thebabblingcrow

[thebabblingcrow]

Just blew blood out of my nose but it was just one blob so I'm just gonna pretend I'm not freaking out and try to sleep

[thebabblingcrow]

I wanna blow up

[thebabblingcrow]

I wish there weren't consequences to the actions I wanna take smh my head

Anyways there's a weird little line of what looks like busted blood vessels on my left forearm near the crook of my elbow and I keep staring at it thinking it's something terrible when really I probably just Did Something to irritate the area

[thebabblingcrow]

maaaaaan I can still barely talk

[thebabblingcrow]

After 4 hours of being completely nv I finally spoke and it was just to make a weird noise at my husband lol

[thebabblingcrow]

I wanna pick the bones outta my meat and then break said bones and suck the marrow out

[thebabblingcrow]

Balancing bugging people and giving them space bc I can never tell when I'm too much or too little. That plus I still have an issue with projecting my worries onto others eghhhh

[thebabblingcrow]

big vent incoming bc i h8 my mom, cw for heavy content in general

I will forever be a little pissed off that my dad, after he took me to see Wicked, said that Elphaba reminded him of my mom. My shit ass abusive manipulative mom who has deadass screamed "I hate you" to him in some of the worst fights I had to semi-witness growing up. Idc if we saw the show like 5 or 6 years ago, I woke up today still angry. Elphaba is NOT like that bitch. My mom is nothing like her, she's just a whiny cunt who only feels bad for the abuse she put me through bc she's a fucking dying senior who has done nothing to better herself in her whole mf life. She didn't fight for shit, she's just 55 or whatever and bitter and depressed. And she'd still call me a retard if she got into another fight with me. She'd still think I have "MPD" and then ditch the conversation because she's too fucking pussy to fight with her kid when it finally has the chance to fight back. You're a fucking coward and it's all you'll ever be, you selfish fucking pig. You aren't sorry for what you did, you just want to feel good before you fucking finally die. You'd do it all again because you NEVER fucking learned a damn thing. Like, bitch, you literally laughed about admitting you hit me out of anger growing up. You just wanted to hit me. And when you get "impassioned" and start screaming at me again you just "justify" it by boo-hooing about the trauma you went through. I hate a fucking bitchy old windbag who tries to justify the trauma she is and has been causing for over 2 decades is because her daddy yelled at her too. "You will NEVER know what grandpa did" bitch yes I do bc my daddy did it too, you fucking cunt. And you STILL didn't do shit to stop anything. You act like you're so big and bad and mysterious when all you are is a fucking chewed up wad of gum bc you never put in the work to help yourself or me. If shit is too hard you fold and give up, and that's all you fucking are. You're just a quitter and a pussy who acts like what you did to me was golden just because you didn't fondle my dick. Even though you forced me to undress in front of you when I was old enough to be uncomfortable, and you would just say "I'm your mother" and entirely disregard any sense of self I wanted to have. You're the reason I'm so fucked up and have people in my head and think everyone is out to get me. I lived in a fucking animal den for years and I know nothing about the world or how to deal with my emotions and feelings. I'm scared of so many things because you WANTED me to be this helpless. Probably why you think that my fucking husband is so awful too, because he "took me away from you". You fuck, I've had to grow up all over again because I was so mistreated before. And after all of the work I've put on myself you STILL think I'm only where I am bc of other people. You have made me think that I am invaluable without the support of others because I just don't have the brains to do anything myself. It's so fucked that you ruined my childhood to the point where I hardly remember it but I have to pay for it with flashbacks and regression and everything else. I fucking hate you and I hate that there's even now STILL a tiny kid in me who is sad that I'm being mean to mommy. You fucked me up so bad and you'll never know the extent of the damage you did bc you just "don't remember" it. Fuck you. I hope you aren't one of the old farts who lives until they're 96 bc I've never wished you gone sooner. I'm still afraid of you and I hate you for it.

[thebabblingcrow]

MAAAAAN I SHOULDVE STAUED UP WHEN I WOKE UP AT 4AM I WANT TIME TO PLAY INFINITY NIKKI BUT I HAVE DING DONG DOOKIE ASS WORK

[thebabblingcrow]

Back to the age-old wish-I-couldn't-speak thoughts

[thebabblingcrow]

IIIIII think it's funny when people listen to an instrumental and get all poetic about stuff. Happened this morning and I deadass snickered, like... you listened to a moody instrumental on YouTube and now you're telling everyone you're proud of them and you love them. But make it 6 paragraphs worth of mush just because you listened to a playlist called "everyone is asleep but you" or something.

[thebabblingcrow]

Feeling very :((( yk

[thebabblingcrow]

Why does shit emotionally hit the fan for me AFTER my med appts? Literally every time just a fuckin bout. "I'm fine" and then I'm paranoid thinking the mf gov is after me or that there's gonna be a knock at the door any second. I'm anxious and wildly uncomfortable and my mind feels erratic. Racing like crazy and I feel like my insides are gonna bust. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN AFTER IMPORTANT UPDATE CALLS JESUS CHRIST MAN

[thebabblingcrow]

Don't like when I get in these rotten headspaces where I wish something "bad enough" would happen to me so I'd actually get help for disability or smth. I'm in pain constantly and it makes working hard and this morning I just wish I was dead. Pain paired w the state of things and how scared I feel over it makes me just have SI

[thebabblingcrow]

Also I hate how I think I have a grip on jealousy but then the tables turn FAST and it turns out jealousy still has a grip on ME

[thebabblingcrow]

Gdi I wish I felt remotely attractive. It's not a HUGE insecurity but sometimes I just get down in the dumps about myself and think I'm just average looking or less. Idk I just wish I could be the kind of person that people go "omg look he's pretty" and be admired. I want to be appealing.

BUT NOT TO CISHET MEN. No I don't like their attention lol I got enough ty ♡

[thebabblingcrow]

Nobody can ever call me a whore or a slut as an insult bc I'm so atrociously into that shit and I'll probably get flustered instead of upset lol