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[thebunionpaper]

President Brown Confirms He Is Just Two Small Children in Trench Coat

By Nora Panahi (COM ‘19)

Boston University students and faculty were shocked this morning upon receiving a startling confession from President Brown: he has been just two small children in a trench coat this whole time.

Brown’s annual fall email to the BU community has typically been a welcome-back letter full of niceties and information about tuition increases, but this year’s email was different. This year he—sorry, they—finally came clean:

“Dear Colleagues,” the email says, “I am writing, as I do each fall, to update you on important topics for the Boston University community. Namely, the fact that this whole time, when you thought I was just a singular human man, I have in fact been two small children stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.”

After the email went out, The Bunion was invited to the president’s office for an exclusive interview.

“We didn’t think anybody would read the email,” says the Top Boy, whose name is Billy. “Nobody ever does. But I guess the cat’s out of the bag now.”

“There is no President Brown,” says the Bottom Boy, who refused to tell The Bunion his real name. “There has never been and there never will be a President Brown.”

The boys then demonstrated how they went about ‘becoming’ Brown: Billy put on a men’s trench coat and Bottom Boy lifted him up onto his shoulders. Billy then closed the trench coat and pulled a fake mustache out of his pocket.

“We never thought this would go on for so long,” admits the newly formed President Brown. “We only did it to get into an R-rated movie but then someone mistook us for the president of a university.”

“Next year,” says a voice from inside the trench coat, “we’re going to tell everyone that Dean Elmore is just a plank of wood with a face drawn on it.”

[thebunionpaper]

Brave: STEM Major Writes First Ever 500 Word Essay

By Emmie Phillips (COM ‘22)

CAS THINK TANK—In a noble act of bravery, sources report that chemistry major Steven Smith (CAS ‘22) was sitting in the College of Arts and Sciences Think Tank for a full eight hours this past Saturday working on his first ever 500 word essay.

“It’s a lot harder than you’d think,” Steven Smith (CAS ‘22) told The Bunion as he typed his 100th word of the day—his goal before taking a well deserved break. “I didn’t think I could do it. But I’ve made some really great progress so far!”

His roommate (who has chosen to remain anonymous) expressed to our reporters that they weren’t even sure Smith knew 500 words, describing him as “more of a numbers guy.”

We reached out to some of Smith’s fellow classmates, who also appeared to be struggling with the assignment to write a personal free response to the question: ‘What is important to you?’

“It’s stupid that we have to write this stupid paper in the first place,” Evan Brick (ENG ‘22) complained. “It’s all because of this stupid Hub. What the hell does ‘Aesthetic Exploration’ even mean?”

Bunion reporters worked diligently to find an answer to Brick’s question, but alas, it seems no one truly understands the Hub.

At press time, Smith’s essay remained incomplete.

[thebunionpaper]

Following Success of Music, Warren Dining to Try Serving Good Food

By Ethan Brown (COM/CAS ‘21) and Serra Tekce (SAR ‘21)

WARREN DINING—In their effort to become the most popular dining hall, Warren Dining will capitalize on the monumental success of blaring random songs no one’s listened to in five years with a new tactic: serving food that is actually FDA-approved.

“When I first walked into the dining hall and heard they were playing music, I got so excited,” said Lou Z. Müzik (SHA ‘22). “Now that they’re serving actual food, I plan on going to Warren for every meal!”

After their third time playing Kelly Clarkson’s Since U Been Gone, sources confirm that the entrance line was triple that of Lobster Night’s, reaching all the way back to the C Tower stairwell and up to the seventh floor. Students now eagerly anticipate listening to 2012 hit Gangnam Style by Psy while eating orange chicken stir-fry that actually contains chicken.

“Three billion views on YouTube was nothing compared to the news that three hundred students will hear Gangnam Style while eating their carne asada that can really be digested,” said Psy in an exclusive interview. “Now that Warren is playing my music and serving edible food, I’m considering coming back for my Master’s.”

Psy was briefly enrolled in Questrom in 1996 before transferring to Berklee, for the very reason that Berklee had superior dining halls.

“Mom, I’m famous again!” Psy added.

At press time, Warren’s lines had gotten so long that they had to hire Dean Elmore as a bouncer.

[thebunionpaper]

Meet The Student Who Asked To Go To The Bathroom In College

By Frank Hernandez (COM ‘20)

“I’m currently enrolled in a philosophy class,” said Matt, in his exclusive One-on-One interview with The Bunion. “The professor proposed a paradox for us to discuss: what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force? The students in class pointed out how an unstoppable force can’t really exist if there’s an immovable object, and vice versa. They said it’s a flawed paradox, a false dilemma, an impossible situation. They were all wrong. I’ve lived this paradox myself and I’ve survived to tell the tale. The immovable object? My professor. The unstoppable force? My unshakable urge to pee.”

At first glance, Matt Campbell (CAS ‘22) seems like your typical freshman, but underneath that thin facade lies a man who has gone to hell and back. I sat down with Matt, the student who infamously asked if he could go to the bathroom in college, to write down his harrowing tale.

That fateful day started out like any other. Matt woke up, had breakfast, and went to his first class. A typical day. But the day took a dark turn when, in between his first and second classes, Matt stopped to fill his sustainability@BU-issued water bottle. “This silver bottle is a curse...” said Matt, clutching said bottle in his hands. His hands were shaking. His face was sullen. “I don’t know what it is but ever since they gave me this wretched flask, I can’t stop drinking from it...” His eyes watered as he began to chug the whole thing. Matt’s unquenchable thirst had made him a slave to the bathroom. Usually the urge to pee would hit him right when class was about to end, but this time, it hit him right as class was about to begin. And it hit him hard.

“The pain was intolerable,” recalled Matt. “To make matters worse, my professor entered into a 5 minute tangent about his trip to Niagara Falls. He described the cascades with such a vivid detail… Their torrential force… Their unstoppable currents...”

At that moment, Matt collapsed. His face trembled, tears ran down his cheek. The water bottle still hung from the tip of his fingers. The once hopeful freshman had turned into a mess of emotions. “I couldn’t keep it in any longer! I just couldn’t! I raised my hand as the professor was wrapping up his Niagara Falls story and with the very last bit of my power I cried out: ‘Teacher, may I please go to the bathroom?’” As soon as Matt asked his question, the whole room fell silent. If looks could kill, poor Matt would have been dead a million times over. Just like the paradox of the immovable object and the unstoppable force, Matt and the professor waged a war of attrition where both parties did not know how to proceed: the professor not sure how to respond, Matt not knowing that in college when you need to use the bathroom you just stand up and go.

“That’s when I realized,” said Matt with a quivering voice. “There’s only one option when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force.” Matt rose from the floor, but kept his head down. “One of them has to yield.”

When Mother Nature calls, one has to answer. Unfortunately for Matt, Mother Nature couldn't wait any longer. As Matt’s pants got warm, his heart grew colder. Boston failed Matt. Matt failed himself.

“Sure, I survived to tell my story… But the scars are there. I won’t ever be the same. I miss my home, I miss my family, I miss my dignity...”

Matt excused himself to use the bathroom. Or at least that’s what he told me when he left our interview. I haven’t seen Matt in a while, but I hope he’s doing alright. I hope he knows that in a world as dark and bleak as this one, we need people like him: survivors brave enough to share their stories so that people like us can learn from them.

For some Matt Campbell might be a loser but to me, he’s a hero.

[thebunionpaper]

Left-Handed Student Knows What Discrimination Feels Like

By Maddy Schmidt (COM ‘21)

CFA STUDIO—In a recent conversation with his only POC friend, “lefty” Martin White (CFA ‘21) empathized with his friend’s fight against discrimination, assuring her that he knows “what it’s like to grow up in a world where it is harder for him to succeed.”

White claims he has been held back all his life due to systemic discrimination that he refers to as “Right Privilege,” or the preference given to right-handed people in every aspect of society.

“Ever used a scissor? That’s right privilege. Ever sat at a lecture hall desk? Right privilege,” said White. “It’s exactly like when they had separate water fountains in the 60s. Where’s our civil disobedience?”

White also cited right privilege’s sinister past: “Teachers used to beat left-handed people until they became right-handed,” said White. “That’s like, exactly what plantation owners did to their slaves. So, I get it.”

When asked whether he really thinks being left-handed compares to the plight of POC, whose voices have been suppressed and discredited, and whose opportunities have been limited by a cycle of systemic oppression, White’s answer was simple.

“Their stories do get silenced, and I know how it feels. Mine literally gets smudged when I try to write it out.”

At press time, White announced that he will be hosting a “Coffee and Conversation” event at the Howard Thurman Center to organize a “Civil Lefts Movement.”

[thebunionpaper]

Meet the Only Resident of Warren Towers’ Third Floor

By Tim Choi (COM ‘22)

WARREN TOWERS—Boston University was pleased to announce that 2018 has yielded the largest freshman class in its history. Due to the increased class size, however, BU has exceeded the maximum number of housing slots by one student. That one student is Paul Kowalski, who was placed on the third floor of Warren Towers. We reached out to him for comment.

"They told me they opened up extra accommodation for me," said Kowalski, who sat cross legged on a mattress in the parking garage of Warren Towers. He was surrounded by several plastic bins full of clothes, toiletries, and various electronics. He claimed to have had a box of snacks as well, but a pack of rats coordinated and had somehow stolen it while he was sleeping. "The administration assured me they had renovated some unused space to make more room for me."

Seemingly the only renovation made was a single toilet in the janitor's closet, which BU's administration claimed made the space "technically livable, so you can't sue us." When we attempted to press them on further ethical concerns surrounding the housing, the lady on the phone began playing "Play That Funky Song" by Alvin and the Chipmunks on repeat until we gave up and left. Currently, Kowalski is attempting to organize a march against unethical housing. Unfortunately, the march is failing to gain much traction because Kowalski is the only student with this problem.

[thebunionpaper]

BU to Build 17-Floor Jenga Tower

By Frank Hernandez (COM ‘20)

BU DATA SCIENCE CENTER—Jenga is the hottest game in the country, and on October 1, BU President Robert A. Brown announced that the university intends on finally giving the classic family board game a homebase by building a 17-floor Jenga tower on Commonwealth Avenue.

“Jenga has been a staple of game nights for families all around the globe, and with this new building we’ll make sure it stays that way,” said Brown. “With this building, Boston University will cement itself as the premier institution for block stacking.”

The proposed project would make Boston University the only university in the world to have a tower made out of interchangeable wooden blocks that, with enough messing around, could put the whole integrity of the building in danger.

At press time, Brown was seen by Bunion reporters mastering the delicate craft of Jenga stacking. Brown declined to comment on why the money to make the Data Science Center isn’t being used to renovate and fix already established buildings.

[thebunionpaper]

Revolutionary: Northeastern Unveils Brand New Hub For Fall 2019

By Ethan Brown (COM/CAS ‘21)

Wow! In a stroke of original genius, Northeastern University invented a brand new form of education called “The Northeastern Hub,” which is set to take effect in Fall 2019. Northeastern’s innovative new model, which sorts general education requirements by life skills rather than academic disciplines, has completely transformed the landscape of college education in a way that no other university in history has matched.

“This is absolutely amazing!” recounted Kopp E. Katt, a Northeastern junior. “I am so lucky to attend a university with such inventive strategies for education. First, we pioneer the radical idea of having a dog as our mascot—Paws the Husky—then we devise an annual lobster night, and now this! The new freshmen who get to join the Northeastern Hub are really in for a one-of-a-kind experience.”

Northeastern’s deans and faculty are equally pleased with the new program. Northeastern just revamped their website, creating an entire section on the Northeastern Hub. Words such as “unique,” “sweeping,” “fresh,” and “unprecedented” stand out from the screen in red—Northeastern’s completely original school color.

What’s next for Northeastern? Their latest strategic plan entitled “NUBold” has concocted a set of groundbreaking goals such as naming a building after Rajen Kilachand, buying Berklee and forming the Berklee College of Music and Human Development, and even hiring a new university president named Ronert Nrown.

Way to go, Northeastern! We can’t wait to see what the future has in store!

[thebunionpaper]

BU Gmail Adds “DO NOT RAPE ANYBODY” to Every Student’s Google Calendar

By Nora Panahi (COM ’19)

In a move that expert calendar-keeper and Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh would call “Yale-level smart,” Boston University led the charge against campus sexual assault this week by adding the event “DO NOT RAPE ANYBODY” to every student’s daily Google Calendar.

The university’s administration partnered with the Sexual Assault Response & Prevention organization, commonly known as SARP, to introduce this calendar campaign in an attempt to decrease sexual assault on BU campus.

“We’re very proud of the calendar idea,” says SARP member Louise Johnson (CGS ’20). “I can’t believe we didn’t think of it earlier.” According to Johnson, SARP had been working with BU administration for months on a comprehensive assault prevention and awareness course that entering freshmen would be required to take.

“But then we heard about Kavanaugh’s calendar thing and realized if students just got a daily reminder not to rape anybody, they probably wouldn’t. It’ll reach way more people than a course and cost us a lot less money, too.”

The Bunion took to the streets on Friday to see the new calendar’s message in action.

“Thank God for this calendar,” says sophomore Brett Clark (ENG ’21). “I woke up this morning without any plans for tonight, then BAM! My calendar says I shouldn’t rape anybody today. Who knows what I would’ve done without that reminder!”

“It’s a good thing this came out when it did,” says Film and Television major Brett Thompson (COM ’19). “This is calendarial proof that I haven’t been doing any raping recently. Now I can get those charges against me dropped!”

[thebunionpaper]

5 Songs To Play on the GSU Piano That’ll Get You Laid

By Kai Hellberg (COM ‘20)

For some people, hooking up on campus can be a daunting endeavor. Maybe you don’t like to go out to parties, or you just don’t have any good photos to use on Tinder. If that’s the case, the Bunion has good news for you. The piano in the GSU is beckoning for you to play it, and if you can play it well, you’re guaranteed drown in an endless sea of sex. Here’s a list of the pieces we recommend:

1. “Say Something” – A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera

What’s the difference between using a song to communicate relationship sorrow and using a song for sex? We don’t know! Play this one and your date will drag you to their dorm.

2. “City of Stars” from La La Land

This one’s actually quite simple. All you have to learn is the left hand part of this song, because your partner will just sing the melody on their own. And if they don’t, they’re clearly an uncultured swine and you should never see them again.

3. “All Mine” – Kanye West

Playing both hands of this intricate piece will prove to your date that you can “focus on two things at once.” And in all honesty, this one isn’t too difficult to learn. Just improvise the bass line with some easy octaves. Practice this piece often, because if you play it well enough, your date might “let you hit it raw, like fuck the outcome,” as Kanye says.

4. Chopin’s Ballade No. 1 in G minor

Yeah, we know this is literally one of the most difficult pieces in the history of piano literature, and its complexities weren’t designed for the GSU piano’s upright design which has an inferior counterweight system to a grand piano. And yes, we know that Władysław Szpilman played this piece in Nazi-occupied poland thinking a German officer would kill him once he finished it, so any attempt to play this in the hopes of ephemeral sexual pleasure would be a middle finger to the legacy of one of the most legendary pianists ever.

But hey, some person from Mugar put the sheet music to this piece on the piano, so fuck it. It’s what Chopin would have wanted.

5. Africa – Toto

This one speaks for itself.

[thebunionpaper]

Opinion: I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the President Brown Administration

By Hannah Petosa (COM ‘20)

President Brown is facing a test to his presidency unlike any faced by a modern Boston University leader.

It’s not just that the students are pissed. Or that the university is bitterly divided over Mr. Brown’s leadership. Or even that his increasing tuition prices have lead to an opposition hellbent on his downfall.

The dilemma — which he does not fully grasp — is that many of the senior officials in his own administration—dean's, secretaries, janitors—are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of his rulings and his worst decisions.

I would know. I am one of them.

To be clear, ours is not the popular resistance of the students. We want the Brown administration to succeed and think that many of his policies have already made BU safer and more prosperous.

But we believe our first duty is to this university, and the president continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of BU.

That is why many President Brown appointees have vowed to do what we can to preserve our institutions while thwarting Mr. Brown’s more misguided impulses until he is out of office.

Meetings with him veer off topic and off the rails, he takes all of the students’ money, and his impulsiveness results in half-baked, ill-informed and occasionally reckless decisions that have to be walked back.

Brown must be stopped, with the high aim of uniting through our shared values and love of this great university.

[thebunionpaper]

Following Countless Student Complaints, BU BUS to Add 20 New Stops Throughout Campus

By Lauren Kelmar (COM ‘21)

MARSH PLAZA—Due to excessive complaining from BU students, the BU BUS has implemented 20 new stops throughout campus.

Now, the average COMM AVE loop takes two and a half hours, excluding traffic delays. With stops every fifty feet, students will no longer have to worry about walking a whole block to their class.

The Bunion interviewed sophomore Trent Brockman (COM ‘21), who was incapable of walking from his dorm in Warren Towers to the COM building due to its distance. “Obviously I’m not going to go to class in COM,” Brockman said. “It’s too far.”

Now, there will be a bus that exclusively goes from Warren to COM and back.

Of course, there are cons to this new plan as well.

“It will take me one hour to get from Warren to Kenmore Square, but at least I don’t have to walk,” Brockman said.

At press time, sources reported that Boston University had entered into talks with the MBTA, hoping to add 50 more T stops to campus, as well as a potential bus route that would stop by every students dorm room.

[thebunionpaper]

Splash Email Lists Sold to Cambridge Analytica

By Frank Hernandez (COM ‘20)

NICKERSON FIELD—Sources close to The Bunion have confirmed that most, if not all, email lists from Splash 2018 containing the names, emails, BUIDs, and phone numbers of BU students have been sold to controversial political data firm Cambridge Analytica. “Of course I sold them the email list,” said Jake Masterson (CAS ‘19), eboard member of BU’s Alianza Latina. “The only thing I regret is not having more email lists to sell them.”  

“Cambridge Analytica offered us $10 in convenience points and 15% off on our next order of Domino’s,” said Peter Karplowitz (SAR ‘20), general manager of the Nutrition and Dietetics Club, “and like any self-respecting ethical human being, I said no.”

“But when, they offered us an additional 5% off Domino’s, you better know I gave them those emails in a heartbeat,” added Karplowitz. “Dude, 20% off plus the 50% off by using the TERRIER code? Bro, that’s practically free pizza.”  

“Honestly, I’m not sure why we didn’t think of selling email lists before,” said Pablo Marques (COM ‘19), eboard member of the Typewriting Club. “I guess some of us felt bad for those starry-eyed freshmen. I mean it wasn’t long ago when we were in their shoes: afraid and alone in a new place, just trying to figure out who we were; unwillingly ready to face everyday challenges and hopefully, just hopefully, make some friends along the way…” “But fuck ‘em, I’d do anything for 25 cents off my laundry.” At press time, Cambridge Analytica has yet to reveal what they intend to do with the bought data, however some BU Engineering Club recruits have reported seeing ads on Facebook for group therapy sessions.

[thebunionpaper]

5 Best Libraries For Procrastination On Campus

By Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)

Got a big paper due next class? Need a quiet spot on campus where you can stare blankly at an open textbook all night undisturbed? Never fear! BU is home to many libraries where you can chug that Venti quadruple-shot and procrastinate in peace!

1. Mugar Library

From its boxy concrete exterior to its sweeping views of the concrete buildings next to it, Mugar is the perfect spot to let your eyes go dead and fixate on the window. They say that natural light helps you stay focused, productive, and happy. Lucky for you, Mugar’s dim artificial lighting will drain you of all motivation, so you can spend that 7 hours sweating alone just like you always wanted.

2. Law Library

While some use the Cafe Lounge on the 4th floor to pore over case files and enjoy the view of the Charles River, it’s also a great spot to study your ex’s new girlfriend’s Instagram. Is she skinnier than you? Does she make him happier than you did? Would he take you back if she were to mysteriously disappear? Yes, yes, and yes! Kill her* and get away with it because this entire library of law students is dying to represent you!

3. Wheelock School of Ed Library

What could be more motivational than being surrounded by future educators who are learning to mold and stimulate young minds...while you sit shaking at a scratched up table, on your fifth adderall, your glazed bloodshot eyes fixed on the broken clock on the wall because you haven’t slept for nine days and you don’t know how long you’ve been down here. Inspiring!

4. Theology Library

Located in the basement of the building identical to CAS, this is the ideal procrastination spot. You need a place for your soul to escape through your eyes with each sip of Redbull, and the Theology students need practice saving your soul! It’s a symbiotic relationship.

5. Boston Public Library

I lied about the BPL being on campus, because I’m not sure if BU actually has 5 libraries! Anyway, the BPL is literally magical. Want to see its best trick? Get out your books, open your laptop, and bam! The library is closing.

*Editor’s note: The Bunion does not condone murder. If you read this article and are considering murdering someone, remember, The Bunion says no.

[thebunionpaper]

Due to Prospective Student Confusion, BU Beach to be Covered in Sand

By Jeremiah Broderick (CAS ‘20)

BU ADMISSIONS—After years of orientation tours full of over-inquisitive little twerps, it was announced today that the area of grass overlooking the Charles River, known as the BU Beach, will be covered in sand. A source at the scene, BU orientation leader Corey O'Connell (COM '19), claimed incoming freshman asked such questions as "I thought you said we were going to a beach?" "Isn't this just a quad?" and "Why did I bring my water wings, then?" According to reports, the sand will be mainly comprised of ground up Wheelock desks and chairs.

[thebunionpaper]

[thebunionpaper]

10 Ways to Keep Cool During BU's Heat Advisory (Other Than AC, Which Is Not Allowed)

By Amber Born (CAS ‘21) and Ethan Brown (COM/CAS ‘21)

The City of Boston issued a heat advisory for today, and we here at The Bunion want you to stay safe and cool while you’re at BU. Follow these helpful tips to beat the heat!

1. Drink Fluids, But Not Caffeine or Alcohol

We know you don’t know any fluids that fit this description, so here are some examples: water, gatorade, milk, juice, lemonade, smoothies, slushies, and whatever horrific concoctions Sargent recommends.

2. Avoid Exercise

Unless you’re a Student Athlete™, in which case just keep it down to six hours per day. We know the grind never stops.

3. Purchase a Fan

Helpful tip: fans are allowed, but not if they’re in a window. So keep it somewhere safe, like on the floor or right next to your face.

4. BU Showers Rarely Have Hot Water, So Take Advantage

Just remember that there’s no water pressure either, so you’ll barely feel the cold water hit you. Have a towel ready for when you step out and inevitably start sweating again.

5. Pull the Fire Alarm, Then Stand Under the Sprinklers

Now that’s some water pressure! Why don’t they just replace the shower heads with those? If you don’t feel like pulling the fire alarm, don’t worry! Someone is bound to set it off in under ten minutes.

6. Take Shelter in the Shadow of an Embedded Traffic Cone

For full benefits, crouch down to the height of the traffic cone so that it blocks the sun from hitting your face.

7. Take Off Your Canada Goose

Contrary to popular belief, Canada Goose jackets actually trap heat. Take it off and opt for a cooler option, like a long sleeve T and a pair of BU sweatpants. On a related note, school spirit is great, but now is not the time to wear your Rhett costume. Wait for cooler weather.

8. Go to Questrom And Ask to Touch a Cold-Blooded Student

Just don’t let them do any slashing and burning.

9. Swim in the COM Fountain

Disclaimer: don’t. We haven’t checked, but we’re pretty sure this is frowned upon except in emergencies.

10. Heat Rises, So Try Lying Down on the Pavement Instead

There’s no way the hot air could get down that low!