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THE COFFEE TABLE
A morning walk from Waterloo to Euston with coffee stops.
42 posts
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WORKSHOP 80A Mortimer Street, W1F 7FE
Charters and Caldicott are not chaps.
CHARTERS : How much do we love it?. We love it
CALDICOTT: I'm not sure about the Farrow and Ball grey.
CHARTERS: Oooh get you with your interior designer schtick. Me, I have no schtick.
CALDICOTT: You're all schtick. Nothing but schtick.
CHARTERS: Not when it comes to coffee. And that was lovely coffee. And I love the fact that they're RIGHT next to Starbucks. It's like Tilda Swinton standing next to Kim Kardashian.
CALDICOTT: The barista called me chap. Unironically. It's not as bad as mate, or pal, or boss, but chap suggests a level of matiness that I'm not entirely comfortable with.
CHARTERS: Dude,you wear tweed. Even when you're not wearing tweed, you're wearing tweed.
CALDICOTT: I didn't take it personally, until now. I just thought it was an affectation.
CHARTERS: Wait, what ? Him calling you chap ? Or the tweed.
CALDICOTT: Funny.
CHARTERS: I am funny.
CALDICOTT: But not in the way you think.
CHARTERS: I give the coffee a full on 9.5
CALDICOTT: 9.5
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SOHO BIKES 26 BERWICK STREET, W1F 8RG
Charters And Caldicott And The Cycle Of Violence.
CHARTERS: I'm worried about the state of cycling if it's clearly so apparent that no one can do it without a coffee buzz.
CALDICOTT: That would explain the cycling we encounter in the city. That would explain running the lights and running over pedestrians.
CHARTERS: I feel like that’s ire for another conversation. Back to the coffee.
CALDICOTT: No, I want to talk about the over-caffeinated cyclists. That coffee was too good for cyclists, well for cyclists who ignore red lights, which is most of them, or some of them. I've had too much coffee. I'll get my bike.
CHARTERS: I did like the bunting. I'm not one to shun bunting.
CALDICOTT: I've heard that - that's what they say about you. In fact that's all they say about you.
CHARTERS: Bunting shunner.
CALDICOTT: Let’s be fair. No-one would ever accuse of you being a bunting shunner. Whatever the opposite of a bunting shunner is, that’s you.
CHARTERS: I do love a row of tiny flags. Marks ? 8 for me. Boringly good.
CALDICOTT: 9.5
CHARTERS: Yeah, you're probably right.
CALDICOTT: You were distracted by the bunting. As a bunting shunner, I could fully concentrate on the coffee.
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SOHO RADIO 22C Great Windmill Street, W1D 7LD
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Charters and Caldicott: last night a a barista saved their lives from a broken heart.
CHARTERS: Ok, I loved that place.
CALDICOTT: Why ?
CHARTERS: Because there wasn't an olde worlde typeface. No exposed lightbulbs, not a single slate tray, and, to state the bleeding obvious, there was a bloody radio station in the back.
CALDICOTT: A radio station with a minor celebrity or someone who looked like a minor celebrity. Or somebody who looked like somebody who was once in an ad.
CHARTERS: But STILL just how cool? Like, I’ve not thought anything was 'cool' for AGES.
CALDICOTT: I could just tell that you wanted a job there as a DJ by the way you were talking to the owner.
CHARTERS: I do I do I do I do!!!! How could you tell ?
CALDICOTT: The small geyser of saliva.
CHARTERS: I saw that on DVD. Didn't it star Danny Dyer ?
CALDICOTT: Wrong kind of geyser. So, what would be your DJ name ?
CHARTERS: DJ Charters obvio. Or am I Caldicott?
CALDICOTT: I think DJ Charters should have his own rap.
CHARTERS: There once was a coffee shop. With an option to jive and bop. I got a flat white.
CALDICOTT: That's a limerick, not a rap. I think as a DJ you should know the difference between the two. I would say that was one of the conditions of the job.
CHARTERS: And can stay up all night. …. WAIT …. I need the last line of the limerick … There once was a coffee shop, with an option to jive and bop, I got a flat white, and can stay up all night, but not if I happen to drop (dead)
CALDICOTT: Ok, let's stick to reviewing coffee ... 9.5
CHARTERS: YES!
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CURATORS COFFEE GALLERY 51 Margaret St, W1W 8SG
Charters and Caldicott like to put the fun back into being pedantic.
CHARTERS: That was goddayam fantastic coffee, but we expected that right?
CALDICOTT: Well we didn't, because you were very sniffy about the name.
CHARTERS: Well that's what I was coming to.
CALDICOTT: Sorry to interrupt your flow.
CHARTERS: I was leaving you dialogue space for a comment about how my life is falling apart but this coffee might've made it better.
CALDICOTT: Nothing will ever make it better ... I assume you left a gap for me to say something like that.
CHARTERS: Right. Thanks. Now - my flow. THE NAME. The NAME. HOW could they do that? Curator's Coffee? What, is it like, only for Hans Ulrich Obrist or Massimiliano Gioni? Or, if we go back to the original use of the term - which the art world bastardised anyway - is it for the dude in the museum watching his eggs?
CALDICOTT: And how do you curate coffee ? It would go cold.
CHARTERS: No no no no see - it's not CuratED coffee, it's CURATOR'S coffee. *shudder*
CALDICOTT: Does that mean we shouldn't have been allowed in ? Talk about a niche market.
CHARTERS: Graaaaah. But once we were in, man it was nice. I don't like purple, but I do like light and wood and space and LOVELY COFFEE and nice people.
CALDICOTT: Anyway, I hope the curators enjoy their coffee because it was a work of art. I may have to hang something on a wall just to get in again.
CHARTERS: No, what you have to do is TELL SOMEONE ELSE to put a painting on a wall. Have I taught you nothing?
CALDICOTT: Only sexually. But that’s another blog.
CHARTERS: You know, I’m quite self-conscious about the owners reading this.
CALDICOTT: It's not as embarrassing as the time you declared your love for that ginger barista on Golden Square.
CHARTERS: I did nothing of the sort.
CALDICOTT: Look at our archives, I think you'll find you did.
CHARTERS: If I look at our archives I think I'll find that you made me do I did.
CALDICOTT: Are you saying this blog is a work of fiction ? If so, is this the meta bit ?
CHARTERS: Totally. Shall we go with the numbers?
CALDICOTT: 9.5
CHARTERS: I'm throwing down a 9.5 for that one. The .5 is the loss of heat, which made me sad. But that .5 is basically the UK weather robbing Curator's perfect score.
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MASTERS 53 Great Portland Street, W1W 7LG
Charters and Caldicott have rain clouds in their coffee.
CHARTERS: That coffee was my tears. It was a combination of tears - my tears of despair that the coffee tasted like water flavoured with the stuff they put in fake jelly 'coffee flavour' sweets from the pound shop and Jesus's tears from when Jesus wept at the beauty of that cronut and the tears of joy that I've found another place that does salt beef on rye near work.
CALDICOTT: That's a lot of tears. even for you.
CHARTERS: The fancy lid couldn’t save the coffee and it couldn't save the coffee from gravity either. It's all over my front.
CALDICOTT: But I'm beginning to grow suspicious of fancy lids. This had a foam control hole, I don't know about you, but I've never had a problem with out of control foam.
CHARTERS: I have.
CALDICOTT: I forgot. But that wasn’t coffee related
CHARTERS: True.
CALDICOTT: That lid was just to distract us from the mediocrity of the coffee. And we’re not easily distracted, well we are, but not by coffee lids. So, 4 for me/
CHARTERS: Yep me too. But who knows, maybe a 10 for salt beef...Like, I like to keep optimistic.
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SOHO GRIND 19 Beak Street, W1F 9RD
Charters and Caldicott grind out another review.
CHARTERS : So,it's a branch, I realise, of a Shoreditch thing, which feels a bit like we're being infiltrated by the... East.
CALDICOTT: First Timber Yard, now this ... there goes the neighbourhood.
CHARTERS : That's exactly it! (Sshhhh, was quite nice coffee though..) What did you think of the decor?
CALDICOTT: I don't remember the decor, all I remember is that you didn’t want cake on your birthday. You preferred something salty ! Who doesn't want cake on their birthday ?
CHARTERS : I. I don't.
CALDICOTT: I mean what kind of male impersonator are you ? Have you ever met a drag king who refuses cake ?
CHARTERS : That is, like, a super hard question to answer, but the tart was good
CALDICOTT: I mean you should have your own Eurovision song contest entry. Everyone would love your story - the male impersonator looking for love in all the wrong coffee shops.
CHARTERS : Your determination to turn my life story into ANY kind of depressing rom com dramedy/black comedy/disaster morality tale is kind of distressing.
CALDICOTT: Let's face it - it doesn't need any help from me.
CHARTERS : Grah! But the coffee I liked the plants and the floor, which looks like that bodes badly for the coffee
CALDICOTT: The coffee was smooth but not in a Eurovision kind of way, like a bearded lady, but it was coffee not camp. I think I've lost myself in that metaphor.
CHARTERS : I think you lost a lot of things in that metaphor. Marks?
CALDICOTT: 9.5
CHARTERS : Wow really??!! I mean, I was shooting for 8.5, but that's very bold of you. So it's a 9 from hims!
CALDICOTT: That concludes the voting from the Soho jury.
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BACK ON TRACK COFFEE 3A Wimpole Street, W1G 9SF
Charters And Caldicott lose their train of thought.
CHARTERS : TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN ! There was a moving train.
CALDICOTT : I know. But why ?
CHARTERS : TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN !
CALDICOTT: But did I miss a theme ?
CHARTERS : TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN !
CALDICOTT: A rail theme of course – but would it really be so much effort for the barista to wear a costume, like an old railway driver ?
CHARTERS : TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN !
CALDICOT: But why the train ?
CHARTERS : TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN !
CALDICOTT: Is that all you have to say for yourself ?
CHARTERS : TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN !
CALDICOTT: That’s what I thought. Sometimes I wonder what kind of man you really are. If I didn’t know you better, I’d swear you were a small Jewish lady …
CHARTERS : TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN !
CALDICOTT: Never mind. 8 for me.
CHARTERS: 8.5 for me!
CALDICOTT: Do you have anything else to add ?
CHARTERS : TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN !
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ARTIGIANO 104 New Oxford Street, WC1 1HB
Charters and Caldicott's snobohemian rhapsody.
CHARTERS: I felt like I was in an airport terminal, where it's hard to tell what kind of day it is. I think the enjoyment is inversely proportional to the scale of the place. I think one of the ones we liked best was the cupboard in a wall one.
CALDICOTT: I think you are definitely happier in a closet. As for the coffee, it was like a coffee made by a committee - inoffensively appealing to everyone, everyone being everyone who goes to All Bar One of an evening.
CHARTERS: Ooooooooooooooh, snob
CALDICOTT: Don't pretend you're not a snob. You're a snob in bohemian's clothing.
CHARTERS: Oh no, not this again. Are you accusing me of being a snobohemian ?
CALDICOTT: Yes and you've just started a demographic. A demographic of one, but still a demographic.
CHARTERS: I'm a cliche in my own demographic?
CALDICOTT: At least you have your own demographic. Do you know how many people in London are trying very hard to be in their own demographic ?
CHARTERS: How many ?
CALDICOTT: Not enough.
CHARTERS: Oh stuff it. The coffee. I give it 6.
CALDICOTT: 6
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TIMBER YARD 7 Upper St Martins Lane, WC2H 9DL
Charters and Caldicott know why the hipster burnt his mouth (because he ate the pizza before it was cool).
CHARTERS: You were all raised-eyebrow sceptical about that before we went in, but I liked it very much!
CALDICOTT: You shouldn’t read too much into my facial expressions these days. I only have one. Since the injection.
CHARTERS: I don’t remember you ever having more than one. But back to the café - like, that interior wasn't too aggressive, I could have done without ye olde suitcases, but the room was warm and light, and my sinuses buzzed pleasantly.
CALDICOTT: My sinuses haven’t buzzed pleasantly since the injection. But the furniture was unusual for a hipster hang-out. Somebody had clearly been to the DFS sale - I refer you to the grey sofa with recliner.
CHARTERS: But at least it looked comfy. Snob. Also, I think 'DFS Sale' is the name of the shop. It's never NOT on sale.
CALDICOTT: Most coffee shops only have furniture that seems to have been removed from a skip at the dead of night.
CHARTERS: I seriously loved that coffee. It was like, hey shawow!
CALDICOTT: I’ll see your shawow and raise it with a whoomph.
CHARTERS: Yes, this is heading north on the table for me
CALDICOTT: Possibly a kapow. So 9 for me.
CHARTERS: 9.5 for me. For the gentler décor, or 9.25. Loss of .25 for the disproportionate size of croissant to coffee -mini coffee, maxi bread.
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TOPOLSKI BAR 150 - 152 Hungerford Arches, SE1 8XU
Charters and Caldicott make an exhibition of themselves
CALDICOTT: So, it didn't start well - no lid offered (your pet peeve) and served in a corrugated cardboard cup (mine)
CHARTERS: Yes, and a startled look from the staff. “Customers? I don't understand.” Also, forgive me for being dim, but the film? And the décor? It was a lovely space, but I think I missed something.
CALDICOTT: It used to be an art gallery and it still thinks it is. As a former art critic, what did you make of the art ?
CHARTERS: Oh shit, is THAT what it was? Anyway, the coffee was unremarkably good, if you see what I mean.
CALDICOTT: I know exactly what you mean, for once. I was a bit worried initially because of the startled look. I thought the cleaner might have left the door open by accident and was now making us coffee because she didn't have the heart to admit her mistake. We've all been there.
CHARTERS: Like the taxi driver on the BBC news who was interviewed by mistake about IT
CALDICOTT: Exactly. And I'm sure you've been there more than most
CHARTERS: Yes. I'm secretly a taxi driver. Anyway, I did love the location and the space and because it was sunny, everything looked grand, but the coffee was still a mite cold. So, I'm shooting at a 7.5. You?
CALDICOTT: 7.5 - but mostly out of relief
CHARTERS: Bas relief? (dadum tsh)
CALDICOTT: Is that art critic gag ?
CHARTERS: Yeah, there it is.
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KAFFEINE 66 Great Titchfield Street, W1W 7QJ
Charters and Caldicott take their koffee seriously.
CALDICOTT: For me it all began with Kaffeine - it was the first time I'd seen a coffee shop painted black. And to be honest, I was a little intimidated. I thought it might be the kind of place that was strictly members only or had a secret code and handshake to enter. Ever since then I've thought that a coffee shop painted black meant it was a sign of quality. Now I realise that it means they've bought a tin of black paint.
CHARTERS: Yes. But the coffee at Kaffeine is good.
CALDICOTT: It is. And I think I'm right in saying that they pioneered the three croissant on the slate/tray idiom.
CHARTERS: Personally, I prefer the single croissant on the plank of wood idiom. Distressed wood, naturally.
CALDICOTT: Naturally.
CHARTERS: This morning it felt like EVERYONE in there was 45, with chic grey hair and perspex glasses. That's Fashion Week for you, I suppose.
CALDICOTT: But also the black paint attracts hipsters with perspex glasses - they unconsciously gravitate towards it. It's the black paint working its magic on them.
CHARTERS: There is magnetic black paint. I want that SO BAD. You paint stuff and then can stick magnets, so you can make ANYTHING a fridge.
CALDICOTT: Perhaps there's metal in their glasses - or their teeth.
CHARTERS: Turns out braces aren't magnetic. I had them, and I tried to use fridge magnets.
CALDICOTT: Why would you do that ?
CHARTERS: What part of that statement doesn't make sense? What else you gonna do with metal in your face? At least find a USE for it.
CALDICOTT: You suddenly make sense. So ... 10 for me - for the memories.
CHARTERS: 9
CALDICOTT: 9.5 it is.
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THE MILK BAR 3 Bateman Street, W1D 4AG
Charters and Caldicott are low falutin'.
CALDICOTT: I thought this morning's beverage demonstrated the difference between beans and coffee, The beans were top quality. However, the coffee not so. It began well but faded badly.
CHARTERS: Oh now that's waaaaay high falutin’. I found the whole experience pleasingly easy.
CALDICOTT: I don't like easy with my coffee. And is there any other kind of falutin’. Is there a medium falutin’ ? Or a low falutin’. And what is a falutin’ anyway ?
CHARTERS: Whatever it is, it must normally be low to the ground or otherwise we wouldn’t need to comment on its height.
CALDICOTT: Well deduced.
CHARTERS: But the place wasn't offensive and they didn't try and sell me a lifestyle with my coffee; an extra .25 for the coffee doorweight; but the coffee wasn't hot enough.
CALDICOTT: The milk is the problem – when it cools, it kills the coffee, or at least de-activates it.
CHARTERS: Why does the milk have to cool? Can't there be hot milk? When I do it at home, I heat the milk on a lovely Slovenian bit of enamel.
CALDICOTT: I heat my milk on a lovely Slovenian.
CHARTERS: Number…
CALDICOTT: 7
CHARTERS: 7.5 … 7.25 it is!
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CAFE GOURMAND 53 Lexington Street, W1F 9AS
Charters and Caldicott: sous les paves, le cafe au lait.
CALDICOTT: Why is a French cafe serving flat whites ? It should only do two types of coffee - cafe and cafe au lait. Flat white simply doesn't translate into French.
CHARTERS: But then you TRICKED THEM. We asked for a flat white so maybe they're sniggering to themselves now.
CALDICOTT: But they shouldn't even offer it. They’ve let themselves down, they’ve let their country down.
CHARTERS: Perhaps it’s a French plot to sell British people fake Australian coffee.
CALDICOTT: Perhaps it’s a Situationist joke.
CHARTERS: If it is, then it isn’t very funny.
CALDICOTT: Situationist jokes tend not to be very funny. How many Situationist comedians have you seen ? But then again, you’d never see a Situationist comedian in a comedy club. That wouldn’t be very Situationist.
CHARTERS: Now you’re just making a spectacle of yourself.
CALDICOTT: So, points. I’m heading for 6.
CHARTERS: I was gonna go 7, so 6.5 it is.
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FLAT WHITE 17 Berwick Street W1F OPT
Charters and Caldicott keep a lid on it.
CHARTERS: I think I need to practise mindfulness. I was SO not concentrating in there. I asked for your coffee with coffee in it and got the Antipodean equivalent of this expression: O.o
CALDICOTT: And you didn’t see the expression on my face. Bur your attention did snap back when they told you that they had no lids.
CHARTERS: Sad. Coffee cold and all over my hand. I read an article that said that people generally can't walk more that 6 steps with exposed liquid. It's about the swish of the fluid in the cup.
CALDICOTT: Especially if you sashay down the street, But I felt your pain. I always feel your pain. This, though, was particularly painful. For both of us. You love a lid.
CHARTERS: I do you know.
CALDICOTT: What I liked was they have a cup and a lid for every type of coffee and they'd run out of flat white lids, but couldn't bring it upon themselves to pour a flat white into a cappucino cup.
CHARTERS: Wait, wait, they DID offer. I just didn't want to lose more heat in the pouring.
CALDICOTT: Yes, but it seemed like a big deal, like some sort of sacrilege. Like serving communion wine from a plastic cup
CHARTERS: But on to the liquid. Predictably good I think.
CALDICOTT: It was creamy and comforting, and London lost a few decibels as soon as I drank it.
CHARTERS: Yeah, I thought that just might've been temperature. The more we do this, the more I'm convinced I like coffee sitting down.
CALDICOTT: Nietzsche said never to trust a thought you have sitting down, I don’t know if he extended that to coffee.
CHARTERS: I’m giving it a 7… .5 maybe.
CALDICOTT: 8 for me. So 7.75.
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SPEAKEASY 3 Lowndes Court, W1F 7HD
Charters and Caldicott have one of their spats.
CHARTERS: I quite liked that place and I quite liked the coffee. But it didn’t give me the kick up the backside that I need in the morning. Especially after three weddings in a week. That’s all I have to say about it. Is that boring of me ?
CALDICOTT: No, because that’s what I thought. And this is why we need other criteria to judge coffee shops. I was thinking about the barista’s beard, that could be a criteria. Today’s was a particularly fine example of the form, beautifully manicured. Not quite Edwardian Sailor, but a nice bit of face topiary, nonetheless. I wish we could buy beards to take away, don’t you ? Not fake beards, like in a joke shop. But real beards. Other people’s beards. The same with hair. Have you ever wanted to buy somebody’s else’s hair ? I know I have. … So what did you think of the beard ?
CHARTERS: I was too consumed by my personal hysteria to notice the quality of the beard.
CALDICOTT: We could review your personal hysteria. That could be a criteria.
CHARTERS: I don’t think so.
CALDICOTT: How would you review today’s personal hysteria ?
CHARTERS: Not playing.
CALDICOTT: No ?
CHARTERS: No. So, the coffee. I’m giving it a 6.5.
CALDICOTT: Me too. And 6.5 for the personal hysteria also. It was quite average as your personal hysteria go. It wasn’t up there with the bad date/work overload nexus, which was a perfect 10. As was the no date/work overload nexus. But the three-weddings-in-a-week fatigue is distinctly middling. Don’t you think ?
CHARTERS: ….
CALDICOTT: And how would you rate this particular personal hysteria ? … 9 ?
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FREESTATE COFFEE 23 Southampton Row, WC1B 5HA
Charters and Caldicott are sinking in the quicksand of their thoughts.
CHARTERS: I goddamn liked that coffee and I like where we got it from. Also, the flavour was enhanced by the Sicilian Arcade walk, and the pre-coffee cucumber water.
CALDICOTT: So, it gets points for cucumbers in water ? It doesn't take much to please you. But we knew this already
CHARTERS: And didn't you like the place? Unfussy and welcoming and the staff were normal, although a little freaked out by our Nazi architect discussion so early in the morning.
CALDICOTT: Is there a correct time in the morning for a discussion about Nazi architecture ? And I don’t think they were freaked out. They were patently impressed by my knowledge of Albert Speer’s work.
CHARTERS: Impressed ? That’s what you read on their faces ? REALLY?
CALDICOTT: Impressed and also persuaded by my argument about the need for a moral imperative in aesthetic judgements, especially aesthetic judgements of Nazi architecture.
CHARTERS: You are sadly deluded
CALDICOTT: Wrong again. I am happily deluded. And you are a sore loser.
CHARTERS: So points. ..
CALDICOTT: 8
CHARTERS: 8 for me also. And are you REALLY making an L with your fingers ?
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WORKSHOP 75 Wigmore Street, W1U 1QD
Charters and Caldicott's indecision is final.
CALDICOTT: The problem with this general high standard of coffee is that it's getting hard to differentiate.
CHARTERS: And it doesn’t help that we don’t know anything about coffee.
CALDICOTT: Indeed. So how about added points for a good looking queue ?
CHARTERS: Chat? We could judge on chat?
CALDICOTT: Barista chat or queue chat ?
CHARTERS: Both ideally. We could review all the body art on display.
CALDICOTT: But is it ethical to review a barista’s tattoos ? Or anybody’s tattoos, for that matter ?
CHARTERS: Well, if they put it out there…
CALDICOTT: True. They could wear long sleeves if they didn’t want us to secretly judge the inkmanship.
CHARTERS: Or are we going to have to start taking baked goods into account ? I don't think I can handle so much bread.
CALDICOTT: True - it has to be the coffee and the experience. Experience is generally less fattening than croissants.
CHARTERS: Yeah.
CALDICOTT: Except if it's the experience of eating croissants.
CHARTERS: Well, sometimes a croissant is ABSOLUTELY necessary.
CALDICOTT: So, points…
CHARTERS: I'm shooting for a 9. I liked that coffee.
CALDICOTT: 8.5 for me, so that’ll be 8.75, then.
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