the-transfox

[the-transfox]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

uwu

[the-transfox]

s an s is that y o u?

p e r h a p s

[the-transfox]

A “Quick” History

I’m gonna put a “keep reading” thing so I don’t clog anyone’s dash or anything, depending on how long this gets. This is basically just a quick background info on my history regarding my gender and related topics.

I’ve never really liked being feminine. Hated dresses, hated makeup, hated showing any amount of my skin, overall just... the entire idea was not my thing. The most feminine thing about me for a long time was my long hair - before I cut it, it had grown down to being an inch or two past my hips. I felt kind of... pressured, to be more feminine at times. I can only recall 2 times I wore a dress - and both times were for other people, and not me, and both times I was intensely uncomfortable and wanted to get out of it immediately. Not that everything about me is intensely anti-feminine - more recently, sometime during the time I was genderfluid (I’ll get to that in a bit), I got black lipstick. I wanted it for the aesthetic - and I only wore it once, and, again, for another person. It’s just sitting around my desk area now, waiting to be used, but never will again as far as I’m concerned. I’ve always been more of a tomboy.

When I was younger, I used to do these kind of IRL roleplay things with one of my best friends at the time. It was edgy shit, where we’d both pretend to be creepy pasta characters and the like and had this whole storyline going on and all sorts of made up drama with the characters. An... overwhelming majority of the characters I chose to act out and represent at the time were all males. I’ve always loved writing males and acting like a male - females were just... hard, for some reason. Always have been, really, even though I am biologically female. One of my favorites to do was the Jeff the Killer, obviously. He was my default, and it just felt natural, almost. It was more fun to do male characters. Hell, my first OC I ever made was a male. It makes a lot more sense now to me, looking back on it. In some cases, in more recent years, I’ve felt like I needed to go with making the character female. And I do have a lot of female OCs, don’t get me wrong. Anyway, with characters such as Coral (one of my sonas; used her often in an IRL roleplay after the former friend moved away and I moved on with another best friend) I felt like I needed to make her female, to... match my friend’s sona, Frost. I wish I hadn’t, now, but whatever. The past is in the past.

Speaking of the past, I’m a believer of past lives. And 99.9% of them are all male. Out of all of my past lives, I can only recall 2 humanoid (saying this because one was an anthro rat) lives that had female genders, and one more that was female though I don’t count because it was the life of a bengal tiger and bengal tigers don’t exactly go by pronouns so there wasn’t a whole lot of gender identity going on there in the first place. It feels natural to have male past lives, and a little... off, to have female ones. Every time I trigger a memory of a male past life, think about it, or talk about it, I used to only subconsciously refer to myself as male - though it felt great. It felt normal. My dumb fucking ass didn’t get a clue that this meant anything about my current gender identity until recently.

Sometime during my phase where I played Transformice more often, I made a separate account where I listed my gender as “male”, as an... experiment, of sorts. Wanted to see what it was like when other people thought I was a guy. I only really used the account for a single day, the day I made it, though that was enough time for me to meet people and interact. I absolutely loved it, though it didn’t occur to me afterwards for a long, long time to even think about what that meant. An embarrassing amount of time, honestly. I found my gender identity and it smacked me in the face and my response had been just “Cool, I’mma go back to being called she/her now”. Big dumbass energy, right here

Sometime in the summer/no later than early autumn of 2019 (my sense of time is... not the best, honestly) I considered becoming genderfluid. After all, I’d started to realize maybe it wasn’t so bad to go by male pronouns. Considered it a test run, of sorts. It was still primarily she/her, but online I gave people the option to call me he/him. Not many people did, but I liked the idea. It made the whole ‘internal male pronouns and identity during past lives shit’ make more sense to me at the time. In early December of 2019, I had the realization. The realization that I actually preferred male pronouns, and the idea of being male was... a lot better, than being female, or even a mix of both. It felt like me. Like it fit. My dumb ass finally figured it out, and luckily the genderfluid thing didn’t drag on for years. Since the switch to male pronouns its still a rare occurrence anybody’s actually used my new pronouns and I’ve heard it (I’ve come out to everyone I know online, though only friends in real life), though one time I was called ‘he’ irl in front of me and it made me feel great. Like a small “yeah... yeah, that’s me.” Not everyone has been completely accepting (like the person I consider my best friend - she’d responded kind of... oddly, when I came out, and said she’d been confused, and openly said that biological sex and gender are the same thing today) but I don’t really care all that much. They’ll learn to accept it if they want to keep me as a friend - or at least tolerate it. If they can’t, then I can’t go through the trouble of keeping them as a friend. One of my friends has been so supportive and it’s been delightful.

Backtracking a little, I realize I forgot to mention the fact that I hate my body. It’s not mine - or at least, it’s not one I want. Every time I think about my past lives I want to go back and have that body again. I want to be a skeleton monster again. I want to be a dragon again. I don’t want to be a weak, pathetic, human female who’s body won’t even gain weight no matter how much I eat or try, and whose throat is actively trying to tear holes in itself. And I’ve never been satisfied with the fact that its female. On a related note, I have the fear of penetration - it’s just... wrong, for anything to go inside of me down there. It should be the opposite. I miss having a cock - I wouldn’t have to worry about this anymore. Wouldn’t have to worry about something going inside of me, or having to be expected to push a fucking disgusting baby out of me. It’s frustrating.

I also feel like I realized I was transgender too late to be valid. I’ve seen so many stories (like Sam Collins) where they realized when they were tiny kids, and... what if that’s what it should be like? What if I’m wrong? What if you’re supposed to know before you’re even a teenager? So many people have realized before then, though some have realized later, and some say you can realize at any age. I just... don’t know. Anyway, that’s about it, I think - if I forgot anything, I’ll make another thing to tack onto this. Feel free to ask me questions.