thecheeseballblog - Tumblr blog

thecheeseballblog · 3 years ago

Text

[You who never arrived]

Rainer Maria Rilke Translated from the German by Stephen Mitchell

You who never arrived in my arms, Beloved, who were lost from the start, I don't even know what songs would please you. I have given up trying to recognize you in the surging wave of the next moment. All the immense images in me—the far-off, deeply-felt landscape, cities, towers, and bridges, and un-suspected turns in the path, and those powerful lands that were once pulsing with the life of the gods—all rise within me to mean you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all the gardens I have ever gazed at, longing. An open window in a country house—, and you almost stepped out, pensive, to meet me. Streets that I chanced upon,— you had just walked down them and vanished. And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors were still dizzy with your presence and, startled, gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows? perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us yesterday, separate, in the evening...

Hello for the last time,

This should be the last letter I write to you. It’s been 745 days since the first letter, which is still months after the moment I realized that I harbored feelings for you, and that you were already lost to me even before I could tell you. 3 letters for almost 3 years that I had with you, I’m sorry I couldn’t wait out the 5 years nor the 15. I had hoped that this would be the final happy letter as I said, one that would tell you that I had never suffered in loving you, that I had gotten to live my life beside you, cherishing our friendship and keeping these precious feelings I have for you. I’m afraid it’s not the case.

Last year brought a lot of changes between us. It was a sobering reminder that your world will keep turning heedless of whether or not I was in it, that I wasn’t in your plans, nor did I come close to being one of your priorities. I was right in thinking that I lived on borrowed time, and here we are. Maybe sporadic conversations were enough for you to think that you were cultivating a friendship but it was no longer cutting it for me. We barely see each other given the circumstances, and after you left the company, we barely even talk. I got so used to you being a constant in my life that after you left, I no longer knew how to deal with the long silences when I thought that I would never have to deal with them again after meeting you. I’ve since found other things to fill these silences but I didn’t expect that you’d slowly no longer be a part of my daily life, and more unexpectedly not because I put distance between us. I believed you when you said that you’ll be here for me no matter what, but actions will always speak louder than words.

When we met recently I thought that my affections had died down somewhat because of all the distance between us. But there I was again, misconstruing every interaction, putting more meaning and thus more burden and expectation on the both of us that neither of us wanted. After you left I didn’t know what to do. It was like how we were back then but it was only for a few hours and it left me so confused as all the feelings that lay dormant keep rekindling when I face you. How can I go on like this? How can I keep beating myself down only for it all to be unraveled after a day with you? We both do not want that, I think.

These changes and new dynamics give me so much anxiety and so much longing for what we had before and I realized I couldn’t go on cultivating a one-sided friendship when I was already cultivating one-sided feelings for you. I was a fool to think that I had finally found in you someone who won’t take me for granted, or treat me lightly. My deep affections for you after all, are rooted in this feeling that you cherished our friendship, it was only my fault that I fell because of it. I loved you because you treated our friendship preciously, and you made me feel less alone in this world, more so than anybody else. And now that it has dwindled into slow affection with an undercurrent of my resentment for all the things that passed between us, I’m afraid that If I don’t stop here, I’ll end up resenting you the way I did with Lyra. Did you know, I tried to write your new year’s letter first? I was excited about it even. I was going to write about all the good memories I had of you this year, thank you for them and sincerely say, “I love you,” in all the ways I could possibly mean it, same as I always have. I ended up writing it the very last because when I looked back, I realized, I couldn’t recall any good memory that wasn’t tainted by my own resentment and that I had to stop before there were no more good memories that I could keep for myself.

Knowing you and all that you’ve been through, I could not begrudge you of any choices you made that you thought was for your own good and for the future you were envisioning. It wasn’t your fault that I had burdened myself with my own feelings and had too many expectations out of our friendship, but it wasn’t mine either. Life just happened to us and maybe we were just destined to live parallel lives, the point where our paths came close had already passed and gone.

I had imagined how I would go about telling you. I would have to leave for work or go abroad for something, and I would ask you out for coffee probably. I’d have all these letters printed out, dated by year, inside my bag. I would probably say, It would be a while before you see me again. And you would respond something along the lines of, We won’t see each other physically but we’ll keep in touch. But I would respond that no, I’m afraid we won’t be keeping in touch this time. Do you remember? When I kept telling you that I’m emotionally volatile that sooner or later I’d be sabotaging myself to put distance between us, which led to you repeating to me that I’ll never get rid of you? This is no longer self-sabotage but self-preservation. Even though I don’t owe you the truth about my feelings, I owe myself the peace of mind to have no regrets in my life.

I probably won’t say that all out loud, but instead offer the letters in lieu of an explanation. I’d ask for you to respect my decision to no longer contact me and I would try to leave it at that. A year ago, I was sure that you’d cry with me as I tried to let you go and even fight me on that decision, but the fact that I’m doubting now whether you would, saddens me greatly. I’m no longer sure where I stand, and that in itself proves to me that this is the correct course of action. How ambitious of me to think before, just because of our inside jokes and being ale to relate to each other’s experiences, that I knew you like the back of my hand, that we were cut from the same cloth, only to hesitate now, and realize that we weren’t really on the same page even as friends.

I would like to stop here, my love, no last coffee between us, no more wondering or hoping on my end. Please provide me the space I need to move on from this. I wish you every happiness in the world and to remind you that you’re too clever, empathetic, and brilliant for your light to dim because of anything. I apologize that I won’t be keeping my own promises and that in showing you all these, I will have to let you go now. Please don’t try and reach out, if I ever knew myself, I’ll just misconstrue it again and misread the situation, and it will just make the both of us miserable even more; and even if you’ll say we won’t make it awkward it will be, (even as I type these last few sentences I can feel myself arguing back, what makes you think he’ll care enough to even do any of these? so I’ll just stop here.)

I do really love you Jordean, but this time, the weight of almost three years is too much to bear and I’ll be laying it at your feet so I can go on with my life.

Regretfully, G

to my greatest love

Hello my love,

I’m addressing you this way because I’ve finally come to terms with it. You may as well be my greatest love. Someone asked me, “your greatest love, and yet you’re not in love with them?” And I responded that yes, I love you so deeply that I want your happiness to last, and I want you to experience the love that you deserve despite how much I’m hurting that you had not found it with me.

It feels surreal that I’m writing here once again. It’s been three years. Three years since and I have come to terms with my sexuality, that the reason for all of the confusion is that I am only ever attracted to people I can feel an emotional connection to first, and finding no one attractive in the last three years is okay. Three years and more since I have felt anything remotely close to how I have loved anyone in more than one sense, all until you showed up, I guess.

I’m always good with words, people tell me. But I don’t know how to articulate this sadness. I told you once that I can’t process more than one emotion at a time due to my own limits and I’m forced to right now.

I want you to know how sincere I am in all the times I wished for you to be happy, for you to know that I support your relationship and that I’m glad that you’ve found someone you deem worthy of your love, enough to make plans with them for the remaining years we have on this earth. I’m so happy that you feel so intensely about another human being and that they make you feel so loved as intensely as you probably do. I’m happy they satiate your need for attention, intimacy, and affection.

I’m just facing the grave reality that I may never feel this way again. At this point, I would not be surprised if you already knew how much I love you and in what sense. I tell you this everyday. You are very clever, and you are also wise. I know that you love me, and that you care for me as well, and I am very lucky to have this friendship with you. I am content with this. My heart feels so full.

And if I had learned anything from all these years, it’s that I am also allowed to feel this melancholy apart from the happiness. I apologised profusely for reacting the way I did when I found out. It was because of the reasons I have told you that one day by the stairs, but I have masked my words enough to tell you a half truth. I am worried about you getting hurt, that I thought it was going too fast and sudden. But I am also worried that this will be your greatest love, and in the future if you find another person, (I hope to god, for your sake, that this one lasts!) everyone will pale in comparison, including (if by some miracle) myself; thus the very real fear, that I may never have the chance to be loved by you as more than you currently do.

I do not plan to tell you this, for as long as I can, as I think it too selfish. I might, in the moment of extreme weakness, though, and I hope you can forgive me. I will always remind myself that telling you means that I am putting my feelings over your relationship and happiness, that telling you means I am giving in to the minuscule hope you leave them and reciprocate these feelings, that it will be born out of extreme selfishness. I hope you believe I am not selfish, and that if I tell you, it is only because of my human limits.

I planned to tell you. I planned the 15 years I thought I had with you. I cherish our friendship more than anything, as you are my most precious friend, the one I felt understood me, who was in tune to how to respond to me, the most. The cruelest thing life did to me, was delaying the day I truly met you, and have this friendship with you. I knew that this meant I was not in love with you, but I saw myself loving you in that way and it made my heart soar. If I deserved anyone’s love, and if anyone deserved my love in this way, it would have been you. I have no illusions though and my insecurities and jadedness never allowed that, at my very core I was always preparing for your rejection.

I told Bianca that I would wait for the day, maybe in 5 years time, before I told you. Maybe in 5 years time I would have already found someone, or I would be in a place where I can graciously accept your rejection. And you would be in a place where despite this confession, you will believe me when I say that I am all right, that you would not treat me differently, and you would continue to treat me as preciously as you do now. A part of me still hopes that you would accept me, that I can tell you despite how much I talk about not wanting to have a child, I would if it was with you. That I do not want to leave the country to start a life abroad, I would if it was with you. That I believed we can temper each other’s intensity. That I believed how perfectly we can be together, because for once, someone was worth more to me than the fears and insecurities I carry.

How silly, all these thoughts I had. As I was cherishing our friendship, and delving deeper into whether or not I’m in love with you, you were already in love with someone else. I’m not very good with dealing with emotions, and I was largely misreading all of the gestures, mistaking them for something more than what they were.

Despite it all, you were still my source of comfort. I was so afraid to face you when you told me. I was trying my best to be someone you could confide in and receive support from, given the nature of your newfound relationship. But the next day when you told me, I realized I could be truthful with you to some extent, and even then you calmed me because I realized how much I love you, and how much I want this to work out for you.

I hope you never see this letter. I hope that I would write another one, from a place of happiness, and it would only be to thank you for being my greatest love, even if you weren’t the one that would last me.

3 notes · View notes

thecheeseballblog · 4 years ago

Text

[You who never arrived] – Poetry Daily

0 notes

thecheeseballblog · 4 years ago

Text

Hello my love,

I'm writing to say, it's been a year. This is not the promised letter. Shamefully, I write this one after crying over the first. I did not expect to feel as intensely as I did. I had hoped that I was wrong, that calling you my greatest love was a naïveté I could grant myself and laugh off after a few months.

I even, for a while, allowed myself the idea that I had moved on and that I was waiting for the feelings to rush, to write a letter for C, but it did not come, and I only gained more heartache. She gets no letter. Would you have done that to me? Would you have promised me one thing, and renege on those promises so cleanly, so unfeelingly, like I was a burden you were dying to get rid of? Would you have not felt any remorse at all? Probably not. I picture telling you and crying, and you would cry because I know you love me enough to hurt for me. She gets no letter.

How had we grown impossibly close? I had hoped that if I normalized telling you I love you, that it would get old quick. Don't people say that if you repeat something enough times, it then becomes meaningless? How did I manage to mean it every single time when I said I loved you? How did that intensity not peter out into what I had hoped would be companionable, platonic affection?

Thank you so much for being my support and comfort in these last few months, and I hope that I was able to make you even fractionally happy as you've made me despite the world burning. I will forever be grateful that for once, someone had so enthusiastically wanted me in their life, to include me, and think of me. I love you so much that I don't see myself ever entrusting myself with anyone else.

How had you let me in, a foot in the door at first and exposed me to what lay inside my own house—forced me to answer questions like, "how are you?" To respond to "I miss you," to get greeted each day with such warmth. I feel like I've been struck open to how much I lack affection, how I lack warmth in my life. If a little cruel, I am standing in your shine albeit in the shade, because your full brilliance was never for me. I, however, am happy here, and I'm sorry but I want to allow myself to stand here a little longer, to soak up as much as I can before I inevitably have to leave. I never wish to soil these memories with selfish thoughts even if they are excruciatingly difficult.

I know that you'd like nothing more than for them to come home to you, but sometimes I think about what that must mean for me: like I'm living on stolen time, and any day now, I shall once again have to remove myself to spare my own feelings. I imagine having them here, you would invite me out to meet them, and I would have my feelings displayed so plainly on my face as always that I would have to bear the consequences and shame of falling in love with my friend's partner while they were not around.

I have to constantly remind myself that no matter how close we get, you aren't mine to worry about, at least not in the way I would have liked to. There's no future to plan out, no compromises to make, no ends to make meet. To constantly remind myself that there is a line that I must not cross and in doing so, I have unwittingly fueled my own insecurities that I've been fighting for so long and made me spin lies to myself with the attempts to deny myself. It's so hard, my love, to constantly have to tell myself I'm not worthy, to tell myself cruel things just to quash any hope that wants to bloom—How can someone like me be wanted by someone like you? How can I ever dream to be the person you want, when I'm this ugly, little, evil creature that will dim your shine? How can I ever be enough for you?

I feel more ashamed to tell you now, because of how much grief I've caused myself, the lengths my thoughts have taken just so I can contain all these feelings.

If I was really honest with myself, I'd want nothing more than for you to love me back in the same way, everything else be damned—never mind the filial obligation, never mind my fear of bearing children, never mind how highly incompatible we are, every single little thing that could go wrong. The way I crave for that kind of affection from you has turned me into a desperate little thing and it's unbecoming of me. I am not proud of it.

The other day, after J* left the car and I was no longer subtly leaning onto your side, it took a lot of willpower to scoot over and remain where I was, on the other side of the seat. It would have been very easy to move little by little toward you, to rest my hand on your knee. It took a lot of my strength to stop myself from crossing lines, going over and over in my head "it's fine if you pull him closer, you can say that you were just tired!" "Friends can cuddle, it's nothing weird nor serious!" And then I remembered what you did, minutes prior.

You were asked a personal question and lied through your teeth to hide the person you loved. And I know I had to remain where I was, that if I didn't stop myself from taking advantage of being in the enviable position of being someone you were comfortable with, I would hate myself.

A week prior you invited me out for coffee and we ended up staying together until the sun went down, talking about absolutely nothing at all. You said that you know me very well and will have no qualms sharing a space with me. For a fleeting moment I thought about deluding myself into thinking what we had was more than it was, and I was horrified that I could think up such thoughts and betray your trust.

I hope you can forgive me, for all the times I thought that I should just risk our friendship for an attempt to ask you for something that you could not possibly give me. I'm but a weak, desperate person whose heart you've touched and changed.

to my greatest love

Hello my love,

3 notes · View notes

thecheeseballblog · 5 years ago

Text

11 mars 2020

Aujourd'hui j'ai rêvé de toi. On était dans une voiture, mais nous n'étions pas seuls. Ça commençait assez normale, je presque pensais que c'était pas une rêve. Mais ce qui me convainquait qu'il était une rêve, soudain—tu as pris mes mains, et après tu m'a bisé.

Cela fait longtemps et j'ai pensé que mes sentiments ont déjà passés. Mais j'ai pleuré, même dans mes moments éveillés je n'ose pas d'avoir ces types des pensées. Mais je suis là, avec l'ardent desir et envie de toi après tout ce temps.

Veuillez me pardonner. Il semble que je ne peux pas écrire le lettre que je t'ai promis. Ce n'est pas encore le moment.

0 notes

thecheeseballblog · 5 years ago

Text

Reflections three years later.

I still don’t know if you’re going to be a man or a woman. It’s 2016 and I think my queer card is expiring, how weird is that? I’m becoming a heterosexual. Non-exploitative, non-homophobic, pretty much feminist still.

Anyway.

I’m currently comfortable with being asexual bi-romantic. It’s no use denying I’ve developed feelings for guys in the past. It’s just that these days, as I’ve explained to some of my friends, I find it hard to be attracted to anyone and thus, I find it hard to find anyone at all.

I want you to know I probably am not sure if I like you or not. Don’t take that badly, you should know I’m not surefooted and it would really help if you talk to me for hours on end so you and I both could know more. I may or may not have had a psychologist see me when you read this but I suspect I have general anxiety disorder.

I honestly don’t know why I said this. I’m not a wishy-washy person, but I do believe in change and I guess some things about me have inevitably changed over the years. I don’t talk as vaguely as this, and I’ve learned to assert that having emotions is taking back power for myself after being abused for it. I still have anxiety, and I have not seen anyone for it, for a multitude of reasons. I should probably still work on this.

But you can always go back to this post if I’m feeling introverted and shut myself up. If that happens, please bear with me, I have probably wanted to tell you off but couldn’t and now all the social interaction has drained me and so I act like I’m mad, aloof etc but I just need space. I need a lot of space if you want this relationship to work. Never fret, my love for you is true. It’s just weird, the way I am weird.

I have stopped taking it seriously that I’m weird, just overly politically correct sometimes and I’m still under the strain of the balancing act between my relationships and correcting offensive behaviour and microagression. I’m no longer as insecure as I was and I have surrounded myself with people who know that I will discuss this, and will call them out if it is needed. It’s also not that I’ve become more extroverted these days, in fact I feel like I’ve drawn into myself more, especially these days when I’m introspecting, but it is part of the balancing act.

I’m very old fashioned. Get married in a church old-fashioned. Sorry if you’re a girl, I can be happy with anywhere else if that happens because you matter more. But deep inside, I want to build a revolutionary relationship with you. With your consent I would like to get married in the mountains. I’m fine with and without labels, just don’t fuck with my feelings because I will bolt I swear. Sometimes I will say I would like an open relationship and that I don’t believe in marriage because I can’t bear to think about growing old and I don’t think I can hold on to a relationship for long. That is also true but out of the cynic in me, the former premise is truer. Always progressive, I’d like to think. Please read Marx’ On The Origin of the Family. (I’m serious about recommended readings)

I’ve been inactive in the last years about taking action for my principles and it’s a very long discussion to have. I feel that I’m not as old-fashioned as I thought I was but simply just that I’m a romantic. I like constant gestures of love, simple or complex, big or small. I would prefer clear-cut and simple ways to be with someone, but as it stands, I simply want to be with someone.

I will say I don’t want children because I am afraid of childbirth. I will say that we should just adopt. Or not have children at all.

I’m still very afraid, and maybe it’s because I’m alone. I have a lot of burdens, mostly familial ties and such. And I think this is much more of a greater concern than what I have previously blabbed about three years earlier.

I am still learning to increase my self-esteem, to recognize my self-worth. Three years ago, I was thinking about the things I wanted, the things I felt like I was deprived of and feel like I was entitled to. It had been naïve at best, desperate at worst. But these days I feel like I was going about it the wrong way, no one except myself can maintain my own level of happiness and contentment. I know now that being loved by someone doesn’t necessarily make things better for you, that there are different types of love, and that it was not what I needed back then. A romantic relationship is also not what I need now, and that is all right. This does not mean, I will love any less fiercer, maybe tomorrow, maybe in the distant future.

All the little things

Anyway.

If you and I are together, you probably know how much I talk by now. And probably how much I don’t want to talk at all sometimes, so I write.

If you found this out by me telling you, fine, congrats. If you found this by yourself thank you for your earnestness, my love. I never thought anyone would bother to stalk me this far, so you must care. Either way, thank you.

I can’t even explain why I have this, but technology! look at all the stupid things I can do with it to soothe my loneliness! I decide to write this in case I forget all the things I want at this age, where I started, how I felt. I may have changed by the time you read this, and appropriately applying to you besides. (that sentence may not add up.)

On the occasion of birthdays and celebrations, I don’t give a fuck about monthsaries and stuff like that. I like to remember dates and I’m very nostalgic but I’m not sentimental so gifts aren’t necessary. BUT, I am very touchy about birthdays. I will bake you a cake if I can and smother you because I love you. Did you know at the time I was writing this, there was only one person who gave me gifts on my birthday occasionally since I was 7 years old, and when I met her I was already 15? I feel very sad on my birthday because I feel like I’m not appreciated as a person enough. I want surprise parties and gifts on this occasion to make up for really bad company growing up. I will never say these things out loud, just writing it down makes me sob. I’m not even exaggerating.

After this I want to write down things about the future, gory and boring details that you may not want to read now, but at least I have explained some peculiarities that you may want to know about at any stage in a relationship at all.

Keep reading

1 note · View note

thecheeseballblog · 5 years ago

Photo

91K notes · View notes

thecheeseballblog · 5 years ago

Photo

I tried to explain to my best friends once that your true love can be platonic, only for tc to tell me that, if that were the case, then every relationship is just basically a friendship.

That was years ago, when I didn’t realize that I was an asexual. Recently, I’ve been wondering if I was in love, or did I really only love my friends so much, and if down the road, all I’ll ever have is platonic love. I’ve been reading and looking for information about whether or not how I feel is valid, that because I have no craving for passion, the only love I can experience will be platonic and my relationships will all follow accordingly.

According to Sternberg’s theory, you can also experience 7 different types of love, determined by whether or not you feel passion, intimacy, or commitment towards a person. Having only one of these, you can be infatuated, you like them, or you have empty love. Combining two, which I think comes more often, will give you romantic, companionate, or fatuous love. And having all three is consummate love.

Thinking about this, I don’t think there should be a hierarchy to love. As someone who experiences little to no sexual or physical attraction towards anyone, would my love be less than someone who does? Can’t I enter into a relationship, that would function as romantic, given these circumstances?

I once questioned whether or not I was in love with Lhy at a time when I felt like giving my everything to her. There was a time I wanted to find work so badly so I can support her art and her studies, a time that I was so in tune to her feelings that I felt my own heart breaking every time hers did. Ignoring the fact that this devotion turned unfortunately into an empty love, I felt that at one point, she could have been my greatest love. In this case, I have experienced almost every part of the cycle of falling in love and breaking up, except those involving intimacy. What separates this then from me having a romantic relationship with someone, if inevitably, I may never be supply the physical intimacy that I foresee they expect out of it?

There are several popular terms for love in Greek and Latin and they have been fashioned into a cool color theory of love by a canadian psychologist. It basically classifies these words into primary, secondary, and tertiary “loves.”

The last time I thought about eros, was years ago in CL class, we were watching “The Lover” (why is my thesis following me everywhere?) in class and there was a scene where the girl comes into the bachelor room with her lover, and they couldn’t even make it to the bed. I remember thinking, “I wish someone was that attracted to me that they won’t be able to control themselves to that extent.” In retrospect, I watched this movie again yesterday (for thesis) and I just started laughing, but I digress.

Ludus is when love is a game, in every sense, flirtatious and adventure seeking. I don’t know anything about this except I tend to get hurt a lot lol.

Storge is probably the only love I can explain and delve deep into. In the wiki page for this, Lee states the following traits:

Is not looking for love but is ready if encountered Quietly possessive but not overly jealous Believes love comes from friendship but not a goal of life Only has sexual desires after commitment is declared

It is friendly love, it is in itself complete in the intimacy, commitment, and passion. It’s what I realized lately about how I feel about most everyone I love in my life. Having learned recently that I actually do like affection, and that the only things holding me back from expressing affection and love, was a very strict sense of what was romantic and platonic, my own insecurities and uncertainties, and a lack of understanding about gender roles.

The secondary loves are mania, pragma, and agape.

Mania makes me remember P, when all I thought about was needing him, a sense of possession, obsession, and of worthlessness without him. I am not very proud of this time.

I always replay situations in my head, about reciprocation, and realizing that I would carry being such a pragmatic person into a relationship, going about things in a businesslike manner, planning my future with them, forging what seems to be a contract with the statement, “If the time comes when you no longer love me, I would like to know and I can send you on your way.” As a carer and a provider, it seems pretty clear what pragma is.

Agape I feel, seems to just be another word for altruism, the “purest form of love.” I think about it during acts of service, every time I cry while watching the news, every time I remember how much I wanted to hike up the mountains for the revolution.

The tertiary loves I think, are just a description of the relationship you wish to have, combined with your love languages as I just described.

All this to say, that it seems that there are many different definitions and they are all definitely worth knowing. Ultimately, it brings great insecurity and fear to me that my love will be seen as lesser, or will not be accepted because of who I am. At the end of the day, I think that focusing on love, as a verb and not as a noun counts more. I will try to love and focus on loving, regardless of the value some people perceive it to have.

7 notes · View notes

thecheeseballblog · 5 years ago

Audio

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4UPmC7zAbo9gr4RDlCYtnX?si=_e_65YmSRP_oRwTNdmMLnw)

Hello my love

It’s been a wild week. I hope you’re happier these days. I won’t see you for at least 2 more weeks. I apologise for writing again when I should be doing my thesis, or maybe focusing on other things. I’ve been listening to these songs and some day, I hope to tell you, like I said.

How do you do it, how do you make me feel so loved? I’ve been trying to find the flaws, the cracks that would dissuade me from you, but I cannot find any that will justify, that will plug the feelings and keep them from amplifying in the echo chamber that is my head.

Every day is easier, only because it’s you. It wasn’t this easy for me to nurse heartbreak before.

#nursing heartbreak

0 notes

thecheeseballblog · 5 years ago

Text

to my greatest love

Hello my love,

#heartbreak

3 notes · View notes

thecheeseballblog · 7 years ago

Text

2 janvier 2018

I'm so lonely.

0 notes

thecheeseballblog · 7 years ago

Text

30 décembre 2017

We don’t have spring where I live.

I won’t know how to describe blooming fields or growth from the cold nothingness that is winter. I don’t know what it’s like to suffer the harsh nights dreaming about impending and inevitable rebirth.

I only know waiting for the unknown. I only know not knowing what’s next.

I hope you’re near. I hope I meet you soon.

0 notes

thecheeseballblog · 8 years ago

Text

So someone reminded me this still exists

Yeah. This is p embarrassing but it’s fine. I trust u person who found it. sorry for accidentally showing u this side of me. nako sobrang emo and shit. and also sobrang self-indulgent. pray to god it stays here and doesn’t spill into our conversations

0 notes

thecheeseballblog · 9 years ago

Text

All the little things

Anyway.

If you and I are together, you probably know how much I talk by now. And probably how much I don’t want to talk at all sometimes, so I write.

I’ve always wanted to marry young and reach a golden anniversary. Or maybe not marry, just find love really early that will last me a lifetime. That scare you yet? I told you don’t read this if you aren’t ready! Go back! I will not take it against you.

I feel really ugly and have low self esteem. That’s very easy to take advantage of and I try to fight it by being someone you can’t make fun of that easily. I’m sorry if I scared you when we first met or if I seem like a really serious person. I am, but I’m a big doofus too. Like, I easily get jealous--of friends, of pretty girls around you, of you being more successful etc. I will hide ALL OF IT but I will never let it get in the way. I will tell you if I’m upset but that may take a while and you may have to ask. I promise to be gracious always.

We’re together so I’m apologizing right now for stalking you in the past on all your social media platforms and probably in real life if I example, went out of my way to stay with you on the pretense of going somewhere else. ie once I went to Manila from Quezon City to stay with this one crush when in all honesty I was to go home to Mandaluyong. But I just really like walking and talking until I really have to leave na, that’s not weird in my eyes. I’m very manipulative sometimes is what I’m saying. I know how to get your attention, ie curated facebook posts and statuses that I might never have posted but because I liked you I took it to myself to like it and talk about it as well. Once, I went to a Star Wars screening to follow L because I had a crush on him and brought along Tc and paid for tickets when I was virtually broke! I like Star Trek over Star Wars. If this is a deal breaker I’m sorry, you’ve come this far! You can’t leave me now!!! I will try to not be manipulative and be just more supportive and interested and participative in your interests. I may have already started.

I will say I don’t want children because I am afraid of childbirth. I will say that we should just adopt. Or not have children at all. But there is this side of me, probably due to evolution, that says I want to have fraternal twins. One will be Hiraya Juliet and the other would be Robin Agui. (Hiraya means vision and Agui means god of Fire. Robin and Juliet is an indulgence from the Bee Gees) I want to home school them and be a stay at home mom, meaning, will ironically give up my job if it’s too much and give the world to them. It would be very costly to get me to want pregnancy. I mean, I want to home school them!!! I will hire people to teach them Latin, Spanish, German, Mandarin, Bisaya, Ilocano, Music, Ballet, Sports Advanced Math and Science as they grow older. No negotiations. I will teach them history, culture, and literature. I will teach them to write with both hands. I will teach them life hacks like doing taxes and job interviews. i will probably send them to daycare, had ferberized them, mix them with other kids in sports workshops and shit. i want them to choose their own religion when they’re old enough, that would include that they can choose not to choose.

I want a really small yet lavish wedding. like, 30 people tops. But I have visions of a red wedding gown with gold like a communist flag and it will ironically cost a lot of money. I’m sorry, because I didn’t have a debut and i have suckish birthdays and this might be my last chance to feel like a princess. lol i will never admit that out loud. And afterwards, manunmpa tayo sa pulang dambana. I hope I don’t make the wrong decision or already made the wrong decision to leave the mass movement by the time I’m ready to do this with you.

Lol now do you still want to be with me? Tell me the answer after you read. I’m flexible probably because all these are just bourgeois wants to satisfy my broken childhood.

1 note · View note