theblackmage

[theblackmage]

Hey yall. It’s been a while. Nothing much has really changed honestly. Only big thing is i changed jobs. I survey now, hardware store employee to walking around peoples land all day. It suits me better. I still struggle with motivation to give a shit to be honest though. As with all jobs some times it’s hate sometimes it’s love. I’m working on it.. the most recent thing is i figured out my grandma died Tuesday morning.

Last year i crashed my mustang i was left in a panic. No money. No car. And no way to work other than burdening everyone around me. A couple weeks of it all and everyone was tired of giving me rides and honestly i hadn’t looked much at all for a new car myself. I was terrified, how am i supposed to pay for anything with no money and no credit score. Just a below average young American man struggling with no real path to choose. I love my mom, i really do, but she tried helping and just put an even bigger weight on my shoulders. She loomed over me pressuring me to fix a free junker car that was rusting to pieces. Trying to force me to sell the mustang too. It all made it so much worse.

I never have been super close to many people in my life. From a young age I’ve dealt with neglect and abuse. It’s no pity party. It’s made me a strong person now but it’s not a good thing either. I’ve watched countless people walk out of my life in many ways and everytime I’m stuck with a burning regret. Why didn’t i ever do more with them. I was in the same class as my cousin and sadly had to watch him die of cancer at 24. My older brother died at 19, i was too young to understand and maybe my mom had a hand in it but he was on my dad’s side of the family. We all know how that goes. But i had so many memories with him. They both still make me sad. But it is what it is. The older i get the more aware i am as expected. My grandma passing hurts. She’s the one that helped me out of my most recent blunder. She’s my grandma from my stepdads side so she hasn’t always been around but she was the type of grandma that made it feel like she has been. The day i bought her car from her i told her I’d take her on a ride in it and promised I’d see her more. I deeply regret that i never did. My mom even reminded me to go see her a couple weeks ago. I feel like the biggest piece of shit. But i know she would tell that it’s alright. It just doesn’t feel alright.

Her funeral is this Saturday. I’m scared. The last one I went to was my older brothers. I even skipped out on going to my cousins because i was terrified. I regret that. I don’t want to regret missing this one. But my heart hurts so deeply.

It’s just one of those hard life things. It’ll never get easier.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my bs

[theblackmage]

Just when things started getting good. Just when i was getting ready to really do something. Just when this whole life thing started actually feeling good and enjoyable. Everything flipped on my head. All of it. I have no idea what’s going on. Everyone’s telling me to handle the situation in different ways and everyone’s telling me im doing it all wrong. I need to quit being negative but I’m trying my absolute fucking hardest to do that. It’s just never enough. All the things i deal with daily. Weekly. Biweekly. Monthly. Yearly. It doesn’t stop. Back to back to back it’s problem after problem. I’m always 8 steps behind. I have nothing of value to my name. I have nothing but bad credit if any at all. I have va benefits i cant and havnt been able to claim for years regardless of needing it the entire time. I do nothing but fall in holes over and over and over again. Constantly crawling out and begging for mercy. But it just doesn’t fucking matter. It’s not enough. Everything i do is never enough for anyone. And maybe they’re all right.

[theblackmage]

Hello tumblr and tumblr people. A little update. Yet another one of my best friends decided to just dip out. Hopefully it’s not how everyone else has done it so far. Usually people just run away and disappear. It seems like it’s the only thing people know how to do. Even I’ve done it. She seemed different, more aware and open to growth, but the more i witness how she’s handling this new challenge the more it gets familiar. Will she be able to separate the pain from her ex and her best friends or will it all just be chocked up to one big and negative experience?Will this friend group just disappear too? There’s no telling now. All i can do is continue to witness. Working here for two years has been a roller coaster. Times been moving differently with the people i work with. I’ve witnessed so many different times and people and they seem to be different but the same. Obviously that can’t be true but i really thought this time would be different. I’m assuming a lot right now and i get that. But here in a couple months when i do another update..that’s all I’m sayin. Hopefully she will realize what she’s running away from before it’s too late. I’ve seen it too many times. I don’t give out second chances too often anymore, much less a third or fourth. That may even be my problem. I’m just tired of wasting my mental energy on other people. I was there for her through all her bs and gave her great advice in hers and my own opinion. Yet it’s as if she never heard a fucking thing I said. Take it from someone who knows, isolating yourself from everyone who just wants to be there for you is rarely the good option. I hope she’s able to find what she’s looking for and i really hope my friends and i weren’t just stepping stones. If you ever find this i hope it finds you in a positive way. I dont hate or judge you. I just hope you realize what you so gladly walked away from.

[theblackmage]

[theblackmage]

I’m feeling insanely confused in life right now. Idk what’s going on. I’m not in a bad rut or a good up. I’m just kinda vibin. I’m not bitching about it for sure. Just confused.

[theblackmage]

I lost my only friend on this site. I’m sorry i wasn’t there for you when you needed it. I’ve spent 2 hours of my time at work to try to find your other socials. I hope i wasn’t any part in you deactivating. I’m not changing my username anymore in high hopes that maybe you’ll come back and see this but i miss you bro. I’m sorry i wasn’t there.

[theblackmage]

I saw this and immediately thought “shit, I bet this is so satisfying to watch with the sound on”, and I was so fucking right

[theblackmage]

my last 3 brain cells watching me make a bad decision

[theblackmage]

I feel like it’s all in vein. Why do i even post on here anymore

[theblackmage]

I’ve also been figuring out some things i thought were real were in fact a lie. Big things. Things that drove me to my current life. It is just another thing to drive me further inside the made up interpretations i have of this scummy planet or this scummy time space reality we all were forced to be in.

[theblackmage]

Once again I’m in a position where i feel like I’m the one fucking life shit up when i know in my heart I’m doing right by myself (as much as im currently able to anyway). I know i could be doing more but im scared and lonely and confused. Im a lot of things. And i still constantly make bad decisions as i am still human. Sometimes i wish i was neurotypical but im also still glad i have the mental depth of understanding that i have. A lot of people see me as weird, intimidating, naive, stupid, lazy and so many other things. I just pretend that im lesser than i can be because when people see your abilities and potential they take advantage of it. It’s basic animal nature. A woman doesn’t usually go for any broke ass normie they meet. That doesn’t mean all women. In the same sense a dog doesn’t stay in your yard because it’s fun. They stay because they have shelter, food, water, and unconditional love. I have grown tired of burning myself to keep others warm. I want to be able to be happy with myself. It’s extremely difficult and i still struggle. I have so many demons in the shadows of my mind. Pretending to be normal every day gets to be a lot sometimes. Everything gets to be a lot nowadays. It scares the shit out of me. My mind twists everything into negative shit and i hate it. I dont know what to do anymore. I just live day by day now and time kind of blurs by. I just noticed a couple days ago my mom is getting old. Like physically old and i just wanted to cry. I never noticed the transition. I havnt felt true love for anyone including my family for a long time. I truly did lose myself through my fucked up walk of life. Every few years a big change comes by and a new me rises through the ashes in my mind and soul. I havnt felt like any of them have been the real me. I think i know myself but i hate myself. Im scared of what the real me is. I just want to be normal. I have a feeling I’ll never be. There is no true definition for a normal human being. I just hope i can hang in there till I truly find myself. I’m working hard at it. Some days i do still think of ending it all. I think of how the people who truly care for me would feel if I did and it’s the only thing that keeps me here. In my lostness i also lost my capacity for interpreting other people’s love for me. It makes me feel indescribably alone. Yet i still know they love me. It makes me feel sad that i cant correctly reciprocate the same love to them.

So. So conflicted. Scared. Lonely in a world full of of people. Truly yearning for a true understanding of myself and unconditional love from another human being. Sad. I dont even know what else.

I need help

[theblackmage]

I’ve been thinking about it again..

Fuck feelings

[theblackmage]

Feeling the things i feel just drags me in a deeper hole. I hate myself, my life, and pretty much everything it seems like. It makes me sad that I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish i loved myself and i wish i didnt want to kill myself. I’m trying so fucking hard to be better. It feels like everything i have and give is never enough for anyone. Everyone always asks for more. Even more so I’m not even the first choice I’m only settled on. Maybe i deserve it all. I dont know anymore

[theblackmage]

Today was the closest i have ever been to just letting go of the steering wheel. I hate that i feel that way so much. But it really was the way i felt. Fuck

[theblackmage]

I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed today.

Everything and everyone is pissing me off with every word, every sentence, every action. Every situation. I’m fucking over it. I wish i could just curl up into fetal position and disappear.

I cant.

People are asking me where i am and what’s going on with this weekend. I want to tell them to leave me the fuck alone.

I cant.

I want to quit my worthless low paying under appreciating job.

I cant

In a world full of endless possibilities i feel so fucking stuck and tied down. It makes me want to scream and freak the fuck out.

I cant

All i can do is smile and pretend I’m fine.

[theblackmage]

Leave it to me to write something, and then forget I wrote it.

We lie on our backs and yawn and this is how the exchange goes: “You should kick him in the nuts.” “He has none.” I could be talking about the cabbie I ran into earlier that day who took the shittiest route cross town, my brother, maybe Sean but probably not, but the subject of those particular conversations are of little importance and are mostly inconsequential. They don’t matter, and we agree on this between a jumble of other things and of course it’s not that it’s profound or means anything in particular, but there’s no pretense involved. There’s nothing processed or synthetic about sitting in the dark with the person you tell all your secrets to. Some things are best kept between two pairs of lips in the dark, or between streams of light dripping into the room like a broken faucet you’ve learned to live with for years. It’s human nature to rely on repetition via routines or mantras or things we convince ourselves but saying things out loud a thousand times or even doing the same things over and over don’t make them real. What’s real anyway? The truth here is anything we believe is real, is actually real. That doesn’t say much for us, does it? You sit on your mountain and carry down the stone tablets and sing them as the singular gospel for ever and ever and never, and your neighbor two hilltops over will construct his own. Bellow and wail and come to blows but just like either of you can’t stand to be wrong, you will never be right on a grander scale and that’s alright too, isn’t it? The whole wide world is big enough for all our delusions, and despite their truths they’re allowed to exist for whatever they are. My favorite teacher in school used to always tell us that an empty barrel makes the most noise. Now I was 15 with a bad haircut and a bad habit of acting too much older than I actually was. I never understood the analogy for the longest time, and so I never appreciated it then. I heard it again in my mid 20’s from a boy who blew the most perfect smoke rings and a haircut that stuck up on all but one side but a well-placed hand would obstruct the disturbance that sat above his head. We were sitting at the bar and I was wearing boots I knew I was too drunk to walk in and he was drumming his fingers against my leg. “The emptiest barrels always make the most noise.” I wondered if he’d heard it from his father, because the gist was there and I didn’t catch that I’d heard it before. Not to mention that I had never known my father to be a man who’d repeat a phrase more than a handful of times before trusting that if it was meant to stick, that it would. He and I were everything and still nothing at once, and I had always been so good at that, it’s a trick you never unlearn, how to stay afloat but still manage to fill your lungs with salt water. How you can memorize every line of someone’s palm but never really know who they are, “There’s no glory in running your fist into your face simply because you can, and there’s nothing spectacular about breaking your fingers because you like the crunching sound it makes.” He had two surgical scars on his hand and his pinky and ring finger didn’t sit quite right in his fist, and I asked him how he’d gotten them and he pulled a strand of hair that had gotten stuck in my lip gloss and said he punched a wall. He thought it was funny, trying to pit brittle bones against brick and said he’d fought with his girlfriend and gotten so mad that he just had to hit something, anything, or else he was going to lose his shit. I’m not sure what the moral to that story was. He’d gotten broken bones but lost the girl, made some comment about how my fingers were too thin, and drove me home. I asked my eldest sibling what he thought and he told me that no one’s worth crippling yourself over. I still wasn’t sure. Fast forward a decade and then some and settle into the now: going to sleep though, I know two things, I don’t want to trade broken bones and sutures, and he doesn’t need to shatter his hand in four different places to keep me closer than anyone ever has.

[theblackmage]

Been in my head a lot today. I miss the people I’ve pushed away. I wish i knew how to be a better human.