thebackstoryofartemis

[thebackstoryofartemis]

[thebackstoryofartemis]

he was a work of an angel and i was from the touch of the devil. we might be love each other but both of us know that ‘this’ are not going anywhere.

[thebackstoryofartemis]

the hell im doing rn?

what the hell am i doing rn? living at home with my family is not the place i want to be. i am stressed almost all the time. i couldnt get the words uttered by my siblings out of from my head. it was horrible and it stabbed my heart. i had no one. even singa who is my bf, is not here. i only have myself. i understand that i have to do justice for myself but apparently,,.. i didnt. i never speak up.

the mistakes they pointed was obvious and i admit it was wrong. i wasnt sad about that. i was deeply devastated because i did not do anything for myself. i didnt even fight a tiny bit. and that makes me sad. i am powerless and helpless. it is terrible.

“look at their point of view. they love you” they said.

if they love me, they would have listened to what i want. ironically, they are my ‘family’ but none of them know what i like/dislike, my style, my way, my ideas. who are they actually? i feel like living with bunch of strangers. i did make an effort to understand them but do they? everytime im around them. i dont feel like im belong there. my brain just couldnt process and decode everything they did.

they want a perfectly ordinary family. surprise? i am not part of their voyage. i sail with a different boat and i will continue sailing it my own.

[thebackstoryofartemis]

purpose

ever since i was little, my life has been ‘mostly’ planned by someone else. by that, i am never really happy and satisfied. well, my parents managed everything from the start till today. the decision for me to enter a teacher trainee institute was not by me. it was made by them. to have security and benefits. (typical)

i am very happy this week. i get to speak and talk with wolfie without feeling awkward. he reminds me to be happy and he is tired seeing me sad all the time. he also said he wants to see me in 3 years time for changes (?). those words shook me.

i realised.. i never had a purpose in life. ever. when i thought i had one. it is almost impossible to happen. mesti ada benda crashing it just like how my parents turned down my scholarship offer for marketing. i am not being pessimistic. i just dont really know what i want and who i want to be.

there are few things i know what i want. i dont want to be famous. for sure, i dont want my current life. i want a different one. the one that no one planned for it. a life where i put myself first before anything else. a life full of achievements with an empire of mine. financial freedom. that is what i want.

good things happened to wolfie. i am grateful for him. the person i love is thriving. that makes me even happier. good people like him deserves to have a good life. i wish nothing holding him back. he always know how to take care of himself.

what about me? where do i start? most importantly,,, HOW?

[thebackstoryofartemis]

We went on

i went on 2019 with singa. so far so good. im holding quite good. i can say that 2019 was a healing year for me. singa kept me in safety everyday cs that is just who he is. i trying to not really fall 100% in love bcs i always know it will end up catastrophe. so, i went on. 

im not gna tell you what i did with singa along the year. we went through a lot. im still learning who he is. he is learning mine. im glad he is not the type of person who will lash out in anger if he is angry. thank god for that. but deep inside my heart, i am trying so hard to be emotionally connected to him. im searching the warmth and comfort that my heart longed for. 

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wolfie also went on. both of us pretended like nothing happened in the past year. i will always respect his circle no matter what. stalking him? always. talking to him? never. he is still my eye-candy. the person that makes me motivated to get up early, dress up nicely and went to class everyday. 

i wonder how he felt about me?

[thebackstoryofartemis]

Always hoping for the best

nothing with me and wolfie in 2019. i guess that’s the end of it. nak tak nak i have to digest. it was the same year i have found Singa. me and Singa was mutuals during high school but we are not close at all. we never talked or have any interactions in real life or social medias. one day, i saw him tweeted a word that is very similar to my phone wallpaper. i dm-ed him the wallpaper telling him its a coincidence. he seems pretty heartbroken-ed... not pretty sure why.

turned out he got played by his own crush. his crush ended up with his best friend. what made him even more fucked up, this whole he has been telling his best friend that he wanna make a move to that girl. little did he know, his friend is secretly falling in love. 

we hung out as friends not more. yeah it was nice but i didnt have the idea of having any relationship with him. i dont even know him and i was damn traumatized of all the shits that happened in 2018. obviously im not ready for anything. after the first meet up, he started to get feelings for me i guess. few weeks after that singa just being straighforward. i didnt said yes bcs i am not looking for a new relationship. he said he can wait. so, okay. i let him wait. i dont hate him but i couldnt erase the horrible thing for 2018. 

few months passed by, we are still friends. he asked me if im ready? well i dont know to be exact. im still in love with wolfie but he went. i want to wait for wolfie to come back as soon as possible but i have the feelings he wont. so, i said yes to singa. he was a good man, he protected me all the time. he wasnt that bad. lets just give it a try?

[thebackstoryofartemis]

Nights of Fright

it was the first date with wolfie. this was few weeks before i was raped. the date was totally one of my favourite night ever. i never went to a amusement park date, so it was the first time and im glad it was with him. we really enjoyed the night (at least i am). everything was just so beautiful. he is beautiful. the whole night was well spent.

that was also the first time we held hands. 

the night we first kissed.

the night we had our first photo together

the place was flooded with scary creatures but with him...

everything just feel calm and still. 

the happiest night = the saddest night. the moment we left the grab, the cinderella magic just vanished in a blink of an eye. he had to do what he had to do and im okay with it. its impossible to hate him. i never want to hate him.

[thebackstoryofartemis]

silent screams of fear

2018 was a nightmare. never have i ever thought it would be something that would leave a permanent scar. i was so naive and stupid also blind. i thought i know how relationship works. its all turned into a downfall. I was raped and abused. 

it was around the end of October 2018. i was having a huge fight with my ex. few weeks before that we had a pool party for his birthday. few series of fights, he threatened to leaked my pictures to public (which he already done). he forced me to meet him in Mentari if i wish to make it disappear. The time was 10:07pm and the next day is the first day of exam. i took a grab and went straight to the venue. 

i waited at mcdonalds. alone and terrified. the next thing i knew, he grabbed my arms and dragged me to a small motel across the street. he took my money and book a room. the receptionist saw me. yet there is no reaction. maybe it is something that he used to see everyday at the job (?). i was a virgin that time. no way im giving it away to that monster. 

he forced me to do horrible things without my consent. i had no choice but to scream and cry. he forced me to do all shit and stuff with his genitals it was horrible. i couldnt breathe cs of the constant tears. i did fight back the whole time. i tried to run away but “if you go, i wont delete it”. he left me with no choice but to give it away. 

suddenly my phone rang. i told Wolfie if im not back at 10:50pm please call me. well wolfie did call me. bcs of that, it shifted the monster’s attention. i got the time to run and wash myself. i ran to the lobby and quickly ordered a grab. wolfie called again. the monster saw his name on my phone this time. he was about to do something to me BUT LUCKILY MY GRAB HAS ARRIVED. i freakin run my ass off and get the hell out of the place. 

i got back home feeling dirty and disgusted with myself... i was lost. took a shower and studied the whole night. 

i went to the exam hall on the next day and pretend nothing happened.

[thebackstoryofartemis]

The boy who cried wolf p.1

during the first year of my pre-u programme i met someone. got a big fat crush on him. a senior from undergraduate. let’s just call him Wolfie shall we? his appearance caught my eyes. he is tall dark and handsome. something with his face that gave me a calming effect. hell yeah i like him a lot! unfortunately, he got a girlfriend. shes chinese, cute, tiny and very low-profile girl. based on what i see, he likes someone who is low-key and not loud(?). on the other side IS ME. i am not introvert, i am not small, i am not a chinese (although my face is like one) and im loud. total opposite. i really like looking at him at campus. wolfie is like an eye-candy. everyday he is neat. his hair is well done, wangi, baju siap gosok. DONT GET ME START WHEN HE WEARS A SUIT PHEWW HOT!

so the crush phase went on about 4 months. until one day, he went bballing at court. that was our first interaction ever. fireworks in my brain!  he asked me where do i came from and stuff. literally that was just 5-6 lines of dialogues BUT STILL it was a huge deal for me. the moment i reached my room, i couldnt contain the happiness. i just had to shout. “I WANT TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!” <- something like this. i gained the courage to text him during a deepavali event in our college. THAT MOMENT WAS THE START OF MY SIMP JOURNEY. IT WAS THE DUMBEST THING EVER AND YES IT WAS EMBARASSING. one thing led to another, the next thing i know. i confessed. that’s how everything started.

[thebackstoryofartemis]

hello?

hai. this is very awkward. i dont usually write stuff but i think quarantine changed me a lot. need a space to spill everything. things that remain unspoken for some reasons. Hopefully i will keep on updating my life here. SO HERE GOES NOTHING!