theaier-blog

[theaier-blog]

"'I feel like a noose is tightening around me and I want out, but struggling only cinches the knot. The spiral just keeps tightening, you know?'"

- Aza, Turtles all the way down by John Green

This line resonated with me, even though the character, Aza, is speaking about her OCD. I know this feeling all to well, it's almost like its written into my story.

Everything is a challenge at the moment. Getting up, moving, trying to improve myself, learning, the list goes on. But then again, it always feels like I've been struggling against this, some invisible wall, pushing me back. When I break through, there is a temporary reprieve, until the lead bricks of the wall, weigh me down further.

As I've grown, I keep learning that nothing is going to get easier. Not getting up, moving and definitely not learning. Figuring out ways around it seems like my only option, but it's not an easy one. For one, I have to prop up my efforts on a sheet of motivation picometers in thickness. It feels like, the more I try, the harder it is for that motivation to support my dreams.

I think this line symbolises a struggle to carry on, to push through the fractured motivation, lying iridescent in the light, and forge a new path.

The only one who can loosen the knot is you, but the act loosening the know only tightens it further. The only way to truly escape is stop struggling and go with the flow, however good or bad it may be.

[theaier-blog]

"Dubito ergo cogito, ergo sum. 'I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am.'"

- Descartes (found in turtles all the way down by John Green)

I'm not sure what I'm doing with this blog, whether I'll continue to post regularly or even at all. But, for now at least, I'll give you my prose.

Self is a difficult thing to define. Turtles all the way down has this question littered all over it. How do I define myself, am I the mere sum of my body parts, the things that live on me, my thoughts alone? The mere idea that we exist is amazing, but to question the idea of existing at all is even crazier.

Reality is full of paradoxes and pitfalls, never signposting whether or not we are going the right direction but sitting there. It seems that, the more we understand the less we truly know. That, however, isn't really true. our ability to question - to doubt - lends us the power of decision. This in turn allows us to make our own way into whatever crazy dream we end up in. But it also means that, the way we see things is subjective, marred by our own doubt.

I can never truly see things through your eyes, only through your words. Define your reality as you wish.