the name) who was an absolute sweetheart but that only lasted about two weeks because he was being stationed in Hawaii and I didn’t want a long distance relationship. Plus he had major trust issues and long distance mixed with trust issues doesn’t work out.

I went through a phase of looking for any boy or girl I felt was the one for me and I always left disappointed. There was always something wrong like they wanted to control how I lived my life, wanted to change who I was, only wanted sex, didn’t want sex at all, completely different life goals, no life goals at all, etc etc etc.

Till I met him (we’ll say his name is MJ). He was absolutely gorgeous and funny and he had so much to talk about. He was so interesting and had a loving and welcoming energy radiate off him everywhere he went. I wanted to know everything about him, I wanted to tell him everything about me. I had eyes for him and only him.

The first time I ever knew of his existence was when he texted me on Instagram and said, “pink cows produce strawberry milk.” I didn’t know what the fuck to say so I just said, “the more you know.” And that was that. Two days later i texted him on Instagram to talk about a song he had posted about. The conversation was entertaining and it turned into a 20 questions type ordeal. I learned that he went to my school and was a senior. The next day at school I saw him outside the school pouring water on his face from a yeti cup. I started laughing and he looked up at me and smiled, I returned a smile. Over the span of a week we messed with eachother around school to keep ourselves entertained. I’d leave class to meet with him in the hallways and talk, he’d leave me chocolate outside of my classes, I left him stickynotes on the doors of his classes and he’d do the same to me. Finally I texted him and asked if he’d like to go skating with me. He texted back, “ is that a date?” And I said, “ if that’s okay with you.” That Saturday he picked me up from my house and we drove to the skating rink with the music blasting and us singing along in the car. When we arrived at the skating rink we spent most of the night playing air hockey instead of skating. We got bored so we left the rink and went to the mall. We walked from store to store sneaking glances at eachother and blushing. He looked beautiful. We stayed at the mall till it closed and when it did we walked laps around it to pass time. While walking in the cold air he looked at me looked at my hand and put his fingers around mine. His hands was warm and mine were cold so it felt perfect. The moment was perfect. We talked of our pasts and school on our way to get icees (despite it being late January and cold as hell outside). We got into his truck when we couldn’t take the cold anymore and just sat there making jokes and laughing and smiling at eachother. He started driving me home and while he was driving he slid his hand into mine and held onto it. The music was playing softly in the background and the streetlights surrounding us made me feel at peace. He let go of my hand and picked up his icee to get a drink but ended up dropping the cold liquid on his crotch and had to pull over. We both started dying laughing. That’s one of my favorite memories of him. We arrived to my house and sat in the front yard for an hour listening to music. He leaned his head onto my shoulder and I pressed my cheek to the top of his head. But the moment couldn’t last forever and he had to go home. Before opening the car door I looked at him in the eyes and he looked at me. Then I looked at his lips and he looked at mine. I smiled and said,” I don’t kiss on the first date.” He started laughing and I got out of the truck and waved goodbye to him before walking into the house and too my room where I flopped on my bed with my heart beating 100 mph and my stomach filled with butterflies. It felt so right. Everything made sense. I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

[thecolorblue420]

Note: so I figured I might split this blog into chapters so it’ll be easier to understand.

CHAPTER 1: MR. I’VE CHANGED I PROMISE

I started talking to my ex from two years ago in the beginning of June of 2019. (He was my ex because when we dated the first time he moved too fast for me and I wasn’t ready for such a commitment so soon.) We met up at a coffee shop to catch up and see how much we’ve changed over the past two years. We started hanging out more often and called eachother everyday to talk about our day. Admittedly it was nice and I missed having that type of bond with someone. A month passes by and it’s now August. We’ve gotten a lot closer and comfortable with eachother so we started dating. But as the months continued to pass me by and the seasons changed from summer, to fall, to winter so did he. He began to show his true colors towards my friends and toward me. He would start fights when I went out with my friends ( even though I told him I was) because he thought I didn’t want to hang out with him, he didn’t want to get a job or get a drivers license or plan for college even though he was of age, every time I tried talking about my problems he would blame himself and I’d end up having to comfort him instead of resolving my problems, he got into a fight with my bestfriend and ended up kicking him in the nuts and he didn’t talk to me for three days, told lies to my friend to make it seem like I didn’t like her, he texted his ex girlfriend a lot telling her he still loved and wanted to be with her. (I found out through her, not him.) he told me if I ever left him he would kill himself which was just so motivational. And things like that continued to happen for months.

Me and him had made a promise to eachother. A promise that I held on to like my life depended on it. The promise was that if I didn’t self harm he wouldn’t either. But like all the other promises, he broke this one too after a fight I had with him after he hit my bestfriend. And I later relapsed after almost 6 months of being clean.

One would wonder why I didn’t just leave him. My answer is I wanted a good, healthy relationship that would end with us being married and having kids and making teenage memories. Of course that’s every teenage girls dream. And having the mindset I did I told myself, “I can change him. I can be his healing. He’ll change for me.” Update: he didn’t.

So by December I left him. He was broken so he broke me too. He didn’t need a girlfriend he needed 6 years of therapy and a motivational drive.

I got over this breakup pretty quick because when you’re finally relieved from a toxic environment the freedom that comes with that is so uplifting it’s hard to stay focused on the past.

[thecolorblue420]

I seem to be having another breakdown. But not a breakdown like I’m crying on the floor for three hours then I get up and pretend it didn’t happen. This is the type of breakdown to where it progresses slowly over a span of a few months that originated from something traumatic or something my feeble brain couldn’t handle and always ends with me making yet another terrible choice and regretting it heavily later on. I have yet to know what that terrible choice is as of right now but I can tell it’s coming.

A question to ask yourself is this, what was that oh so terrible something that caused this breakdown? To which I have an answer. A breakup. Let me rephrase, ANOTHER breakup. The concept of breakups to me has always been sad. The thought of growing and loving so deeply with another human being fuels my desire to live. But more often then not they don’t work out the same way id want them to. And I’m left bitter towards the idea of me being/ falling in love with anyone and acting out to help distract me from the fact that I’m completely broken into absolute fucking pieces and putting myself back together is hard as fuck.

With starting this blog I want to talk about my life and what I’m feeling and my views on the world so maybe someone out there can feel less alone. I want to give advice and love and that be reciprocated if one is willing. <3